Towards Recovery
by Sayuri-2012
Summary: Olivia is seriously assaulted and Elliot helps her through the long recovery process, but can the SVU squad track down her attacker and bring him to justice before he strikes again? Very E/O. Warning: rape and its aftermath discussed. *Rated M*
1. Chapter 1: Knock back

1.

Knock back

August 9

It had been a great day. The whole team was in good spirits after the successful conviction of a serial rapist; a culmination of months and months of hard work. This particular case had been difficult to prove and had dragged on for so long that finally completing it was a huge morale booster to everyone involved. It couldn't have come at a better time either. There had been so many unsolved cases lately that it had been getting to all of them.

Tonight however, they were celebrating. It had been a while since all of them had gathered in Pete's. Even Munch was cheerier than usual, although Olivia suspected that it may have a lot more to do with his latest companion, Marsha Trent, who was currently hanging on to his arm lapping up every word. She seemed a nice enough lady though and Munch deserved someone – they all did.

Olivia looked up as Elliot Stabler returned to his seat next to her and placed a second glass of wine in front of her.

"Thanks," she said, smiling at her ex-partner.

"No problem," he replied.

Elliot joining them had been a last minute thing. He had called her after work, as he often did lately and she had invited him along. He had jumped at the chance to meet up with his old colleagues and it was almost like old times.

A lot had happened since Elliot had left the SVU, not least his final split from his wife Kathy eight months ago. Olivia had been a good friend to him during the last few months and the pair had stayed close despite no longer being partners.

The atmosphere in the bar was lively. Olivia clasped her wine glass, took a sip and sank back into her seat soaking in the camaraderie. It had been hard for her after Elliot had left, but after a while she had got used to the new status quo and when she had realised that him leaving the SVU didn't mean him leaving their friendship behind, she had started to enjoy working with the new team members and looked forward to the time she spent with Elliot outside of work. Her thoughts did sometimes wander and she imagined what it would be like to take things to the next level, but after all these years it was difficult to contemplate anything beyond friendship. He was certainly the most important person in her life and things were good. Why complicate it?

The door opened and Pat Miller and Steve Marlow walked in. Olivia didn't know these two detectives all that well, as they had only joined the team a few weeks ago. They seemed decent enough though. In fact Pat was decidedly good-looking. He was tall and muscly with pale blue eyes, a strong chin and fashionably styled short spiky sandy-coloured hair. Olivia knew he was in his late forties, but he wore it well.

"Hey all," Pat greeted them all confidently. Everyone greeted him. Pat came across and sat down opposite Olivia. She was a little surprised he had made such a quick beeline for her.

"He yours?" he asked, nodding towards Elliot.

"Hah!" piped up Munch, unable to resist. "This is her good _friend_ – her ex partner and current who knows what?"

"John!" warned Olivia, glaring at him. She was embarrassed to see Elliot was grinning.

"This is Elliot Stabler, my ex-partner," she said as neutrally as she could.

"Patrick Miller," he said, sticking out his hand and offering a firm handshake.

"So if you guys aren't getting it on, then you won't mind if I offer to buy the lady a drink?" he said confidently.

Olivia saw the subtle change in Elliot`s expression which told her the comment had irked.

"I'm fine, thanks," she said quickly indicating the almost full glass in her hand.

"Later then?" insisted Pat giving Elliot a wink. It was brazen and obviously an attempt to wind him up. Olivia had no idea why Pat was deliberately trying to rile a man he had never even met before.

"I can get my own drinks, thank you," she said firmly, her tone perhaps a little harsher than she intended. There was an awkward silence.

"So how's the new assignment?" asked Elliot after several seconds.

"It's fine," replied Pat unemotionally. "Should be able to stick the two years… So what happened to you then? Couldn`t you hack it?"

Olivia gave Elliot a sharp look, her eyes pleading him not to take the bait. She was amazed how quickly the atmosphere had turned antagonistic. Pat Miller seemed to have taken an immediate dislike to Elliot and she wasn't sure why.

"Was in SVU for more than twelve years… more than my fair share I should say," he replied. Pat's expression briefly revealed his disappointment, but he quickly disguised it. Even he had to admit, that length of time in one of the most challenging departments in the force deserved respect. He took a long swig of his beer, finishing it off.

"Well, it looks like I need another one already," he said, standing. "You sure you don't want one, Olivia?"

"No thanks," she replied.

Pat stood and walked over to the bar.

"What's his problem?" asked Elliot quietly.

"Who knows?" she replied, genuinely confused. She glanced over to where Pat was standing at the bar, waiting for his drink. He had a strange distant expression on his face and she realised he was staring right at her. She turned away embarrassed.

A minute later Pat returned with his drink. "Look he said, I`m sorry if I came across a little abrasive. It`s been a long week."

"Sure," muttered Elliot.

"Well now we`re all friends again, maybe we can get back to our evening?" commented Munch jovially.

The conversation changed and the atmosphere was suddenly relaxed again. Pat started telling a funny story about a rookie who he had been dealing with earlier in the week and had everyone in fits of laughter within a few minutes. He was a good story teller. Olivia thought maybe she had been too quick to judge. He bought the next round of drinks for everyone and she accepted hers graciously this time. This job was rough, she thought. The long hours and difficult cases were prone to make the most easy-going person tetchy from time to time.

An hour later, Elliot made his apologies and stood to leave.

"Great to meet you," said Pat. There was no trace of the earlier animosity.

"You too!" replied Elliot.

Olivia stood to see Elliot out, stepping out briefly onto the street with him. "Thanks for coming!" she said.

"It was fun," he replied. "I miss the guys." He looked straight into her eyes. "You too," he added quietly.

She leaned forward impulsively and they hugged briefly.

"Night El," she said.

"Night," he replied. "Now, you go back inside. Make sure you get a taxi home, ok!" he added.

"Yeah," she replied, almost rolling her eyes. She secretly liked that he was still protective over her. "See ya!" She disappeared back inside the bar and Elliot left. He had an early start the next day as he was picking Eli up for the weekend in the morning.

Olivia went back inside the bar and found someone had already taken her seat.

Pat immediately stood when he saw her and offered her his. She smiled in thanks. Perhaps he wasn't so bad after all.

"You two were close, weren`t you," he said to her. It was a statement not a question.

"Yes, we were," she agreed. "He saved my ass more times than I can count."

"And she saved his more!" piped up Munch.

"That's what partners do," she said matter-of-factly.

"How long were you together?" asked Pat.

"Over twelve years," Olivia replied.

"Wow! I think my longest partnership was only about four years."

"What happened?" asked Munch.

"Shot on the job," Pat replied.

"Oh I'm sorry," said Olivia gently.

"Some freaking crazed bitch off her head. She was waving a gun around and Lloyd, my partner, hesitated because there was a kid in the room and she shot him."

"You saw it?" asked Olivia.

"Yeah, I took her out, but it was too late for Lloyd. Bullet went straight through his heart. He died in my arms"

No one knew quite where to look. This was the unpleasant side of the job which was best not to think about, but it was always there.

"Look, I`m sorry," said Pat. "I didn't intend to ruin the mood. Shit happens right. It was five years ago now. Life goes on – whether you want it to or not."

"Sure does," said Munch thoughtfully.

"Still, I`m sorry," said Olivia again. She felt for Pat. Losing a partner was probably the hardest thing any of them potentially faced in this job.

"Thanks," said Pat, placing his hand on her arm. "It means a lot." She smiled back at him sympathetically.

Things were winding down. Munch announced that he and Marsha had better get going and Olivia decided she would head off home too. She dialled her usual taxi company but the line was busy.

"Trouble getting through?" asked Pat. "Where do you live?"

"Only about ten blocks away," she said.

"Listen, I can walk you if you like," he offered. I could do with some air actually.

"Oh no, you don`t have to do that," she replied. "I can hail a cab in the street."

"Well how about we try that and if you can`t I`ll walk you back. Really it`s no problem."

"Well OK then," she agreed and they headed outside. In truth she was feeling the effects of the wine and was just ready to get home now.

He took her arm. She almost recoiled, but she decided to let it go. Her head was starting to swim. The fresh air was helping though, even though it was still warm. They walked at a brisk pace. By the time they had gone about four blocks, they gave up looking for an empty cab and decided they may as well just walk the rest of the way. Pat was making small talk and Olivia was wishing she hadn't had that last drink. She guessed she`d be suffering in the morning. She had planned on going in to work bright and early but decided now that she would play it by ear in the morning, depending on how hung over she was.

Finally they reached her apartment block.

"Well this is me," she announced, pulling her arm away from Pat`s grip.

"I'll see you up," he said.

"That's not necessary," she said.

"Even so, I will," he insisted.

She fumbled for her keys. This guy was so pushy. She couldn`t really be bothered to argue with him. She just wanted to get in, grab a glass of water and snuggle into bed and sleep. She felt exhausted. She dropped her keys. He bent down and picked them up, handing them to her teasingly.

"I think someone has had a bit too much wine," he said, grinning at her.

"I'm fine," she said firmly. "Look, I`m tired. I`ve got it from here. I`ll see you at work, all right?"

"Well if you`re sure," he said reluctantly. "Olivia," he said. She looked up. He quickly stepped forward and took her face in his hands and before she realised what was happening he kissed her firmly on the lips.

_Instantly she was back there, in that room with Harris holding her, trapped, his penis was inches from her face. She was screaming, No! No!_

The flashback ended. She immediately pushed him forcibly away from her. "What the hell are you doing?" she said angrily.

"I thought…" he stuttered.

"What? Thought you could just maul me in the street?" She was shaking. She needed to get out of here fast. The flashback had come completely out of the blue and shocked her. She hadn't had one for a couple of years now and thought they were a thing of the past.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he said, raising his voice to nearly a shout. "It was just a fucking kiss!"

His words hit home. She knew she had over-reacted and she knew why. When was she going to get over what happened? She immediately felt a wave of shame. She thought she had recovered, but this must prove she still had a way to go, even now.

"I'm sorry," she sighed. I just, I need to go home. Look, thanks for walking me back." She fumbled with her key and managed to open the door.

"Olivia," he said. "I`m sorry I scared you. I like you. That`s all. I thought you liked me too. Sorry I got it wrong."

She looked at him. "You shouldn`t just assume," she said coldly. "You never even asked me if I had anyone."

"Do you?" he asked.

"Night Pat," she said. "I`m going in," and she closed the door behind her. She paused. Then she peeped through the peephole. She saw him turn and walk away and she breathed a sigh of relief. He was so irritatingly arrogant.

As she climbed up the stairs to her floor, she felt a sudden strong wave of melancholy hit her. She was drunk. She knew she must have led him on. Then thinking she was interested he had tried to kiss her and she had completely over-reacted. What was wrong with her? When was it going to be over?

She entered her apartment, threw the keys down on the side and headed straight to the shower. As the hot water fell over her head and face it mixed with her tears, the tears that she rarely allowed to fall, only when she was certain there was no one else around to see them.


	2. Chapter 2: Shattered

2

Shattered

October 11

Two months had passed since that night Pat Miller had tried to kiss her. She had woken the next day feeling embarrassed and horrified at her over-reaction, but she also blamed herself that she had let the situation occur. She vowed to herself that she would apologize to him again the next time she saw him. He had walked her home, misread her signals and moved in for a kiss and she had treated him no better than she would a perp. He didn't deserve that. He had been through a rough time, losing his partner and later she found out that not long after that his wife had also left him, taking their daughter to the other side of the country. The man was obviously lonely and his arrogance was more than likely a coping strategy, a cover. Olivia felt sorry for him. She knew she wasn't interested in him romantically though.

She had apologized the very next day, but he had been distant. She knew she had hurt him, hurt his pride. There was nothing more she could do: only hope that time would soothe the wound and that he would be professional and not let it interfere with the job.

She had met with Elliot a few days later and had almost told him what had happened, but she had chickened out in the end. She had only spoken to Elliot in depth about what had occurred at Seal View a few months ago. Of course he had always known the basic facts and they'd had light conversations about it, but she had never been able to bring herself to discuss things in detail with him. A few months ago though, they had been hanging out at her place, watching a movie, drinking wine, or beer in his case, and somehow the conversation had turned to Seal View and she had talked and told him everything.

She knew that Elliot had taken the incident hard. When she had apologised for not having spoken about it properly with him before, he had assured her that he understood. She knew, however, that he had been a little upset that she hadn't felt able to talk more with him. It had also reinforced the extent of his fury towards Harris. It was part of the reason she hadn't mentioned the incident with Pat. She knew Elliot would have immediately taken a strong dislike to him in her defence. Pat didn't know anything about Seal View though, as it wasn't something she usually talked about. She suspected that had he known, things would have played out very differently. She didn't want Elliot on his back just because of a small misunderstanding.

As the weeks had gone by, several difficult cases had come through and Pat had found it hard. It was apparent to everyone that he wasn't really cut out for special victims, but his sense of pride had meant he was unable to admit it. It was the latest case that had brought things to a head. Ultimately Cragen had intervened and Pat had requested a transfer. No one had been surprised. Some people just weren't cut out for SVU. It was the nature of the job.

Pat's last day had been unusually quiet. The team was subdued. Everyone knew the reason he was leaving and it was a reminder of how difficult their job really was. The usual office banter was down to a minimum and the atmosphere was strained. Olivia kept finding her thoughts turning towards Elliot. She missed him so much even now and she was willing to admit it, at least to herself. During her lunch break she had sent him a text, asking him if he fancied meeting up after work. He didn't immediately reply but she knew he would eventually.

She counted the minutes until 5pm. Today she needed to just get out of here. She had a long overdue four day weekend and she knew she needed the break. She just had to pop into the crib first and grab her small bag that she must have forgotten there after spending the night the other day. She checked her phone again and saw Elliot had replied. She wandered towards the crib, clicking on to the message.

_Hi Liv. Should be free later. I'll call you, __x__xx _

She felt the familiar knotting of her stomach as she took in the final kisses. Lately he'd been signing all his messages like that.

She reached the crib and slipped inside. She was looking forward to seeing him again. He was different now he was out of the force. He was more relaxed and even more fun to be around. Caught up in her thoughts, she barely noticed someone else enter the room. She certainly didn't register him locking the door after he came in. She only properly noticed him when she realized that he was standing right behind her. Sensing the proximity, she started to spin around, but before she could turn, she suddenly found a hand placed roughly over her mouth and then felt the cold metal of a knife to her throat. It was so fast that she had no time to react, no time to defend herself. It didn't seem real. This must be some kind of an attempt at a joke? … Only it wasn't funny.

"Move or scream and I'll cut you," hissed her assailant, ramming home to her that it was indeed real and no joke. She recognised Pat's voice immediately but it was as though her mind couldn't process it. She needed to see his face to be sure. She was instantly transported back to that day in Seal View and she could smell, hear and feel Harris so close. At the same time though, she was all too aware of exactly where she was right now. She was trapped - again. The fear and helplessness was overwhelming. She closed her eyes. Maybe this was just a weird flashback? It would be over in a minute. She just needed to get a grip. But she felt him pulling at her clothes. He had her pinned facing against the wall now. He was heavy and she knew that even if she wasn't pathetically frozen to the spot like this, she wouldn't have been able to move anyway. He was pressed up so close and she could feel his erection pressing into her back. And she knew.

"What are you doing?" she pleaded, suddenly finding her voice. She barely recognised it. She hated that it sounded strained, shaky, displaying no sign of her usual confidence.

"Shut up!" he barked, pressing the knife harder against her neck. She thought she could feel blood. He had probably nicked her. She was paralysed with shock. This couldn't be happening, not again and not at the hands of a co-worker. The team were all so close by.

She heard him breathing in her ear and she felt an instant wave of nausea that she fought hard to control. She felt him yanking down her pants and her underwear and cringed at the sound of him unzipping his own pants and yanking them down along with his underpants. She heard the rustle of a condom wrapper and there was a brief moment where he released the knife from her neck, using his body weight to keep her pinned. She realised he needed both hands to quickly slip the condom on. This was her moment: her chance to escape. Her brain was telling her to move, to fight, to scream, but she was paralysed. Within seconds the knife was back at her throat. Her chance had gone.

Then she felt him roughly pushing himself into her, still behind her. She immediately pulled away startled by the pain. He hit her then, the force causing her to bang her head on the wall pretty hard. She groaned out loud and he shook her shoulders angrily, and then pressed her face up hard against the wall. She was terrified. She gritted her teeth and tried not to react to the pain and the repulsion she felt as he forced himself back inside her and started moving harder and harder. She concentrated on controlling her breathing, counting her breaths and tried to relax her lower muscles, knowing that it might reduce the pain and injury. This would be over soon, she told herself. It had to be. He was thrusting hard now and each thrust felt deeper than the last. It was violent and her insides were screaming out. The pain was excruciating. She closed her eyes. She tried to empty her mind, imagine herself somewhere else and imagine that this wasn't happening. Her thoughts briefly turned to her Mother and how she now knew how it must have really felt, how her existence had come about. It was horrifying.

A few more thrusts and he loosened his hold with the knife and instead placed his hands around her neck squeezing hard enough that the pressure was choking, but not hard enough to completely cut off her oxygen supply. The side of the blade was now resting against her cheek. The cold metal was all she could focus on. She was convinced he was going to kill her as soon as he had finished. Her life started flashing before her. She couldn't believe she was going to die like this. She thought of Elliot. She suddenly wanted to see him so badly. The thought of never seeing him again was in that moment almost more devastating than what her attacker was doing to her body.

He thrust into her a few more times, followed by a bigger one and then he shuddered. Then just like that he was done. He pressed himself hard against her, still inside her, still with his hands around her throat. She could hardly breathe due to the weight of him. "Liked that, didn't you!" he snarled into her ear. "I knew you wanted it really!" He withdrew his penis, squeezed her breasts painfully and then pulled her back slightly before shoving her hard into the wall. She hit at an angle, bruising her shoulder, before she fell to the ground landing awkwardly on her knee. She clutched at her neck, trying to catch her breath, relieved the pressure was gone. Her stomach was knotted with shame. She had never felt so degraded in her life. She felt completely overpowered and numb. He could have done absolutely anything to her and she was unable to fight back. She was useless. It was a few more seconds before she realised he had gone.

In disbelief, she grabbed at her clothes and pulled them up over her exposed skin. She was in total shock. This couldn't have really happened? It had been so fast! The aching between her legs was the uncomfortable proof. She suddenly felt an overwhelming need to get home immediately. She was terrified of running into one of the team on her way out for there was no way she wanted anyone knowing about this. It was humiliating; way more intense than Seal View. Raped by a colleague? The thought of being interviewed, going through a rape exam, going over and over the sordid details with her colleagues, _her friends_ and then standing up in a courtroom, admitting she had led a man on so much so that he had ended up taking what he wanted just feet from where her colleagues were, mortified her.

She should have seen this coming. Her instincts had told her something was off with Pat from the start, certainly back in the bar that night he had kissed her. She had asked herself afterwards if it was his kiss that had triggered the lone flashback because somehow her subconscious had known he was bad, but she had dismissed the thought, telling herself she was being ridiculous. He had oozed arrogance and narcissism, but she had let his sob story sway her towards feeling sorry for him and had ignored the warning signs. She was so stupid. She was supposed to be a seasoned detective.

She shakily got to her feet. She needed to be home now. She smoothed her hair, grabbed her bag and left via the back stairs. The last thing she needed was to run into anyone. Her heart was pounding. What if he was waiting for her, realising her likely escape route? What if he grabbed her on the stairs and did it again? What if he decided that it was too much of a risk leaving her alive? What if he came back to kill her? She had never felt fear like this before, not even staring into the barrel of a gun.

Somehow she managed to descend the flight of stairs and she walked out on to the street. She immediately hailed a cab and rode the short journey back to her place in silence, barely answering the friendly cab driver's questions, his futile attempt at small talk.

She finally reached her apartment. After paying the cab driver, she hurried up the steps to her floor and slipped inside, locking and bolting the door behind her. She immediately headed to the shower, vigorously scrubbing all the parts of her body where she had felt him on her until her skin was red. She felt a brief moment of guilt at washing away any potential evidence and probably her chance of bringing her attacker to justice, but there was no way she could go through with reporting it and all the attention she would receive. Cragen would be on her case immediately. She'd probably be placed on compulsory sick leave for months, if not permanently, and she'd be forced into counselling. The media would have a field day once they got wind of it. She also knew that Pat Miller had lots of friends and all round it would be extremely unpleasant. Her name and reputation would be dragged through the mud and given the fact he had used a condom, it would likely be a he-said, she-said situation anyway. Pat was leaving the SVU. She would likely never run into him again. He deserved to be punished, but she wasn't prepared to destroy her own life in the process. She just wanted to try and get back to normal as quickly as possible.

Now she understood better why rape victims were often so reluctant to report their rapes. She had always thought bringing an attacker to justice would be the single most important thing she would want to do, should anything ever happen to her. After Harris, she had felt exactly like that. She had been incensed at the way he had treated her and had enjoyed reversing the power roles and staring him down in that interview room. It had given her a small sense of control back. She had been unarmed and vulnerable and unable to fight back in that prison and he had taken advantage of that.

This time though, she had her gun at her side, yet she had still been unable to fight back. She had been completely overpowered by a man who she would have previously trusted with her life. She had frozen to the spot and he had raped her. She wasn't strong, she was weak. She didn't want anyone to know, ever.

After the shower, she briefly glanced at her reflection in the mirror and noted the bruising where her fringe usually fell when it was dry. She examined the cut on her neck and felt the small lump and huge bruise on the side of her head, hidden under her hair. She also had bruising on her breasts, shoulders, back, hips and knees. She looked terrible. She hadn't really taken in at the time just how physical the assault had been. She realised she was shaking and that she had tears streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't bear to look at herself any more. She left the bathroom and quickly dressed in a high-neck t-shirt and some grey slacks and brushed her hair. She went to double check the locks on the front door. Then she remembered. He had walked her home that night. He knew where she lived. The fear gripped her. What if he came here?

She reached for her phone and brought up Elliot's number. She wanted to call him so badly. She needed him. She didn't want to be alone. She paused. He would be devastated when he found out what had happened to her. She couldn't do that to him. She clicked cancel. Fresh tears streamed down her face. She felt so alone.

Then unbelievably her phone started ringing. She stared at the caller ID. It was Elliot. Of course, he had said he would ring her. She stared at it for several rings, unsure whether to answer it or not. She needed to let him know that tonight was a no-go now though. Plus she really wanted to hear his voice. She clicked the answer button.

"Hello," she said shakily, attempting to sound normal, but in no way succeeding.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately. He knew her too well sometimes. One word and he had already figured out something was terribly wrong.

She could barely speak. Her eyes were filled with tears and she was close to losing it.

"Elliot," was all she could stammer. It was obvious to him that she was crying. There was no point trying to hide it.

"Where are you?" Are you at your place?" I'm coming over now!" he said.

"No!" she said sharply. "No, don't! I'm fine, El. I must be coming down with something. Can we take a rain check tonight?" The lie was blatantly obvious even to her ears

"Liv, I'm coming over!" he said. "Just stay put! I'll be there in twenty minutes." He hung up before she could argue with him.

She stared at the phone. He was coming. She was terrified. She wanted him there with her so badly, but she was horrified at the thought of him knowing. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. She sank to the floor, burying her head in her knees, wishing she could just disappear.


	3. Chapter 3: The truth

3

The truth

October 11

It was 7:12pm and he was outside her apartment knocking on the door, after a neighbour had let him in downstairs. The phone call had terrified him. She sounded absolutely broken. He had no idea what could possibly have happened in such a short time between her seemingly normal text message at lunch time and the distress she was completely unable to hide when he heard her voice just a few hours later. He knew she had been working until 5pm and then assumed she must have come straight home to her apartment. His thoughts were racing through several scenarios he thought possible, the most likely one being a particularly horrific case. But she wasn't a rookie. She was a seasoned detective and had seen plenty of terrible things in all her years at special victims. He wondered if maybe something might have happened to one of the team. He hoped it wasn't that. Whatever it was, he hoped she would let him support her. She was too used to bottling things up and dealing with them on her own. Olivia didn't have all that many people close to her in her life and he could imagine that if something had happened to one of them it would be devastating for her.

He knocked at her door. There was no reply. "Liv," he called gently, not wanting to disturb the other residents too much. It's me, Elliot. "Liv?" he paused, straining to hear if she was coming or not. "Liv, please, open the door!" He listened again. He thought he could make out the quiet shuffle of steps towards the door. "Liv," he said more quietly, "I'm worried about you. Let me in, please!" He heard the chain and bolts slowly being removed. Then the door opened a crack. He peered through to see her standing there. Her hair was still slightly damp from the shower she had obviously not long had. She looked completely dejected. In fact she looked like she had been crying. What the hell had happened? He pushed the door open a little wider and slipped in. "Liv!" he said, reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. She flinched and pulled away. His heart lurched.

"El, I'm tired," she said.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Elliot asked, looking at her in concern. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she replied. It was obvious it was a lie.

"It's obviously not `nothing`," he said slowly. His mind was racing. "Come on, let's sit down and talk about it."

"Elliot, please…" she begged weakly, but she lacked her usual strength of conviction. Elliot grabbed her arm and led her into the living room and sat her down on the sofa. He perched next to her, still holding her arm and he realised she was shaking.

"Shit, Olivia," he said. "Please, tell me. I'm really worried about you." A tear streaked down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly.

"You really want to know?" she stammered, "Because I don't think you do, Elliot."

"Yes, I do," he said seriously. "I'm your friend, I am here for you." He pulled her close to him and held her in an embrace. She didn't fight him. She closed her eyes, breathing deeply in a deliberate attempt to relax and try and stop her body from shaking.

"I… I… I can't…" she stammered.

"Tell me," he encouraged her, absent-mindedly stroking her hair in an attempt to comfort her. In all truth her proximity to him was starting to affect him in ways he knew were more than inappropriate for the moment. He was concentrating hard on keeping his breathing steady and hoping she would not pick up on his ever-increasing heart rate. _Geez, Elliot_, he scolded himself. _Get a grip! _

"I…. I really can't…." She tried to pull away, but he tightened his grip so she would require considerably more force to pull away but she didn't go that far.

"Liv," he said gently. He was shocked to see she now had tears streaming down her face. He could count the times he'd seen her cry on one hand and now here she was sobbing in his arms. Something bad had happened. He was certain of it. Then he noticed her neck. Just where the top of her t-shirt was, it seemed that her neck looked slightly red. He pulled back a little and started examining her more carefully, gently moving her t-shirt aside a little to get a better view. He was horrified to discover that in addition to some light bruising, there was a slight nick towards the side of her neck that looked like a cut with a blade of some kind. She flinched as his fingers circled the outside of the wound. He then brushed aside her fringe to discover a cut and bruise on her forehead His heart was racing and his stomach knotted in fear as he realised she had obviously been assaulted in some capacity.

"Liv?" he said gently, releasing his embrace and now grasping her upper arms, just below her shoulders. "Look at me!" She winced slightly, reluctantly raising her eyes to meet his. He saw the pain in her face and he knew it wasn't his imagination. "Where?" he asked quietly and she looked at him quizzically, but he knew she understood. After several seconds of silence she replied lowering her head.

"In the crib," she near whispered.

Her words resounded in his head. _The crib_? How was this even possible? She had been assaulted at the precinct, in virtually the next room to the one she worked in, surrounded by police detectives? It was unfathomable. He placed both of his hands on the sides of her face and raised it so she was looking at him again, then placed them back down on her shoulders. Her skin was so soft. Despite her red puffy eyes, she was beautiful. He was suddenly overcome with the strong desire to scoop her up in his arms and hold her and protect her and make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again. He was surprised at the strength of his protective feelings. He felt his grip on her involuntarily tightening. He tried to focus and push the distraction from his mind.

"Did he….?" He paused. He knew deep down than this was more than a simple physical attack, something more had happened. He didn't want to ask, but he had to know. Why was it so difficult to ask the question he had asked so many women day in day out? He didn't need to finish the question though. She knew exactly what he was asking.

"Yes," she whispered, silent tears still rolling down her cheeks.

It was like someone had punched a hole in his gut. How could this possibly be? At work? The place where she should be safest? How on earth had an attacker, a rapist, got into the crib? Why hadn't she fought, screamed, attracted attention, something? She was armed for God's sake. The others were seconds away. Shit, was it one of them? Someone she worked with? Was that why she had run here, unable to face her colleagues? He felt his gut tightening in anger towards the person who had done this.

She started to speak in low unemotional tones, as if she was describing one of her cases, except she was hauntingly talking about herself. "He crept up behind me, put a knife to my throat, told me if I moved an inch he would slice me, then he silently raped me from behind," she explained simply.

"Oh my God, Liv," said Elliot shocked, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"It happened so quickly," she continued. "I couldn't believe it was happening. I completely froze. It was nothing like I imagined it would be. I was useless. I thought this was how my life was going to end: raped and murdered in a place where I thought I had been safe without…." She faltered a little, not willing to mention the fact that she had been more devastated at the thought of never seeing him again than at the loss of her own life. She continued, changing tack slightly, "I thought I was going to die. I truly did. I completely froze, El. So I… I let him. I let him rape me. I was waiting for him to cut me then, but he didn't. He shoved me down to the ground and ran…. El, I, I'm so sorry. "

"No, Liv! No! You didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. You know that, you do." His eyes were filled with tears and he blinked fiercely, trying to force them away. He gripped her tightly pulling her once more to his chest. He wished he could say something more profound, something to comfort her, to take her pain away, but no words would suffice.

"I was pathetic," she continued. "I just sank to the floor and sat there for a while. I couldn't go out and face them all. So I snuck down the back stairs and came straight home." Elliot could feel her tears soaking through his thin T-shirt now. He was still in disbelief. It couldn't be true. He must be having some kind of weird nightmare.

"Elliot?" she whispered. She had finished and was obviously waiting for some kind of response, but what should he say? All the usual things they said to victims just sounded so inadequate. Besides, he knew the last thing she would want was to be fed a line.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said. A tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. "You're safe now, I promise. I hate the bastard who did this to you. We're going to nail him, Liv, we will."

"Elliot…" she said, her tone pleading. Then he realised something.

"Liv, you showered? What about the rape kit?"

Her face contorted. "I can't," she said. "Elliot, please. I don't want anyone to know about this! I wasn't going to tell you, but you just came barging in here and... Please. I'm not doing a rape kit. No one can know what happened today."

"Olivia? You can't be serious? We have to get this bastard!"

"I can't live with everyone knowing, El. I can't be the SVU detective who turned into a rape victim. Please." She looked directly into his eyes as she spoke. He recognised she was serious. He even understood to a point. She was a very private person. But this had happened at work. This wasn't something they could or should just brush under the carpet. God, what if it was someone in the office?

"Liv," he asked suddenly, "did you know him?" he asked. "Was it…?"

"Elliot, please. I don't want to talk about it any more, not now." Her eyes were pleading with him to let it alone. He would for now, he decided. He had to respect her wishes. She needed his support as a friend not as a police detective and at the moment that was much more important than anything else.

He still decided to ask the other question burning at the back of his mind. "Did he… erm… did he use a condom?" he asked awkwardly. He was relieved when she nodded. "We should still get you checked out," he said.

"All right, but not tonight," she replied miserably. "I can't face it tonight."

"Liv," he said, "I'm staying here with you tonight. I don't want you to be on your own." She automatically opened her mouth to protest, but then to his surprise, she stopped herself, instead nodding in agreement. She truly didn't want to be on her own tonight and having him here was comforting. She had been worried, still was really, that he would start to see her differently, as a victim, lose some respect for her even, blame her for not stopping the perpetrator and preventing the attack, but right now all that really mattered to her was that he was close. She couldn't avoid thinking about the fact that Pat Miller knew exactly where she lived and she was terrified he might decide it was better not to leave any witnesses behind and come after her.

It surprised her how comfortable she felt in Elliot's arms. She had no one else to turn to. Anyway, she didn't want to talk about it with anyone else. It was bad enough that Elliot knew, but she trusted him. He wouldn't tell anyone without her say-so. She was sure over time she could get him more on board about her reasons for not reporting it, although she was a little worried what his reaction would be if he found out who had done it. She didn't intend to mention that any time soon though.

"I just want to put it out of my mind. Maybe watch some mindless TV and go to bed," she said, forcing a weak smile.

"We can do anything you want," he said softly, stroking her hair gently.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly. "This wasn't what you had in mind when I invited you out this evening, was it?"

"Liv, please, please don't apologise. None of this is your fault and I'm here for you."

"You're a good friend, El," she replied snuggling into him a little. He wondered how good a friend he really was, as he was finding it hard to concentrate on not allowing his physical reaction to her closeness give away his true feelings towards her. He was certain the last thing she needed right now was to be made aware of just how much he cared about her.

It was a subject he had been considering broaching tonight, as a matter of fact. He had planned on taking her to a small little Italian place that he had recently discovered. The tables were set in private alcoves, with candles and flowers. There was ample good wine and the food was to die for. He had been hoping the romantic atmosphere would have given him the courage to reveal to her just how strongly he felt, hoping that she might be ready to admit she felt the same. He knew she cared for him, but he also sensed she was as nervous as he was about taking a step into unknown territory and risking everything they had. He knew for certain that he wanted more though. Now he had settled into his single life a little better, he recognised the strength of his feelings much more clearly.

They snuggled for a while, neither speaking. Eventually Olivia shifted.

"You must be starving," she said. He smiled, amazed that, in the midst of something like this, she was still thinking about someone other than herself.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"Not really. I could probably eat something light. Do you want to order take-out?"

"Sure," he said. "What do you fancy? Chinese?"

"You choose, I really don't think I could eat much anyway."

"Well then, if it's alright with you, I think I'll just get a pizza."

"OK," she agreed. "There's a menu in that drawer over there." He stood to fetch the menu, a little reluctant to release his hold on her.

He ordered a large pepperoni with extra cheese. Once he'd finished his call, Olivia switched on the TV.

"They said it should be about twenty five minutes," he said.

"OK," she said. "Do you want a beer or something?"

"Sure," he said, "one won't hurt." The truth was he felt like something a lot stronger, although he didn't want to drink too much. He wanted to be able to give Olivia his full attention tonight. He suspected she might have trouble sleeping and he planned on staying by her side if she had a difficult night.

Olivia stood.

"I can get it," he said, immediately standing himself.

"No, Elliot, please, I can get you a beer. I'm not going to fall apart opening the fridge and cracking a can."

"I know, but…"

"Please, just let me get it for you."

He sighed. He felt bad having her wait on him after everything she had been through that evening. She brought him a can with a glass.

"Thanks," he said, smiling gratefully. He noticed she had a beer in her hand herself. She took a long slow sip. Then she sat back down beside him.


	4. Chapter 4: Sleep

4

Sleep

October 11

"It doesn't seem real," she said suddenly after several minutes of silence. Elliot slid his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. She continued, "It's just sitting here with you, watching TV, drinking a beer seems so normal. I can't get my head around it. It's almost like it didn't happen, except it's so clear in my head: every single second of it."

"Oh sweetie," he said, "It's going to be OK. We both know this is going to take time, but you will be OK. I promise."

"I hope so," she replied doubtfully.

"I'll be here with you," he said. He meant it.

"Are you sure you want to stay?" she asked. "You don't have any spare clothes, do you?"

"I could always borrow yours," he joked. He saw the corners of her mouth turn in a slight smile. "I changed into some fresh clothes before I came over," he said, "I can go and pick some more things up tomorrow. She eyed him curiously. He was obviously planning on staying a few days. She wondered what plans he had made for the weekend and how much she was disrupting them.

"What about your plans?" she asked. "I don't want to ruin your weekend"

"Liv, I don't have anything on. You're not ruining anything! I can think of worse people to spend my time off with anyway," he teased. He glanced at her nervously, wondering how she would take his comment, but she seemed lost in thought. Her eyes were closed. He wasn't even certain she had heard his reply. "Liv?" he said again.

She heard him this time. She was confused. Today had been so strange. It truly didn't seem like the rape was real. It had happened so fast. She had been so focused on the knife and the fear of being cut that the rape itself had seemed more on the periphery at the time. She could feel her body being abused, but her mind had mostly been focused on what it would be like to die and how she wished she could see Elliot just one more time, tell him all the things she had never found the courage to say before. Now, however, with the immediate threat to her life gone, her mind kept going over and over the actual rape. She felt like her head was going to explode with trying to decide where she had gone wrong, what she could have done to prevent it. The moment when he had released the knife to put on the condom stood out. She should have made her move then. Why hadn't she? It was like it kept happening again and again and she couldn't escape her own mind. She took another long swig of her beer, hoping it might dull the memories a little.

"Liv," she heard him say again. She opened her eyes and remembered she was at home, on the sofa in her living room and that Elliot was here. She was safe. Then she realised that Elliot was facing her, looking at her, his face etched with worry. He was holding her arms just below her shoulders.

"Liv," you were gone there for a moment," he said. "Was it a flashback?" She looked at him still confused.

"What?" she said.

"Liv, were you remembering the attack?"

"I…" she said. "It was so vivid." She paused. Then she looked up at him and he saw the fear in her eyes. "I can't do this," she whispered.

"Olivia!" he grasped her shoulders firmly, "You're going to be OK." He wondered who he was trying to convince more, her or himself. "You're going to be OK! It'll take time, but I promise you will." He put his arms around her then, holding her tightly again. Her expression was vacant. She was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep, yet at the same time she wanted to stay awake so she could stay near Elliot, feel his warmth, hear his voice, listen to his steady heart beat as she laid her head on his chest. What was wrong with her? She was supposed to be strong, level-headed, but instead she felt like a child who wanted to cling to her mother, only she had never had the type of mother she could ever cling to. Elliot was the closest person she had in her life. He was the only one who really cared about her. That realisation hit her hard as she sat on the couch feeling his warm arms holding her safe. She closed her eyes. Her head was aching. She ignored the voice telling her not to give in to her neediness and placed it on his chest.

She was comfortable in his arms. She wondered what he must be thinking. She had prided herself on her strength, but she knew now it was all a sham. Not only had she been unable to prevent the attack but now she was falling apart in front of him. Part of her wanted to pull away, tell him to leave and just curl up in a ball in her bed and scream. She was terrified to be on her own though. She knew that Elliot would die himself before he'd let anything happen to her. Both of them were trained and she was armed. There was obvious safety in numbers. She wondered briefly if maybe she should tell Elliot it was Pat, just in case he did come after her.

The doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. Elliot gently removed himself from her grasp and went to the door to collect and pay for the pizza. He was not long. Olivia knew it was more than likely the pizza guy but she still felt her heart skip a beat as she wondered briefly if it was Pat. She relaxed when she heard Elliot thanking and paying the boy. He came back into the living room, placed the pizza on the table and opened the lid. The smell immediately filled the room. "Try some, Liv" he said. "You need to eat something." He handed her a piece. She obediently took it and tried a small bite. It was warm and tasted good but within seconds of swallowing, her stomach lurched. The nausea was overwhelming. She placed the slice back down in the box. It was no good. She was definitely going to be sick. She stood and headed quickly towards the bathroom. She slipped in and headed straight for the toilet, raised the seat and heaved violently into the bowl, making it just in time.

She barely noticed Elliot coming in behind her, but she felt him brushing her hair out of her eyes and holding it back for her. She felt so embarrassed. He did not deserve this. What part of friendship involved standing and holding back your partner's hair as they violently threw up in the middle of a meal because they had been raped? This went way beyond normal.

"I'm fine," she said. "Please, go!" He ignored her and instead continued stroking her hair. She flushed the toilet and sank down on the floor, her stomach settled for now. He sat behind her, allowing her to lean against him as he held her. His kindness was too much. She couldn't stop the tears from falling – again! She fiercely wiped them away with the back of her hand, determined that he should get to finish his meal. She stood and made her way to the sink washed her hands and brushed her teeth, swilling her mouth with mouth wash afterwards.

He was standing, watching her silently.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "Come on."

They returned to the living room. The episode in the bathroom luckily didn't seem to have negatively affected his appetite. He ate heartily but slightly more quickly than usual she noted. When he had finished he removed the pizza box and placed it in the bin, then made his way back to her. Without a word, he slipped his arm around her and pulled her towards him. She was exhausted. Her stomach still churned. Somewhere in the back of her mind she was aware that it was not purely down to her trauma but also had something do with the feel of his touch. How long had he been affecting her like this? She wasn't sure. She wondered if he felt anything himself. She wasn't sure what was going on between them, but this felt like more than just friendship, or at least she tentatively dared to hope it was. She rested her head on him and breathed slowly, matching the rise and fall of his chest and giving in once again to how soothing it felt.

"Elliot," she whispered.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Thank you for being here."

He didn't immediately reply. He just squeezed her tighter, leant forward and kissed her gently on her head. "You're exhausted," he stated.

"You must be too!" she said.

He glanced at his watch. It wasn't even nine o clock. "Do you think you can sleep?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I think so."

"Let's get you to bed then," he replied.

"Elliot…" she said.

"I'll sleep on the couch," he interrupted her.

"No, I… I mean if you prefer to then… I don't want you to feel like you have to stay."

"Liv, of course I have to be here. How could I not? You are my best friend. I care about you - a lot! I want to be here for you."

Once again her eyes filled with tears. She hated this weak person she had suddenly turned into. She blinked hard, forcing them away. He accompanied her into her bedroom.

"Do you want to put on some pyjamas or something?" he asked.

She nodded. She picked some from her drawer then disappeared into the bathroom to get changed in privacy and brush her teeth. When she returned to the bedroom she saw he had pulled back the soft duvet on her bed for her. He gently helped her lie down, noting her wince slightly as her back and her head hit the pillow. He pulled the duvet up and over her tired body.

"Is your head sore?" he asked, perching on the bed beside her and placing his hand on her forehead as though he was checking for a fever.

"Just a little," she admitted. "I banged it slightly on the wall when he… when he attacked me, but it might be more to do with the fact I can't seem to turn these damn tears off."

"I wish we could have gone and got you checked out in the hospital," he said. "Where did you bang it?"

"I'm fine, El. Really."

"Where, Liv?" he insisted.

"Here," she replied, raising her hand to her head and showing him the place at the front to the left. He placed his own hand there. "I can feel a slight lump," he said. It didn't look too serious. "Do you want to take something?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "Really, I'm fine.

"As long as you're sure," he said unconvinced. "I suppose I should really leave you to get some rest."

"Elliot," she said, grasping his hand as he went to stand. "I…" she paused. She almost did not say anything, but he looked straight into her eyes and somehow her nervousness at what she wanted to ask dissolved. "I don't want to sleep alone," she whispered. There she had got it out. She lowered her eyes, not daring to look at his face and see his reaction.

"Then you won't" he replied simply. "I just need to use the bathroom though." She nodded. He disappeared but returned a few minutes later, minus his trousers and shirt, just wearing a vest and underpants. He slid into the bed next to her.

"Can I hold you?" he asked nervously. He was very aware that he was in her bed, her most intimate space.

"Yes," she replied and he slowly and gently wrapped his body around hers, drawing her head to his chest and holding her tightly. She could smell the fresh scent of mint toothpaste and soap.

He could barely breathe with the nervousness he felt. He was so aware of every single place their bodies were touching and he deliberately made sure he kept both of his hands in a neutral place – one on her head, stroking her hair and the other on her arm. Every single one of his nerve endings felt like it was on fire. He wondered if sleep was even the remotest possibility this close to her. He was pleased to see that she however soon closed her eyes. Her breathing quickly grew deeper and her head resting on him seemed heavier and he realised she was asleep. He did not release his grip but held her firmly. Having her in his arms felt surprisingly comforting to him as well. After a while he too relaxed and fell asleep. His grip never loosened.


	5. Chapter 5: Getting away

5

Getting away

October 12

He woke before she did. It was already light. He glanced over at the clock on the bedside table and was surprised to see it was gone eight. He had been half-expecting her to have a disturbed night after everything she had been through the day before, but she hadn't even stirred, as far as he was aware anyway. He was glad. She needed sleep. He felt pretty refreshed himself. He was amazed at how comfortably and how long he had slept with her in his arms. She was still there. Her head had moved from his chest and was on the mattress, pressed up against his side. He looked at her sleeping face and fought the urge to just lean down and kiss her then and there.

_What was he thinking?_

He didn't want to move, but he needed to pee. He slowly managed to get out of the bed without disturbing her. He went to the bathroom, deciding he would have a shower and freshen himself up before she woke.

The hot water felt wonderful. He quickly dressed and then returned to the bedroom. She was still asleep. He climbed back on to the bed beside her and lay down snuggling against her, deciding he would lay there for a while. He wanted to be close to her, while she would still let him. He guessed in a few days, once the initial shock wore off she'd be back closer to her usual self and there was a good chance he'd be sent back to the couch. She was strong and resilient. He believed she'd get through this.

He closed his eyes, imagining what it would be like to kiss her. Then he stopped his train of thought. He was finding it harder and harder to stop himself from thinking about her in that way. Of course he'd always been physically attracted to her, but he had been married and had been able to keep himself in check. Now with the divorce finalised, added to the fact they no longer worked together, he was finding it harder and harder to ignore his attraction and after the last few hours wrapped around her body, he knew without a doubt that he wanted more. It was hardly the best timing though. She would obviously need a lot of healing time before she would be able to consider jumping into a relationship, let alone with him. He wasn't even certain she would even want that. He wished life hadn't thrown them this curve ball though. She didn't deserve this. She spent her life helping victims and now she had become one herself. It was devastating. He wondered if he might even convince her to leave SVU, do something a lot less stressful. It would be unimaginably hard for her to go back now, after everything she had been through.

He must have dropped off. He felt her stirring and when he looked at the clock it was now half past nine.

"Morning," he said pleasantly. "How are you feeling?"

She looked up at him sleepily. Then she saw the clock. "Wow," she exclaimed. "I can't believe it's that time already! I haven't slept that long in… maybe ever!" She felt a little awkward. Waking up together in the cold light of day, it felt different than it had last night. It heralded a shift in their relationship and she wasn't sure exactly where things were going and it made her feel uneasy. She wished she could just run, leave the city and forget about work and the attack and everything for a few days. She looked at Elliot and wondered what he was thinking. Neither of them had pulled away.

"Are you hungry?" He broke the silence.

"A little maybe," she said. She remembered her nausea from the night before and inwardly cringed. It was like she had been exposed in every way possible yesterday. First there was the humiliation of the rape itself. Then there was telling Elliot and him seeing her raw emotions: her fear, her weakness, her need to cling on to him and feel that somebody was with her. Finally she had vomited in front of him while he held her hair away from her face. She had never shared such intimate moments with anyone before. Even as a child, she didn't remember her own Mother once holding her hair back while she threw up. She craved the love that she felt she had missed out on and Elliot was showing it to her now. She was terrified of growing too dependent on it, but at the same time she couldn't pull herself away. She needed him. She knew that and it terrified her.

"Can we just go somewhere?" she asked suddenly. She saw his look of surprise and continued, explaining, "I just want to get out of the city, leave everything behind for a few days.

"Sure," he said. "It sounds like a good idea. Like I said, I have nothing on. The kids are all busy anyway."

"Let's go then," she said.

"Where shall we go?" he asked.

"I don't care. Just as far away as we can get," she answered.

"I will need to pick up a few things at my place," he said. Why don't you throw some things into a bag and we can grab some breakfast, pop by my place and just head straight out of the city?"

"Sounds good," she said. "I think I'll pop in the shower. I won't be long though." They both stood. She grabbed a few items of clothing and headed towards the bathroom. He headed towards the kitchen to see what she had in for breakfast. He found some cereal and helped himself to a large bowl. Twenty minutes later she appeared from the bedroom, carrying a small holdall.

"You want some cereal?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I can pick up a croissant and a coffee on the way: I'm just not all that hungry yet."

He looked at her sharply. He made a mental note to make sure she ate something nutritious later, but left it for now. Not even twenty four hours had passed since her attack. It was hardly surprising she was suffering from a loss of appetite.

"Shall we get out of here then?" he asked.

"Yep," she replied. "Let's go!"

They stopped briefly by Elliot's apartment to pick up his things. Olivia came up with him. He was a little embarrassed about her seeing the mess he had left the place in, but leaving her alone outside in the car wasn't an option. She had made a teasing comment about the mess, but he knew she wasn't really that bothered. It wasn't usually as bad as this, but things had just got a little neglected given how busy he had been the last few weeks. He was so glad the next few days were work free and he was already planning on ringing in and taking some extra time off so he could stay by Olivia's side while she needed him most.

On the drive over, they had both remained silent and the details of her attack that she had shared with him had stayed prominent in his thoughts. He kept imagining her pinned against the wall, a knife against her throat, convinced she was going to die while she was viciously raped and humiliated and the image made him feel sick. He wished he had never left SVU and had been there, able to protect her. He knew he couldn't change things, but the horror of what had happened to her was really starting to sink in and he was finding it difficult to contemplate how awful the attack truly had been for her.

It was hard to steer his mind away from these thoughts. He knew he was taking this hard, but he also felt she had it so much worse and that in some ways he had no right to even consider that he was going through a traumatic experience himself. He had no idea what she was thinking now. How much was it playing on her mind? Did she remember the touch of her attacker when he touched her? He shuddered at the thought. He wanted to hug her and hold her now. He was nervous about touching her in case it triggered a bad reaction. He knew from experience that a lot of rape victims didn't like to be touched for a long while after they were raped and that it was always best to wait for them to reach out first. At the same time though, he wanted her to know he was here for her. So far she hadn't seemed upset when he had held her. She wouldn't want to be treated like a victim, he decided. He just needed to try and act as normal as possible around her, but be prepared for anything.

He collected his things quickly and shoved them haphazardly into a bag. She was waiting for him in the small living area. He realised this was the first time she had been inside his new place since he'd moved in just a few months ago. When he appeared with his bag, she was standing looking at the small collection of framed photos he had on the telephone table by the wall. Mostly they were of his kids, but he also had a tiny one of them together. It had been taken a few years back at a pub where the team had gone for drinks after work. They were both laughing and he had his arm loosely around her waist, posing for the picture. She was moved to see he had framed the picture and had it on display but she felt a twinge of sadness at how carefree she looked back then. She wondered if she would ever feel that way again.

At that moment she felt his arm, tentative but strong, closing around her shoulder, his hand grasping her lower arm. She absent-mindedly rested her head on his shoulder. "You framed this!" she said softly, smiling slightly.

"Yeah," he said. "It's one of my favourites of us." He squeezed her slightly, pleased to see her smile. "Come on, shall we get going?" He loosened his hold and they both headed back down towards the car.

Olivia buckled herself into the passenger seat, adjusting the incline slightly in preparation for the journey. Elliot leaned over and changed the CD to Coldplay. The background music took the pressure off the need for constant conversation, but he kept the volume down low, so they could talk easily if they wanted. He didn't want to spend the journey in silence, potentially leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts… and flashbacks.

"Great weather," he commented neutrally after a while. The skies were clear outside and the autumn sun was shining with a surprising strength.

"Yeah," agreed Olivia. She hadn't really noticed. She looked up at the sky and saw the tiny outline of an aeroplane flying overhead. "I want to go to Europe some day."

Elliot glanced at her briefly. She was staring out of the window lost in thought.

"Italy? France?" he asked.

"Yeah, but also Scandinavia," she said. Maybe Norway or Iceland - they look so beautiful in pictures.

"I don't think I know much about either of them," admitted Elliot. There was a brief silence. "Are you hungry yet?" he asked. "We can pull in up here." He indicated ahead towards a roadside café.

"I guess I could use a coffee," she replied.

"OK," he said. He pulled in and they got out of the car and walked across the car park to the café. He went in first and she followed behind. It was a stereotypical roadside place with the clientele consisting almost completely of truck drivers. It was busy. As they made their way towards the service counter it was near impossible to move without brushing against somebody. Elliot instinctively placed his arm around her protectively, preventing her from being bumped by random strangers. "We can stop at the next place," he offered, noticing her pale face and anxious expression.

"No," she exhaled. "I can't let him control my life."

"Liv, give yourself some time."

"I'm fine, El," she replied. They made their way to the counter and bought a couple of coffees and a croissant each, then they headed back towards the car. They climbed in and Elliot locked the doors.

"You OK?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah," she replied unconvincingly. Her heart was racing and she felt light-headed. She laid her head back against the head rest and took a couple of deep breaths.

"Try and eat," he encouraged her. He gave her the paper bag containing the croissant and handed over her coffee. She took a sip and placed it in the drink holder. Then she gingerly opened the paper bag and broke off a tiny piece of the croissant, placed it in her mouth and forced herself to chew.

"Not too bad for a truck stop café," said Elliot chewing on his own croissant. She agreed.

"I wish I could just skip the next few months," she said suddenly and wistfully, replacing the croissant in the bag, folding down the edge and placing it in the side compartment on the door.

"You're going to be OK, Liv!" assured Elliot. He was determined he would tell her this as many times as she needed to hear it before she started to believe it. "I'm going to be here with you all the way."

Olivia looked down at the coffee she was now holding in both hands on her knee. She knew he meant it, _now anyway_.

"Why?" she asked suddenly. "Why did this have to happen?" The vulnerability in her voice made his heart ache.

"I don't know," he sighed. "I just don't know." He leaned over and placed his hand on her face. "I wish I could have protected you, Liv," he whispered. Tears stung his eyes and he had to fight to force them back.

"It was the crib," she said pitifully. "I didn't think I'd need protecting. I… I wasn't even paying attention! I was lost in my own thoughts and he slipped in, locked the door and came across the room to where I was, all without me even noticing."

"Why would you expect something like that, especially there?" he comforted.

"I should never have let my guard down."

"It's not your fault!"

"You don't understand, I…."

"Olivia, listen to me! It's not your fault!"

"I was thinking about… you…. about our plans for the night." Her voice was small now. He barely heard her. His heart almost skipped a beat. _Had he heard her right?_

"It doesn't matter, what you were thinking," he said, "It wasn't your fault!" She raised her head and looked straight into his eyes.

"He could have killed me. I shouldn't have let my guard down."

"Liv, stop it! Stop beating yourself up! He had a knife to your throat. There was nothing you could have done. Fighting may have ended up with you dead. And… if that had happened, I…. Well, I can't imagine how I'd live life without you…." He trailed off, the thought of what might have happened suddenly overwhelming him. It was too painful to think about. She was here and alive and that was all that mattered now.

"Can we get going?" she asked, suddenly uncomfortable with how emotional this conversation was getting.

"Sure," he said. He squeezed her arm and he started the car engine. The CD player kicked into action and "Fix you" started playing. They both silently listened to the music and the lyrics, the tones and beat entrancing both of them. The car headed further away from the city.


	6. Chapter 6: Plans

6

Plans

October 12

The CD had played the whole way through and had started again before she spoke.

"I'm glad you're here," she said simply. He reached over with his right hand and placed it on her leg, just above her knee. Her stomach knotted. She took a slow deep breath.

"Is this OK?" he asked, wondering if it was too much, but he had wanted to make physical contact with her to remind her she wasn't alone.

"Yes," she replied. She cupped her hand over his, holding him to her. She wasn't sure if this was just him comforting her, or something more. She knew her reaction to his touch was definitely something more. She was kind of surprised. By rights she should be numb after what had happened to her, but Elliot moved her in ways she couldn't put words to. The anticipation was intoxicating. Would he move his hand up? Would he move it away again? She felt her palm getting sweaty and suddenly felt self-conscious. She removed her hand and surreptitiously wiped it on the side of her leg.

Up ahead she saw a sign post to a local beach. "Let's go down there!" she said impulsively. He signalled right and they took the small road down to the beach.

"I never do this," he smiled. "Usually I just drive for the sole purpose of getting from A to B."

She smiled at him. "I rarely get out of the city myself," she said. They didn't meet any other cars along the narrow road. Towards the end it turned a little stony and then sandy. There was a small empty car park, with spaces for only around five vehicles. Elliot pulled into one. "You want to go and see the beach?" he asked, removing his hand from her leg and unbuckling his seat belt.

"Yes," she replied. They clambered out of the car and walked down the path towards the beach. Olivia wavered for a minute then she slipped her hand into his. He gripped her hand tightly and they carried on walking. Her stomach was again in knots. It felt like the intensity of her feelings for him was growing every second, with every touch. The amazing thing was that it was a wonderful distraction from thinking purely about the unpleasantness of the attack. Not that it was ever out of her mind. It just helped it seem slightly more distant. She was off work, out of the city and holding hands with a man who she was increasingly realising meant everything to her.

They walked onto the beach. "Mind your step!" he warned as they navigated some rocks. The tide was in, so there wasn't a lot of sand exposed, but it was a pretty little place. There was no one else around. It was perfect. She pulled him towards the left and they wandered along the beach. A short way along, she stopped and they sat down facing the sea.

"I love the sound of the waves," she said. "It's so relaxing!"

"Me too," he agreed. He lay back on the sand pulling her down with him. They lay side by side looking up, watching the clouds scurrying across the sky.

"Liv," he said suddenly, turning to face her. "I hope this doesn't sound weird, given the reason we are here… but I am glad. I mean, I'm glad we came away like this."

She turned too and they were now face to face, inches from each other. They both felt the pull, the overwhelming desire to kiss. Neither made a move, scared to take that extra step, each of them partly unsure exactly what the other was thinking.

"Elliot…" she said.She wanted so badly to tell him,_ I love you_, but she was terrified to say the words out loud. Instead she reached forward and touched his face.

Elliot took a deep breath. Her proximity was too much: he couldn't hold back any longer. He leaned in and kissed her gently on the mouth. Her lips were soft, full and welcoming. He was ecstatic to feel her responding. She kissed him back. It was a slow sensual, highly erotic kiss. He felt his lower body responding immediately. He groaned and pulled himself away. "I'm so sorry," he murmured.

"It's OK," she said smiling. She looked away, a little embarrassed. "I don't mind, I mean, I…"

"He placed his hand on her face and guided her chin and brought her mouth to his again. They kissed again, still lying down. He was gentle and more restrained than he truly felt, but he knew she needed gentleness and caring at the moment and he wanted so badly to make her feel safe and happy again. She smelled and felt amazing. He could so easily lose himself in her. He wrapped his arms tightly around her as he kissed her. It was a long slow kiss, with both of them gently and tentatively exploring each other's mouths. Eventually they both pulled away and she moved her head, leaning it against him, her body still firmly in his grasp.

She sniffed slightly. He looked at her and realised with alarm that she was crying. Her eyes were wet and tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"Liv!" he said in concern, "I'm so sorry! It was too much; too fast!

"No," she said. "I just, I don't know why I'm crying. I'm just all over the place…"

"Of course you are," he comforted her.

"I just feel like I'll never be normal again," she said. "I can't get it out of my head Elliot. It's like…" Her voice turned to almost a whisper. "It's like I keep getting raped over and over again."

His heart sank. He had been hoping he was proving at least a little distracting. He recognised he had been naïve though. There was no way she wouldn't be thinking about it. It was just yesterday for goodness sake. People took months, years to get over things like this and many never did. He felt terrible now for kissing her at such a sensitive time.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia," he repeated. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

She looked at him sadly. "I'm glad you did," she said. "It's just, this is so hard. I range from willing myself to force him out of my head and not let him ruin my life to just wanting to end it all in the space of five minutes."

Her words were like a stab to his heart. He tightened his hold on her.

"Liv, you haven't seriously been thinking like that, have you?" he asked, brushing a stray bit of hair out of her eye and concentrating hard now on fighting his own tears back. "Please, tell me you're not seriously having thoughts like that. I couldn't stand it if….."

"I don't know what to think," she said. "I guess, yes, it has crossed my mind, but only in a jumbled up way with so many other thoughts."

"Liv, I hate that you're thinking something like that."

"I'm not going to do anything, El," she said soberly. "I just want to be really honest with you about how I feel. I…. I need you." She stopped. It was true, she really did, but she had surprised herself that she had said it out loud.

He buried his face in her hair, kissing her head. "You have me!" he said, "I'm not going anywhere!"

She closed her eyes, drinking in his smell and his warmth.

"I think when we get back, you should talk to someone," he continued.

"I am," she replied flippantly.

"I mean a professional," he insisted.

"I know," she said.

"Liv, I'm just worried about you. I don't want to lose you."

"Maybe you already have? I don't feel like me any more."

"You are still you!"

"Maybe," she said, not sounding very convinced.

"You just need time."

"Yeah," she sighed.

"I promise you we'll get through this."

She snuggled into him, wanting very much to believe what he was saying was true. Even if she had her doubts, she appreciated his attempt at comforting her.

"Maybe we should get going again?" she suggested.

"I don't think I can let you go," he said grinning at her now. "Might be a tad difficult to drive like this…"

"We have three days," she said, smiling. She knew he had a long weekend off himself.

"Is that all?" he replied.

"Come on," she said. "Let's get out of here."

"Fine," he said reluctantly. He stood up, took her hands in his and then pulled her up to her feet. He took her left hand in his right and they walked back to the car.

Before they set off he changed the CD. Once they got back onto the main road, he turned right and they continued on.

"You know, I was thinking," he said suddenly. "I'm going to ring in and take some extra leave."

"Really?" she said, trying not to give away just how happy she felt to hear this. "Do you really think you can get some time off?"

"Yeah," he replied. "You are going to have to take some time off yourself."

"I thought about it," she said, "But I'm not telling Cragen what happened. I've been trying to decide what excuse to use that will be convincing enough."

"I'm sure he could easily draft in a temporary replacement for a few months."

"Yeah maybe… but I was thinking more like a couple of weeks, not months."

"I think you need time, Liv. This isn't something you can just brush under the carpet and pretend never happened."

"I know," she sighed.

"We could rent somewhere out of the city, get away from it all for a few weeks at least. It would give you some healing time and you could see how you feel then about going back…"

"That does sound good," she admitted.

"It would also give us some time to figure "us" out.

She looked at him. She knew then that he wanted more for them. She easily admitted to herself that she wanted it too.

"I can ring in later," he said.

"OK," she agreed. Life was too short. Plus, the thought of a few uninterrupted weeks with Elliot gave her a twinge of excitement, an emotion she wanted to focus on right now if she could. Knowing he was by her side, that he cared for her, even wanted her, made her feel that maybe she might be able to get over this in time.

"They might not agree," she said, scared to hope too much.

"I think they will," he said.

"Elliot, you can't even hint at why. These things get around quickly," she warned him sternly.

"I won't. I'll just say I'm stressed out with some personal problems and need some time to get back on track. They'll more than likely assume it's the divorce, so it won't likely cause much surprise."

"OK," she said.

"Are you sure you are OK with the idea of us going somewhere together though?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied.

"I guess we should leave it a few days though?" he suggested. "…Before making any definite plans. It's so soon. You may feel differently."

"I'm sure, Elliot," she said. She looked up at him and studied his face. He was concentrating on the road but he briefly turned slightly and smiled at her. "You know, this isn't just because I was attacked," she said looking back down at her lap. "My feelings have been here for a while…"

"Mine too," he said. "I just, never thought you felt the same way."

"We were partners for so long it's hard to imagine something different."

"I know." He agreed. "Liv, we can take this slow. You need time and I'm going to wait for you. Honestly, however long it takes."

"OK," she said.

He took a deep breath, his hand gripping the wheel tightly. He wanted to tell her he loved her so badly, but he couldn't say the words now, not when he was unable to take her into his arms and hold her and make her feel them, believe them. He would wait and tell her when the moment was better, more perfect. He suspected she already knew anyway.


	7. Chapter 7: Hospital examination

7

Hospital examination

October 12

Elliot was starting to feel hungry. He was also starting to feel stiff from all the driving, although he was less willing to admit to that. He suggested they stop at the next suitable place and get something to eat and have a rest. Olivia agreed. He could sense she was reluctant, but, as was typical for her, she was obviously trying to put on a brave face.

"We could stop at a convenience store and get something there if you prefer," he suggested. "We could find somewhere to park and eat and maybe stretch our legs a little.

"That sounds good to me," she said, relieved. She hadn't wanted to face another busy roadside café. She preferred to just be with Elliot, no one else. She knew on some level it was ridiculous, but what if she ran into Pat? She didn't think she could cope with seeing him again, ever, and preferred to avoid even the slightest possibility of that happening, however remote it may be.

They pulled into the next Convenience store and bought some sandwiches and a few snacks for their make-shift picnic. Then they drove a little down the road and found a parking area with a short trail and picnic benches under the shade of some trees. There was no one else there.

"This looks good," Elliot said, sitting down at a bench. She sat down opposite him and they opened up their sandwiches. He watched her as she nibbled half-heartedly at the corner of her sandwich. "You still have no appetite?" he asked.

"Not really," she replied. She set the sandwich down and picked up her bottle of water.

"We should make sure you eat properly this evening," he said. She didn't reply. Her stomach was in knots. The last thing she wanted to do was eat. She knew she was worrying Elliot. Perhaps this had been a bad idea, coming away with him. She wanted to be close to him, but she felt so lost and down that she was finding it hard to make any conversation. It couldn't be any fun for him. She was terrified he would run a mile once he realised how messed up she really was about this. She felt like her head was going to explode. She kept remembering it over and over again. The feel of his hands, the pressure of the knife, the feeling she was going to die, the humiliation, the helplessness. She needed to force it out of her head, stop going over and over it. It happened. Life would go on. It had to. She blinked a couple of times, forcing away the welling tears. She was not going to cry again. It was pointless. It was weak. She suddenly wanted to shower again. She wanted all traces of Pat gone.

She glanced at Elliot. He didn't seem to have noticed how close she had come to crying again. He probably thought she was all cried out. She watched him finish off his sandwich. He saw her looking at him and he smiled. She returned his smile. She suddenly wanted him holding her again. She forced the thought away. She didn't want to be some clingy needy _victim_. She didn't want him to think she couldn't deal with this. The only trouble was that she was seriously doubting whether she actually could.

She silently scolded herself again for being so weak. She could feel her thoughts spiralling down by the second. What was the point of her existence again? She was in her mid-forties unmarried, childless, probably incapable of doing her job any more due to being so careless that she had allowed herself to be raped by not paying enough attention to what was happening around her. Some detective she was. She couldn't even suss out a colleague. Perhaps she really would be better off taking some pills, ending her pain, her loneliness, her uselessness. She wondered if she'd even manage to do that properly.

Elliot was in front of her now though. He was being so patient with her. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. He deserved someone better, someone who wasn't so damaged. She couldn't hurt him though. He would be devastated, she knew that. It was the main thing keeping her on a somewhat even keel at the moment, ultimately keeping her dark thoughts pushed back somewhat. She suddenly wished they weren't outside and so exposed. She wanted to be completely alone with him, back in bed, with him holding his body tightly to hers, protecting her, making her feel safe again…loving her. She wanted to feel his lips pressed to her own, his gentle hands running through her hair, stroking her face. She wanted to run her own hands all over his body and explore every part of him, force his eyes closed as she made him feel pleasure. She wanted to somehow repay him for all his patience and kindness, let him know that she was worth it and that she would make him feel good too. She wanted to replace the memories of her last physical encounter with new and happy ones. She didn't want to keep remembering her rape. She wanted something new to remember, something she could focus on instead.

She stood, intending to use the nearby rest room. As she did though, she suddenly felt really light-headed. Blackness was enveloping her vision from the outside in, until suddenly everything was black and she had a vague sensation of falling. Then she felt someone holding her.

"Liv!" she heard his voice. He sounded almost panicked. _Elliot. _She was speaking but no sound came out. Where on earth was she? Then she remembered she was outside, half-lying on the grass, with Elliot now cradling her upper body. She realised she must have fainted and that Elliot was now holding her.

"Liv!" she heard again. "It's OK, you fainted."

"Sorry… was all she managed to say. _I didn't mean to worry you._

"Don't speak, Liv," he instructed her. "Here, let's sit you up and take a minute." He helped her up and she leaned against him. "Liv, I want to take you to the hospital," he said slowly, knowing she would resist.

"El, I'm fine, really. I just fainted," she said.

"I know, but all the same. We should get you checked out, make sure you didn't sustain any serious damage during the assault and get you preventative care for any potential STDs." He tightened his arm around her, registering her miserable expression. He felt another sudden burn of anger in the pit of his stomach as he briefly thought about what he would like to do to the bastard who had done this to her. He suppressed it quickly. She needed him calm, not going off the deep-end. In any case she still hadn't mentioned who it was. He suspected she knew and he hoped in time she would tell him. He was also hoping to convince her to do a rape exam at the hospital, just in case she changed her mind about reporting it. Although he knew it was likely too late now to get any good evidence since she had showered at least twice since the attack. Rape kits were still generally carried out up to seventy six hours after the attack and hers had only happened just under twenty-four hours ago.

"Please Liv," he said, "For me."

She looked up at him and saw the worry in his eyes. "OK," she agreed, "But no police."

"OK," he sighed. "Let's just make sure you are OK." He raised his hand and wiped away a tear which was slowly falling down her unusually pale cheek. "Come on," he said. He walked her back to the car and they got in and buckled their seat belts.

After about an hour's drive, they reached Kingstown on Rhode Island. Asking at a convenience store he got directions to the main hospital and they headed there. They pulled into a car parking space and Elliot cut the engine.

"Are you ready?" he asked. Olivia had been silent the whole way. He knew the thought of facing an intimate exam must be terrifying to her, but he believed ensuring her physical health was important enough to warrant it.

"I'm here with you, Liv" he said, clasping her hand briefly. "You can do this."

She opened the door and got out of the car. He immediately went over to her side of the car and put his arm around her. "Slowly," he instructed. "We don't want you fainting again." She allowed him to support her, another sign to him that she was really not feeling well. He was even more relieved they had come to the hospital. He locked the car and they made their way to the ER department.

At the front desk Elliot explained briefly that she had been sexually assaulted and that she was a police officer, knowing that it should get them some degree of preferential treatment. They were quickly ushered into a private room and a female nurse came to take Olivia's patient history and her vitals and some blood for testing. Elliot held her hand tightly as Olivia gave a brief outline of the attack. She sounded distant, almost numb, as she talked about it. Ever since he had insisted on taking her to the hospital she had seemed to sink into herself, barely talking, with a distant expression on her face. He hoped the physical exam would be quick, she'd be given a clean bill of health and then they could get away and find somewhere to stay overnight and have a quiet evening away from the world. He knew she wasn't ready to be around other people right now.

It wasn't long before the doctor arrived to carry out the examination. She was around Olivia's age, with kind eyes and a deep soothing voice. Elliot felt himself relax in her presence. Olivia was still tense and remained silent.

The doctor checked the places that the nurse had recorded on her observation chart during her initial examination. The doctor noted the bruising on her head and face, including that which was hidden by her hair and the bruising and cut to her neck. She also found bruises on her shoulders, breasts, back and hips, which Elliot had been unaware of. There was even a small cut and bruises on her knees which he supposed she had done when her attacker had pushed her to the ground afterwards. It was devastating. He had been present for so many other victims, but this was different. This was Olivia. He felt overwhelmed. He didn't want to break down in front of her. She needed him to be strong. She didn't need to see how upset he really was about all this.

Elliot knew it was almost time for the internal examination. "I'll wait outside, Liv," he said.

"You won't leave, will you?" she asked, clinging on to his hand as he tried to move away.

"Liv, I told you, I'm staying here with you. I promise! I'll be right outside. As soon as it's over, I'll come back in." He brought her hand to his face and kissed it gently. "You can do this. I promise I'm not leaving."

"Stay," she said. "Please don't leave." She was as close to begging as he'd ever heard her.

"You want me to stay for the exam?" he asked her, making sure he had understood correctly. She nodded. "You can stand this end though," she added. Elliot smiled.

"Well if you're sure," he said, holding her hand tightly.

"You have a slight fever, Olivia," said the doctor. "You're also slightly dehydrated. I want to start an IV."

"I don't want to stay in hospital," Olivia said anxiously.

"It'll only take a couple of hours," said the doctor. "It will make you feel much better."

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly. The doctor called the nurse over and instructed her to begin an IV.

When she had finished the doctor got ready for the internal examination. "I'm going to check for injuries below, Olivia," she explained gently. I think you could have an infection." Olivia closed her eyes. When was this whole nightmare going to be over? What if it was an STI? She was mortified at the thought.

"Can you remove your underwear and open your legs for me." Olivia did as asked. The doctor carried out the examination quickly, explaining every step as she went through the procedure. Finally it was over.

"You have some minor internal lacerations, but I don't think they need stitching," the doctor explained. "I'm worried that you could have an infection starting though, so I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics and an oestrogen cream, which should help you heal more quickly. I would advise against using tampons or sexual intercourse for a few days at least. If you have any abdominal pain or a sustained high fever, then you need to come back right away and get checked out. I think the chances of an STD are pretty low given the fact a condom was used. You can get tested for most infections in two weeks time. You will need a follow up HIV test in six months to be certain, but as I said, given the fact he used a condom, I believe the chances are low."

"OK," replied Olivia. "So I can go?"

"After the IV has finished, then yes," replied the doctor. Olivia smiled, relieved.

"I'm going to give you some pamphlets. I really recommend you see a rape counsellor."

"Thanks doctor," said Olivia dismissively. Elliot took the pamphlets for her. "I'll talk to her later," he said. Then the doctor left.

"You'll talk to me later?" asked Olivia, teasingly. He grinned back at her. He hadn't really been joking. He knew she knew the score though. Sadly this wasn't her first time going through a sexual assault either.

"So what do you say we try and find a hotel after we're finished up here?" he asked. "We can rest and maybe watch a movie or something."

"Sure," she said.

"Is there anything you fancy for dinner?" he asked, hoping that she would feel like eating. If her body was fighting an infection, he knew that she needed to eat properly.

"I kind of fancy something light," she said.

"OK, we can do that," he said pleased she was trying. "Listen, I need to go the bathroom. I'm going to call the nurse in to sit with you while I'm gone. I promise I won't be long."

"OK," she said.

Elliot pressed the call button and when the nurse appeared explained that he needed to use the rest room. The nurse agreed to stay with Olivia while he was gone and then he left.

The male rest room was empty. After relieving himself, he stood in front of the sink, washing his hands. It was hospital grade antiseptic soap and suddenly the colour and smell of it drove home that he was in a hospital and that the reason for that was that Olivia had been viciously assaulted. He suddenly felt sick. He had hardly had time to get his head around the situation, as he had been so focused on staying by her side and supporting her as best he could. This was so hard though. He was devastated for her. He couldn't keep his mind from imagining what she had gone through during the attack. He forced himself out of the bathroom, knowing that she was waiting for him.

In the corridor he saw the doctor. She stepped towards him.

"You need to make sure you take some time out for yourself too," she said kindly, placing her hand on his arm. "It' just as traumatic for secondary victims you know."

"She needs me," he replied.

"I know," replied the doctor. "But you need to look after yourself too if you're going to be able to help her."

"I'll be fine," said Elliot. "I need to get back to her."

"Sure," replied the doctor. She watched him return to Olivia's room, glad that Olivia had someone like him to help her through this. So many of the victims she saw come through their doors had absolutely no one.


	8. Chapter 8: Pillow talk

8

Pillow talk

October 12

After leaving the hospital, they found a small hotel and checked in. Elliot debated which room type to get, but then decided a double would be best. He didn't want to waste money on a bigger room, or even two rooms, when it was more than likely going to be fine and if she did end up needing some space, he would be happy enough to sleep on the sofa or chair, or whatever it was the room had. He hoped she would allow him to hold her again that night though. There wasn't anything much he felt he could practically do, as the attack had happened and nothing could change that, but if holding her, helped her feel safe, he was glad to be able to do that at least. He wished things could have been different and that he could be snuggling up with her under much different circumstances. He forced himself to stop that train of thought right there though. She needed him to be there for her emotionally while she got through this. He wondered what she would think if she realised that instead he was secretly fantasizing about them having sex, even a whole relationship and a future together. It was probably best he kept his fantasies to himself – at least for now.

Before heading up to their room, they stopped by the hotel restaurant to have some dinner. It was a small restaurant, but the food was surprisingly decent. She ordered some salad and a bowl of soup and he was pleased to see she managed to eat most of it. They didn't chat much during the meal. There were a few other couples scattered around the restaurant and Elliot watched them interacting, wishing that he and Olivia could be so carefree. He was half-amused to overhear the conversation of a particular couple on the table closest. She was nagging her husband about bringing her somewhere as unexciting as here for their anniversary.

It was so easy to get stuck in a rut with marriage, Elliot thought. He vowed then and there that if something more ever happened between him and Olivia he would do his best to make her feel special as often as he could. It wouldn't just be anniversaries or birthdays, but just any old regular day. He had wasted over ten years by not admitting to himself how much he truly felt for her and he wasn't going to waste a single second more. She deserved everything, probably more than he had to give, but he would do his best, assuming she'd let him of course.

After they had finished their meal, unable to convince her to have a dessert, he settled for a quick coffee, before he paid, and they left and headed upstairs.

The hotel room was simple but clean. It had been repainted fairly recently and was pretty cheerful. The walls were a pale pink and the bedspread was a slightly darker pink, matching the curtains. There was a TV and a movie channel. Elliot handed her the TV magazine and asked her if she fancied watching anything. Meanwhile he went over to the fridge to see if there was any beer inside. He picked out a can and cracked it open, not bothering with a glass. "Do you want any?" he asked.

"I suppose I'd better not," she said reluctantly. "Antibiotics…"

"Oh yeah," he said. "How about some juice then?" he asked.

"Thanks," she replied. He handed her some grapefruit juice. Then he sat down beside her on the bed.

"Anything appealing?" he asked.

"Not really," she said. She handed him back the magazine. "You choose something."

He glanced through and picked out an action movie, deciding it was probably pertinent to avoid a love story or anything too dramatic or emotional given her fragile state.

"How are you feeling anyway?" he asked, placing his hand on her forehead. "You still feel a little warm.

"I'm fine," she said. "You know though, I think I'm going to have a bath." She stood and gathered her belongings before disappearing into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Elliot took a long sip of his beer and sighed, settling down onto the bed to half-heartedly watch the movie he had chosen, trying not to imagine her naked in the bath. He was more than a little uncomfortable with the way his thoughts kept veering towards a place he would prefer them not to go right now. He kept telling himself how inappropriate it was to be fantasizing about her at a time like this. He tried harder to concentrate on the movie.

Olivia reappeared half an hour later, smelling of soap and wearing her pyjamas.

"Hey," he said. "Good bath?"

"Yes, thanks," she replied, climbing onto the bed and settling next to him. "Any good?" she asked referring to the movie.

"To be honest it's not that great," he laughed. "I'll turn it down a bit." He lowered the volume and then took another sip of his beer. Olivia leaned against him and he put his arm round her gently. "Are you OK?" he asked. The words sounded silly as soon as he had said them. Of course she wasn't OK. What was the matter with him?

"Today was hard," she admitted.

"I know," he said. "I'm sorry Liv, but I really think it was for the best that you got seen by a doctor."

"I know." She paused for a second. "I'm a bit scared about the prospect of testing," she admitted. "What if I got something?"

"Then we get you treated," replied Elliot matter-of-factly. "It'll be all right though. He used a condom, so the chances are extremely low, right?"

"I guess," she said.

Elliot didn't say anything. Instead he shifted forward a little, took her left foot in his hands and started to massage it gently. She lay back, enjoying the sensations.

"It's just so different this side of the fence," she sighed eventually, as he changed feet. "All those times I accompanied women and I just never knew. I never knew what it was like, to be them."

"I wish you still didn't," Elliot said before he could stop himself.

Olivia suddenly looked at him. "I'm sorry. This is hard for you too, isn't it?" she said. He abandoned the foot massage and took her hand in his.

"I hate this," he said. "I hate that I couldn't protect you."

"You weren't even there!" she said, "how could you?"

"Exactly," he replied. "I wish I had been." He paused.

"I missed you so much when you left," she said after a while.

"I missed you too," he said, "…too much." He was gently stroking her arm now with his fingers. She turned and laid her head on his chest, snuggling into him.

"Olivia," he said suddenly. "I love you."

He couldn't believe he had just said it. So much for waiting for the perfect romantic moment! The words had just tumbled out. He cringed, waiting for her to pull away or run or shout at him for crossing the line, or something. Instead she squeezed him tightly.

"I love you too," she whispered.

He couldn't believe he was hearing the words. Did she mean it or was this just the trauma speaking? He kissed her gently on her forehead and she raised her head and then their lips met. They kissed slowly but passionately, just like they had done on the beach.

"Liv…" he murmured, suddenly feeling guilty and trying to pull himself away.

"Elliot, just kiss me," she insisted. He gave in. Somewhere in his mind, his good sense was screaming, stop, this is too soon, but she seemed to want this. He forgot about why they were there and he gave in to the moment. It was just him and her. They had finally admitted they loved each other. He was ecstatic that she felt the same way. Kissing her now was one of the most poignant moments in his life so far, he was certain. He closed his eyes, drinking in her scent, her touch and her warmth, wishing he could go all the way.

He felt her guiding his hand towards her breasts. Lost in the moment, he allowed her to lead him and then he could feel her through her pyjamas. He touched her gently, ending up lightly squeezing one breast in his whole hand. Their lips never parted. She then guided his hand down and then up underneath her pyjama top, placing his hand on her bare skin. He gently touched her breasts feeling their softness and fullness. They were perfect. He started to worry about where this was going to end. He was terrified he would be unable to stop himself pushing for more if they carried on like this. He removed his hand from her chest, intending to place it somewhere a little more neutral, but she pulled it, down this time, down towards her legs. Now he felt awkward. There was nothing he wanted more, of course, but he knew she couldn't possibly be ready for this.

"Liv," he said pulling away from her lips. "I think we should take things more slowly."

"I…I just want him off me," she whispered despondently.

"I know, sweetheart," he said, "But the doctor said you need time to heal and I really don't think you're ready for this."

"Don't you… don't you want me?" she said, tears now filling her eyes.

"Of course, I do," he replied. "More than anything," he added. "Please don't think that, Liv. I want you so much. It's just I want you to be one hundred percent ready and I know you're not yet."

Now her tears were falling. She was embarrassed. He reached up and wiped them away gently. "It's OK," he soothed. "It's going to be OK." He held her close to him, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, repeatedly telling her that she was going to be OK and that he loved her. Eventually her tears subsided and her body stopped shuddering.

"Try and sleep Liv," he said. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I`m s…" she started.

"No, Liv," he said, placing a finger on her lips. "Shhh, don't apologise, you don't need to. We have all the time in the world. Just close your eyes. I've got you. You're safe now. I won't let you go. I promise."

She stopped speaking. She had no idea what she had done to deserve someone so understanding by her side. He seemed to know exactly what she needed right now. His words truly were comforting. She never wanted to move from his hold. She felt safe, accepted and loved in his arms. It was so strange to be so happy yet so distraught all at once. It was exhausting. She clung to him desperately, part of her terrified this was all in her mind, that really she was alone, like she always had been. Eventually she felt her body relax and her eyelids growing heavy and she closed her eyes.

Elliot felt her drift off. He gently wiped away the dampness that remained on her cheeks with the back of his hand, kissed her head softly and held her tightly to him.

"I love you so much," he whispered and knowing she couldn't hear him, he added, "I always have."


	9. Chapter 9: A long night

9

A long night

October 13th

He started awake. Olivia was calling out. She was lying on her back, with her head on the mattress and she was squirming. He could just make out her mumbled, "No, no!" It was obviously a nightmare, he quickly realised. He sat up and stared at her for a second, hesitating to wake her, but then she started calling out again, so he reached over and touched her lightly on her shoulders, not wanting to startle her. As he touched her, he was alarmed to see her react with distress, as if she was incorporating his touch into her nightmare.

"Olivia!" he said loudly and firmly. "Wake up!"

It worked. She opened her eyes. They were wide with fear as the memory of the nightmare lingered and she struggled to remember where she was. She had perspiration on her face and was shaking.

"Elliot?" she said. Then she grasped him suddenly, burying her head in his chest, squeezing his arms tightly and she started sobbing.

"It's OK," he soothed. ""It was a nightmare. You're OK now. I'm here. You're safe."

After a minute, she suddenly pulled away, wiping her eyes fiercely. "I'm sorry," she said and she stood and headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Inside she stared at her reflection in the mirror, hating what she saw. She felt completely out of control, helpless. She hated that once again she had cried in his arms like a baby. What must he think of her? He had told her he loved her last night, but this wasn't her. This was some pathetic shell of the person she used to be. How could he possibly love her like this? She had to pull herself together. She turned on the tap and splashed some cold water on her face.

She heard him knocking on the door and calling her name.

"Elliot, go back to bed," she called back. "I'm fine! I just need some time by myself."

"Olivia, please," he insisted. "Don't shut me out. Open the door. Let me be here for you."

"Just give me five minutes on my own, will you?" she yelled, frustrated.

She sank down to the floor, holding her knees, berating herself for being so weak and emotional. Her eyes filled with yet more tears. She wanted so badly to open the door and let him soothe her, but she couldn't. She was terrified she was going to scare him off by being so needy. She had to try and pull herself together on her own. He didn't deserve this. She was a mess. It scared her. Nothing was working to take her mind off the attack. Time felt like it was standing still and she was living in the rape and now it had started intruding into her sleep too. It kept happening over and over and over again and she couldn't stop it. She remembered every single last detail, down to the smells, the sounds and the feel of him. The worst memory was the helplessness she felt, knowing that she was completely overpowered and had no control whatsoever over her fate. He literally got to choose if she lived or died. He had let her live, but what life was this? She was terrified he was going to come back after her. She couldn't even get him locked up now as she had washed away all the evidence.

Her heart sank. What had she done? What on earth had she been thinking? The horror of telling everyone was nothing compared to the knowledge that he was out there and could come back after her at any time. She had made a terrible mistake and now it was too late.

She looked up and saw the razor. It was so close. She could just grab it. The pain would be nothing compared to the pain she felt inside: the pain between her legs, the pain in the pit of her stomach and the pain in her head. Come to think of it, her whole body was aching. She felt feverish. She remembered that she had some kind of filthy infection gnawing away inside her private parts and she shuddered involuntarily. She felt disgusting. She needed to be rid of all traces of him. She stripped off her pyjamas and stepped into the shower. She let the water run over her body and she scrubbed and scrubbed, particularly between her legs, ignoring the pain from repeatedly rubbing such a sensitive area. Finally she stopped and she cut off the water and stepped out onto the mat, drying herself half-heartedly with the towel.

She could hear the low sound of the TV in their room. Elliot was obviously waiting for her. She felt so guilty about laying all this on him. She never should have answered the phone when he called that night. He was so kind, so supportive. She loved him so much. So much that she didn't want to cause him all this pain and distress. She clutched at her arms, digging her nails into them until the pain made her stop. She looked down at where blood was now trickling from where she had unintentionally mutilated herself. She hated this person she had become: this weak, pathetic _victim_.

Once again she looked at the razor and this time she reached for it and held it gingerly. She looked at her left wrist and imagined making the cut. Vertically, just to the left. She wouldn't make the amateur mistake of a horizontal cut, which would result in a lot of blood but more than likely no more than a psych consult and a whole lot of embarrassment. She would cut deep and lengthways, striking the artery, not the veins.

There was another knock on the door. She didn't answer.

"Liv," he called out. "Please come out… I'm really worried about you." She heard the catch in his voice. He sounded upset. She suddenly felt awful. What was she doing? Yes, she wished she had been able to protect him from all this, but he had found out and now she was shutting him out, scaring him half to death and it wasn't fair. She couldn't do this to him. She unlocked the door, intending to reassure him that she was OK. She forgot about the razor in her hand.

"Oh my God, Liv," he cried seeing it immediately. He quickly stepped forward, removing it from her hand. "What are you doing?" he asked desperately. His eyes filled with tears. She saw them and her own eyes grew watery too.

"Nothing," she replied weakly. "I just had a shower."

"Liv, you have to talk to me. You can't do this on your own. I want to be here for you. I don't care how many times you need to go over it, but you can't bottle this up. I need you. I need you with me." A tear fell down his face now, followed by another. Olivia was shocked. This was Elliot. One of the toughest men she knew, in tears. She felt beyond terrible for doing this to him.

"I'm so sorry," she said, stepping forward and taking him in her arms, cradling his head against her. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again.

"Stop apologising!" he said gruffly. "Just, please talk to me and… and don't lock yourself in the bathroom again! Promise me!"

"I won't," she promised. She started crying now. He raised his head and took her in his arms and kissed her on her lips. They were both still crying and they could taste each others tears.

He pulled himself away slightly. "We're going to get through this," he said firmly. "I know it's unimaginably hard right now, but I promise with time, it will get better." She nodded. "You can't give up, Liv. I love you."

"I won't," she said and she meant it now. "I love you too."

"Come on," he said and he led her to the bed. They lay down, wrapped in each others arms. He gently stroked her arm. "You're really warm," he said. "You should take some Tylenol."

"OK," she agreed. Elliot stood and fetched the pills they had picked up after they had finished at the hospital and a glass of water and handed them to her. She swallowed them and finished the water. They lay back down.

"What time is it?" she asked. He glanced at his watch.

"3:20" he replied.

"I don't feel sleepy at all."

"Me neither," he said. "We'll be feeling it tomorrow though! We're too old for all-nighters!"

"Speak for yourself!" she chuckled. He grinned back at her.

"What made you pick up the razor?" he asked suddenly.

"Wh…what do you mean?" she asked nervously.

"I mean is there something you're not telling me?" he asked.

"I… I just suddenly got overwhelmed." She replied sadly.

"Tell me, Liv. Tell me what was going on in your mind."

"I'm not sure I know!" she said.

"Stop avoiding my questions," he said. "Look, you're hurting. You're hurting so badly that you contemplated cutting yourself! This isn't the Olivia I know. I want to understand it all. I want to help you."

"I don't think you can," she replied miserably. "I made a terrible mistake."

"What? What mistake?" he asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Showering," she replied. "I shouldn't have washed the evidence away. Now it's too late. He'll always be out there."

"It's not too late to do a rape kit," he replied. Seventy two hours isn't up yet. We can go tomorrow."

"It's pointless," she said. "There's no way there could be any forensic evidence left and it'd just be my word against his."

"They'd believe you. You're a decorated detective!" Elliot replied.

"So is he!" It came out before she realised what she was saying.

Elliot's face fell with the realisation that it had been a fellow police officer. He had been right. It wasn't a random attack, but a personal one, probably planned.

"Who was it, Liv?" he asked, looking straight into her eyes.

"Elliot…" she said, willing him to drop the subject.

"Who is it, Liv? Oh my God. It's that jackass at Pete's that night, isn't it?"

She nodded and his gut clenched in anger. _Him._ He had acted so strange that night. It had to be him. It all made sense now. It was her colleague: someone who was supposed to have her back. No wonder she hadn't felt threatened until it was too late. No wonder she had been in shock and frozen during the attack. No wonder she hadn't been able to face going back into the squad room after the assault, seeing him, reporting it and having everyone scrutinise her and her relationship with that bastard.

"You have to report this, Liv," he said. "He deserves to go away for this. You can't let him get away with it."

"I know," she said. "I know. I messed up."

"No," he replied. "You didn't do anything wrong. Everyone will understand."

"Elliot, there's more. I didn't want to worry you, which is why I didn't tell you, but he walked me home that night after the pub…"

"No, Liv. No, you didn't?" He looked heartbroken at the thought of her with him willingly.

"No Elliot! Of course not! I would never, I mean, we were… well I don't know what we were… but…"

"It's OK," he said. "If I had been man enough to invite you out properly, then there wouldn't have been any confusion."

"You wanted to ask me out?" she said, suddenly smiling at him.

"Of course!" he said, smiling back, a little embarrassed.

"Elliot, nothing happened. Just, he walked me home and must have misread the signals and he tried to kiss me."

"What?"

"I pulled away and basically told him where to go." She looked a little embarrassed. Elliot grinned. This was the feisty Olivia he knew and loved.

"He didn't take it too well," she admitted. "I apologised the next day for inadvertently leading him on," but he was distant and refused to properly accept my apology."

"Arrogant prick must have been holding a grudge all this time," muttered Elliot, realising that he had probably attacked her on some revenge tinged power trip. It was no doubt all about gaining back the upper hand: a need to retake control.

"It was his last day," she continued. "Cragen had persuaded him to transfer out. He wasn't cut out for special victims."

_No shit!_ thought Elliot.

"And he decided as a leaving present he would carry out some kind of sick revenge attack on you to boost his ego?" Elliot snarled.

"I guess so," she replied.

"I wish I could get my hands on that bastard!" Elliot said, releasing his hold on her.

"Elliot," she warned, placing a hand on his arm.

"It's OK," he said. "I'm just furious for you." He put his arms back around her again.

"He knows were I live, El," she whispered. "I was terrified he'd come back that night."

"Oh honey, a creep like that, he has probably skulked off, into the shadows somewhere. He'll be laying low. He's probably shitting himself over whether you've reported it or not."

"I can't stand the thought of seeing him again," she said. "I don't think I could."

"You won't have to," he said. "I will make sure of it.

"I don't know what to do, El. Is there really any point reporting it now? I mean, if I have to go through the humiliation of having everyone know all the sordid details about what happened and a trial and everything and then he got off, I don't think I could handle it."

"I can't make any promises, Liv. You know how fucked up the legal system is sometimes. We can go back, report it, see how much evidence comes to light and take it from there."

"I guess," she said.

"Ultimately it's up to you, Liv. I'll support whatever decision you make, but I think you should do this. If you don't you're going to be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life!"

"I think I want to do it," she said slowly.

"Then, tomorrow morning, we'll head back to the city," he said.

"OK," she agreed.

She sighed. The thought of telling Cragen made her want to crawl into a hole and never come out.


	10. Chapter 10: Back to the city

10

Back to the city

October 13

They were woken by Olivia's cell phone. She glanced at it and looked at Elliot, a panicked expression on her face.

"It's Cragen," she said, handing him the phone. "I can't, El. Please, answer it for me." Elliot groggily pressed the answer button, wondering what reaction he would get answering his ex-partner's phone at this time in the morning.

"Hi Cap'n" he said.

"Elliot?" The Captain recognised his voice immediately. Where's Olivia?" he barked.

"She can't speak right now."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Cap, we need to talk. We were planning on coming in later on today actually. It's not really something we should talk about over the phone."

"OK, but I need to talk to Olivia. She needs to hear this from me."

"Captain, I'm sorry. She really can't come to the phone right now. I promise we'll explain later."

"Fine," the Captain said, a little irritated. "How have you been anyway?"

"Pretty good thanks," Elliot replied, "yourself?"

"Been better," the Captain sighed. "Look, I probably shouldn't be saying this to you, but I assume Olivia is there, so you can pass it on and give her some time for it to sink in before she gets here. There was a serious road traffic accident last night involving an automobile belonging to one of her ex-colleagues, Pat Miller. There was a fire. The car is a complete write-off and the driver was pronounced dead at the scene."

Elliot gasped in shock. The bastard was dead? Olivia had a zero chance of justice now. Instead the creep would probably be given a near-celebrity send off, remembered as a police hero, instead of as the true monster he had been.

"We're waiting on the crime scene people and the ME's report to see what more they can tell us about how this happened. I just thought Olivia would want to know. They worked together more than a few times over the last few months."

"Right Captain," replied Elliot. "I'll let her know."

"Thanks Elliot," Cragen replied, slightly surprised at Elliot's obviously cold tone and attitude towards the news of the tragic death of one of their own. What time do you think you'll be in?"

"Well we're in North Kingstown, so it'll probably be early afternoon I would think," replied Elliot.

"Kingstown?" Cragen sighed. "OK, well come straight here as soon as you get back to the city. I'll be waiting," he instructed.

"Will do," confirmed Elliot. Cragen hung up and Elliot handed the phone back to Olivia.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Liv," he said, putting his arm around her. He paused for a second. There was no easy way to tell her, so he just blurted it out. "Apparently Pat Miller was killed in a road accident last night."

"What?" she gasped. "You have to be joking?"

"No. Apparently there was a fire and the vehicle was destroyed. They're still waiting for further details."

"He's dead?"

"Yes."

Olivia was shocked. He was dead? In some ways she was relieved. He couldn't come after her if he was dead, but she had just decided to report her assault and now he had escaped all that? He had cheated justice? It wasn't fair. He had family, a daughter. Everyone would be devastated. How could she go back now and ruin everyone's memory of him by telling them what he had done? He wasn't even there to defend himself. They probably wouldn't even believe her. They would definitely hate her.

"I can't go back now," she said.

"Olivia, I told the Captain we are on our way. He's waiting for us."

"Well un-tell him!" she snapped. She saw a flash of hurt across Elliot's face in reaction to her harsh tones. "I can't go back and report this now," she said more gently. "How can I?"

"Olivia, he doesn't deserve to be remembered as a `good cop tragically killed before his time` - everyone should know what he did to you."

"What about his family? What about his daughter?"

"What about you?"

Olivia was silent.

"What does it matter? He's dead."

"It matters!" he said. "You know it does."

"Fine, it matters, but what's the point now? I wanted him to be brought to justice mainly because I was terrified of him coming after me. He can't now. It's over."

"Look, I still think we should head back to the city and talk to Cragen. If you decide not to make an official report, then that's OK, but you're going to need some decent time off and Cragen should know what you're dealing with. He'll understand Liv."

"I hate this," she said.

"I know, but it's going to be OK."

"Fine, let's go," she said reluctantly. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's just gone 8:30am," Elliot replied.

"So much for a lie-in!" she griped. Elliot chuckled.

"I'm going to shave," he said. "You get ready, I won't be long." He went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, but not locking it. He plugged his razor into the socket above the sink and started to move it carefully over his face. He remembered how Olivia had opened the bathroom door to him just a few hours earlier, her hair bedraggled after her shower, a vacant expression on her face, her mournful eyes refusing to properly meet his gaze and then the razor in her hand. It had shaken him to the core. It was part of the reason he wanted to take her back to the city and get her talking about it. He intended to have a word with the captain and get him to help convince her to start therapy immediately. Seeing her there on the brink of serious self-harm, had rammed home to him that just loving her and holding her wouldn't be enough. She plainly needed more help than he was able to give and he was going to make sure she got it. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't.

He finished up shaving and turned off the razor. He ran a comb through his hair, which incidentally he kept slightly longer now than he had before, then he splashed some water on his face. Then he came out. Olivia was sitting on the bed, fully dressed now and waiting. He went over to her.

"I'm finished," he said. "Do you need to use the bathroom before we leave?" She nodded. Elliot waited nervously for the three or four minutes she was in there, despite being secure in the knowledge that he had removed the offending razor. His heart-rate slowed only when she re-appeared.

"What's wrong?" she asked as she stepped out and saw him looking anxious.

"Nothing," he replied, grabbing both of their bags. "Come on, let's get going."

She didn't reply. She just followed him silently as they left the room and made their way down to the car.

The journey back home was uneventful. Traffic was relatively light. They didn't talk much. Olivia spent most of the journey staring out of the window. Elliot concentrated on the road. Occasionally they would speak, but the topic of conversation remained light. Neither of them mentioned the fact that they were on their way to tell Cragen the devastating news that Olivia had been assaulted and raped in his own precinct house. They both knew he would be more than upset as he cared deeply about Olivia. It would be hard to spend so many years working closely with anyone without developing strong bonds. Their little team was like a small family. It was for this reason that Elliot leaving had hit them all hard, not only Olivia.

Elliot didn't regret for one second leaving the SVU or even the police force, but he did miss the team, the camaraderie, the friendships, the banter and joking in the office and the feeling that he was part of something good. They were all trying to make the world that little bit safer. Even so, Elliot was under no disillusions that it was Olivia who he missed the most. No longer being able to see her every day had been hard. Luckily once they had got back in contact, she had somehow forgiven him and she had seemed at ease with him contacting her more and more. He had looked forward to the time they spent together, just the two of them. It had made life bearable as he had recognised that his and Kathy's relationship was truly over and he had struggled through the divorce and the heartbreak of effectively becoming a part-time Dad to little Eli.

Elliot sighed. He missed his children. Of course the older four were effectively grown up now and were living their own lives. It was amazing how fast it all went. Sometimes he could hardly believe he was a father to five children. Life had just happened and suddenly he had found himself here, divorced, aware that the one person who had kept his hope for the future alive was sitting beside him and that he had taken so long to admit his feelings to himself that he had wasted years. He briefly wondered if had he told her before and they had become a couple earlier, maybe their lives would have taken a completely different track and maybe her attack might never have even happened. He wished so badly that was the case.

The familiar landscape of the city was approaching. It wouldn't be long now before they arrived at the precinct. Elliot glanced at the clock. It was only 12:30pm, much earlier than he had thought.

"Do you want to get a coffee and a sandwich before we go and see Cragen?" he asked Olivia, thinking she might be glad of the time to gather herself before the inevitable meeting.

"OK," she agreed. He stopped at the next Starbucks drive-through and they ordered some coffee and a chicken and vegetable sandwich each. He then pulled up into a spare parking space and released both of their seat belts.

"Come here," he said, giving her a hug.

"What's this for?" she asked, surprised.

"Do I need a reason?" he asked.

"No," she said.

Elliot kissed her on the forehead. "I just thought you could do with a hug," he said. "I know this isn't going to be easy."

"Elliot, I don't know if I can do it."

"You can, Liv."

"I mean, go up there."

Then Elliot understood. She didn't want to face returning to the place where the attack had occurred. That made total sense.

"I'll ring Cragen," he said. "I'll get him to meet us somewhere."

"No. I'm going to do it," she said suddenly sounding resolute.

"But Olivia…"

"How will I be able to convince him I can still do my job if I can't even go inside the precinct?"

"Liv, it's been two days. Come on. Give yourself some time. Why do you push yourself so much? No one is going to think badly of you if you admit that you're going through a trauma and need some help."

"It's not that, I just hate the thought of that bastard controlling my life."

"He isn't. You are controlling your own life and you are choosing to protect yourself and not make things worse than they need to be, just to try and prove something to everyone. You are only human Olivia. Do yourself a favour and admit that to yourself!"

His harsh words stung. She tried to pull away.

"No, Liv!" he said, holding her to him. "Don't pull yourself away from me. I'm telling you this because I care about you, not because I'm trying to upset you or just to be mean or something."

She stopped struggling. "I know." She sighed. "You're probably right, but Cragen is a busy man and I really do think I can handle this. Please. I want to go up. I want to work through this. I don't want to be scared, El."

"OK," he agreed. "We'll go up. On one condition! You take a minimum of three months leave."

"Three months? That's ridiculous!"

"No it isn't Liv. You were standing with a razor in your hand just a few hours ago! Come on, this is your life. I want you to take enough time to heal properly and get through this. Besides, having you all to myself for three months, has been my secret fantasy since forever!" He was grinning as he said it.

"Elliot!" she scolded, although the corners of her mouth betrayed her true feelings. Three months alone with Elliot did sound appealing. "How can you possibly afford to take three months off anyway?"

"Well…" he said, hesitating. "I was actually kind of hoping we could shack up together. It would halve our living costs. I think it would be doable."

"You're crazy!" she laughed, flattered, but a little nervous at the idea.

"Liv, I'm serious about the three month leave thing, whatever we decide to do."

"Fine," she said. "I'm going to go crazy though doing nothing for three months.

"You won't be doing "nothing"!" he said as he leant down to kiss her again. "You'll be with me!"


	11. Chapter 11: Telling Cragen

11

Telling Cragen

October 13

The elevator doors opened. Olivia hesitated and took a deep breath. Elliot placed his hand on her arm supportively and she welcomed his touch. She suddenly felt light-headed and her legs began to feel shaky. Elliot, observant as ever, immediately placed his arm around her, supporting her as they stepped out of the elevator. She immediately regained her composure and shook him off.

"Elliot, everyone will see," she whispered, embarrassed.

"I don't care," he replied. "What does it matter what people think?"

"I just…"

"It's OK Liv. I understand." He did. He wished she was less self-conscious about showing her feelings towards him though. Everyone in the precinct knew how much she and Elliot cared for each other. She wasn't fooling anyone, whatever she may think.

Then she surprised him by suddenly placing her hand on his arm, evidently changing her mind and allowing him to support her as they walked through to Cragen's office. There was barely anyone in the office. No one Elliot recognised anyway. He guessed Munch and Fin and the others were out in the field or something. It was probably for the best. They would be beyond intrigued if they saw Elliot walking in with Olivia like this. Even though he was more preoccupied with offering Olivia support than anything else, he did understand why she had no wish to become the main subject of the precinct gossip mill.

They knocked on the door and were met with a curt, "Come in." Slowly, nervously Olivia pushed the door open and she stepped inside with Elliot immediately behind her, one arm placed supportively on her back. Cragen was seated behind his desk, a mountain of paperwork in front of him and a frown on his face.

"Oh you're here already!" he said, waving at them as an invitation to sit down. Olivia gladly sank into the chair, relieved that she no longer had to concentrate on keeping her legs steady. She looked down at the floor nervously. She had no idea how she was going to start this conversation. Elliot sank into the chair next to her.

Cragen finally seemed to read the atmosphere and realised that something serious had obviously happened. He glanced at Elliot and what he saw in his ex-detective's eyes suddenly sent a wave of anticipation through him. What on earth had happened? It was obviously something serious. He looked at Olivia who had her head lowered. She seemed generally subdued.

"Liv?" he said gently, questioningly.

She looked up and he immediately saw the bruising on her neck, creeping out from above her top.

"What happened?" he asked, a knot forming in his stomach.

Olivia was silent. She couldn't find the right words and was struggling to hold back her tears.

"Elliot?" he asked.

Elliot squeezed Olivia's arm supportively. "Do you want me to tell him?" he asked.

"Tell me what?" Cragen was starting to get impatient. He took a deep breath. Badgering Olivia was not going to help. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware that his approach had subconsciously shifted. He had no doubt that she was not here as a detective today. He was terrified to hear what had happened: he feared the worst now. He had been in this job way too long and had seen way too much. He would recognise that broken expression on her face and the distant pained expression in her eyes anywhere. He wished he could pour himself a drink right now. If ever he had needed one, now was the time. His cravings never truly left him. He hoped he could still control them after hearing what Olivia had to say. He was really fond of her, loved her even, in a fatherly fashion. This couldn't be happening. What was wrong with the world?

"Captain, I," she began. Then she paused, trying to find the words and the courage to say them. "I was raped." She settled for the blunt truth. There was no nice way of putting it anyway. It was a violent assault. No amount of sugar-coating and word-play would take away the fact that she had been pinned against a wall and violated at knife point, all the while convinced she was about to die. Olivia leant forward burying her head in her hands. She hated telling him. She knew how upset he would be. She hated being the cause of his distress and she couldn't look at him now.

"Oh, Liv…" It was all that the Captain was able to say. He had been imagining the worst, but he hadn't expected to actually hear such terrible words from her mouth. It was devastating.

"Captain, there's more," Elliot said. "It happened here, on Friday night, in the crib."

"Here?" repeated the Captain incredulous. How was that even possible?

"She knew him, Captain. It was Pat Miller."

"What?" the shock on the Captain's face was indescribable: a mix of horror, disbelief, sadness, repulsion, even a slight hint of guilt. This was his department after all. He was responsible for his staff and their safety and if what Elliot was saying was true he had failed one of his detectives miserably. This news certainly explained Elliot's cold reaction to Pat's death on the phone. To think he had been mourning the man and all the while the bastard had done this to Olivia. He was truly repulsed. It was inconceivable.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" asked the Captain, his voice almost breaking with grief. He was drowning under the weight of what he'd just been told.

"I was in shock," said Olivia, finding her voice. "I couldn't face seeing anyone. I went straight home and… and I showered."

The Captain looked at her then, realising what she was telling him.

"Oh Liv," he said wretchedly. "I am so sorry. I am so… so sorry. I…"

"Captain," she said, staring in alarm at her Captain. He was clearly devastated. Was he blaming himself? "It wasn't your fault, Captain!"

"I must take at least some responsibility in this Olivia," he said sadly. "I'm responsible for your safety and you were assaulted virtually a stone's throw from my office. There is no way I can ever…" he paused. Then he changed direction. "Look, you are now officially on leave, fully-paid. You take as long as you need and… and if you decide not to come back, I completely understand and you will receive the full pension, the works."

"I was just going to ask for three months," said Olivia quietly.

"You take as many months as you need!" Part of him was surprised at how easy that had been. Olivia Benson, who had to be forced to take a single sick day, had just asked for three months? It just proved how traumatic this whole situation was for her. Even after Seal View she hadn't wanted to take any time off.

"Thanks Captain," she replied.

"I want you to make a full report," he said. "Did you go to the hospital? Do you have any record of the attack? I know criminal proceedings can't be brought against him now he's deceased, but we are still going to do everything we can to prove this case internally."

"He's dead Captain. There really isn't any need."

"Of course there is Olivia. People need to know what he did to you and you deserve to be compensated. You have more chance of that if you make it official.

"I don't care about money, Captain. I'm just relieved he's no longer out there."

The Captain stepped out from behind his desk and moved towards her. He took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry I failed you Olivia," he murmured.

"You didn't Captain. You couldn't," she replied.

"Yes I did," he replied. "I promise you we'll be making changes around here. I won't allow anything like this to happen ever again. I'll make some calls to security and see what preventative measures we can take and I'll order a thorough investigation to find out how on earth that… that sorry excuse for a man managed to attack one of my finest officers, just feet from us all."

Despite the seriousness of the topic, Olivia couldn't help but feel pleased at his compliment.

"Look, Liv, you go and clear your desk. I will personally come round to your place to take your official statement tonight. I'm sure the last place you want to be right now is here."

"Thanks Captain," she said appreciating his consideration.

"What do you want me to do regarding letting the team know?" he asked.

"You can tell them," she sighed. "I can't face it. Tell them I am fine, but that I just need some time before I see everyone."

"Understood," replied the Captain. "They're going to be worried about you, Liv."

"I know," she said. Once again she hated that she was the cause of all this. "I'll talk to them in time. I'm not ready yet. I'm going to get my things." She handed him her gun and badge.

"Elliot, can I have a brief word?" asked the Captain.

"Will you be all right, Liv?" asked Elliot.

She nodded and left the office, her head held high. Elliot felt bad about letting her out of his sight, but the truth was he wanted a word with the Captain alone.

"When did she tell you?" asked the Captain after she had closed the door behind her.

"Right after it happened," Elliot replied. "We had plans on Friday and I rang her to arrange to meet up and she answered and I knew right away something was wrong, so I went straight over to her place and she told me after I noticed the bruising on her neck and forehead.

"I'm glad you're here for her Elliot. Look after her, won't you. You know what she's like. She'll try and pretend everything is fine."

"I know Captain."

"Call me Don, Elliot. I'm no longer your boss."

"OK, Don," he said, feeling awkward as he tested it out for the first time. "You know, I'm actually really worried about her. This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I was hoping you could help and encourage her to get some help ASAP." Cragen looked at Elliot sharply. His tone told him that he wasn't messing around.

"I'll order her into counselling or therapy or something tonight," replied Cragen. "Maybe I should bring someone with me. I wonder if I can get hold of Huang tonight. He's back in New York, you know."

"She'll be furious," said Elliot nervously, "but she needs help. I…. I pulled a razor out of her hand last night." He watched as Cragen's eyes widened in shock. "I'm really worried about her," Elliot repeated.

"Do you think she's at serious risk for…?" Cragen asked. He didn't want to say the words.

"I don't know. I don't think so. I spoke to her. She promised me she isn't going to do anything like that. It's just she's trying so hard to put on a brave face, pretend she can deal with this. She refuses to let me out of sight, or even out of her grasp at times and at the same time she hates being so dependent. She's just all over the place at the moment. This is huge. It's like that bastard has taken away everything that makes her her: her independence, her strength and her sense of who she is. She's reeling. She was terrified he was going to come back for her until your phone call this morning. I'm not even sure yet how the news of his death has sunken in. Despite the fact she's obviously relieved he's no longer a threat, it's taken away her chance at getting justice and I'm not sure what impact that will have. I think she'll get through it eventually. She's strong, we both know that, but it's going to take time. She was talking about coming back to work after just a few weeks, but I insisted she take a minimum of three months off and for once she listened to me and agreed. "

"OK, understood." Cragen sighed. "There's no way I'd have allowed her back after just a couple of weeks anyway!" he added.

"Yeah, I figured that." Elliot grinned.

"I'll see what I can do. If Huang is unavailable, I'll get someone else."

"Thanks Cap…. Don."

"No problem. I'll see you guys in a couple of hours. I just need to finish a few things up here first and of course try and get hold of Huang or someone else."

"OK. See you later then."

"Elliot, keep an eye on her until we can get her evaluated, ok?"

"I will." Elliot knew he meant to make sure she had no opportunity to get near any razors or suchlike again.

"Hang in there Elliot. And thanks. I'm glad you're here for her through this."

Elliot nodded, then left the office and went over to where Olivia was almost finished emptying out her locker. She shoved the last of her things into her bag and then she turned to Elliot. "Let's go," she said. Elliot looked at her. She looked absolutely drained. He was feeling pretty beat himself. It had been exhausting. He was glad it was over for now, even though he knew there was still more to come this evening.

"Come on," he said, putting his arm around her and leading her out. She didn't even flinch this time, but gladly accepted his arm.


	12. Chapter 12: Rollercoaster

12

Rollercoaster

October 13

Olivia opened the door to her apartment and led the way inside. Elliot followed immediately behind her and watched sympathetically as she bolted the door carefully, double checking the locks before latching the chain. He was very aware she wasn't usually as diligent as this and it was a prominent reminder of just how much the assault had affected her.

"I need to use the bathroom," she said wearily, turning to head in that direction.

"Wait a minute, Liv," he said quickly. He stepped ahead of her reaching the bathroom first and he quickly and obviously swept the room, removing the only razor he could find.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked furiously as he stepped out.

"Liv, I just don't want to take any risks," he said.

"You're an arsehole!" she said slipping inside the bathroom and slamming the door behind her. She couldn't believe how patronising that man was.

"I know," he called out, "but it's only because I care about you, Liv."

He felt really guilty about what he had just done. He was probably completely over-reacting. She had promised him she wasn't going to do anything like that and he should have trusted her. He reached into his pocket for his cell phone. It wasn't there. He must have left it in the car. It would only take two minutes to run down and fetch it. He didn't want to leave Olivia alone, but two minutes was no time. She probably wouldn't even notice he was gone and in some weird way it would be like he was proving to her that he trusted her, after effectively just showing her he didn't.

Liv lifted the toilet seat and sat down mortified. Did he really think she was going to slip in here and cut her wrists now, with him waiting outside? She sighed. She supposed she couldn't really blame him. He had walked in on her holding the razor just that very morning. This morning already felt like it was a lifetime away though. She liked to think she wouldn't have done anything, but when she thought about it she really wasn't sure. If he hadn't have knocked, would she have actually gone ahead and cut herself? The thought made her feel nauseous. She knew she didn't really want to die. All she wanted was for the nightmare to end and the pain she currently felt to go. She felt like she had lost all control over her life.

Her anger suddenly dissipated and was instantly replaced with despair. Elliot was a good man and he was looking out for her. She truly didn't deserve him. She stood up, flushed the toilet and washed her hands. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. The bruising on her neck seemed even more pronounced than it had been the day before. She raised her hand and ran her fingers over the bruise. It was still sore to the touch. She splashed some water on her face. It felt good. She reached for her hairbrush and brushed her hair slowly and carefully, avoiding the part she had injured. Now there was nothing left she could do to further procrastinate, so she took a deep breath and unlocked the door.

She was surprised to see that Elliot was nowhere in sight. She had been expecting him to be waiting outside the bathroom for her. Where could he be? She wandered into the bedroom but he wasn't there either. She suddenly felt a wave of panic hit her. She half-ran into the living area. Then she stopped as she heard the sound of someone outside the front door, which she also noticed was now unbolted and unchained. Was it him? Was it a burglar? Was it another rapist? She barely registered that she was shaking. She backed up away from the door, her hand automatically going straight to where her weapon would normally be, except she had handed it over to Cragen earlier. Her panic level seemed to go up a notch as she realised she was unarmed _and helpless_. She stumbled slightly as she hit the table behind her, adding another bruise to her collection, this time on her thigh. The door to her apartment started to open now. She froze; the panic and fear were overwhelming. Her heart was pounding.

Elliot walked in.

"Elliot?" He saw her and immediately walked towards her. She looked absolutely terrified. She stepped quickly towards him, then she suddenly launched at him.

"You scared the shit out of me!" she cried, pummelling at him with her fists. He grabbed her hands to try and stop her attack, but not before she had managed to land two or three punches on his chest and arms. She was strong, but he was stronger.

"Olivia!" he said firmly, trying desperately to fend off her attempt to wrench her arms free and hit him again. "Olivia! Stop it!"

She looked him straight in the eyes and stopped in her tracks. She was shocked at how suddenly her anger had completely enveloped her. What was she doing? She was horrified. She stepped back, stumbling. Elliot reached out and caught her arms, steadying her.

"I…I...I'm sorry," she whispered desolately. "I don't know what came over me."

"It's OK," he soothed, taking her in his arms and holding her to him. "I'm sorry I scared you. It's OK. I should have told you I was just popping out to the car. I left my cell phone there. I thought I would be back by the time you got out of the bathroom. " He rubbed her back gently, trying to comfort her. She started crying. It seemed he couldn't make any right decisions tonight.

"I'm so sorry…" she repeated desperately.

"Liv, it's OK. Come over here, let's sit down." He led her to the sofa. She clung to him so tightly, he was certain his arms would be black and blue the next day. She was distraught. Her whole body was now racking with sobs and she was shaking.

"It's OK, let it out, Liv. Let it out sweetheart," he said. He hated seeing her like this. He felt completely out of his depth. Olivia was usually the one who was so good at dealing with the victims. He held her tightly, not knowing if he was being any comfort at all, but hoping he was. Her anguish was completely ripping him apart. He wished he could take it all away, make the last few days completely disappear. Watching her go through this rollercoaster of emotions was so unimaginably hard. He felt completely helpless. All he could do was hold her while she cried and whisper over and over again that she was going to be OK. It didn't seem to be anywhere near enough. He wondered when the Captain would arrive. He really wanted Huang or somebody else's advice with how to deal with this.

Her sobs eventually subsided. Her body was still heaving intermittently as the impact of her outburst waned. Her tight grip on his arms loosened slightly and she moved her head slightly to the side so that it was resting just below his shoulder.

"Liv," he whispered. "You believe me when I say I love you, don't you?"

"I… I want to," she said, "I just don't know how you can. Look at me."

"I am. You're beautiful." He stroked her hair as he spoke.

"I'm a mess."

"Yes you are," he said honestly. "But anyone would be after what you've been through."

"I don't understand," she said.

"What? What don't you understand?"

"Why this is affecting me so much. I've seen cases that were so much worse over the years."

"But this happened to you, Liv, not someone else. There's no comparison."

"But I thought I would be… stronger." Her voice was barely audible now. "I feel like I should know how to cope better or something."

"Olivia, you are coping."

"No, I'm not. Look at me. How many times are you going to hold me while I cry like a baby in your arms?"

"As many times as you need to," he replied firmly. "This is how you are coping. You are facing it Liv, letting your feelings out, talking about it, crying, shouting… and punching," he added with a teasing grin. He thought of the bruises forming on his arm and chest as he said it.

"You don't deserve this, Elliot." She ran her fingers over his chest as she spoke.

"Neither do you," he replied.

"But…"

"No, Liv. I love you and I will be here by your side through every nightmare, every tear and every breakdown. I know it's going to take time, but I'm going to be here for you every single step of the way. You're going to get through this. It's all going to be OK."

She looked up at him, the emptiness in her expression infiltrated by something else now: with gratitude and with a deep and growing love. She knew without a doubt that she loved this man more deeply than she had ever loved anyone before. It was more than just physical attraction, or simple desire. It ran deeper than anything she had ever known. The strength of her feelings shocked her. She never wanted to let him go. She was suddenly filled with a tinge of hope, as she briefly entertained the idea that somewhere in the future there might be a place where the two of them existed without the horror of what had happened to her hanging over her. Maybe there was a chance she would be happy again, one day?

They snuggled together on the sofa for a while. Olivia craved his touch. She imagined him kissing her again, his hands gliding over her body, cupping her breasts, exploring her skin with his hands and mouth, their naked bodies entwined as one, but the reality was she was so exhausted she could barely move. She wished he would make the move and kiss her, but he didn't. He held her tightly though and Olivia was happy to take whatever contact he was willing to give.

"Do we have to do it tonight?" she asked, referring to Cragen's visit. "I'm so tired El. I just want to stay here like this with you."

"I think we should, Liv," he replied. "It's better while it's still fresh in your mind, plus if we get it done tonight, it'll be over and done with."

"I guess…" she said reluctantly.

"Do you want a coffee or something?" he asked.

"No," she replied. She just wanted him to stay holding her, like this, preferably forever. Maybe he wanted one though? She decided she was being selfish. "On second thoughts, maybe I will," she added. She stood up.

"Liv!" he said sternly. "Sit down, for goodness sake! Let me get you a damned cup of coffee!" Seeing her startled expression, he grinned at her.

"Fine," she agreed, smiling a little. She watched him disappear into the kitchen. Not quite ready to let him out of her sight, she went after him watching him.

"The whole point of me making it is so that you can sit and rest you silly thing," he chuckled, stepping towards her and giving her a quick peck on her cheek.

"Just checking you do it properly!" she teased. She grinned at Elliot's feigned indignant expression.

"Now you are just asking for trouble!" he warned and he suddenly grabbed her round the waist and tickled her.

"I surrender! I surrender!" she cried, trying unsuccessfully to wriggle away, laughing out loud. Elliot removed his hands and placed them on each side of her face.

"I love you," he mouthed at her. Then before she could reply, he grasped her shoulders, spun her round and gently nudged her in the direction of the living room. "Now go and sit down and stop getting under my feet!" he said sternly. There was a twinkle in his eye though.

"Fine," she said, chuckling. She went over to the sofa and reached for the TV remote.

Elliot quickly proceeded to make the coffee and brought it over to her.

"Let me know if it meets with your approval," he said.

She took a small sip. "It's perfect," she said. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." He sat down beside her, sipping from his own mug.

He was interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Elliot? It's me, Don Cragen. We're outside. Is it OK if we come up now?"

Elliot placed his hand over the mouth piece. "It's the Cap," he told Olivia. "They're outside now. He wants to know if it's OK for them to come up."

"Them?" she asked. Elliot shrugged. She nodded.

He removed his hand and told the Captain to come on up.

"Who else is here?" she asked once he had hung up.

"I'm not sure," replied Elliot. "He mentioned maybe bringing Huang, but wasn't sure if he'd be available."

"Huang?" she stuttered. Her tone said it all. The last thing she wanted was to be psychoanalysed, especially after a long and exhausting day like this. "Elliot, I don't have the energy for this. Please." She was begging now. "Make them leave quickly."

"Liv, I think you need to talk to someone who knows how to help you better."

"Elliot, you are helping me!" She looked at him pleadingly. "If I didn't have you, I don't know what I'd have done. Please, I don't need a psych consult. I just need time."

"Look, just talk with him tonight and see what he has to say. It won't hurt. Do it for me."

The doorbell rang.

"Don't really have much choice now, do I, since they're here!" she grumbled.

"I'm sorry," he told her. He stood and went to answer the door.

Cragen stepped inside, followed by Huang and Elliot breathed a silent sigh of relief.


	13. Chapter 13: Risk assessment

13

Risk assessment

October 13

"Evening Olivia," he said smiling at her. Olivia greeted him back eyeing him suspiciously. She had absolutely nothing against George Huang as a person, liked him even, but it was his capacity here right now as a psychologist that made her nervous. The thought of opening up and revealing her private thoughts and emotional state to be judged by someone else scared the hell out of her. Mainly she was terrified of being told she wasn't reacting or coping "normally" or "well". It would feel like a failure on her part if she couldn't show everyone how strong she was and that she could get through this.

Of course another huge concern was that the actual details of the rape were so personal and she didn't want her friends and colleagues picturing it vividly in their minds. She also didn't want overt sympathy or to be treated differently. She had spent much of her career trying to prove that she was just as tough as any man in the job and she didn't want everyone she worked with seeing her any differently now just because of what had happened. She liked her tough image. She was proud of it.

She invited her Captain and Huang to sit down and they chose an armchair each. She perched on the sofa. Elliot offered to make them some fresh coffee. Olivia smiled at him gratefully. The quicker they got the coffee out of the way, the quicker they could leave. Or at least she hoped that would be the case.

"So how are you holding up Olivia?" Huang asked. She was surprised how quickly he had come straight to the point. Perhaps this wouldn't take long after all?

"Good thanks," she replied automatically. Then she glanced across at Elliot in the kitchen, knowing that he was listening in. "Well you know, as good as can be expected," she added. "What does that mean anyway? Is there a rule for how I'm supposed to be right now?"

"No, there isn't," Huang replied, flashing his infuriating smile. Olivia sighed. She was too tired for this. She wished again they would just leave, now.

"Look, can we do this another time?" she asked suddenly. "I'm tired."

"We can do the statement tomorrow if you like," offered Cragen, taking in her genuinely fatigued expression and the shadows under her eyes. "But I want you to talk to Huang for a bit tonight."

Olivia didn't reply. She looked down at her hands in her lap. Where was Elliot with that coffee? She suddenly wished he was here beside her. Huang sitting there staring at her was reminding her of it all and the last thing she wanted was to break down and have another crying spell, this time in front of her boss. She knew she was near to tears now, mostly with the frustration of feeling out of control of yet another situation. She concentrated hard on trying to fight them off.

Elliot finally brought the coffee over. After he had handed their visitors their cups, he sat down beside her and put his hand on her knee protectively. He knew her well enough to know that she was struggling for control right now. He noticed the brief flash of surprise on Huang's face when he saw the intimate touch and realised the meaning behind it, but Huang was a professional and he quickly covered up his immediate reaction. He watched with interest though as Olivia seemed to visibly relax with Elliot's touch. She now raised her head, already showing more confidence. He had always known that both Olivia and Elliot had strong feelings for each other. The precinct janitor was probably aware of that much. What surprised him though was the public display of affection. He suspected these two had moved their relationship forward several notches. He was glad. Olivia needed someone right now.

"Olivia, I know you're tired tonight, but I just want to talk to you a little bit about what happened in the hotel room this morning." Now she turned and looked at Elliot accusingly. Elliot read her thoughts immediately. _You told them that?_ The betrayal she felt shone in her eyes. Elliot felt terrible, but at the same time he couldn't risk just leaving it. It wasn't just the incident in the hotel either. He remembered their conversation on the beach. That meant two occasions. It was serious and he couldn't ignore it.

"Olivia," he said. "I'm sorry, but I am really worried about you and I am not going to take any risks. I can't lose you!"

"I was upset!" she said. "That's all." She looked down at her knees. Elliot could see and feel her tense up.

"Do you think about suicide sometimes Olivia?" Once again, Huang was direct and to the point.

"No!" she replied indignantly. "I mean, I don't really want to die, but… sometimes I just feel… that it would be good to no longer feel anything." Elliot grasped her hand now. He was finding it extremely hard to hear her words, but he was glad she was talking.

"I understand that Olivia," said Huang. "It's a common reaction."

She sighed. _A common reaction?_ She was just like everyone else? _A victim. _She hated that word. She much preferred the term "rape survivor" but she couldn't in all honesty call herself that yet, as she didn't feel she was anywhere close to getting through this. She hadn't survived anything yet. She was just standing at the bottom of a huge crevasse, with no idea how to climb up and out again. Her only comfort was that she wasn't alone down there. Elliot was with her.

"Have you thought about how you would do it?" Huang continued. He wanted to assess the risk and there was a list of set questions that he wanted to run through.

"No! I mean, not seriously. I briefly imagined using the razor, but only because it was there in front of me. But I'm telling you, I was just upset. I woke from a nightmare and I was disorientated and I just saw the razor and thought about it, but Elliot knocked on the door and even before he did, I knew I couldn't do it. I don't have any plans to kill myself. I couldn't, I wouldn't do that to Elliot."

She looked straight at Elliot now. She saw he had tears in his eyes. She felt awful for worrying him so much. "I'm so sorry El," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you. Please believe me! I promise I won't do anything like that."

"It's OK, Liv. I believe you. I just want you to tell me when you feel that low again and let me help you," he said.

"I will, I promise," she said. She had tears in her eyes again. A few escaped and ran down her cheeks. He put his arms around her and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back.

"You know," said Huang, watching the pair clinging on to each other. "I know you're tired Olivia. I think we can continue this tomorrow."

"That would be good," she said gratefully, looking up and pulling herself away from Elliot. Huang and Cragen finished their coffee quickly and they stood to leave. Elliot followed them out into the hallway. Olivia watched him leave and felt mildly irritated at the thought of them talking about her behind her back, but she was mainly just relieved they were leaving. She just wanted to be alone with Elliot.

"Thanks for coming," Elliot said to Huang after he had closed the door to her apartment behind him, so that they could talk in privacy. Cragen was hanging back slightly but listening intently.

"No problem," Huang replied. "I don't think she's a high suicide risk at the moment. Of course keep an eye on her and if she gets particularly distressed then let me know. She cares about you very much though. That much is obvious and I believe her that she would never do anything deliberately to hurt you. We'll watch her carefully over the next few days and weeks. If necessary I can prescribe something to help her through the worst of this. I will talk to her tomorrow."

"She's just all over the place," said Elliot. Before you came she went through the whole spectrum of emotions. One minute she was punching me, the next she was in floods of tears, the next she was joking like everything was normal."

"It's totally normal," sympathised Huang. "I know this is hard Elliot, but you being here for her, is helping her immensely. Were you not around, I would be more worried to be honest. I can already see a huge difference with how she is dealing with this compared to how she dealt with other traumatic events in the past. She's opening up to you, talking about it. She's going to be changed forever, but I do believe that she will get through this and come out the other side."

"I hope so."

"You know I don't need to tell you about the phenomenon of secondary victims in rape cases, but please don't dismiss your own feelings in all this, Elliot. You need to deal with it all too. I am available to talk to if you need to."

"Thanks." Elliot said politely. "I'm OK though. She needs me close right now, but when things have settled down a bit, I will talk to someone, I promise."

"OK," said Huang, his concern apparent in his expression. "Well, have a good evening and we`ll see you tomorrow."

"Yes, see you tomorrow," said Cragen. "Any time is fine."

"OK. I imagine it will be late morning," replied Elliot. "I'll ring before we head in. Goodnight!"

The Captain and Huang said their goodbyes and left and Elliot went back inside.

She was curled up on the sofa, with her legs tucked under her.

"So what was the diagnosis?" she asked sarcastically as he came across the room and sat down beside her.

"Liv, it's not like that. No one thinks you're crazy. We're all just worried about you and want to make sure you're OK."

"I'm fine Elliot. I don't need home visits by the resident psychotherapist. He should stick to analysing the sick bastards out there who are probably evading arrest right now due to him wasting his time on me."

"I wish you would just drop the tough cop act!" said Elliot suddenly, raising his voice slightly with his frustration. "You were viciously assaulted and raped, Olivia! You don't have to pretend everything is all right! No one expects you to be!"

"I know that! I was freaking there when it happened. I don't need reminding!" She was nearly shouting now. She stood angrily and stormed into her bedroom, slamming her door behind her. He followed her. He wasn't going to allow her to run away from him.

"Get out, would you?" she yelled at him as he opened the door and stepped inside. "I don't need this shit. I am tired!"

"Liv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry with you. I just want to help you."

Her attitude suddenly softened. "I know El. I'm sorry too. I just don't appreciate you inviting people round here like that. I just wanted to be alone: just you and me. "

"I get it. I'm sorry. Please don't be angry with me."

She looked at him. He looked like a sad puppy with its tail between its legs.

"I'm not, you silly thing," she said. "Come here!" He went over to her and she kissed him quickly on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him. He kissed her forehead and they hugged for a few moments before pulling away and sitting down on the bed.

"Well, I guess I got through another day, almost," she said soberly.

"Yes, you did," he agreed, smiling at her. "How are you feeling anyway?" he placed the back of his hand on her forehead. She didn't feel as warm as she had earlier in the day. "I think your fever is down. The antibiotics must be working!"

"Yeah I do feel a little better," she said. "You know, actually I think I'm hungry!"

"Really?" he was pleased to hear her say this. "Are you up for a quick trip to the local grocery store? I will make some dinner. I want you to eat something nutritious!"

"Can you go alone?" she asked. "I fancy a bath anyway."

"You're OK staying here alone?" he asked worriedly. A couple of hours ago she had been close to a panic attack when he had left just for two minutes to pop down to the car.

"Yes. You'll only be twenty minutes. I'll be fine!"

"I don't know," he said. He had to admit to himself the incident earlier had occurred because he hadn't let her know he was going anywhere. Maybe she would be OK?

"Elliot! Seriously, I will be fine, I promise. You can't stay by my side twenty-four seven forever anyway. I will have a bath…. I'll hand over all the razors and the kitchen knives too, if you're worried," she added jokingly.

"Liv, that's not funny," he replied. "Well if you're sure. I will quickly dash to the store. I promise I'll be as fast as I can. Call me if you need me!"

"I will," she said.

He hesitated for a second, then he leaned forward and kissed her again briefly, then he checked his back pocket to make sure he had his phone and wallet and he left. He stood outside her door, listening to her secure the bolt and the chain. Then he headed downstairs, adopting a brisk pace so he would only have to leave her for the shortest time possible. He felt nervous. He had promised Cragen and Huang that he would watch her and here he was leaving her alone. He trusted her. She had promised she wouldn't do anything and she did seem calmer now than she had even an hour ago. Deep down he believed she would be fine. He didn't want to hang about though. He would pick up what he needed as quickly a possible and get back to her side.

It was strange how being apart from her now seemed like the most unnatural thing in the world.


	14. Chapter 14: Revelations

14

Revelations

October 13

Olivia sank into the hot water enjoying the sensation of the water enveloping her tired body. She had found an old box of bath salts that she had been given for her birthday or some other occasion a few years ago and sprinkled some into the bath, wondering if bath salts had an expiration date. She never usually had time for anything more than a brief shower, so had an ageing collection of various bath goods that she had collected over the years. The bath smelled like roses. She wasn't sure if she really cared for salts much really. She closed her eyes and sank under the water, then rose back up and wiped her eyes with her hands. She leaned her head back against the bath… and remembered it again.

Elliot rushed through the store picking up the ingredients he needed plus a few extra things that he thought she might like. He remembered which snacks she enjoyed from back when they were partners, but he knew she had changed her tastes somewhat during the last couple of years, so he bought a variety, hoping that something amongst them would appeal. As he stood in line to pay for the groceries he started to feel impatient. This was taking far too long. He shouldn't have left her. What if she wasn't all right? What if she needed him? He looked at his watch anxiously. He had already been twenty minutes. He grabbed his phone and checked it. There were no calls. He took a deep breath. She would be fine. She was probably still in the bath. Eventually it was his turn. He paid for the groceries and raced back to her apartment as fast as he could.

He nervously knocked on her door, waiting with bated breath until he heard her approach. She opened the door. He stepped inside, placed the shopping bags on the floor and took her into his arms.

"I missed you!" he said fervently.

"You're nuts!" she replied, laughing. "You were gone barely half an hour!" She picked up one of the shopping bags and he took the other and they took them into the kitchen.

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

"Of course," she said smiling at him. This was a side to Elliot she hadn't personally seen all that much of before. She decided she liked it. "So what are you making?"

"Well nothing special," he said. "I got some chicken and some vegetables. Do you prefer rice or potatoes?"

"Anything's fine. I don't know. Maybe rice?"

"Rice it is."

"Do you need some help?" she asked.

"Sure," he said. "You can help me peel the veggies."

Home cooking wasn't something Olivia indulged in very frequently. It was no fun cooking when you lived alone anyway. Cooking together with Elliot was a completely new experience for her. Peeling the vegetables didn't take long. She handed them over to Elliot who had found her cutting board and a vegetable knife. When she glanced over the knife was lying on the board, its shiny silver blade glinting. Olivia stared at it and was immediately transported back to the crib.

_The knife was against her throat. Her heart was racing, her palms were sweaty. He was inside her. Pain seared through her. She felt sick. She couldn't move. _

Then suddenly she was back in the kitchen. She felt Elliot holding her. She heard his voice.

"Liv," he was saying anxiously.

"I'm OK," she managed.

"Was it a flashback?" he asked gently. She nodded. Once again her eyes filled with tears. Just when she had started to enjoy something relatively normal, she had been transported back there, against her will, to relive it yet again.

"It was the knife," she said miserably.

"It's OK, Liv," said Elliot, rubbing her back. He hated this. He hated the fact that there was nothing he could do to ease her pain or stop these cruel flashbacks that were making her relive it over and over. "Just breathe. It's OK."

"I'm OK," she said again. After a pause she spoke. "This is my life now, isn't it?"

"No it isn't!" he said firmly. "It's just so soon. Time heals Liv. I promise it will get better."

"Some women never get over it," she added. "Sometimes some women just can't be helped." It was the tragic truth she had learned over her years with the SVU.

"You're going to get through this, Liv," repeated Elliot firmly. "You will. I know you will."

"You don't deserve this," she said.

"Not that again! Please, stop saying that. I love you. Nothing is going to change that."

"But I'm…"

"No." He placed his finger to her lips. "Don't say a word! I love you, Liv. I always will."

"How can you know that though? What about Kathy? You loved her once."

"I still do, in a way," he said. "Look Liv, you know what happened. We were young. She got pregnant. I did the right thing and made the best of the situation. Of course I loved her, but this thing with you. Well it's different. I'm _in_ love with you."

Olivia was close to tears now. She wished so much he could have told her this before. She had longed to know what it was like to be in his arms, but being in them for this reason was not how she had ever imagined it to be. She wanted him to hold her purely because he loved her, not because he felt sorry for her. She couldn't help but think that had she not been assaulted, he would never be saying any of this to her and she wasn't sure how much of what he was saying she should believe.

"Liv," he said. "On Friday night I was planning on taking you somewhere and telling you."

"Telling me?" she asked.

"Yes. Telling you how I feel about you."

It was like he had read her mind and understood her fears. She was amazed. Had she said what she had been thinking out loud? She was sure she hadn't. Elliot knew her too well.

"You were going to tell me… you loved me?" she asked tentatively.

"Yes, although to be honest I don't know if I would have had the confidence to say those exact words, but I was definitely going to ask you out."

"You were?" She couldn't help repeating it. She was trying to take it all in. Did this mean he loved her anyway? It wasn't just sympathy?

"Yes." He said.

"Elliot," she whispered. "I'm glad you told me this."

"I didn't want you thinking this is all just because of what happened to you."

Tears were streaming down her face now. He pulled her close to him and she held him tightly as she fought to control her emotions.

"I can't believe I'm crying so much," she said. "I never cry!" _Not in front of anyone anyway. _

"It's OK," he soothed. "You cry as much as you like, as much as you need to!"

She suddenly sat upright and fiercely wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm going to get through this," she said suddenly sounding determined. "I'm going to get therapy, counselling, whatever it is I need. I want us to be happy. I'm really going to try, Elliot."

"You're amazing," he whispered, nuzzling into her neck.

"Don't say that," she said, now acutely embarrassed.

"But you are. You need to know that. You're strong, kind, beautiful and you're amazing. That's why I love you."

"You're making me blush now," she said awkwardly. She wasn't used to someone telling her things like this. Sure she'd had her fair share compliments on the lead up to sex before, but she had never been under any disillusions of the purpose behind them. Elliot however seemed to really mean what he was saying and it was disconcerting to say the least.

"I love you too!" she said suddenly, deciding to shift the focus away from herself a little and on to him. He leaned in then and kissed her on the lips gently. She closed her eyes, feeling a tingle of excitement stirring in her stomach and lower down. She opened her eyes when he pulled away.

"Let me finish making dinner," he said. "You go and sit down, watch TV or something. I won't be long now."

"OK," she agreed. He walked her to the sofa and she sat down.

"I want one more kiss though, before you go!" she demanded, with a smile.

He grinned at her and leaned in and kissed her again before returning to the kitchen to finish preparing their meal.

...

"Mmm, this is surprisingly good," Olivia said, raising her hand to her mouth to hide the fact that she was chewing.

"What do you mean `surprisingly`?" asked Elliot, pretending to be hugely insulted. Olivia chuckled.

"So I slave away in the kitchen and all I get is insults?" he continued, pleased that he had made her laugh.

"I was joking," she said, laughing. "You know I was."

He grinned at her. He was enjoying the brief moment of almost normalcy. Their whole relationship had been built almost entirely on banter, friendly teasing and the occasional fight. All the emotional talk earlier had been a whole new experience.

"Well, since you make chicken this good, I will definitely hand over kitchen duties to you," said Olivia.

"Then you get to do the ironing and scrub the toilets then!" he retorted quickly. There was an awkward silence. This conversation implied a lot and it was still early days.

Despite saying she liked the meal she didn't eat much, only a handful of small mouthfuls, before she laid down her cutlery, obviously finished.

"So, I didn't get any dessert specifically," said Elliot eyeing her still almost full plate, "but I did get a few snacks if you want." He hoped she'd get her appetite back soon. She needed to start eating more than this.

"I'm OK for now," she replied. "I insist on doing the washing up though." She stood.

"You don't need to. I've got it under control, he said quickly. "I already washed the pans and so it's only these plates."

"I feel terrible having you do everything though!" she said.

"Don't worry about it. You can repay the favour another night," he said. It appeased her slightly. She sank back down into the sofa.

"Fine, if you insist."

He didn't take long and was soon snuggled up with her again on the sofa. He sat and she lay down, her head in his lap and he stroked her head gently, enjoying the feel of her hair between his fingers. They were absent-mindedly watching the TV.

"How long have you had feelings for me?" she asked suddenly, taking him by surprise. He was too embarrassed to admit that he had been physically attracted to her since the day they had first met. The love he felt for her now though had slowly built over time. It was truly impossible for him to say, for he couldn't single out a particular day when he knew that his feelings had turned from friendship to love, as the change had happened gradually. There was also the fact that he had been in denial for so long. There were moments though, when her life had been threatened or one of them had been injured that his thoughts had turned to her in a way that it was clear just how much she meant to him. He had known for a while that his feelings were strong, too strong. He had tried so hard to bury them for the sake of his marriage and his children. He truly believed that his marriage had ultimately failed due to him and Kathy, not due to his feelings towards Olivia. She was a symptom, not the cause.

"For a while," he answered. He was expecting her to ask him again, to demand specifics, but instead she just closed her eyes, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"Me too," she said. He held her a little tighter.

"I wish we had told each other earlier," he said.

"It wouldn't have been right. Not while you were still married to Kathy." Olivia was sure of this. There was no way she would have wanted to be the cause of the breakdown of their marriage.

"I'm sorry Liv," he said. "I should have left her ages ago. I was just trying so hard to make things right for my children. I see now that mine and Kathy's relationship was over years before we finally ended it."

"What happened, happened, El. We can't change the past."

"I know, but you stood by my side, watched me go back to her and all the time you…."

"El, please, let's not talk about this now."

He looked at her and he realised what an idiot he had been. All these years he had leaned on Olivia, whining about his marital problems, completely oblivious to the fact that she had obviously been in love with him all the while, trying to bury her feelings so that they could continue to work together. Then ultimately he had just upped and left, without a word, abandoning her completely with no explanation. Of course once he had sorted his head out after that awful shooting in the precinct, he had eventually got back in touch with her, apologised for his disappearance and their friendship had continued, but he realised now just how much he must have hurt her.

"Liv, if I could do it all again, things would be so different," he said apologetically.

"Please, El. Don't." She had tears in her eyes again now. His words were hitting home. She had buried her feelings about just how deeply hurt she had been and now it was all threatening to bubble up to the surface. She had enough on her plate dealing with the rape. She didn't need all this additional heartache.

"I just want you to know, I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I promise I'll never hurt you again, Olivia," he said. She couldn't reply. She turned and buried her face in his chest. She couldn't look him in the face right now.

When her tears subsided she raised her head and lifted herself up.

"Are you coming to bed?" she asked.

"Sure," he said and they headed towards the bedroom.


	15. Chapter 15: Shock

15

Shock

October 14

The night had passed relatively uneventfully. Olivia had woken a couple of times but she had been able to fall back to sleep quickly both times. They slept in until 9am and had a leisurely breakfast before they got ready to head in to the precinct again. Elliot rang the captain as he had promised, to let him know they were on their way in. By the time they arrived it was almost lunch time.

As the elevator doors opened, Olivia hoped that everyone would be either busy out in the field again or would have decided to take an early lunch break. There was no such luck though. As soon as she stepped into the room she saw Munch and Fin. They both immediately got to their feet and came towards her. Elliot felt her grip on his hand tighten.

"Liv, it's so good to see you!" Munch made as if to hug her but thought better of it and stood a safe distance away.

"How are you holding up?" Fin asked gruffly. He looked as awkward as Olivia had ever seen him.

"I'm fine guys," she said. "I just came in to give my statement." She knew that Cragen had told them everything.

"You need anything, you let us know!" said Fin. He was fond of Olivia and like Elliot, would be extremely keen on the idea of five minutes alone with the guy who had done this to her. Pat Miller. To think he had worked with him, drunk with him, even gone to the gym with him a couple of times. The thought sent a new surge of anger through him that he struggled to control and hide.

"Thanks Fin," said Olivia. She was embarrassed. She hated that everyone knew. Recognising her discomfort, Elliot ushered her quickly to Cragen's office. They knocked and went inside.

Cragen was seated at his desk, working his way through the constant mountain of paperwork that unrelentingly clouded his days. He stood when they entered.

"How are you Liv?" he asked. "Did you sleep well?"

"Not bad thanks Captain," she replied.

"That's good. Listen, Huang is here. Are you up to talking to him for a bit?"

She nodded.

"OK, well let's have you chat to him first. Then we can do your statement afterwards?"

"OK," she agreed. Both Cragen and Elliot escorted her to the free room which Huang was using as a make-shift office and then they left her alone with Huang so they could talk in private. As soon as they were out of earshot, Cragen turned to Elliot.

"How is she really?" he asked.

"Up and down," replied Elliot. "She told me last night that she wants therapy, counselling: the works. She wants to work through this."

"That's great," said Cragen. "Look Elliot, I need to talk to you."

"What is it, Captain?" Elliot asked curiously.

"In my office," said the Captain, leading the way. Elliot followed him, his mind racing. He drew a blank. He genuinely had no idea what the Captain was about to say.

"Once the door had been closed and Elliot had taken the seat Cragen offered him, the Captain spoke."

"There is something you need to know," he said solemnly. Elliot stared at his former Captain wondering what he was about to reveal. He guessed it was obviously something to do with Olivia. He was a civilian now and so it couldn't really be anything else.

"I've had a disturbing report back from the ME concerning Pat Miller's death," Cragen said slowly. Elliot's heart rate involuntarily started to quicken at the sound of that bastard's name. "It appears there is some question as to whether it was actually him in the car or not," continued Cragen carefully, knowing what impact his words would have.

"What?" Elliot couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Well it is confirmed that it was Pat's car. Due to the fire the body was burned beyond recognition. Since we found the charred remains of Pat's ID, police badge and gun in the glove compartment, we thought we could be pretty certain that it was him. The examination was more of a formality. However, Warner doesn't believe it was him.

"Why?"

"Well you know Warner; she's the most thorough person I have ever met. I told her about what happened to Olivia, hoping that it might speed things along. That is partly why it got bumped up as a priority… Well she got suspicious during the course of the autopsy. The first obvious red flag is that the victim has had an appendectomy. According to Miller's police medical records he has never had his appendix out. She also analysed the contents of his stomach and intestines and believes this man has been eating a South American style diet, which, along with her other general observations makes her suspect that he could be Hispanic, although obviously that's purely conjecture at the moment. She has run the victim's DNA, but of course it will take a minimum of five days for the full results to be back. The preliminary results haven't shown anything unusual. The victim and Miller both have the same blood type. I have a team on their way over to Miller's last known address now to check it out and see if there are any clues as to where he could have headed. We're also searching through missing persons to see if we can find out who this guy we have is. Warner's checking dental records right now. Of course none of this can be confirmed until we get the DNA back.

"Shit!" Elliot placed his head in his hands realising now the impact of what the Captain was saying. If Pat Miller had staged his own death, then he must still be out there. What's more, the implication was that he had murdered some poor bastard in order to pull this off, meaning that they were dealing with a highly dangerous individual. He must have planned all this a while ago. Staging your own death was not something you could do without a huge amount of preparation and careful execution. Assumedly he also had the financial means to carry this out too. He obviously hadn't thought to ask his victim whether he'd had any major surgery which might distinguish him.

When Olivia learned this, all the relief she had felt when she had discovered Pat was dead and no longer a threat would be gone and she'd be back to fearing for her safety and for her life again. They could only assume Pat would have taken on a new identity. Tracking him would be harder than ever. It was devastating. Elliot was terrified this could tip Olivia over the edge. He knew that she had been petrified he would come back after her. The image of her standing there distraught with that razor in her hand wouldn't leave his mind.

"Do you think he's a threat to Liv?" he asked.

"I don't know. I wouldn't want to take any risks. Maybe you guys should get out of the city for a bit?"

"I don't believe this," said Elliot despondently. "This is going to be devastating for her. Who is this guy? Faking his own death!? This is way out of the league of your average rapist? What's his game?"

"I have the guys working on it right now," said the Captain, unable to offer any other reassurance. "We won't stop until we find him Elliot. You know that."

"She's just so… so fragile at the moment. She was talking really positively last night and now this."

Cragen glanced at his former detective, amazed that he had never realised before the extent of just how much he cared for Olivia. Of course he had always known they were close and that there was something there between them, but he hadn't realised just quite how far their feelings went. They had been so wrapped up in the job, all of them.

"We're going to have to tell her," said the Captain, "but I was wondering if you wanted to leave it until we get the DNA back. At the moment much of it is speculation."

"No, I think we need to tell her now. She'll be furious if she finds out we've kept something like this from her. She trusts us. I can't risk losing that trust."

"Understood," agreed the Captain. "I'll tell her after she's finished with Huang.

"OK," said Elliot resignedly. He sighed. He was not looking forward to this at all.

...

Huang accompanied Olivia back to Cragen's office. They had chatted for an hour. He was fairly satisfied that although obviously still reeling right now, she was feeling positive about ultimately working through everything and eventually healing. She had talked a little about Elliot and Huang had realised that Elliot's proximity to her was helping her more than anything else. He was happy they had finally admitted their feelings. Of course he had been observing them for years and knew that they cared deeply for each other.

As soon as they entered Cragen's office Olivia immediately picked up on the sombre atmosphere.

"What is it?" she asked, wondering if she even really wanted to know the answer.

"Liv, we need to talk," said Cragen. "I think you should sit down."

"What is it?" she repeated anxiously, still standing. Elliot stood and went to her side.

"Come on Liv," he said gently. "Sit down."

She refused to sit, but remained standing, wondering what on earth had happened.

Cragen decided to come straight to the point. "It appears that it is likely that the person who died in Pat Miller's car wasn't actually Pat," he said.

Olivia stared at the captain in disbelief. She couldn't be hearing him right.

"We think it was someone else in his car, Liv."

At this point her knees buckled. Elliot's arm was around her immediately, supporting her and helping lower her into the chair.

"Wh… what?" she stammered.

"We think Pat tried to stage his own death," the Captain said.

"But it was his car?" she asked weakly.

"Yes."

"Then who was in it?" she asked.

"We don't know yet. Warner thinks he might be of Hispanic origin.

Olivia closed her eyes. This couldn't be happening. Pat was still alive? He was still out there? He could still come after her? Who was the guy found in his car then? Had Pat killed someone in an attempt to fake his own death? She suddenly felt nauseous. Her head was spinning. She leaned forward, her head on her knees, trying to pull herself together. It was incomprehensible that someone they had worked with for three whole months could have done all these things and none of them had a clue about who he actually was.

"Elliot…" she said shakily. His stomach lurched as he heard the desperation in her voice.

"Take a deep breath," he instructed, his arm rubbing her back gently. "He won't be able to get anywhere near you. You're safe. I promise."

"This isn't happening!" she said quietly shaking her head.

"Olivia, you don't need to worry. The last thing he would do is come anywhere near you now. He knows you'll be surrounded by police officers," Cragen said.

"I don't think he cares!" she said vehemently. "It didn't stop him before! How can this be? You told me he was dead! You told me I was safe now!" She was looking at Elliot as she spoke.

"You are Liv. I won't leave your side!" Elliot was adamant.

"You can't promise you can protect me, El. No one can."

"Liv, don't think that. I do promise you. There is no way he'll ever get anywhere near you again. He's probably miles away by now, in a different state, maybe even a different country, hiding!"

Olivia was barely listening. Huang was watching her with a worried expression on his face. "Olivia," he said. "I think we should leave and go somewhere you feel safe and talk."

"No!" she said firmly. "I'm done talking. I just need to get out of here. I want to go home."

"Liv, you need to make this official." Elliot said. "You need to do the rape kit and make the official report before it's too late. If he's still alive we can find him and bring him to justice."

"Noooo," she moaned. "I just want to go home. Please, Elliot. Take me home."

"Liv, we need to do this," Elliot said. "You are going to regret this if you don't. Remember what you told me in the hotel in Kingstown. You want… you need justice."

Olivia was staring at the floor. She knew what Elliot was saying was true. The thought of going to the hospital again though thoroughly terrified her. She wanted to hide herself away, reduce the risk of him seeing her to as near to zero as possible. She had been stalked before. She knew how determined these sickos could be. Pat could be outside now and no one would know because up until a short while ago everyone had thought he was dead!

"Liv, please, let's go and do it! You need to do this." Elliot was begging her.

"OK," she agreed. "But it had better be quick and then, afterwards, you take me straight home, Elliot Stabler!"

"I promise," he said.

...

The hospital visit was over. Her injuries had all been photographed and recorded and even though the chances of finding any DNA evidence were slim to none, she had allowed another internal examination. At least the lacerations were apparently healing. She was instructed to continue taking the antibiotics for the next few days. Her fever had gone.

When it was finally over, Elliot took her home. Cragen had recorded her statement personally in the hospital, so it was all over for now. Now they just needed to find Pat Miller.

Back in Olivia's apartment, Elliot was struggling to know what to do. She had clammed up and was refusing to speak about anything. She had a harrowed expression on her face and she just sat there on the sofa, clasping her hands, staring at the TV but obviously not hearing or seeing a thing.

He couldn't stand it.

"Olivia!" he said. "We're leaving. We can't stay here. Let's go."

"What?" she said. He had her full attention now.

"You don't feel safe here, do you? We're leaving. Let's go to my place tonight and then we can decide what to do."

"OK," she agreed. It was true. She was terrified he would come here.

Elliot thought sadly back to the time when she had been stalked all those years ago and had been furious when she had found out Elliot had secretly put that detail on her, trying to protect her. Back then she had refused to allow it to affect her everyday life and had carried on bravely doing all the things she had done before, despite the risk, despite deep-down really being afraid. This was different though. She was different now. There was no going back. The fact she had immediately agreed to leave her apartment was not something he could have imagined ever happening before. Once again he felt a surge of hatred towards the man who had taken so much away from her. She didn't deserve to live the rest of her life in fear.

Elliot waited for her to pack some belongings, wondering what the future would hold for them both.


	16. Chapter 16: At Elliot's apartment

16

Elliot's apartment

October 14

Elliot unlocked his door and they went inside. As soon as he stepped in he remembered the state he'd left it in and wished that he'd not let it get quite as bad as this. Of course he hadn't expected to have visitors. He usually went over to Kathy's for the weekends when he had Eli as they both agreed it would be less unsettling for the boy to remain in his own home, with all his toys and familiar things around him. Kathy would mostly go and stay over her new boyfriend's place or stay with a girlfriend while Elliot was there. On a couple of occasions she had hung around, but even though things were relatively amicable between them, it was still awkward. It was easier for both of them if she stayed away. As for Olivia, for some reason they had always hung out at her place never at his.

"Sorry about the mess," he apologised. "I'll clean it up a bit."

"I'll help you," Olivia offered.

"You don't have to do that!"

"It'll give me something to do. I'm getting sick of sitting on the sofa just watching TV anyway."

"Well, if you're sure. Are you up for giving it a once over with the vacuum cleaner?"

"Sure."

They set to work and thirty minutes later the place looked much better. Elliot changed the sheets on his bed and then he started rummaging around in the kitchen putting together a quick pasta sauce with the leftovers from yesterday that he had brought with them from Olivia's. He left it in the pan, ready to reheat later when they were ready to eat. He came back into the living room and saw Olivia was folding up some laundry.

"Thanks," he said awkwardly. It was a strange situation to have his ex-partner there helping him with household chores. He helped fold up the last couple of items and then he went and fetched a couple of soft drinks and invited her to sit with him on the sofa.

"Let me know when you feel hungry," he said and I'll boil the pasta.

"OK," she said absentmindedly. She seemed to be lost in thought. He hoped it wasn't another flashback.

"Can you believe that about him faking his own death?" she said.

"It's insane," he said. "I can't get my head round it."

"I wonder how he pulled that accident off and I wonder who that guy they found in the car is," she mused.

"Hopefully it won't take them long to find out," Elliot said.

"That's if they ever do! It's not like this is the only case they have. I'm sure they have half a dozen other cases on their plates too."

"Cragen assured me this one is a priority," he said.

"I want to go and talk to Melinda." Olivia had a determined look on her face now, which worried Elliot.

"I don't think that's a good idea!" he said.

"Why not? I'm going crazy just sitting here wondering what's going on. I was thinking… we could do a bit of investigating ourselves and see what we can find out."

"Olivia, you can't be serious?"

"I'm very serious Elliot. I'm just sitting here irrationally terrified that he is going to suddenly decide it's better to tie up lose ends and come back for me. Meanwhile I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs, waiting for someone else to find him. I don't want to live the rest of my life in fear. I want to track him down and help lock him up."

"I understand that, I do, but I just don't think it's a good idea to get involved in the investigation after everything you've been through. You need to be resting and healing, not running around taking unnecessary risks. I really don't think this is a good idea, Olivia."

"Look, I'm not talking about anything too strenuous. I just want to talk to Melinda, maybe ask around his neighbourhood a bit and see if we can find out more about this guy's background.

"Cragen has people on it, Liv. They're good at their jobs. Just let them do it. I don't want you getting even more upset and stressed out over this."

"Do you really think that's possible?" she said sarcastically. "Look, I need something to do, something to focus on. I won't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder!"

"Olivia, please drop this. Cragen would be furious if he found out you were even thinking about this. You know he would. Not to mention the fact that I'm a civilian now."

"Wouldn't it be fun to work a case together again though?" she said wistfully. "It would be like old times."

"No!" he replied fervently.

She looked so disappointed that it instantly made him feel terrible.

"Well of course it would be great in any other circumstances," he said trying to appease her. It was true there was a certain appeal at the thought of them working together again, but she was all over the place emotionally. He didn't want things to get any worse. Besides, this guy did potentially pose a genuine threat and he wanted to keep her as far away from him as possible.

"This guy is dangerous Olivia. We should leave the city and go and hide out somewhere, spend some time alone together, get you into regular therapy and wait for your colleagues to do their job."

Olivia sighed. It was so frustrating just sitting here knowing he was out there somewhere. She hated feeling like this. She was scared and she didn't like not being able to do anything about it. Her colleagues were good at their jobs though. If anyone could find him, they would.

"Maybe you're right," she admitted.

"Of course I am," he said. "Come here." He pulled her close to him and she leaned against him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know this is frustrating. Part of me wants to get involved and go out there guns blazing too, I totally admit that. It's hard to sit back. I just think it's the best course of action."

"Fine," she said. "Can we change the subject now?"

"You're angry aren't you?"

"No! … Not with you anyway. I'm angry with him… and I'm angry with myself."

"Why are you angry with yourself?"

"I don't know: maybe because I couldn't stop him. I couldn't prevent it."

"Liv, you need to stop blaming yourself."

"You would have fought."

"Not with a knife against my throat."

"You wouldn't have let him get close enough to get a knife to your throat."

"This is pointless. It's not doing any good going over this. You aren't to blame Olivia. You have to believe that."

"Sure." It was poignant that he hadn't disagreed with her last comment. Deep down she knew that it was very different imagining what you would do in a situation than actually being in it, but she still couldn't help but think that Elliot wouldn't have accepted an attack like that lying down. It just reminded her that despite all her efforts to prove otherwise, ultimately she was weak. She hated that.

He couldn't help but feel a small stab of irritation. How many times had she sat down with a rape victim, reassuring them that it wasn't their fault and now here she was blaming herself? Elliot decided it was probably best to let it go for now. He knew it was a completely normal reaction on her part, but it was still frustrating.

"Are you hungry yet?" he asked. "I think I might get dinner sorted."

"A little," she said indifferently. "Do you mind if I check my email on your computer?"

"Of course not, go ahead! He stood and went over to the computer table and switched it on for her. The password is "Elliot" he called out, on his way to the kitchen.

"Hmm, very original," she teased.

"Well I don't use it much. There's nothing on it of any interest to anyone."

...

"El, look at this!" she called suddenly. The pasta had just finished boiling and he was draining it in the sink.

"Hang on a sec," he said. He finished draining the spaghetti and quickly served it out, adding the sauce. Then he carried the two plates over to the table and set them down.

"What are you looking at?" he asked curiously, stepping towards her.

"It's an interesting blog entry," she said. "I just googled Pat Miller to see if anything came up and I got this!"

"Olivia. I thought you were going to let this go."

"Just look, Elliot!"

He leaned over her shoulder and quickly skimmed the page. It was by a girl who lived in Queens, who claimed to have been raped by a police officer called Pat Miller.

"How did you find this?" he asked.

"It was buried on the fifth page or something," she said. He frowned. Obviously she wasn't going to just let this go. He carried on reading.

The girl claimed in her blog that she and a friend had run into Pat one night. He had come on to her but she had turned him down. She was only in her early twenties and wasn't in to older men. Apparently he hadn't taken it well. She had suspicions that someone was following her for a while after that. In retrospect she realised it must have been him. Then around three months after their first meeting he had surprised her by turning up late one night at the convenience store where she was working part-time. He'd then forced her into the stock room and raped her at knifepoint. She had tried reporting it to the police but the convenience store's cameras apparently weren't working and they hadn't been able to get any DNA evidence as her attacker had used a condom. In addition Pat Miller had produced a seemingly rock-solid alibi so the case had been dropped. Pat had claimed she was unstable and hadn't been able to take no for an answer so had made up the rape claim out of spite. Due to a prior drug conviction, the police had decided she wasn't a reliable witness and was probably lying in order to scam the police department for compensation. So, unable to get justice, she had written the blog in an attempt to warn other women to stay away from him.

"He's done it before, Elliot!" said Olivia. It's the exact same M.O. "There are probably more victims out there. We have to find them."

"We should email this blog address to Fin," said Elliot. "They can check into it."

"I wonder who his alibi was! We need to talk to them. We need to talk to Queen's SVU."

"Olivia, come on," Elliot insisted. Dinner is ready. Let's eat."

"But Elliot, he's going to do it again. I think he must have known that I would report it and being a police officer there was a greater chance that I'd be believed. He could be anywhere now, with a new identity. He could be marking out his next victim right now!"

"You could be right," agreed Elliot. He looked at Olivia's determined face. He knew that she wouldn't be able to let this go. "Let's email this to Fin right now," he said. "It won't take a minute and then we can eat."

"OK," she said. "Thanks Elliot. He quickly opened up his email and sent the link to Fin and then he shut down his computer.

"Come on," he persisted, indicating the table where the pasta was getting cold.

"What do you think, El?" she asked as she sat down in front of her pasta and reached for her fork.

"I don't know. It just seems a little far fetched to fake your own death in order to rape someone. I mean, a lot of planning must have gone into faking that accident. Also, how would he have known you would go up to the crib? I just can't help wondering if maybe there is something more going on here."

"You might be right," she agreed. "If he was planning on faking his death anyway for some other reason, then maybe my rape was just an after thought, an unexpected opportunity when he noticed me going upstairs alone?"

Elliot shuddered. He hated hearing her talk about her own attack so matter-of-factly. He was starting to get a little worried about how deeply she was allowing herself to get into this. He recognised that it was potentially her way of coping, to throw herself into this in order to avoid thinking about what had happened to her. He knew it was just a distraction though. It wasn't going to take the pain away. On the other-hand though, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing for her to be distracted for a while? Who knew what was best for her? Every person was unique and found his or her own way of coping with trauma.

"I don't know Liv. We can only speculate." He raised his fork and took a mouthful of spaghetti.

"It doesn't make sense though. Why would he be carrying a knife if he hadn't planned something?"

"Maybe he always carries one just in case?" Liv, can we drop this now?"

Olivia watched him. She decided to drop the subject for now. Maybe she could convince him later?

"This pasta is good," she said, taking another tiny mouthful.

"I'm glad you like it," said Elliot, pleased.

...

After eating and washing the dishes, they decided to watch a movie. Olivia lay with her feet up, her head on his lap. She was only half concentrating on the movie though. Her mind was racing, thinking about Pat's previous victim and wondering what kind of trouble he could have been in that led to him faking his death like that. Was there a connection between the rapes and his disappearance or was there something else going on? Maybe they were thinking too much? Maybe he had just been trying to evade justice, knowing that the combination of being both a cop and a sex offender wouldn't lead to him being treated well in prison? He had probably assumed she would report it. She wondered then why he didn't kill her. Then it dawned on her that killing her with a knife would have resulted in a lot of incriminating forensic evidence. As it stood it was just his say against hers with the rape. There was no real proof. She then realised that he probably had no intention of killing her. She had been terrified for nothing. She could have fought harder. She should have fought harder!

She wondered again for the umpteenth time why he had raped her. It seemed extreme just because of one knock-back. He must have known that it was a huge risk to attack a fellow police officer. His other victim had been a convicted drug offender and it had been easy to claim it was a false accusation. There would be no question that most people would believe him over her. It would be much harder to shake a complaint from a seasoned police detective though, not to mention the weight of the two complaints combined. If only she hadn't bothered to go and pick up her bag in the crib. It could have waited. How had he known she would? Maybe it really had been an opportunist attack? Had he known her bag was there and been watching her all day waiting for her to go and fetch it so he could follow her and pounce? Come to think of it, she had been sure she had removed the bag from the crib at the time and left it under her desk. Had he taken it and placed it there, setting her a trap? Now she couldn't remember for sure whether she had removed the bag from the crib or not. It was frustrating and confusing. Maybe one of her colleagues remembered seeing her with it? She would have to ask them.

Her head was starting to spin with the complexity of it all. She stood, deciding to go and use the bathroom. This movie was doing her head in anyway. She couldn't think with the noise of it. She wandered into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Now she was in here, she decided she may as well have another shower. She slipped off her clothes and stepped into the bathtub, running the water so hot that the small room soon filled with steam.

When she finished she got changed into her pyjamas and returned to the sofa.

"Mmm, you smell nice!" said Elliot snuggling into her.

"I wonder if Fin got your email?" she said.

"I'm sure he did."

"You could call him."

"You're not going to let this go are you?"

"Nope," she said grinning at him now.

"Fine," he said. "I'll call him, but only if you promise me no more obsessing tonight!"

"Ok," she agreed.

He reached for his phone and dialled Fin's number.

...

It turned out Fin hadn't seen his email yet. He had been busy. He had warned Elliot that Cragen would not be happy about him and Olivia getting involved in this, but he thanked them for the link to the blog and promised he would investigate it and let Elliot know what came of it. Unfortunately they hadn't got any closer to discovering Pat Miller's whereabouts or the reason behind why he had disappeared like he had. They were still waiting on the crime scene people for the official analysis of how the accident had happened. Nothing useful had turned up in the search of his apartment.

As Elliot hung up, Olivia looked at him expectantly.

"They're working on it," he said.

"Is there no other news?" she asked.

"No, not yet, I'm afraid," he replied.

Olivia looked disappointed.

"They'll find him, Liv," he said trying to comfort her. She didn't reply. She was lost in her own thoughts again. Elliot sighed. He hoped they would track him down sooner rather than later. He had the feeling that while Pat was still out there, her road to recovery was going to be all the more difficult to travel.


	17. Chapter 17: Anguish

17

Anguish

October 15

She woke suddenly and sat up, her heart racing. Elliot was sleeping soundly beside her. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and wandered towards the living room. This latest nightmare was different to the others. Mostly she had been reliving the rape in her dreams as it had actually happened, but in this one after the rape had finished she had managed to wrestle free and take the knife and overcome by unimaginable rage she had stabbed him again and again and again. There was blood everywhere. It covered her, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, absolutely everything. She could feel it and smell it in her hair, on her face and on her hands. He had stared at her his eyes wide with shock as she continued her frenzied attack and then he had laughed at her. She had stopped. He was still laughing, even though given the amount of blood by rights he should have been dead a long while ago. Then he had reached towards her. She had started to run, but had tripped over something. It was her bag. _That darned bag!_ He was closing in on her. Her heart was pounding. At which point she had woken up, angry and terrified.

In the living room she turned on the table lamp and sank to the floor beside the table. This nightmare had been truly horrible. It was like an amalgamation of the memories of horrendous crime scenes she had attended in the past, her rape and then partly her imagination. She still felt the rage. It petrified her. She had never felt anything like it before. She wanted to smash things. She fought to control herself, repeating silently to herself that it was a nightmare: that she was in Elliot's apartment, that she was safe. Gradually her heart rate and breathing slowed and she started to feel a bit better. The anger was fading and the vividness of the nightmare was starting to diminish. There was no way she could go back to sleep now though. She couldn't go through that again. It was horrible, absolutely horrifying. She never wanted to sleep again.

She couldn't shake the image of her holding the knife and bringing it down on to him, again and again. Did this mean she wanted to kill him? Was she capable of murder? She felt like she was going crazy.

She decided to get some water. On the way back from the kitchen her gaze fell on Elliot's computer. She could just have a little look. She switched it on and held her breath as the windows start-up sound rang out louder than she had thought it would. She didn't want to disturb Elliot. Luckily there was no sound from the bedroom. The computer started up and she typed in "Elliot" smiling again at his unoriginal choice in a password and once it had loaded she clicked onto the internet browser.

She paused for a second and then she typed "RTS, nightmares". _Rape trauma syndrome._ She guessed she must have it. She clicked on the fifth link, mainly because the name of the site appealed to her. She scanned the article before she came across the part that interested her, the part which explained that sometimes survivors had nightmares in which they were violent and that it was a way of taking back control. That made sense. She was relieved other people obviously had these kinds of nightmares too. It made her feel less alone and less crazy in a way.

She carried on reading. She knew most of this stuff from the numerous courses and workshops she had attended as part of her job, but it was completely different reading it when it applied to yourself. She clicked onto the self care section and scanned the list of suggestions. She wasn't interested in keeping a journal or suddenly attempting to turn all creative. Maybe exercise was a possibility though. She enjoyed running and she enjoyed working out. Maybe she should concentrate on keeping herself in shape for the next three months. Maybe that would help? It would certainly give her something to do. She knew she would be bored stiff with three months off work. She lived for her job. She decided she'd ask Elliot to join her on a run in the morning.

Elliot. What had happened over the last few days? She couldn't believe how dependent she had become on him being there for her. They hadn't even been dating when this had all happened and now they were together virtually twenty-four seven. Surly he must be getting sick of her by now. What if he wanted some time alone but was forcing himself to be with her because of what she had gone through. She was selfish to expect him to be here for her so constantly. She should have stayed in her own apartment tonight and sent him home for a night to get a break. She knew she didn't want to be apart from him really. She was just terrified that her current neediness would eventually push him away. How long could she really expect him to wait for her to get back to a more normal state of existence? And what if she never got over this? She loved him. Losing him would be devastating.

She wandered over to the telephone table and picked up the photo of them together, her eyes filling with tears. Clutching it, she sat down, leaning her back against the wall and drawing up her knees. She stared at the photo remembering that night. Then her thoughts suddenly turned back to the crib. Pat had pinned her against the wall. The knife was to her throat. She tried to force the memories out of her mind. Think of Elliot, she told herself. She remembered the conversation they'd had in the lift that time when they had found out they had the same blood type and jokingly said they would give each other a kidney. Only there was a ring of seriousness to it. It was their awkward way of telling each other they cared. These were the kinds of memories she wanted in her head. Not the ones of Pat violating her. But her mind involuntarily went back there again and he was once more inside her, hurting her. She was begging him to stop. The words wouldn't come out though. She was too focused on the knife and was frozen. She couldn't speak. She could barely breathe.

"Elliot," she whispered. _I need you._

He wasn't there though. She was alone, both during the rape and now. Her thoughts went to how he had blamed her after the death of that little boy because he had gone to her instead of grabbing him.

"_I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder, making sure you're okay…I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue."_

The words stuck out in her memory so clearly, even all these years later. It had hurt then and it still did now. He had been right though. She had known that logically there was no possibility of him coming to her rescue during her rape, but she had still hoped and silently begged any higher power there might be, that he would. But of course he hadn't. No one had.

Once again her memories intruded and forced her back there. He was thrusting inside her, showing her how weak she was, how worthless she was that she deserved no better than to be treated like this.

She remembered Elliot telling her he loved her. He kept saying it. He must have meant it, surely? She stared at the picture, looking at his face, seeing his arm around her and wanting to go back to then. If only they could go back in time and do it all differently. She should have told him how she felt that first time he had split up with Kathy. Maybe things would have been different?

She could feel the tears streaming down her face now, but didn't bother to wipe them away. There was no one here to see anyway. Why did this have to happen? What had she done to deserve this? Maybe it was because of her origins? Maybe this was all the child of rape deserved? She had just been treated like the scum that made up half of her genes. It was who she was. _It was her fate._

She knew she was on a destructive downward path and that she was allowing her thoughts to spiral dangerously. She knew that and she could hear her previous therapist's voice, warning her, telling her what she needed to do to pull herself out, but she couldn't help it. She was finding it difficult to fight the feelings of worthlessness and shame. It was the middle of the night. She was too scared to sleep and risk facing the nightmares again. Elliot had made her promise to talk to him, but she couldn't. He was sleeping peacefully and she didn't want to risk ultimately pushing him away with the intensity of all this. She was completely alone. Briefly she found herself wondering if taking some pills wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. Then she scolded herself. She had promised Elliot… and she wouldn't break that promise. She was stuck in this nightmare. There was no escape.

She closed her eyes as she hugged her knees. Once again she was back in the crib. When would this end?

...

Elliot woke and immediately realised she wasn't there. He quickly got to his feet, glancing at his wristwatch and noted that it was almost 4am. Maybe she had just popped to the bathroom? He left the bedroom and immediately noticed the light was on in the living room. He walked over. Then he saw her. She was huddled up near the telephone table, her back against the wall and her arms wrapped round her knees. She was just staring ahead, but it didn't look like she was really seeing anything. In her left hand she was clutching the picture of them both. As he drew closer he saw she had been crying. She had streaks down her face where the tears had fallen and her cheeks were still wet.

He went straight to her, taking her in his arms and cradling her head. "Oh Liv," he said. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were asleep," she said apathetically.

"How long have you been out here?" he asked. "You're freezing!" The nights had been getting cooler lately. He rubbed her upper arms, attempting to warm her up a little.

"I couldn't sleep," she said.

"Nightmares?" he asked. She nodded. "Tell me," he said. She shook her head. "Tell me Liv," he insisted. It might help."

"I don't want to think about it," she said. It was awful."

"What have you been doing out here?" He glanced around the room and noticed his computer was on, although the screensaver was on now.

"I was just looking up some coping strategies for RTS," she said.

"You were?" he looked at her hopefully. That sounded positive.

"Let's go for a run tomorrow!" she said, suddenly remembering her plan to get some exercise. "It suggested exercise might help."

"That sounds like a good plan," he said. "I think we should leave it a couple more days though. You need a bit more time to heal from the physical injuries."

"A walk then?"

"We could do that."

"Great."

"Liv, why don't you come back to bed?"

"I can't sleep," she replied.

"At least come and lie down. It's not very comfortable here and you're cold. Come on." She agreed and allowed him to help her up to her feet. They walked slowly to the bedroom then he sat her on the bed. "Wait a second," he instructed. Then he disappeared into the bathroom and came back with a facecloth that he had just run under some hot water. "Here," he said. "Use this."

She took the cloth and raised it to her face to wipe away her tears. The heat soothed her cheeks.

"Thanks," she said gratefully.

She lay back against the pillows and he got into bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him.

"Liv, you can talk to me you know. Tell me whatever is going on in your mind. I want to know."

"It was horrible," she said.

"The nightmare?" he asked.

"Yes." She had more tears in her eyes now.

"He was…." She paused then she said it, "He was raping me… and then suddenly I had the knife and I… I was stabbing him, again and again. There was so much blood. He just laughed at me. Then he came after me and I tripped and… Elliot, I was so angry. I've never felt anything so intense before. It terrified me."

"I hate this for you," Elliot said. It was truly heart-breaking.

"I think we should do what you suggested. I think we should leave the city," she said suddenly. Being here just brings back too many memories of the attack. I can't relax. I can't escape it."

"We can go somewhere Liv, but we can't go anywhere too remote. I think you should attend therapy. I also think we should ask about trying some meds, just to help out while it's at its worst."

She nodded. At this point she was willing to try anything. She couldn't go on like this. She was losing control of her life and it had only been four days. She knew that statistically, once she got past the first two to three weeks, it should start slowly getting better. It had better do because she didn't want to lose Elliot in the process.

"I love you," she said. "I don't think you'll ever know how much I appreciate you being here for me through this."

"I love you too," he said. "We're going to get through this. It'll be OK. I promise."

She let his words comfort her. She would believe them for now, even though deep down she had her doubts. She leaned towards him and kissed him. He kissed her back. For a few moments the attack stayed out of her mind and she just existed there with Elliot, safe, happy. Eventually their mouths separated. She laid her head against his shoulder, surprised that she felt sleepy now. It appeared that for now her fatigue was a greater force than her fear of more nightmares. She succumbed to sleep. He followed close behind.


	18. Chapter 18: Preparations

18

Preparations

October 15

"How about here?" Elliot asked her. She glanced at the website. It offered simple two bed-roomed cabins with a view of Lake Champlain and they seemed neither too expensive nor too run-down looking. The cabins were spaced at a reasonable distance, so there was a degree of privacy. It looked perfect. They had no need for anything more than a simple self-catering cabin with ample opportunity to enjoy the outdoors.

"I wonder if they have any free at such short notice?" she asked.

"I'll give them a ring now and see," he said, reaching for his phone.

It turned out they were in luck. Being off-season, there was a cabin available from the following day. He reserved it. It was about a five hour drive north of the city. He had checked out the local area online and there were rape counselling services available nearby. In addition there were all kinds of outdoor activities available and plenty of walking and jogging routes. It sounded perfect. He hoped that this time away would give her the chance to start to come to terms with what had happened in a place where she felt safe.

"It'll be quite chilly up there, especially in the evenings and early mornings" he said.

"Have you been up to Lake Champlain before?" she asked.

"A couple of times when the kids were younger," he replied, "but only for a couple of days each time.

"What about Eli?" she asked suddenly.

"I'll have to speak to Kathy. We'll have to work something out. Actually, she's taking him to her parents later this week so I'm not due to see him until the following weekend anyway."

"I don't want to come between you and your kids, Elliot."

"You won't. Kathy will understand anyway."

"You're going to tell her… about us?" Olivia cringed at the thought of Kathy knowing. She was worried she would think they had gone behind her back and that their relationship had started earlier than it had.

"She has a new man in her life herself, you know," said Elliot. "She'll be fine. I want to ask your permission to tell her what happened to you though, Liv. I think it will make things easier with Eli and visiting and everything. I don't know whether she'd be willing to bring him up there, maybe meet half way or something?"

"OK," said Olivia. "You can tell her." It seemed that the number of people learning about her rape was growing exponentially. It was a horrible feeling. It made her feel raw and exposed. Like everyone was in on her dirty secret.

"I'll keep to the simple facts, Liv. I won't tell her anything more than is absolutely necessary."

"Thanks," she said resignedly.

"So do you fancy going out on that walk we were talking about last night? How about we go to Kissena Park and the Botanical Gardens?"

"Sounds good," she said.

"Then maybe afterwards we could pop in on Kathy. It'd be nice to say goodbye to Eli."

"Sure," agreed Olivia awkwardly. "I'll just grab a shower." It was gone 10am but they were still in their pyjamas having not all that long got up.

While Olivia was in the shower Elliot rang Kathy to let her know he would be popping round later. Then he rang Cragen, hoping to find out if there had been any progress on the case.

"How's Olivia?" the Captain asked immediately.

"So-so," replied Elliot. "We had a long night. We've decided to go up to Lake Champlain. We've found a cabin to rent at short notice and so we'll be leaving tomorrow."

"That's great."

"We've found a couple of places that offer counselling services for sexual assault, so we'll go and check them out and hopefully she'll find somewhere she's comfortable with quickly."

"Keep me informed, Elliot," he said. I'll keep you informed about the case too," he promised. "Fin is checking out a new lead actually. He's found a blog in which a young women claims Pat Miller has attacked before." Elliot smiled. He could always count on Fin to be discreet. "She apparently reported it," continued Cragen, "but the case was dropped. We're going to check it out. We're also planning on interviewing Miller's alibi which he produced when this woman first made the complaint to the police. We're thinking it's very possible he could know something about Miller's plans and maybe even his current whereabouts."

"Is there any news on who the guy in the car is yet?"

"Not yet. Munch is still going through Missing Persons and will be investigating any leads that might turn up there. I'll let you know the minute we get any significant developments Elliot."

"Thanks Captain." Elliot was grateful. He knew the Captain was sharing much more information with him than was usual with civilians, as a result of his previous position as a detective himself and of course due to Olivia being one of their own.

They said their goodbyes and Elliot hung up.

...

By the time they got to the park, the autumn sun was at full strength and it was fairly warm. They walked leisurely, arm in arm. Elliot knew Olivia was feeling a little nervous about being out in the open like this, but he also knew she was determined to try and slowly get on with her life, one step at a time. Despite her fears, she was not going to hide away. She wanted to go for a walk and so she did. She was visibly anxious, however and anytime anyone came towards them he could feel her tense, her senses heightened.

Hyper-vigilance was another common symptom of rape trauma syndrome, but knowing it was completely normal didn't make it any easy for Elliot to observe. Watching her go through all this was very upsetting. He admired her strength and her dignity. He couldn't get the images of her being attacked out of his mind though. Every time he thought of it, anger burned inside him and he fantasised about getting his hands on Pat Miller and then after a while it would fade and be replaced by a deep sadness. She had had something irreplaceable stolen from her, but he had too. He wanted to be there holding her hands as a lover, pull her down beneath the trees, kiss her, touch her, take her home and make love to her. But he couldn't. She needed time. Of course he was willing to wait, for however long it took, but these first few weeks of a new relationship were irreplaceable and theirs were tainted, by the very violent act that they had fought against every day for years. It was devastating.

As they walked he wondered whether they would ever be able to have a "normal" relationship. She had suffered enough in life. Her existence itself and her upbringing, all the horrendous things she had seen in her job, her loneliness, her assault in Seal View and now this. How much could one person actually take? Of course she was strong, but he knew better than anyone that underneath that tough exterior, she was vulnerable, scared and at the end of the day basically just human. They all were. No one was infallible.

They were approaching an ice cream stall.

"Do you want to get one?" he asked her.

"No, but I could use a coffee," she replied. Elliot looked at her. She had barely been eating since it had happened, mostly just moving food around her plate, taking the odd mouthful here and there. He could swear she looked like she might have lost a little weight already. He hoped that once they got up north, she would start eating more. He didn't want to pressure her. He would just keep encouraging and reminding her to eat as often as he could. In some ways he could understand. He didn't always feel like eating all that much himself at times lately.

They bought a couple of coffees and took them over to a large tree and sat down in the shade to drink them.

"After you've dropped in at Kathy's, I'd better go and pack some things at my place and make sure everything's in order," she said. "I'd also better let my landlord know I'll be away for a while."

"Yeah, I'll have to let mine know too," said Elliot.

"I wonder if there has been any progress," Elliot knew she was referring to the case.

"Cragen said that they're following up the blog lead."

"You spoke to Cragen?"

"Yes, this morning while you were in the shower."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry. It completely slipped my mind. He didn't have any real news."

"You could have told me anyway." Olivia looked upset now. "You don't need to try and protect me, Elliot. I want to know what's going on. I think I have that right, don't I?"

"Olivia, I wasn't. I promise you, it genuinely just slipped my mind."

"Well it's on mine constantly," she said pointedly.

"I'm sorry. Really I am. I should have mentioned it."

"Yes, you should have."

"Cragen said he'll keep us abreast of what's happening, Liv. He didn't have any news this morning. Munch is going through missing persons, looking for any clues as to who the guy in the car might be."

"Maybe next time, I should speak to the Captain. You don't even work there any more."

"Liv, please, I said I'm sorry. I promise next time I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything, even if it's nothing."

"OK," she said. She still felt annoyed. Maybe he had simply forgotten, but he should have realised how much this was playing on her mind.

This conversation was reminding her that Pat Miller was still out there. She had suddenly had enough. She wanted to go back to the car. She felt so exposed out here. What if he was hidden somewhere watching her, just waiting for the right opportunity? She shuddered.

"Let's go," she said sharply. "We have lots to do to prepare for tomorrow."

"That's true," said Elliot, seeing her worried expression, but deciding not to say anything. There was little point asking, "Are you OK?" a million times a day when the answer was obviously going to be, "No!"

They walked back to the car and Elliot headed towards his old home. When they arrived he asked Olivia if she wanted to come in or wait in the car. She declined to go in and said she'd wait.

"Will you be OK on your own?" he asked, concerned.

"Just go, Elliot," she snapped. He sighed. Despite understanding the reason behind them, her moods were hard to deal with. He got out of the car and she locked the doors. He headed towards the house. This was going to be a very awkward conversation. He also needed to keep it quick, since Olivia was waiting for him. She'd been on edge ever since they had left his apartment and he knew that her anxiety levels would grow the longer he kept her waiting.

He rang the doorbell and Kathy answered. Eli came running from behind her and leapt into his father's arms, pleased about the unexpected visit.

"Hey, kiddo," Elliot said, ruffling his hair. "How have you been?"

"Dad! I got a gold star today! Miss Morris said my drawing of a dinosaur was the best she'd ever seen!"

"Wow, that's great! Where is it? I want to see!" Eli ran off to find the picture and Kathy looked at him.

"So what's going on El? Why the sudden visit?"

"There are a couple of things you need to know about," he said slowly.

"This sounds serious!" she said looking at him questioningly.

"It is," he said. "Olivia was raped last Friday evening."

"What? Oh my God, El!"

Elliot nodded, watching the look of horror on Kathy's face.

"It happened in the crib. It was a colleague."

"Geez," Kathy took a deep breath trying to get her head around what her ex-husband was telling her. _The poor woman._

"It was a guy she worked with for three months. None of them had a clue he was capable of something like this. Last Saturday night there was a car accident and it had been assumed he was killed, but it turns out the body isn't his, so now the hunt is on to track him down."

"How is Olivia, Elliot?" Kathy asked nervously. She knew that Elliot was aware that she still felt a certain amount of animosity towards his ex-partner. At times she had resented the fact that he spent more time with his partner than with her. Even though she had nothing really against Olivia, she had still felt threatened by her. It had been even more awkward after Olivia had saved her and Eli's life after they were hit by a drunk driver on the way to a hospital appointment. It made her feel like a complete bitch for still resenting Olivia's presence in her husband's life, but she hadn't been able to change the way she felt.

"She's shaken up, as you can imagine," said Elliot. "The news that he is still out there has hit her hard. I'm going with her up to Lake Champlain for a few weeks, so she can get out of the city, get therapy and start to heal."

"Lake Champlain? You're going together? Are you…?"

"Kathy, I don't know what we are. She has enough on her plate with what has just happened. We're just taking things slowly and we'll see what will happen."

"Wow," Kathy said, genuinely shocked. She had always known they felt more strongly about each other than either had admitted before. She couldn't help feeling a little jealous even now, but it was hard to be angry at Olivia after what Elliot had just told her. In any case they were divorced now and Elliot was free to be with whomever he liked.

"What about Eli?" she asked.

"I want to work something out Kath. Either I'll drive down or maybe we could meet up halfway sometimes?"

"How long are you going for?"

"Maybe two to three months….I'll ring you though once things have settled down a bit. At the moment I can't leave her side."

"Where is she now?"

"Waiting in the car…"

"Is she OK out there?"

"This is why I can't stay long. To be honest, she probably isn't."

"You should get back to her."

"I will. Where did Eli get to? I thought he was bringing me his picture?"

"Eli!" Kathy yelled. There was the sound of footsteps as Eli came charging back his picture in hand.

"Look, Dad!" he said.

"Wow, this is great!" Elliot admired. He was genuinely impressed. His son obviously had a gift for drawing.

"He couldn't wait to show you," said Kathy, smiling.

"Listen mate. Daddy's got to go away for a while, but I'll still come and visit you at the weekend sometimes. Also we can skype."

"Yay!" said Eli. He loved using the webcam.

They hugged and Elliot kissed him and then they said goodbye.

"Elliot," Kathy said just as he turned to leave. "Don't worry about the payments while you're up there. We'll be fine. Just look after her OK."

"Thanks, Kathy," he said, squeezing her arm. "I'll make them up later on. I promise."

He went back to the car where Olivia was waiting. The look of relief on her face when he returned didn't escape his notice.

"Hi," he said as he got in the car. He touched her hand gently. "Shall we go to your place now?"

"Did you tell her?"

"Yes."

Olivia felt the tears threatening to betray her again, but she managed to push them back. She hoped Kathy wouldn't hate her.

"Let's go," said Elliot.


	19. Chapter 19: Lake Champlain

19

Lake Champlain

October 16

"Are you ready?" he asked. She nodded and buckled her seatbelt. Elliot started the engine and they left. He felt both excitement and trepidation. He was under no disillusions. The next few weeks, months even, were going to be difficult. Not even a week had passed yet since her assault and so much had changed already. It was still surreal when he thought about it. The one thing he was sure of was that he wanted to be with her. He just hoped that she could get through this and they could get to a place where they could be happy together. That he loved her was undeniable. Whether they could have a relationship remained to be seen.

They had slept a little bit better last night than they had the night before, so he was feeling a little more energetic and ready for the five hour drive. Once they got onto route 87 it was straight up all the way.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" he asked.

"Sure," she replied unenthusiastically. He switched on the CD player but kept the volume low. "Let me know if you get tired, I can take over for a bit," she offered.

"Thanks," he said. If they stopped for lunch in a couple of hours and he took a break then, he knew he would be OK for the whole trip.

"Did Cragen call this morning?" she asked.

"No. I told you, I promise I'll mention it straight away if, when, he does."

She didn't reply. He reached over and placed his hand on her knee. "I'm sorry, Liv," he said.

"It's OK," she said. "I'm sorry too. I'm not the best company, am I?"

"You're fine," he replied.

"It'll be good up there, won't it?" He couldn't decide if she was making a statement or asking him a question.

"Yes, it will."

"I don't want to feel like this forever, El."

"You won't Liv. I promise. It will slowly get better and better."

"I hope so. I don't want to lose you."

Elliot turned briefly to look at her. She was looking down in her lap and seemed a little embarrassed.

"You won't," he said. He wished she hadn't said this right now, while he was driving and unable to take her in his arms and make her believe it. He squeezed her knee slightly instead, hoping she would feel his sincerity. "Olivia, please don't worry about that. We've known each other for over fourteen years now. I know you. You know me. I know this is going to be hard and it's going to take time. I understand. Please don't be scared about pushing me away, because you won't. I am here for you, through everything. You don't have to hide anything from me."

"It's hard for me to believe," she said quietly. "I've been alone almost my own life. Everyone at some point has left me…"

"I know Liv. I'm sorry it's been like that for you, but now things are different. I'm not going anywhere." He saw a lay-by up ahead. "I'm pulling over!" he announced.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want to hold you, Olivia…"

He pulled over and unhooked their seatbelts, reached over and held her tightly. He kissed her tenderly and stroked her face and once again he told her how much he loved her. She relaxed into his arms, enjoying the comfort they offered. Her stomach was in knots. She wanted him so much. She brought her mouth to his and they kissed deeply. He was moving her. She wanted more. She didn't want to stop at the kisses. She wanted to feel him on her everywhere. She wanted to force the memories away and replace them with him. The thought of Pat Miller being the last person inside her made her want to be sick. It was abhorrent.

She pulled away. The moment was ruined. Instead she now had images of Pat Miller in her head now, violating her. She was suddenly enveloped in anger. She hated that that bastard had done this to her. She suddenly lashed out in frustration and smashed her hand down hard on the outside of the glove compartment.

"Whoah!" Elliot said, shaken by her sudden outburst.

The pain hit her and she cradled her bruised hand. Elliot reached for it and examined it carefully.

"You have yourself a nice bruise there!" he concluded.

"I'm sorry," she said, embarrassed. "I… I don't know what came over me."

"Liv, you don't need to apologise. I understand. It's not like I haven't punched a few things in my time!" Olivia smiled. Who would have thought? Talk about role reversal. Now she was the one smashing things and Elliot was the one talking sense into her.

"I hope it wasn't purely down to my bad kissing?" he joked.

"Of course not!" she said. She didn't want to tell him that she had been thinking about her attack while he was kissing her. She didn't want to freak him out. "It's nothing. Let's go, Elliot. I just want to get there."

"OK," he said, deciding not to press her. He knew why she had punched his car anyway. There could only be one reason. He buckled his seatbelt back in and she did the same.

...

They arrived at the main office for the lakeside cabin rentals later that afternoon. Elliot quickly filled out the necessary paperwork and paid and they were handed over the keys. Their cabin was about a five minute drive from the office and was one of the ones furthest away.

The cabin was quite a cosy little place. Olivia liked it immediately. The living area and kitchen was all open-plan and the bedrooms were cheerful and roomy.

"What do you think?" Elliot asked her.

"It's perfect," she said, smiling.

"I'll go and fetch the bags," he offered. She followed him to help. She hated to leave everything to him. Once they'd unloaded their bags, they decided to go straight back out and do some food shopping.

The nearest supermarket was a ten minute drive away. It was a fairly small place. They bought enough food to last them the next few days, then they returned to the cottage and Elliot suggested they go for a brief walk to get to learn the lay of the land a little. Olivia readily agreed and they walked for an hour, hand in hand. Olivia already felt lighter, being away from the city. It felt like a holiday, a different world almost. The area was beautiful and she was glad they had come here. She was feeling the most positive she had in a while.

When they returned from their walk, Elliot started to put together a simple salad. Olivia had suggested it and he had been pleased that she had finally started showing an interest in eating something again. While he was preparing the vegetables she had walked over to the bookcase and was examining the books that had been left there by previous guests.

"Anything interesting?" he asked her, laying a quiche on an oven tray, ready to heat up for them to eat to accompany the salad.

"Just the usual bunch of crime novels and a few classics," she replied. She wasn't interested in reading crime stories. She had enough of that in her every day life. "There are a few board games though."

"Might be fun," said Elliot.

"Maybe," said Olivia in non-committed tones. Having no children herself, she couldn't remember the last time she had played a board game. She smiled at the thought of Elliot playing games like these. She knew he was a great Dad. It was one of the things she liked about him.

So this quiche apparently takes thirty minutes to heat up," Eliot said, coming towards her. "It's all ready now apart from that."

"I guess we should unpack or something?" Olivia suggested.

"I guess," he agreed.

There seemed to be an unspoken assumption that they would be sharing a bedroom. They quickly unpacked their bags, placing their clothes in the wardrobe and chest of drawers. Elliot sat down on the bed once he'd finished.

"Come here!" he instructed her. "Lie down!" She did as he asked and he proceeded to give her a gentle massage.

"You're good at this!" she exclaimed.

"I got lots of practice…" He suddenly realised that maybe this wasn't the best thing he could have said, as obviously the implication was that he had done this for his ex-wife. He could have kicked himself. Olivia didn't appear to react though. She just murmured in appreciation as he ran his hands over her tense shoulders and back.

She was disappointed when the timer on the oven rang so soon to let them know that the quiche was done. Once again, thanks to his touch she had basked in the moment, with no unwanted memories or flashbacks intruding.

"I'll finish it later," he promised.

"Thank you," she said gratefully.

...

"I wonder how the investigation is going!" she said as she unenthusiastically stabbed at a piece of lettuce. Her quiche was almost untouched, but she was managing to eat some of the vegetables. Ever since the attack her appetite had been almost non-existent. She wasn't really worried. Losing a few pounds wouldn't be a huge deal anyway, nice even, and she supposed her appetite would come back soon.

"I guess there's no news or else they would have phoned," said Elliot. It was redundant information but he wanted to reassure her that he wasn't hiding anything. She had been really upset about him forgetting not to mention Cragen's call the day before and he wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"I hope they find something soon," she said.

"Me too," agreed Elliot.

"I wonder if they managed to track down that girl who wrote the blog."

"I'm sure they will, Liv. I'm sure we'll hear something soon." Olivia took a deep breath and then put down her fork.

"It hurt so much," she said.

Elliot was taken aback by the suddenness and her honesty of her words. He took her hand, running his fingers over her skin gently.

"I didn't realise it would hurt that badly," she continued. "I mean I knew, but I didn't *know* if you know what I mean."

"I can't even imagine," admitted Elliot. It was true. He had no idea what it was like to be penetrated, much less forcibly.

"I pulled away," she said. "The pain surprised me. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He hit me hard and I banged my head on the wall." She placed her free hand on her head and felt the lump which was healing but still there.

"He deserves to rot in jail," Elliot muttered through his teeth, trying to control his anger. The thought of her being treated like this was too much. He couldn't bear it.

"I'm sorry. I'm saying too much, aren't I?"

"No, Liv. You need to talk about it."

"But it's hurting you."

"Yes, it is," he admitted, "But we need to talk about it and face it."

Olivia looked straight at Elliot. He had changed since leaving the SVU.

"Maybe we should go find me a therapist tomorrow?" she said slowly. She knew she shouldn't be leaning solely on Elliot. She knew she needed more help and the sooner the better.

"I think that's a good idea," he said supportively. He was glad she recognised that this wasn't something she could do alone. He was amazed how honest she was being with herself and with him.

They were suddenly interrupted by Elliot's cell phone. He reached for it and immediately recognised Cragen's number on the in-coming call.

"It's Cragen!" he said quickly before answering.

Olivia's heart rate quickened as she nervously wondered what news her boss was about to reveal.


	20. Chapter 20: Interviews

20

Interviews

October 16

Myfanwy Evans started when she heard her doorbell. She hadn't been expecting any visitors, so she had no idea who it could possibly be. She was extremely nervous of strangers and had been ever since that day five months ago, when Pat Miller had raped her. It was a day cruelly etched forever into her memory. She decided to ignore the doorbell, but it rang again and something made her walk over and peek through the spy hole. It certainly wouldn't hurt to see who was out there, she thought. She was surprised to see there were two men and they looked very much like police officers. She wondered if something had happened in one of the nearby apartments. Only the other week there had been a murder in an apartment block down the road. She wasn't exactly living in the best neighbourhood.

"Who is it?" she called out, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"Police!" one of the two men replied.

"Show me your badges!" she instructed. In all honesty she didn't have a clue what she was actually supposed to be looking for, but that's what they did on the TV and it sounded good to her.

Her visitors held up their badges. She supposed they were legit, so she opened the door.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I'm Detective Munch and this is Detective Tutuola…"

"Detectives?" she interrupted. "What's happened?"

"We want to talk to you about what happened to you last April 11th…"

"You mean the night that bastard raped me?" she said, her eyes suddenly lighting up with anger. "You idiots didn't believe me then. Why should I talk to you now?"

"Because he raped someone else," replied Munch.

"He did? Now why doesn't that surprise me?" Her tone was sarcastic, but her demeanour had changed slightly. She seemed slightly less defensive maybe.

"Would you be willing to come down to the precinct and answer some questions?" Fin asked her.

"Sure," she replied. "I just need to grab my bag."

...

At the precinct she was ushered into one of the interview rooms and given a cup of hot tea. She had declined their offer to find her a female detective.

"So can you tell us about what happened that night?" Fin asked her gently.

"I was working late. He came in. I was restocking the soft drinks and so didn't see him until he was right behind me. He had a knife. He held it to my throat, forced me into the stock room and he raped me." Myfanwy's voice held no emotion as she recounted the attack.

"Did he say anything during the attack?"

"No… Oh, but when he finished he told me that he knew I wanted it really, or something like that. I can't remember his exact words."

"You met this man before?"

"Yes. It was about three months before my rape. I was out with a friend and we ran into him and his friend randomly at the pub. They started chatting to us and Pat came on to me. I wasn't interested in him. He was way too old, plus he wasn't my type. Anyway, I told him as much and he seemed pissed about it. We left and he followed us outside. We decided to get in a taxi as we didn't want any trouble. Anyway I never saw him again until that night he raped me… but I think he was following me."

"Why do you think that?" asked Munch.

"Well I got flowers a couple of times, with no name and I got a few weird messages on facebook. I can't really explain it, but sometimes when I was out and about I got the feeling I was being watched." She looked at Munch. "You probably think I'm making this up, don't you?"

"No," replied Munch.

"So you think he really was following me?"

"It's very possible. He knew where you worked and he knew you were alone. It suggests he'd been watching for a while to learn your routine."

"It gives me the creeps!" Myfanwy shuddered. It was the first time she'd shown any real emotion. Fin and Munch could see that underneath her tough act she was still obviously very shaken up over the incident. "What if he's still watching me?"

"Unlikely," said Munch.

"Why?"

"Well as we said earlier. He raped someone else a week ago.

"Why haven't you arrested him?"

"He's disappeared. We're trying to track him down."

"Great. So he's raped someone else and he's still out there, free to do it again? You cops are useless. If you'd believed me when I told you all this the first time, then this other woman might have been spared!" Myfanwy was getting visibly upset. "I suppose it's because he is one of your own?" Her words hit home. Both Munch and Fin understood why those investigating her case would have been reluctant to believe her. No one wanted to think that a colleague was capable of something like this.

"What can you tell us about the man Pat Miller was with when you first met him?" Fin asked changing tack slightly.

"Not a lot. I can't remember his name. It was Jay or Jack or something. It definitely began with a J."

"Can you describe him?"

"He was just your average guy… tallish, around the same height as Pat actually, sandy coloured hair, brown eyes I think, slight beer gut."

"Did he mention what he did?"

"I can't remember. He didn't speak much. That Pat did all the talking."

"Does the name Daniel McLachlan ring any bells?"

"McLachlan? Maybe… I don't know though. I don't know any Daniels."

Munch realised that Myfanwy was looking more and more uncomfortable and was almost at her limit. They still didn't have an awful lot to go on.

"Anything else at all that you remember about him?" he asked, deciding he needed to wrap this up now.

"I don't know…. Wait a minute, yes! His ears! I remember he had the kind of ears where they join straight on to the side of your face."

"Attached ear lobes?" Munch asked.

"Yeah"

"That's great Myfanwy. That may prove helpful."

...

After they had finished up the interview with Myfanwy and dropped her back home, they headed towards McLachlan and Suzuki LLP to interview the man who had offered an alibi for Pat Miller on the night of Myfanwy's rape. Daniel McLachlan was a property lawyer in a small firm, married with two children, with no priors and there was seemingly nothing out of the ordinary about him. A jury would be unlikely to question the integrity of a hard-working family man and so in that sense it was a perfect alibi. It was too perfect though. After speaking with Myfanwy, Munch believed her, which meant this McLachlan must be lying. The question was why would he risk his reputation and job for Pat Miller? Ever sceptical, Munch immediately found his thoughts wondering towards to the possibility of there being something much deeper going on here and he was determined to find out, not only because it was his job to, but also for Olivia. She deserved justice and he wanted to play his part in ensuring she got it.

The office was like all the others they had visited in the past. There was nothing to distinguish it. The receptionist was polite but seemed jaded. Munch supposed it was a result of all her years in the same monotonous job. Daniel McLachlan had no clients booked in, so they were sent straight through.

They were greeted by a stocky man of medium height, with a balding patch on the back of his head. He stepped forward and smiled, offering his hand in a firm handshake. Munch's eyes fell on his ears and he noticed he had attached ear lobes, as Myfanwy had described when asked about the man who was with Miller the first time they had met. It was an interesting coincidence, but this guy had brown hair and was significantly shorter than Miller. Maybe Myfanwy had been mistaken? He would have to take her photo and see if she recognised McLachlan.

"Daniel McLachlan?" he said. "I'm Detective Munch and this is Detective Tutuola. We're just here to ask you a few questions about the night of last April 11th"

"Last April? You're joking right?"

Munch was surprised. This guy had obviously completely forgotten about it. He had assumed that being called on as an alibi was the sort of thing you would remember; an out of the ordinary event that would stick out in your mind. Besides, if he had been involved with Miller's disappearance, surely it would be even more likely he would remember the date. It was very strange. Maybe he wasn't that deeply involved? Had he just simply provided the alibi, nothing more?

There was something about this guy which made him uneasy, however, and he was instantly disinclined to trust him. It was a sixth sense he had developed over his years in this job and it rarely proved him wrong. There were of course the odd occasions when his instincts had betrayed him in the past, however, so he knew well enough to try and keep an open mind while questioning him.

"You made a statement confirming that you were with Pat Miller that night!" said Fin, in an attempt to jog the guy's memory.

"Ah, yes, of course!" It seemed McLachlan had now remembered. Both Fin and Munch again observed him shifting awkwardly.

"Can you tell us again what time you met with him and where you were that evening?" asked Munch.

"Yes, erm, I think he came over to my place in the early evening and was there all night. We had some beers and watched some sport on TV."

"What time did he arrive and leave?"

"I can't remember now. Maybe from about 7pm until the early hours, 2am, or something like that." Munch jotted it down.

"Can you remember what you watched?"

"The baseball and a bit of basketball… You know, my memory is foggy now. Can't you just read my statement I made?"

"We need to hear it from you," replied Munch.

"What is this all about anyway?"

"We're investigating another rape," replied Fin. He was losing patience with this guy. He seemed to have an extremely flippant attitude and it was annoying him, given how much he cared about this case and about Olivia.

"Oh I see. Well, you do know that Pat was killed in a road accident last weekend, don't you?"

"We are aware of the accident," replied Fin stonily. He glared at McLachlan. There was something about him that just didn't sit right. There wasn't much they could do right now though. Cragen didn't want them to mention that they knew it hadn't been Pat Miller in the car just yet as they didn't want to them to potentially tip Pat off that they were looking for him and make him go even deeper into hiding.

"OK, well thanks. We'll speak again soon," said Fin gruffly.

McLachlan saw them out and they headed back to the precinct.

...

"Well?" asked Cragen.

"I believe Myfanwy Evans," said Munch. She mentioned this other guy who was with Pat Miller when they first met. We really need to talk to him, but it won't be easy to find him based on her limited description! We're going to have a word with her friend later and see if she can provide any more information."

"How about McLachlan?"

"There was something off about him. I think he knows more than he's said. In fact I think he's outright lying about being with Miller the night of Myfanwy's rape. He was shifting uncomfortably and wouldn't make eye contact. He also seemed to have forgotten all about it at first. You would think he'd remember providing an alibi for someone, even more so if he had lied about it. I don't know that he necessarily had anything to do with Miller's disappearance though. He told us he had been killed in an accident and he appeared to believe it. In addition if he was involved in some bigger plan, you would think he would have remembered the date he had provided an alibi for more quickly."

"Or maybe he's just trying to throw us off?" suggested Cragen.

"He was also vague about the times. He said Miller was at his place from around 7pm until 2am but in his statement he said 7:30pm until 1:30am."

"There's not much difference there," said Cragen.

"True," said Fin, "but he looked like he was trying to remember what he said more than what had actually happened."

Both Munch and Fin looked impatient. Cragen sighed. He understood his detectives' frustration. This case was important to all of them. "Well look into this guy. Find out everything you can about him and his relationship with Pat Miller," he instructed.

"There was one thing though, Captain," said Munch. "Myfanwy described the guy who was with Miller and she said he had attached ear lobes. Interestingly so did this guy McLachlan. The rest of her description didn't add up though."

"Well, get a photo to her anyway and see if she recognises him," said Cragen.

Munch and Fin left the office and headed towards their desks to continue their search. Cragen reached for his phone and dialled Elliot's number, intending to let him know what they had found out so far. It wasn't much, but the fact that Myfanwy's story had seemingly checked out and that Munch and Fin had doubts about Daniel McLachlan's story was a development that both Elliot and Olivia would want to hear. He wished he had more to tell them, but it was early days and it was already apparent that this investigation was going to take time.


	21. Chapter 21: A morning run

21

A morning run

October 17

It was almost 10am and Olivia still hadn't risen. Due to their early night Elliot had woken at first light and had already eaten breakfast, showered, checked his emails, done a little exercise and wandered around outside the cabin, aimlessly exploring their immediate surroundings. He hadn't wanted to go too far, just in case she needed him. He had checked on her four or five times since he had got up, but she had flatly refused to move. He knew she wasn't sleeping. She was curled up, just staring, wrapped completely underneath the duvet, with only her head poking out. He had assumed she just needed some time to herself this morning and had left her alone, but now he was starting to get worried. This wasn't the Olivia he knew.

He decided to take her a cup of tea and try and get her to talk to him. She had said yesterday that she wanted to get some professional help and he intended to take her to a nearby therapist who specialised in sexual assault trauma later on that day and see if they could get the ball rolling.

He knocked softly on the door and stepped inside the bedroom.

"I've brought you some tea," he said, gently placing it on the bedside table. "Come on Liv, it's a beautiful day. We're missing it." She ignored him, so he pulled back the duvet a little. She groaned in protest. "Liv, please, sit up and have some tea. You can't stay in bed all day."

"Why?" she asked glumly.

"I thought you wanted to find a therapist today?" he said.

"I'm too tired to move, El," she replied.

"Are you sure you're OK? You're not getting sick are you?" he reached out and felt her head. She didn't feel particularly hot.

"You're not going to leave me alone, are you?" she said, a touch of frustration in her voice.

He grinned. She started to lift herself up into a sitting position and he handed her the tea. Then he sat on the bed beside her, watching her sip it slowly, before she placed the cup down on the bedside table. Despite her slightly flattened hair, her lack or make-up and the tired expression on her face, he couldn't help thinking how beautiful she really was. Impulsively he reached for her and turned her head to his and kissed her on the lips. She seemed startled by his sudden move, but she kissed him back and he felt his lower body immediately responding. He pulled away. It was hard to stop at kissing and holding her. He wanted so much more. He laid his head against her shoulder and took her hand in his, gently running his fingers up and down her hand and wrist, enjoying the feel of her soft skin.

"Why did you stop?" she asked innocently.

"I… I don't want to rush you, Liv. You need time."

"Why can't you let me decide how much time I want?"

"I just don't want to do anything to mess this up, Liv. I love you."

She pulled her hand away and got off the bed. She wasn't going to ruin his day. He obviously wanted to go out and she was wasting the daylight hours in bed. She would make the effort for him if not for herself.

"Come on," she said. "Let's go out. I'm going to grab a shower."

"I'll make you some toast," he said and he left her to get ready.

...

When she appeared in the kitchen he was slightly surprised to see she was wearing her running gear. He had planned a leisurely walk, maybe a picnic or something, nothing too extreme. A short while ago she had been lying in bed, unable to muster the energy to even sit up to drink some tea and now she was dressed and looking like she was ready for a 10km run or something. It was hard to keep up with her.

He handed her a plate with a couple of slices of toast on. She took one and ate most of it, but completely left the other.

"You should eat more, Liv, especially if you're planning on a run."

"I had some," she replied. "Stop fussing!" He smiled. He supposed he was fussing really. She was a grown woman, not a child. She knew if she was hungry or not. Maybe the run would be good? It might give her an appetite.

They quickly tidied up the kitchen, placing the dishes in the sink to wash later and then Elliot grabbed a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and handed her one.

"You ready?" he asked.

They headed out. About a five minute walk down the road there was an entrance to a jogging track which ran alongside the lake. They decided to run along there and see if they could find a beach or something further along.

It was a warm day, slightly cloudy with a very slight breeze. It was perfect jogging weather. Olivia set a slightly brisker pace than Elliot had intended. He ran alongside her, enjoying the motion, the feel of the breeze in his face, the rhythm of their steps and the feeling that he was working his muscles. He glanced at her and she seemed to be enjoying it as much as him. They were both active people and the last few days of little activity had been unusual for them both. It felt good to be outside, exercising again.

They ran for almost an hour. Then they came across a beautiful little beach. It was a real gem. Elliot stopped, grasped her hand and led her towards a kind of rocky alcove where they sat and caught their breath. Elliot couldn't believe there was no one else there. It was such a beautiful spot. They were well hidden from sight and it was like their own private little corner of the world. He knew the run had done him the world of good. He felt refreshed, positive and ready to face anything now. He turned to Olivia and she seemed more at ease too, an almost peaceful expression on her face.

His stomach knotted. Once again he was overcome by desire. He kissed her and they lay entwined in each others arms, kissing and exploring each other's body with their hands, as far as they could given they were fully dressed. Both avoided touching too intimately, although at one point his hand accidentally skimmed the side of her breast and she felt him through her clothes. The anticipation was overwhelming. She wanted him to touch her everywhere. She vaguely remembered they were on a beach right now, a public space, but they were pretty well hidden in their nook and besides there was no one around to see.

She clutched his hand and brought it on to her breast. He felt her, stroked her and teased her… he completely overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes. This felt good. She wanted to lose herself in this moment forever and remember nothing else.

"Liv," he said softly, pulling his mouth away from hers to speak. "Let me make you feel good." She opened her eyes and looked straight into his. She could see his sincerity and the love he felt for her in them. She trusted him. Even so she felt the nerves ripple through her stomach. What did he mean? Did he mean sex? Here, on the beach?

Never averting his gaze, he slowly started tracing a finger down her stomach, veering slightly to the left and continuing down her hip and thigh, almost right down to her knee, then moving to the inside of her leg he slowly brought his hand up, running all his fingers up the inside of her thigh until they stopped at the top of her leg, brushing against her there so very slightly. He saw the slight nervousness in her eyes and he repeated his question.

"Will you let me make you feel good, Liv?" he asked. He wouldn't touch her there unless he had her permission. She nodded slowly. He moved his hand more central and felt her through her clothes. He pressed down, circled his fingers and stroked her.

"Can I put my hands inside your clothes?" he whispered, still looking straight into her eyes. He wanted to be sure that he would know to stop immediately the second she felt uncomfortable, should that be the case. Again she nodded. She reached her own hand towards his chest, and then she started heading lower down stroking him as she moved her hand. He shook his head. "No Liv," he said, grasping her hand and moving it away from him. "Let me do this for you." He leaned forward and kissed her. He just wanted her to feel good. He was surprised how strongly he felt about it. He had never really done this before. Of course he had given pleasure to a woman, but there had always been the expectation that it would lead to his own afterwards. This time though, it was only about her. He just wanted to make her to know how much he loved her, to somehow take away her pain, even if it was for a brief moment.

He slipped his hand inside her running pants, feeling her through her panties. He could feel the dampness and he had never been more turned on in his life. With one hand, he stroked her face gently and he ran the fingers of his other up and down her, circling, pressing and kneading gently.

"May I…?" he asked, wanting permission to go the final step.

"Yes," she whispered breathily. "Don't stop!" He needed no more invitation. He pulled her panties aside and his fingers finally reached her. He was now touching her most intimate area. His fingers soaked up the dampness and he gently but firmly and unrelentingly moved them over her. She was squirming now and had closed her eyes.

"I love you," he whispered as he increased the speed and pressure. She was moving against him. He knew she was close. A few seconds later she arched slightly and he felt the pulsing as the pleasure rippled through her. He very gently continued massaging her as she shuddered and finally stopped pulsing.

He kissed her and once again told her he loved her.

"Thank you," she whispered. She had tears in her eyes now. She was overwhelmed. "I love you…" she said. "…Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me," he replied. He kissed her again. Then he pulled back a little and wiped away the tears which had escaped and were slowly rolling down her cheeks. He held her tightly in his arms.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm crying again."

He kissed her wet cheek.

They lay like that for several minutes more before she next spoke.

"I want to do the same for you," she said. It felt weird to be the sole recipient.

"Only when you're ready," he replied. "You don't have to do anything. I want you to take your time."

She kissed him. She loved him so much, of that she was certain. She had never ever met a man this selfless. She marvelled at how she could have spent so many years at his side, so close to him yet so far.

After a while they headed back towards the cabin. With his hand grasping hers tightly Olivia felt safe and at peace. She was so glad they had come away. She felt that maybe she was in with a reasonable chance at truly healing out here.

When they arrived back, Elliot checked his phone and noticed the missed call.

"Cragen rang," he announced. "I'll call him back."

Olivia's heart sank as the memories flooded her again, immediately replacing her positive feelings with anxiety. She hoped they had caught him, but she knew that this soon the likelihood was low. She wondered if maybe Elliot had been right to hide the call from Cragen the other day, although of course he had insisted he had just forgotten. She was surprised at how just the mention of her Captain's name had completely changed the way she was feeling. Maybe it would be better for Elliot to screen Cragen's calls and just mention important updates when the time was right? She couldn't tell him that now though, could she? It would be embarrassing after the huge fuss she had made the other day. She didn't want him thinking she couldn't handle this either. Yes, he was being extremely sympathetic towards her trauma, but she still valued his respect. She didn't want to lose that.


	22. Chapter 22: Developments

**A/N. Potential ED Trigger warning for this chapter. (No numbers mentioned, but weight loss discussed)**

22

Developments

October 17

She felt her stomach knotting tightly as she watched Elliot dial Cragen's number. What news would he have this time? Yesterday she had heard about the interviews with Myfanwy Evans and Daniel McLachlan. It was interesting information, but still hadn't led to any major leap forward on the case. She hoped there was something more substantial today.

She couldn't believe her thoughts were so quickly dominated once again by Pat Miller. This afternoon they were supposed to be driving to Plattsburgh to talk to a therapist who specialised in rape trauma. She wasn't sure now that she had the energy to go and force herself to relive everything in detail in order to let her new therapist know what had happened. It was much more preferable to try and put it out of her mind and not think about it at all. She knew that it wasn't a long-term solution, but it certainly made the present a lot easier to handle.

She couldn't really work out how the conversation between Elliot and her Captain was going, so she decided she may as well go and get a glass of water. When she returned Elliot was still on the phone and she started to feel a bit frustrated. She wandered into the bedroom and lay down on the bed. She could feel the beginnings of a tension headache. She wondered if she could convince Elliot to go to Plattsburgh tomorrow now. It was only Thursday, so the office would still be open tomorrow. She sighed.

Finally Elliot came looking for her.

"Are you alright?" he enquired.

"I have a slight headache," she said.

"I'll get you some painkillers," he offered. She shook her head.

"No, I'll just drink some water and see if it goes away. If not, then I may take you up on that offer."

"If you're sure," he said, seating himself on the edge of the bed and putting his hand on her arm sympathetically.

"I really don't feel like a drive though…" she said nervously. "Can we go tomorrow?"

"Well I guess we could. I really think we ought to go sooner rather than later though."

"I know. Tomorrow… I promise.

"Alright," he agreed. "So do you want to hear what Cragen had to say?" Elliot took in her reluctant expression. "What's wrong, Liv?" he asked, worried about her sudden lack of interest in the case.

She was surprised to find herself telling him the truth. "It's just everything was great this morning, I enjoyed the run…and the beach," she looked down shyly, her cheeks slightly flushed as she remembered. "I felt like I had cleared my head. Then we got back here to Cragen's missed call and straight away it all came back."

"Oh Liv, I didn't think. I'm sorry. It's just you were so angry with me the other day when I forgot to let you know he had called, I thought you'd want me to say straight away."

"I know Elliot. It's my fault. I do want to know. It's just, well it's just hard."

"I know sweetheart. I'm so sorry." He put his arms around her.

She smiled at his use of the word sweetheart. She hadn't been called that by anyone she cared about before and hearing him say it was even stranger. She kind of liked it though. "It's not your fault," she said. I want to know, but at the same time I don't."

"How about I arrange to call Cragen in the mornings? Then we can deal with it first thing and try and put it aside and forget about it for the rest of the day?"

"That actually sounds like a good idea," she agreed.

"Then that's what we'll do." He kissed her gently. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine. I think I'll just lie down for an hour and see if my headache goes."

"Can I lie with you?"

"Sure. Will you tell me what Cragen said now?"

"Yes. Actually they've come on a little in the investigation. They've found out who the guy in the car was. His name was Humberto Murillo. He's originally Honduran. They found out he has a wife and a child so they went today to tell her what had happened."

"His poor family," sympathised Olivia. "How old is the child?"

"Around four," Elliot replied. Olivia's face clouded as she thought about another child having to grow up without a father. The world just didn't seem to make sense sometimes. Why did all these bad things have to happen?

Well, the interesting part is that the wife told them that her husband worked for a Joseph McLachlan!"

"McLachlan?" Olivia sat up as she took in the information. "Is he related to Daniel McLachlan?"

"They're brothers! And what's more Joseph, or Joe as he's generally known, owns a garage! Murillo's wife said he worked cash in hand for him, running errands, cleaning out cars in the garage etc."

"This must be the guy Myfanwy described was with Pat the first time she met them!" said Olivia. I remember you saying she thought his name began with a J – that's it! Joe!"

"Munch and Fin are going to take her a photo to see if she can ID him later on today." If this is the guy, which is looking very likely, it's probable that he got his brother to provide an alibi for the time of the rape, which means he knows about it! We… I mean they… just need to get him to talk. He may even be able to give them a clue as to Pat's current whereabouts. They'll probably be able to get him to accept a deal if he's threatened with conspiracy to rape and perjury charges."

"They could be close to getting him!" Olivia's voice held a note of optimism.

"Yes, it could still take some time, but if they can get this guy to talk, hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later!"

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Knowing Pat Miller was still out there was a shadow hanging over her. She knew she would sleep better knowing he was locked away where he could no longer harm anyone else, her included. She didn't really believe he would come after her now. He would have to be crazy to risk it. At least she hoped so. However, the fear never completely left her.

"They'll get him Liv," said Elliot. He was convinced it was only a matter of time. He knew the whole team was highly motivated and were working their arses off on this case.

"I know," she said. "So once they've got an ID from Myfanwy, they'll bring this Joe McLachlan in and question him?"

"Yes, that's the plan."

Liv leaned against him and he put his arm around her.

"That's everything for now," he said.

"If Joe McLachlan knows his way around a car, I wonder if he was directly involved in staging the accident?" she mused. "I wonder when CSU will be finished with their report. If McLachlan is deeper in than simply providing Pat with an alibi, then he probably knows where he is hiding out."

"It's very likely he knows something," agreed Elliot. Cragen said he'll let me know the minute they find something, but I'm going to ring him and ask him to ring in the mornings, like we said, unless it's the news that they've finally apprehended him."

"OK," said Olivia. She was curious about the case, but she didn't want a repeat of today. Her emotions were all over the place. She craved predictability and calm. Elliot had helped her forget for a while this morning and she didn't want to ruin any other chances she may get at feeling normal again.

Her headache seemed to be slowly getting worse. She hoped she wasn't getting sick. It was probably just the stress. She was tired. She hadn't slept well last night. She had lain awake for hours, listening to Elliot's soft breathing beside her as her mind replayed events again and again and she tried to convince herself that she had done everything she could. She knew she needed to accept the attack; accept that he had overpowered her and had controlled her and that it wasn't her fault. However, she couldn't stop herself from trying to find something that she had done wrong. She still partly blamed herself.

Beside her now, Elliot was warm and she felt comfortable in his arms. She wished she had known their warmth a long time ago. She was glad it was not too late, but she wished again that things had been very different. She felt her eyelids growing heavy and knew she was going to fall asleep. Just a few minutes she told herself right before she drifted off.

...

When she woke she was surprised to find that Elliot had gone and that it was getting dark. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table and saw she'd been asleep for over two hours. Her head was still uncomfortable but it seemed a little better than it had been before she had fallen asleep. She noticed Elliot had laid a blanket over her and she pulled it down, smiling at his thoughtfulness as she stretched her legs over the side of the bed and got to her feet. She wandered towards the bathroom. After she had finished freshening herself up, she looked down and noticed the scales on the floor, jutting out under the cabinet. She pulled them out and gingerly stepped on to them. She saw that she had lost some weight and she felt pleased. She had always taken pride in her slim figure, but recently her accumulating age combined with the unconventional hours and erratic meal times had made it harder to stay as slim as she liked. At least there was one perk to losing your appetite after being brutally attacked she thought bitterly.

She stepped back off the scales, pushed them back under the cabinet and glanced at herself in the mirror. She could probably do with losing a little more if she was being totally honest with herself. Maybe she would use this as the excuse to begin a diet. She would try to stick to healthy foods and regular exercise for a few weeks. She wanted to look good for Elliot too now. She guessed that after today it was only a matter of time before their relationship moved on and became even more intimate and she had to admit she was slightly nervous at being naked in front of him. For so many years their relationship had been more like brother and sister, so it was a huge leap that would take some getting used to. She suddenly felt shy at the thought of him seeing her.

She ran her fingers through her hair, staring at the lines around her eyes. How was it possible she could be in her mid forties already? Where did the time go? She had spent more than half of her adult life working in SVU. Things had never been the same after Elliot had left. She felt more jaded. The cases still got to her, but she felt slightly more distanced. She found she wasn't missing it now as much as she thought she would. She wondered how much Elliot had to do with her staying in that unit as long as she did. Did she even want to go back now? She wasn't sure that she did.

She headed towards the living area, wondering where Elliot was and what he was doing. She found him on the computer talking to Eli on skype. She backed away and returned to the bedroom. She didn't want to intrude on their conversation. She suddenly felt bad about pulling Elliot away from his son. Coming here had to be hard on them both. Maybe she should have been stronger and offered to stay in New York. It wasn't fair on them. She felt her eyes brimming with tears as she berated herself for her selfishness. She hated how easily tears came to her eyes now. So much for her tough image now! She felt worthless. She didn't deserve him.

She heard a noise. It sounded like he had finished his call and was heading towards the bedroom. She had to pull herself together. She couldn't let him see her crying again. She fiercely wiped her eyes and wandered over to the window, pretending she was looking out over the lake. She heard him come in and she tensed. At the same time she felt her heart rate quicken slightly.

"Hey, you're awake!" he said, coming straight over to her and putting his arm around her. "You ok?" She didn't trust herself to reply, so just nodded. He saw her eyes looked slightly red and he knew she had been crying and was obviously trying to hide it. "Liv," he said sadly. He wanted to help her so badly but once again he found himself unsure what to say or do. Instead he nuzzled into her neck and kissed her tenderly.

"How's Eli?" she managed to ask.

"He's good. He's looking forward to seeing his Granny and Grandpa tomorrow."

"Oh that's right. I forgot you said about him going there." Olivia was relieved that at least she wasn't keeping them apart this weekend. "Elliot, I'm sorry."

"What for?" he asked, saddened that she was once again apologising to him.

"For taking you away from the city and away from Eli," she explained.

"Olivia, it's fine, really! I wanted to come with you. Eli is fine. It's not that far. It's only a five hour drive."

"I know, but…"

"No buts. I want to be here with you."

"I should be stronger…"

"Please Liv, don't think like that. You are the strongest person I know. You've been through a horrific and traumatic experience and here you are. You're going to get through this. You will."

She wondered if she heard it enough whether one day she truly would start to believe it. His words were admittedly comforting. She found it a huge source of strength knowing that he believed in her so resolutely. Once again she felt herself melting into his arms, wishing she could stay there forever, wishing that she had been there forever. She felt him stroking her hair again. It was becoming something she anticipated now every time he held her in his arms. His gentle touch soothed and invigorated her.

"How's your head?" he asked suddenly remembering her headache.

"It's much better," she said, only exaggerating slightly.

"Good. Then let me take you out to dinner Liv."

"Out?" she wasn't sure she was up for going out. She would much prefer to stay in, wrapped in his arms, hidden from the world. Then she realised she couldn't just think of herself. He deserved to have some say in what they did and where they went. He wanted to go out and so she would go, for him. "Sure," she said, smiling. "Where do you want to go?"

"Not far. I thought we could check out that little restaurant down the road and maybe have a couple of beers or something? Are you up for the walk? I think it should only take ten or fifteen minutes."

"Sure," she agreed. She was willing to do whatever he wanted.

"Then grab your coat and let's go!"

...

The restaurant was surprisingly busy but they managed to get the last table, which also happened to be set in the corner slightly apart from the others. Elliot had regretted pushing her to come out with him when they had arrived and he had seen the near-panicked expression on her face when confronted with the crowded restaurant. Once they had slipped into the seats at the table though she seemed to relax a little. He took her hand.

"Are you ok? We can leave if you want."

"No, I'm fine," she said. "It's seems like a nice place."

"Do you want a drink?" he asked. She nodded so he called the waitress over and ordered a couple of beers. They arrived quickly and with a smile.

Over the opposite side of the restaurant where a particularly rowdy group were assembled, there was suddenly the loud noise of breaking glass, as one of them who had had a few too many dropped his drink, smashing the glass and spilling it everywhere. Elliot watched as Olivia jumped nervously at the noise. He could sense her anxiety levels rising exponentially. It confirmed to him that coming here had been a bad idea. She wasn't ready. He shouldn't have pushed her.

"Liv, let's leave," he said. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't have come."

"No, Elliot. We're here now. Let's just order something and eat."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

His heart went out to her. He cursed himself for being so insensitive. There was no way she would admit to not being ready for this. He should have known. He shouldn't have pushed her.

"We'll eat something quickly," he said. Next time we'll go somewhere quieter, I promise."

"Elliot, I'm fine, honestly," she insisted, but her eyes said it all.

They ordered and ate quickly. The food was delicious. He watched her playing with her fork. Once again she had barely eaten. He wondered when he should start to seriously worry. It hadn't even been a week yet, he realised sadly. He finished his beer and asked for the check. Once they'd paid, he slipped his arm around her and they walked back to the cabin slowly in silence. Not for the first time Elliot briefly found himself wondering if she would ever be the Olivia Benson he had known again. He immediately forced the thought out of his head, replacing it with resolve. She would get over this eventually. She had to. He knew though that it was naïve to think that this hadn't permanently changed her. He knew the score: rape wasn't something you ever got over. It was something you learned to live with.


	23. Chapter 23: Torment

23

Torment

October 19

Olivia opened her eyes and was instantly hit with a wave of melancholy. It was Saturday morning. A week had now completely passed and she was still a mess. It had been one of the longest weeks she had ever experienced. She turned and saw the only good thing in her life at the moment. He was still asleep, stretched out and taking up most of the bed too. His arm was still loosely around her and she smiled. Waking up with him beside her was still a novelty, yet at the same time it seemed so natural now. She couldn't imagine him not being there.

Yesterday had been hard. They had driven up to Plattsburgh and met with the therapist and she had talked. She hadn't gone into the most intimate details but even just covering the basics had been emotionally draining. Exhausted she had spent the return journey in silence, barely answering the one or two questions he had asked her in an attempt at conversation. She knew she had withdrawn into herself and no doubt she was worrying Elliot to death. She hated hurting him and she knew she was. Sure it wasn't deliberate and she knew he knew that, but she knew how much he cared for her and how devastating it was for him to watch her going through this. Despite that, she had been unable to talk to him. She had just shut down, desperate to get back, go to bed and put an end to the horrible day.

Of course she hadn't slept well. She had been plagued with nightmares and had woken screaming and thrashing at one point. Elliot had sat with her for over two hours as she tried to regain her composure and calm down enough to go back to sleep. He had held her as she shook and broke down yet again in his arms. He had stroked her head in that way he did and told her she was safe and that he loved her and that he would never let anything happen to her again and slowly she had been soothed. She hadn't wanted to talk, so he had talked to her at her request and he had told her simple stories about his life growing up, things that she had never heard before. She had listened, allowing his voice to lull her into a peaceful state and eventually she had fallen asleep again. Luckily she wasn't aware of having any more nightmares after that.

She wondered what developments there might be on the case. Elliot had arranged for the daily call to take place early, as they had discussed. Yesterday there hadn't been anything to report and now it was the weekend, they wouldn't hear anything until Monday. She was hoping that by then there would be something in the way of news. She decided to get up and shower. She moved slowly and quietly so as not to wake Elliot. He deserved to sleep after being up half the night with her.

In the bathroom she removed her pyjamas and stepped into the shower. Her bruises were healing. The physical injuries were the easiest to recover from. In a week's time she would have to go back to a hospital to get tested for STDs. She was fairly confident that she wouldn't have caught anything, but the doubt still niggled at her. She wondered if Elliot had thought to bring any condoms with him. Then she felt a wave of embarrassment at her own presumption. Was it normal to be thinking about sex so soon after a rape? What did that say about her?

She thought back to the day before yesterday and the beach. She was still moved thinking about the way he had excited her and brought her to the edge, then tipped her over until there was no going back. She was completely invested now. Life without Elliot wasn't even an option. She knew she was dependent on him and it scared her to death but she couldn't imagine herself ever voluntarily pulling herself away from him. She knew that if he left her now, her life would be over. She wouldn't want to live any more. She imagined Huang would have a field day telling how unhealthy it was to be so dependent on someone else, but it was the truth. Elliot was the only thing preventing her from falling into an abyss. Without him she knew she'd be completely broken. It wasn't even that she believed that she couldn't eventually put herself back together. The thing she worried about was whether she would want to.

After finishing her shower she wandered into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea. She wondered if she should make some and take some to Elliot. She knew it was for the purely selfish reason that really she wanted him to be awake and with her. No, she should leave him to sleep. She sipped her tea and went over to Elliot's computer, deciding to while away the time by playing solitaire. She didn't really have much interest in computer games, but it gave her hands something to do and kept her mind from going over and over events while she waited.

Time was dragging and she was starting to get anxious. When was he going to wake up? She knew she couldn't wake him, it wouldn't be fair, but at the same time she needed him. The cabin was eerily quiet and every tiny little noise made her nervous: the refrigerator, a car in the distance, the sudden call of a bird, the sound outside of an animal maybe? There was a crack which sounded like a twig being stood on. Her heart rate quickened. Was there someone out there? Was it him? The fear was taking over and she couldn't stop it. She headed towards the bedroom. He was still asleep. She crept over to the bed and gently got back in, drawing her body to his. He instinctively shifted and wrapped his arms around her and she closed her eyes. She felt ridiculous. She was a grown woman, a police detective and she had dealt with the scum of the earth, overpowered many of them and yet here she was curled up in Elliot's arms terrified.

He stirred and she felt his grip on her tighten.

"Morning," he said sleepily as he kissed her gently on her forehead. "What's the matter?" he asked, feeling her racing heart and sensing her nervousness.

"Nothing," she replied, embarrassed.

He immediately awoke fully. He looked at her sharply and she refused to look at him.

"You're shaking!" he said.

She hadn't noticed, but it appeared she was. "I heard a noise outside…" she admitted weakly. It's probably an animal."

"I'm sure it is," he said stroking her arm. "Don't be embarrassed. It's normal to be jumpy."

It was embarrassing though. She hated it.

"What time is it?" he asked groggily.

"Almost nine thirty."

"How long have you been up?"

"I don't know, maybe an hour or two?"

"You should have woken me."

"I didn't want to disturb you, especially after keeping you up all night."

"Liv, when are you going to stop trying to do everything on your own and ask for some help? I want to be here for you?"

She looked at him puzzled. She felt completely dependent on him, so much so that she was terrified she was smothering him. Did he not realise how much she relied on him? He seemed to think she was still distancing herself from him yet it was anything but in her eyes.

Maybe she did need to speak to him more about how she was feeling. He wasn't a mind-reader. Well that wasn't exactly true for he did have an uncanny way of reading her sometimes. It was a bond that had served them well out in the field. They had made an excellent team, there was no denying that. Well, when they weren't fighting anyway. Maybe it was her? She knew she found it difficult to rely on anyone else. She had grown up with the knowledge that the only person who you could truly depend on in life was yourself. It was everything she was. She was fiercely independent and even the attempted rape she had been subjected to at Seal View hadn't taken that part of her away. She hadn't even told Elliot about it at the time, preferring to battle through on her own, worried he would see her as weak.

"Liv," he said, interrupting her thoughts. "Don't shut me out."

"El, how can you say that?" she said looking at him now. She saw the tears in his eyes and she grasped his hands and brought them to her face, kissing them. "I don't mean to," she whispered. "I mean, I didn't think I was."

"I know this is difficult for you," he said. "You've been on your own so long, but I'm here for you Liv. I want you to trust me."

"I do trust you Elliot."

"I mean trust me to tell me what's going on in here!" He pulled a hand away from her grasp and placed a finger on the side of her head as she spoke.

"I'm trying," she said dejectedly. Did he really want inside her head? She doubted very much he wanted to know the nature of the thoughts racing through her mind. Was that the problem? Was she trying to protect him? Did he feel that? She was confused. She had been sharing so much with him, she thought. But had she really? Yes she had taken comfort in his arms and they had talked somewhat, but it was true that this morning she had been overwhelmed and wanted him, yet had not gone to him and it wasn't the first time she had tried to battle through on her own. Almost every night she woke from the nightmares yet she refused to deliberately wake him, not wanting to disturb him. She knew it was nothing to do with not trusting him. It was because she didn't want to burden him. Yet thinking about it, maybe it was to do with trust? Maybe it was that she didn't trust him? Maybe she didn't trust him to stick around if she let him see the full extent of her pain? It was true she was trying to shield him from the worst of it. Every time she cried, her priority had been to pull herself together, so as not to upset him, rather than to just cry for the sake of crying to release her distress.

"I know," he said. "I don't want you to hold back Liv. I can handle it. Everything! I'm not going anywhere!"

Once again he seemed to have read her mind. It made sense he would know her fears about him leaving. He had been by her side for years and knew she had no one.

"I do trust you, El," she repeated.

"I know," he mouthed back as he leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

She felt her eyes filling with tears again, but this time she just let them fall without trying to force them away. She let him cradle her head and wipe her face, stroke her back and then she told him.

"I'm so scared, Elliot." Her voice was barely audible but he heard her and he held her tightly as she continued. "I'm so scared I'm losing myself. I'm scared he'll come after me and I'm scared you'll find this too much and leave…"

"I know you're scared, it's OK," he soothed. But I promise you Liv, I _promise_ you that I'll never let him hurt you again. And I've known you for fourteen years and so I can promise you this too. I will never leave you. Whatever happens with us, I am here for you, always. _Always!_ Do you hear me?"

Unable to speak, she just nodded. He started tenderly showering her with kisses; on her face, her head, her cheeks, her nose, her brow, her neck and then he brought his lips to hers and he pressed deeply, moving gently in rhythm with her movements. One of his hands held her head firmly as his tongue started exploring her mouth, tentative at first, then growing more frantic as both of them were engulfed by their desire to get as close to each other as they could possibly get. Her hands began exploring his back, arms and chest and his ran over her upper body and chest unrelentingly exploring, stroking and caressing. He slipped his hand under her top and she felt him on her skin. His warm hands were gentle but insistent as they kneaded and teased her. She closed her eyes as she kissed him, her lower body silently begging to draw his focus. She reached with her own hands inside his shirt and circled his chest, enticing out his nipples and teasing him by running her fingers along the top of his pyjama pants.

He groaned and she found it incredibly erotic knowing how much he seemed to want her right now. She wanted him completely. She ripped at his pyjama top and he helped her pull it over his head and then he helped her with her own top and bra. She laid against him, kissing him, feeling her bare breasts against his skin, the feel of him further intensifying her want. His hands refused to leave her alone and his touch was electrifying. She was almost delirious. If he didn't touch her lower down soon she thought she might explode. She reached inside his pyjamas and took hold of him. He filled her hand and she took a deep breath as she clamped around him, gently massaging and stroking him, pleased that she finally had the chance to make him feel as good as he had made her feel the other day. She looked at his face. His eyes were closed and she knew he was struggling to control himself. Their desire had been building for so long that both of them knew they were close to bursting already. She realised she needed to slow this down.

She removed her hands and placed them on his, now guiding him to her, letting him know that she wanted him to touch her. He obliged and he slipped his hand down and inside her clothes and started stroking her. She was teetering on the edge. She wanted him inside her, but at the same time she was terrified. She tried to ignore her fear and she pulled his hand away from her. She needed a break or this would be over in seconds. He thrust his tongue deep into her mouth and her desire for him started to take over again. She struggled to pull her pants down and she kicked them off her ankles. He did the same with his. Then he leaned into her, their underwear the only thing separating them now. She felt him pressed hard against her and she rocked against him, the movement stimulating and arousing her to a delirious state.

He brought his hand up to stroke her neck and he inadvertently pressed where the knife had been against her throat. Suddenly the flashback hit her. _He was pressing her against the wall, his penis bulging against her as he attempted to force himself into her. _She couldn't breathe. His weight had shifted on to her somehow and she felt pinned and trapped. She could feel him pressing into her through her underwear. She froze. _She knew he was going to actually rape her. This was it. _She felt her body tense with the anticipation. She couldn't move. Her throat wouldn't work. She couldn't get the words out. _Stop! Please stop! _This isn't him, it's Elliot, she weakly tried to tell herself, but he was still on her. _Why wouldn't he stop? _This couldn't be happening. It was Elliot, he loved her. He would never do this to her! Her heart was pounding and her fingers and toes were going numb. Her chest was so tight she wondered if she was actually dying. Was she having a heart attack? She stared straight at Elliot's face, willing him to open his eyes and realise that she needed him to stop. _Elliot. Look at me. Please. Stop! _Why wasn't her voice working? What was wrong with her? She desperately but silently pleaded with him to open his eyes. Her body was frozen like prey paralysed in a spider's web. She was floundering and the person she loved most in the world was about to rape her all over again.

**A/N. I just wanted to say thank you for the reviews. **


	24. Chapter 24: Survivor

24

Survivor

October 19

He was lost in the moment, lost in her. Then he realised she had stopped moving. He opened his eyes and instantly saw the absolute terror reflected in hers. He knew immediately that she was silently and desperately pleading with him to stop. He pulled himself away and sat upright, helping her to sit up too. It was then he noticed how fast she was breathing. Heartbroken, he realised she was having a panic attack. He hated himself in that moment more than he had ever hated anything in his life. How could he have done this to her? What on earth had he been thinking? She had been violently raped a week ago and he had thought it would be OK to have sex with her? It was unforgivable. He was deplorable.

He reached for her blouse on the floor beside the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders gently. "I am so sorry Liv," he said. "I am so so sorry." His eyes filled with tears and he was unable to prevent them falling. The intense horror he had felt at seeing that desolate expression on her face was all-consuming. He was devastated and furious with himself. She didn't reply and he realised he needed to help her focus on slowing down her breathing. She clutched at his arms as he tried to soothe her. "It's ok, Liv. Try to slow down your breathing. Breathe with me. Come on." He exaggerated his own breathing, trying to encourage her to follow his rhythm. She seemed to be trying to match him. "You're going to be OK. You're having a panic attack. Just breathe. It will pass in a few minutes." It seemed to be slowly working as her fear gradually abated. She released her vice-like grip and he pulled her to his chest, stroking her back, relieved to see that her breathing rate was slowing down significantly.

"My fingers are tingling," she said after a few minutes. He took her hands and gently massaged them for her. "El, it felt like…. I thought I was going to die," she said.

"You're not going to die," he said. "I promise."

"I'm so sorry," she said miserably. "I couldn't stop it."

"No, Liv. I'm the one who should be apologising. I feel terrible. I should never ever have let things go that far. Please forgive me." He kept his eyes down, refusing to look her in the face. She reached towards his face and raised his chin to make him meet her gaze.

"Elliot, I wanted you to touch me. I still do. It's just, I couldn't stop the flashback and then suddenly I felt trapped and it was like it was happening all over again, except I knew it was you and it wasn't really him. But I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't any more. I…I hate that I hurt you like this."

"You didn't. I should have known."

"I don't want to be like this, Elliot."

"You will get through this. We will get through this."

"I wanted to…"

"I know I know. You're just not ready yet. It's OK. It's OK," he soothed.

Now they were both crying, holding each other tightly, clinging to one another desperately. In normal circumstances Elliot rarely cried, but in a strange way it was comforting to be sharing their pain. It was probably one of the most intimate moments of his life so far. It was still unbearable to think of what had happened to her. Olivia didn't deserve this. She was a good person. Good people didn't deserve this kind of suffering. No one did.

They remained wrapped in each other's arms as their tears subsided, leaning back against the head board of the bed.

"I love you," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Liv."

"I love you too," she whispered back. "Please don't apologise."

She rested her head on his shoulder. She felt completely drained. At least her breathing and heart rate seemed normal again and the terrible weight that had been constricting her chest seemed to be lifted. The pins and needles in her hands had also dissipated. She'd never had a panic attack before and she hoped it wouldn't be something she'd experience ever again. It had been thoroughly terrifying.

After a little while Elliot suggested they get something to eat. She agreed despite knowing that she had zero appetite. She guessed she could nibble on a piece of toast or something. Elliot had other ideas though and started making bacon and eggs. She had followed him to the kitchen, still not ready to be alone.

"I don't think I can eat much," she said.

"It's ok. Just eat what you can," he replied sympathetically. He could see she was still extremely shaken up after her panic attack. He wondered if they ought to return to the therapist and get an emergency appointment. He doubted she would be keen on the idea. He was also embarrassed about the thought of the therapist finding out the reason for it. The important thing was that Olivia was OK, though. He cared more about that than his own discomfort. Her next appointment was on Monday though. Maybe it could wait until then?

He carried the eggs and bacon over to the table. He'd also made some toast and a pot of fresh tea. They sat down.

"Liv, if you're up for it, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the lake today, maybe hire a pedal boat or something?"

"That would be nice," she said. Some fresh air sounded appealing. "I was thinking we could go for another run too?"

"We can do that," he said. "We need to visit the supermarket too later. We're running out of food."

He watched her picking at her breakfast and again wondered how long her appetite would be affected like this. "You should think about what you want to eat Liv before we go shopping."

"OK," she said. It was impossible not to notice her indifferent tone.

She pushed her knife and fork together, obviously done with her breakfast. Elliot reached for her plate and moved the bacon and egg on to his own. He hated to waste food. She stood and walked over to the sink and began washing the dishes.

"You don't have to do that," he said.

"El!" Her tone said it all.

"I'm almost ready to go anyway," she said. "I already showered. You are still in your pyjamas!"

"I'll go and grab a quick shower," he said swallowing the last mouthful and handing her his plate to wash.

...

They had driven further up the lake, found some pedal boats to rent and were now drifting a fair distance away from the bank of the lake, enjoying the warm sunlight. Elliot knew that the weather could change any day now and it would get considerably colder. In fact it was warmer than usual for this time of year. He hadn't really thought too deeply about what they would actually do when the weather got colder. They would have to find something to keep them occupied or it would be a very dull couple of months. There was only so much running and walking you could do in a day. If it snowed, even that may become out of the question.

"Do you think about the cases still?" she asked, taking him a little by surprise. He hadn't been expecting that question.

"Yeah I do," he replied honestly.

"It never leaves you, does it?" she said.

"No, it doesn't!"

"Which one gets you the most?" she asked.

He looked at her sadly.

"Not me," she said quickly, immediately reading his mind. "Our cases, I mean, the ones we worked together."

He took a deep breath. He thought back. All of their cases had been hard one way or another. He was especially sensitive to anything involving children, given his own family status and of course the shooting in the precinct which had led to him leaving the force. Then there were those cases where he had been forced to confront his feelings for his partner. The times she had been stalked, the occasions she had been in grave danger, injured, facing wrongful imprisonment and then that awful moment at the airport where Porter had taken at shot at the guy holding her hostage and she had fallen to the ground and for those few seconds he had been terrified she had been hit.

He had rushed to her, taken her in his arms and he had known then just how much she really meant to him, even though he was unable to admit it was more than friendship or do anything about it. She had reassured him she was fine and he had cradled her head in a moment that they had never shared before or since, until now anyway. He knew they had crossed an unspoken boundary, but neither of them had mentioned it again and things had just gone on as usual. He had tried to put his feelings to the side, but it had been getting harder and harder. They were both good at ignoring things though. They had plenty of practice at that over the years of their partnership. He knew that had it not been for her he would have left SVU much earlier. His heart hadn't been in it for months, if not years. Jenna's shooting had been the final straw. He had known then that he couldn't do it any more, but leaving the SVU and the force meant leaving her.

At first he had been unable to face it. He knew by then that he was in love with her, but he was married. It was wrong. His marriage was everything to him. He needed to try and make it work. Maybe if he didn't see Olivia any more he could get things with Kathy back to how they were? He was terrified to contact Olivia, because he knew that if he did he would be unable to step away and since they were no longer partners there was no longer a legitimate excuse to spend time with her, which meant he wouldn't be able to hide his true feelings for her any longer.

He had tried hard with Kathy, but it had been impossible. He missed Olivia so much and couldn't get her out of his head. He soon realised that he and Kathy were truly over and he had got back in touch with Olivia, hoping and praying that she would understand and forgive him. He wasn't convinced that she had completely, but she had accepted him back in her life and he had been grateful.

He looked at her now, as she waited patiently for him to answer.

"You know, they all got to me, Liv," he said slowly. "But there was this one case, a little girl whose brother was killed and she was so desperate for attention. She latched on to you and you tried so hard to help her and eventually we just had to walk away. It was one of those cases where you realise that sometimes your best just isn't enough. I knew it was a lost cause but you continued to fight for her long after everyone else had given up and I watched you and I realised how jaded I had become. You were so passionate about helping every single victim and I knew that over time you would eventually become like me and it made me so sad."

Olivia was surprised. Of all the other horrendous cases they had worked together, this wasn't the one she would have thought he'd mention. It was also significant how much it revolved around her. She remembered the little girl and her desperate plea for help and she wondered how she was doing now. There had been so many. She wondered about them all.

"Elliot, I think I've had enough," she said. There was a tone of finality in her voice.

"You've done so much, Liv," he said. "You helped so many people."

"I can't imagine doing anything else."

"I know how you feel. I struggled for months before and after I made the decision to leave."

"Everything's changed now."

"Yes, it has."

"I'm…. I'm a victim aren't I?" She lowered her head. It was not something she wanted to accept.

"No you're not Liv," he said decisively, placing his hand on her knee firmly. "You're a survivor!" She rested her hand over his.

"I'm a survivor….?" she whispered hesitatingly.

"Yes you are!"

"I'm a survivor…" She repeated, trying desperately to sound convincing.


	25. Chapter 25: Suspicions

25

Suspicions

October 21

Elliot woke feeling chilly. The covers had slipped down and the temperature seemed to have dropped suddenly over night. He saw Olivia was still asleep beside him. He pulled up the bed covers, gently placing them over her shoulders to keep her warm. She didn't stir. He rolled onto his back, crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling. It was raining heavily outside. He doubted they'd be able to go for their usual run today. Even if it did stop raining the jogging track would be waterlogged.

It was Monday morning and almost 9:00am. Yesterday had been a good day. Olivia had surprised him by remembering his birthday and had insisted on making him breakfast. She had been in a positive mood all day, determined that he should enjoy the day. They'd gone for a run in the morning and in the afternoon they'd gone for a drive heading west towards Lake Placid, where they had strolled hand in hand enjoying the breeze, the scenery and each other's company. Afterwards she had insisted they eat out. They had found a small steak restaurant with private tables and it had been perfect. Once they'd arrived back in the cabin, they had curled up together on the sofa, shared a bottle of wine and talked about some of the things they wanted to do and places they wanted to go while they were staying up here. All in all it had been a great day and he appreciated the effort she had made for him immensely. He still felt tremendously guilty about what had happened the morning before but she hadn't mentioned it, so he didn't either.

He looked at her sleeping face. She really was beautiful, he thought. Her dark lashes rested against her cheeks, highlighting her delicate olive coloured skin. Her lips were slightly parted and she barely made a sound as she slept. He was still amazed that she was here beside him in bed. It still didn't seem real. He wanted her so much. He couldn't help but acknowledge that. He wanted to be touching her constantly. He reached towards her and brushed a strand of hair away from where it had fallen partly over her left eye. She moved slightly, but she settled back into sleep. Relieved he hadn't woken her, he decided to get out of bed and ring Cragen and see if there was any news on the case.

Cragen answered almost straight away, immediately enquiring after Olivia.

"She's doing OK, I think," Elliot told him. "It's very up and down still, but we went to therapy on Friday and she's got an appointment later on today too."

"That's great," said the Captain encouraged. Elliot didn't mention the conversation he had had with Olivia over the weekend about leaving the SVU. That wasn't his place. If that was to be her final decision, she would have to tell Cragen herself. Elliot knew Cragen would be sad to see her leave, but he also knew he would understand. She had been through so much and no one could be expected to go back to that job after that.

"So have there been any developments?" Elliot asked hoping that there would be some good news to report to Olivia when she awoke.

"Well Fin and Munch took a photo of Joe McLachlan to Myfanwy Evans and she made a positive ID. She insists he was the man with Pat Miller when she first met him that night a few months before she was assaulted. So we pulled both Mclachlans in for informal interviews over the weekend. Both brothers denied any knowledge of any rape and neither let on that they know anything about Pat Miller's disappearance."

"So they know you know it wasn't Miller in the car then?"

"Yes, they feigned great surprise of course. In fact I'm not entirely convinced Daniel McLachlan knew anything about it, but I'm fairly certain Joe did. He looked extremely uncomfortable when we brought it up."

"So they're both sticking to their stories?"

"Yes, for now. I am more than certain that Joe McLachlan is covering for Pat Miller. However, he got extremely upset when we accused Miller of rape. He looked genuinely disgusted and accused us of being obsessed with depravity. It was the only point of the interview where I actually believed him actually."

"Really? So if he genuinely didn't know anything about the rapes, maybe Miller spun him a yarn to get an alibi?"

"It's very likely. We're going to look more thoroughly into both the McLachlan brothers. During the course of the interview there were a few other things that came up that raised a couple of red flags. Joe McLachlan seems a lot flusher with cash than you'd think he would be, especially given the size and nature of the garage he owns. Munch is going through his financials with a fine tooth comb today."

"You suspect the garage is a front for something bigger?"

"Yes. And we've been talking to Pat Miller's neighbours and it appears that off-duty he has been consorting with some very unsavoury characters. We now strongly suspect corruption. If he was on the take and knew about any illegal activities Joe McLachlan might be involved with, then it would explain a lot. It is perfectly possible that he demanded the alibi without explaining exactly what it was for and the McLachlans went ahead and supplied him with one, no questions asked. If we can gather more evidence in Myfanwy Evans' rape case, we believe that we will be able to lean on them hard to provide information about Pat Miller. These guys seem like your regular run-of-the-mill small-time criminals and I don't think either of them is keen to be associated with any accusations of rape."

"It sounds like this Pat Miller was up to his eyeballs in it!" exclaimed Elliot, shocked. This case was turning out to be a lot more complicated than any of them had thought.

"It's staggering that we had this guy in our unit for three months and yet had no idea of any of this. It's not like he came to us with a glowing recommendation either. His last captain distinctly gave the impression that he was glad to see the back of him, but he said it was for personal reasons. Miller was arrogant and a bit full of himself, but there was no mention of any suspicions of something on this scale. He had always done his job well and seemingly by the book."

"I guess you can never really know someone!" said Elliot.

"I sometimes think I might be getting too old for this," said Cragen attempting to lighten the mood as the call was drawing to an end.

"Nah Captain," said Elliot, grinning. "You've got a few more years in you yet." Cragen smiled to himself. He missed Benson and Stabler. They were a good team. Two of his best in fact, he thought fondly. It was depressing how much this job had ended up costing them. The only consolation was that they had found each other.

"Well, better get back to it," he said. I'll hear from you tomorrow then?"

"Yes, probably around the same time."

"OK. Take care of her, Elliot. Oh and Elliot! Happy birthday, for yesterday!"

"Thanks," replied Elliot awkwardly, embarrassed but touched that his ex-captain had remembered.

They said their goodbyes and hung up.

Elliot headed to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, as he tried to get his head round all the information Cragen had given him. Police corruption was something that angered every honest hard-working cop out there, him included. This guy was seriously a piece of work, he thought. He sincerely looked forward to the day they caught him and locked him up for a long time, preferably for the rest of his life. He had a long list of charges awaiting him, so that likelihood was high at least.

He sat at the table. The coffee tasted good. A few moments later he heard Olivia enter the room and he turned to greet her.

"Hey," he said. "Sleep well?" He stood and went to her, reaching for her lower arm.

"Yes, thanks," she said. "Did I hear you on the phone? Did you speak to the Captain?"

"Yes, I'll tell you all about it! Would you like a drink?"

"Tea please," she said sinking into a chair. He quickly made the tea and brought it to her, telling her everything Cragen had told him in the process. She was as shocked as he was to hear the squad's suspicions.

"I can't believe I worked with this guy for three months and yet didn't have a clue about any of this… least of all that he was a rapist!" said Olivia emptily.

"Why would you suspect anything though? He was supposed to be on your side!"

"You had him figured out better than I did after just one meeting!" she said bitterly, remembering how Elliot and Miller had sparred that night in the pub back in August.

"I didn't have anything figured out," said Elliot sheepishly. "I'm afraid I was just jealous."

"You were?" she smiled at him teasingly, on one level enjoying how self-conscious he suddenly looked. "Well, you had nothing to worry about! My heart was with you from long before."

Now it was her turn to feel slightly uncomfortable. All this honesty was still awkward. It was hard to get used to the change after years of suppressing her feelings and holding back.

Elliot decided to change the subject fast. He regretted saying he was jealous. _Jealous of her rapist?_ That was hardly something she needed to hear! Luckily she didn't seem to be bothered by his near faux-pas.

"It's horrible weather," he said quickly. "I don't think we'll be able to run today." She looked disappointed.

"Anything in mind instead?" she asked.

"Don't forget we have to go up to Plattsburgh for your appointment this afternoon," he reminded her.

"Oh yeah," she groaned. It wasn't that she didn't want to attend the therapy, for she did. It was just so exhausting going over and over it.

"It'll be worth it," Elliot encouraged her. He understood her hesitance. He wasn't the biggest fan of therapists himself, even though he reluctantly realised the need for them. "We could head up there soon and get some lunch before your appointment, then maybe pick up some DVDs for tonight?"

"OK," she said. A night snuggled up with Elliot on the sofa sounded good. She knew she wouldn't be up for anything much more energetic than that.

"Do you fancy driving up there?" he offered. He knew she liked to get behind the wheel and as partners they had shared driving duties equally.

"You know what, maybe I will," she said, thinking it would be a nice distraction.

...

Her therapy session went relatively well. It wasn't quite as draining as the first one on Friday had been, but tiring all the same. At least there had been no need to explain everything that had happened from scratch this time. While she had been in there, Elliot had gone to the DVD store and then the supermarket. He was planning on making a lasagne that night. He was fairly confident that he could pull it off after all the years of watching Kathy, who was in his eyes the expert. Olivia liked the fact that Elliot knew his way somewhat around a kitchen. She felt a little embarrassed about her own complete lack of interest in anything domestic, but she supposed Elliot was fully aware of this side to her and had accepted her anyway. He had sometimes teased her about her lack of homemaking skills during their years as partners. She specifically remembered his feigned exasperated attitude towards her penchant towards relying on take-out for sustenance. Thinking back on moments like that, she realised that he had always cared about her.

She asked Elliot to drive back. She kept her hand on his thigh, wanting to feel close to him. She remembered there had been several occasions where they had been in the car, driving back from a case and she had longed to place her hand on him and feel connected to him. She tried to imagine what his reaction would have been had she actually done that. No doubt he would have been shocked and immediately demanded a new partner. She recognised that Elliot had needed time to accept that his marriage was over. It was a shame for her it had taken this long. She supposed that realistically she was too old to consider children now. Besides he probably felt he had enough with the five he had. It was something she thought about though. She wondered what it would be like to have his child and what that child would be like. She knew he was a wonderful father. She wondered what kind of mother she would be. Given the way her life had played out in a full circle, she wondered if maybe it was a good thing she hadn't had a child. She would never wish this on a potential daughter of hers.

She knew she was once again lost in her own thoughts on the journey back from therapy. Elliot didn't press her to talk. He patiently waited until she was ready. When they arrived back he busied himself in the kitchen, while she lay on the sofa, a book in her hand but not reading a single word on the page. Her mind was racing. Would it be like this every time she went up there? She thought therapy was supposed to help, but so far it just seemed to send her thoughts spiralling out of control. It was exhausting. Her therapist had said it would take time. She'd only had two sessions.

Elliot reappeared from the kitchen. He said he'd finished the lasagne and had placed it in the oven, waiting for it to brown. He sat down beside her on the sofa and took her feet and massaged her gently. Gradually she found herself relaxing, soothed by his touch. By the time the lasagne was ready she felt much calmer and looked forward to the rest of the evening with Elliot, the man she loved more intensely than she had ever thought possible.


	26. Chapter 26: Descent

26

Descent

25th October

It was just gone seven. Olivia had been lying awake since the nightmare had woken her more than three hours ago. Her mind was racing. In fact she felt weird. She could feel her heart beating in her chest and she couldn't stop wondering what it would feel like if it just stopped. Would it be painful? Would she know? Would she have to face several seconds or minutes knowing that her heart had stopped and that she was facing death, but unable to do anything about it? About an hour ago, she had thought it had actually stopped for a second. She wondered if that was what people were referring to when they talked about their heart skipping a beat. It was a horrible feeling. Once again she reached for her left wrist and felt for her pulse. It was soothing to feel the steady rhythm. It meant she was still alive.

She also had an intermittent pain in her abdomen. It felt a bit like hunger, except she couldn't face the thought of eating, so surely it wasn't that? Just imagining eating made her feel nauseous. In some ways the pain was comforting. Like taking her pulse it was a reminder that she was alive. Her tummy also felt bloated which was what made her think that maybe it was something other than just hunger. The bloating made her feel disgusting. She could feel her abdomen pushing out against her pyjamas and she longed for the flat stomach she had sported in her earlier years. She used to like the way she looked in her twenties and thirties.

It was Friday, which meant two weeks had passed now. It was depressing how time just went on relentlessly, carrying you forward even if you didn't want to go. If only she could go back and do that day again. She wouldn't have bothered to pick up her bag, or if she had, she would have been more observant and seen him come in and defended herself and prevented the attack. She'd have gone home, Elliot would have called her, they'd have gone out like he'd planned and he'd have told her he wanted them to be more than friends. A beautiful restaurant… a little bit of wine to help them relax and they'd have talked and laughed and had a carefree evening. He'd have walked her back home and she'd have invited him up. They'd have kissed on her sofa. They'd have told each other they wanted to be together. She wouldn't have slept with him straight away though. She would have taken her time, savouring the courtship.

They would have gone out on several dates; the zoo, museums, boat rides, skating, restaurants, day trips. Eventually they would have made love. It would have been perfect. Not perfect in the sense of a trashy romance novel, for she was fully aware that real sex was messy and it took time to get to know each other intimately. It would have been perfect only because it was him and her. They would have spent long nights exploring each other, finding out everything about each other, becoming as close as two people could get, becoming true lovers.

All of that had been cruelly stolen from them.

A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Why had it happened this way? Did she not deserve happiness? Did she not deserve a man in her life like everyone else? Was she being punished for something? She felt her intestines cramping again and she gritted her teeth waiting for the wave of pain to pass. This one had been stronger than the others. What if there was something seriously wrong with her? No, don't be so melodramatic, she told herself. More tears were rolling down her cheeks. She peered over at Elliot. His eyes were closed. She suddenly wanted to hear his voice, feel his touch. She couldn't wake him though, could she? He had told her to do so if she needed him and she definitely needed him now. She felt her stomach clenching with nerves as she contemplated waking him. Would he be mad? No, of course he wouldn't. He had shown her nothing but love and patience since this had happened. Would he think she was weak though? That was what she couldn't stand. She was terrified he had lost all respect for her. Surely he hadn't though? They had been partners for over a decade. He knew her better than anyone else she had ever known.

She decided to do it. She placed her arm on his and whispered, "Elliot." He moved slightly, so she whispered again, this time a little louder. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. She felt a wave of guilt for having woken him, but he immediately took her in his arms and held her like she had wanted. Had he seen her tears? He must have.

"How long have you been awake?" he asked.

"A while," she said.

"You should have woken me earlier," he replied gently. He wiped her cheeks with his hand and kissed her head. She basked in his attention.

"Did you have another nightmare?" he asked.

"A while ago," she replied. He nuzzled up to her, the sides of their faces touching. "Elliot…"

"What is it, sweetheart?" he murmured. She used to hate that term, but coming from him it was nice.

"I wish we could go back," she said forlornly.

"Me too," he sighed.

"I mean, to that night, to what would have happened if I hadn't have been raped." He winced as she said the word. It was still so hard to hear. "Tell me, Elliot. Tell me again what we would have done."

"I was going to take you to a nice little Italian place," he said, his voice low. She closed her eyes, enjoying the image.

"What would you have said?" she asked.

"I… I don't know."

"Please. Tell me."

"I would have told you how beautiful you looked and how much I enjoyed spending time with you," he said suddenly. Maybe this wasn't as hard as he thought it would be.

"And then?" she asked.

"And then I would have taken your hand and told you…. told you that I…that I wanted to kiss you."

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "I would have liked that," she said. Again she had fresh tears threatening to fall.

Elliot felt his own eyes beginning to dampen. This was heartbreaking. He thought he understood though. He felt the same way. They had been cheated of a happy beginning to their relationship.

"Liv," he said suddenly. "Why don't we start again? Let me take you to dinner, like I planned that night. Let me ask you out?" She looked up at him, longing in her eyes. She nodded.

"I would really like that, Elliot."

"We can pretend it's our very first date." He was getting excited about the prospect now.

"Are you sure you don't think it is silly?" she asked hesitatingly.

"No, I don't," he replied. "I think it's a wonderful idea! Only, Liv…. I want you to promise me something…"

He looked at her intently. He could already tell she must have lost a considerable amount of weight in the last couple of weeks. Her eyes looked sunken and he could swear her bones were protruding more than they had before. It had been two weeks and she had barely been eating. She needed to start eating again soon, or he was worried she would start to get really ill.

"What is it, El?" she asked.

"I want you to eat, Liv," he said quietly but firmly. "Please, promise me, you'll start eating more."

She pulled away a little. "I am eating!" she protested. "I admit, I don't have much appetite lately, but I'm trying."

"I know," he pulled her back into his arms. She didn't resist. "I know you are, but I want you to try a little more, for me... please. I'm worried about you"

"You really don't have to be," she insisted. "I needed to lose a bit of weight anyway. I put a fair bit on right before this happened actually."

"Liv, you are beautiful the way you are. You don't need to lose any more weight." He was discouraged to see her shifting uncomfortably. "I'm serious Liv. I'm just asking you to try and eat a little bit more, that's all. We can slowly work on building your appetite back up."

"Fine," she said sharply.

"Liv, don't be angry with me."

"I'm not," she said. "I just think you're making a mountain out of a molehill."

"I love you," he said. "I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me!" she replied, rolling her eyes. Why was he being so melodramatic about this? She glanced at him and immediately recognised the genuine concern in his eyes. She took a deep breath, feeling guilty for making him worry. "I'll eat OK! I promise!" She would promise him anything if it would prevent him from feeling hurt.

"OK," he said relieved he seemed to have got through to her.

"You shouldn't say that though!" she said, smiling mischievously at him.

"What?" he asked.

"That you love me!" she said. "You haven't even asked me out yet!"

"Oh it's like that is it?" he said suddenly tickling her.

"Stop it!" she shrieked, a little embarrassed that she had given away just how ticklish she was. He chuckled, then took her back in his arms and held her again.

"I'm getting up," she announced, pulling herself away. "Let's go for a run, El!"

"It's barely light!" he exclaimed. This running thing was starting to become a bit of an obsession with her lately. He had no idea where she got all her energy from given her limited intake of food.

"Come on," she insisted. "You're not going to make me go alone are you?"

"Of course not!" he said. "Fine, let's go!"

...

They had been running for around twenty minutes, when suddenly she stopped and doubled over, clutching her abdomen.

"Liv! What's wrong?" he asked her, placing his arm around her back to support her, the concern etched onto his face.

"It's nothing," she said between gritted teeth. "I've been having some cramps - that's all."

"Your period?" he asked awkwardly.

"Maybe," she lied, knowing full well that she wasn't due for another week. She had just finished her last period when she had been assaulted.

"Do you want to sit down?"

"No, I'll be fine. It's passing now."

"Liv, you shouldn't push yourself!"

"I'm fine!"

"Yeah right," he muttered under his breath, watching as she winced again. "Another one?"

"Yeah," she said. "Maybe we should sit down for a few minutes."

He led her to the side of the jogging track where there was a log which they could perch on. He helped her down.

"Is that better?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Liv, maybe we should take you to see a doctor?"

"No, I'm fine." The last thing she wanted to do was spend hours in a hospital waiting room.

"Look, we are due to go to do your follow-up tests anyway, so we can get you checked out at the same time," he suggested.

"El, please… stop fussing. I told you I'm fine, why won't you believe me?"

"…Because you always play things down…you have ever since I've known you!"

Olivia had to admit that was true. She hated to be seen as inferior to anyone else in her mostly male-dominated profession and she had taken pride in the fact that she rarely took a sick day. The only times she could remember actually taking one were those days she had been forced to by her well-meaning, but irritating, Captain.

"I promise, if it gets any worse, I will go," she said. "It's just, you know I hate hospitals. I don't want to go unless it's really necessary."

"OK," he agreed. It was frustrating just standing by watching her try to put a brave face on everything. Why wouldn't she just give in and admit she was only human, like the rest of the population on the planet! He knew he secretly admired her for her strength and stubbornness, but he was worried sick about her. It's only been two weeks, he told himself. She just needs time.

Surprisingly she agreed to forgo the rest of the run and they walked back slowly, arm in arm. She didn't seem to have any more severe cramps on the walk back but he could tell she was in some discomfort. When they arrived back at the cabin, she curled up on the sofa hugging her knees to her chest, refusing to move. After twenty minutes he decided enough was enough.

"Liv, I really think we ought to go and see a doctor. No arguments this time."

"OK," she agreed miserably.

His stomach was knotted with fear. Had she just agreed to go to the hospital? It must be worse than he had thought. He should have insisted they not go on that silly run and he should have taken her earlier. What on earth could be wrong with her? He daren't even imagine and instead just focused on getting her to and into the car. He clutched her hand firmly once before he started the engine and then he headed towards the nearest hospital, trying not to allow his mind to take him to the dark places it was attempting to lead him.


	27. Chapter 27: Discomfort

**Warning: EDs discussed.**

27

October 25

This was her third hospital visit in two weeks, she thought as they made their way across the car park towards the ER. In the car the cramping and pain had subsided a little and she had begged Elliot to turn around and take her back, but he had refused and insisted on them coming 'just to be on the safe side'. She knew he was worried and cared about her, but it was a little irritating how he seemed to think he had the right to tell her what to do. The look in his eyes though, when he had pleaded with her to get checked out had convinced her to just go along with it. If it made him feel better, then she would subject herself to yet another examination.

The hospital was luckily not too busy and so the waiting room wasn't as full as she had dreaded it might be. She had thumbed a couple of magazines, but mostly she had stared at the door watching who came in and out, silently calculating how much of a threat they posed and watching for anything suspicious. Part of her knew she was being ridiculous, but she was not going to slip up and be taken unawares ever again if she could help it. .

At one point a man had come in and she had felt the adrenaline turn her stomach and quicken her heart rate. For a brief second he looked just like _him_ but she quickly realised his hair colour and facial features were different. She had clutched Elliot's arm tightly and he had looked up from his magazine, scanned the room and seen the guy Olivia was staring intently at.

"You OK?" he whispered to her. She nodded quickly, loosening her grip and feeling embarrassed. He squeezed her shoulders supportively and she took a deep breath. Her heart rate slowed and she went back to staring at the door and intermittently scanning the room. Elliot must think she was nuts. What was she doing here? She should have insisted they go back. This was a huge mistake. She stood up. Elliot rose to his feet too.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Back!" she said. "I'll drive myself if I have to."

"Liv, we're here now. Please."

"It's taking too long. I hate sitting around. I'm feeling much better now. I'll be fine. It's probably nothing!"

"Olivia Benson!"

She started. A nurse holding a chart was looking at her. Shit. What spectacular timing! She debated leaving anyway, but Elliot started pulling her towards the nurse and grudgingly she allowed him to. It'll be over soon, she told herself. They'll soon realise it's nothing and send me home.

"Hello Mrs Benson," smiled the nurse.

"Miss!" said Olivia, although a small part of her liked the fact that this nurse had obviously assumed she and Elliot were married.

"Sorry, Miss Benson," apologised the nurse. "Come this way."

"Look, I feel much better now and I'd hate to waste your time…" she began. She caught Elliot's look and stopped.

"Well you're here now," said the nurse cheerfully. "Let's check you over."

What chance did she have with two of them hounding her? She reluctantly followed the nurse into a cubicle and perched herself on the bed as instructed.

"So tell me why you're here," asked the nurse. Olivia remained silent.

"She's been having abdominal pains," explained Elliot. "Bad ones, but it appears they come and go."

"I see. Can you describe the pain Miss Benson?"

"Olivia," she said.

"OK, Olivia."

"It's painful," she said acrimoniously.

"When did it start?" asked the nurse, cheerfully ignoring Olivia's uncooperative attitude.

"This morning… I woke at around 4:00am and the pain has been on and off since then."

Elliot sighed. Why hadn't she mentioned this to him? There was no way he would have agreed to them going out on a run if she had.

"Do you have any other symptoms?"

"A slight headache," she admitted. Once again Elliot looked at her frustrated. Another thing she hadn't mentioned. Why did she always have to try and be so strong?

"I need to take your temperature and blood pressure," said the nurse, handing Olivia a thermometer. She turned to pull the nearby trolley a little closer.

"Have you had any abdominal issues before?"

"No," replied Olivia.

"Liv," Elliot said, taking her hand and looking straight into her eyes. "The nurse needs to know everything." He hated seeing her despondent expression, the wretchedness in her eyes, but they needed to know, especially for the examination by the doctor. She would need sensitivity. She nodded. Elliot recognised that she couldn't face explaining herself.

"Nurse, she was seriously sexually assaulted two weeks ago," he said, his voice neutral as he tried to block out the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. "She was raped." He hated those words so much.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," said the nurse sympathetically, touching Olivia's hand gently.

Elliot decided he liked this nurse. She seemed genuinely kind, compassionate and was being so patient with Olivia.

"She hasn't been eating properly since it happened," he explained. Olivia lowered her head.

"I see," said the nurse. "Look, I'll go and see if I can speed up your examination in a minute Olivia. I know this can't be easy for you."

"Thank you," said Elliot gratefully. Olivia just stared at her knees.

"I just need to ask a few more questions first though." She was interrupted by the thermometer beeping. She reached for it.

"No temperature," she said.

Good, thought Olivia. That was one less thing to potentially keep her here any longer than necessary.

The nurse started applying the strap to her arm to take her blood pressure.

"Do you have any allergies to any medications?" she asked.

"No."

"Are you on any medications now?"

"No." She had refused the medication that her therapist had offered her, deciding to try and see if she could get along without first. She had promised her therapist that she would consider it if things got worse or even didn't get any better soon.

"Do you know how much you weigh?"

"No, not exactly."

"OK, well we can get you weighed afterwards."

The nurse fell silent as she concentrated on taking the blood pressure measurements.

"Hmm, 90 over 54," she said. "It's slightly on the low side. Have you been having any dizziness?"

"No." Olivia was getting tired of the constant stream of questions. When was the doctor going to arrive? She wanted this to be over.

The nurse seemed to sense her discomfort. "I'll go and find the doctor," she said and she disappeared.

"You're doing great," said Elliot. "It won't be long now." Olivia didn't reply. She was feeling mildly irritated with him for effectively forcing her through this. She didn't pull away though as he reached for her arm, running his hand up and down comfortingly. She knew she couldn't really be mad at him for long.

"Are we still on for our date tonight?" she asked.

"Let's see what the doctor says first," Elliot replied. His plan had been to take her home and get her to rest, preferably in bed. He knew he'd have his work cut out for him convincing her though.

The nurse returned.

"The doctor will see you in a couple of minutes Olivia," she said. "I just need to ask a couple more questions. What have you eaten today?"

I don't know," she replied. "Some toast and some coffee maybe."

"She barely touched her toast this morning," Elliot said quickly. She flashed him a glare. He ignored her. "She barely touches any food lately," he added.

"When was your last bowel movement?"

Olivia cringed with embarrassment. Why was she being subjected to this humiliation? Whose business was it anyway? It was certainly not Elliot's! She glanced at him and saw he looked slightly uncomfortable himself. She then looked at the nurse and realised she was still waiting for an answer. Her mouth was dry.

"Erm, I can't remember," she said. After she'd said it, she realised it was actually true. Who really took count anyway?

"I'm sorry Olivia. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but it might be important. OK, last question for now. When was your last menstrual cycle?"

"Three weeks ago," she said. For some reason she felt less awkward discussing her cycle than her other bodily functions. Poor Elliot! She wondered if he'd known beforehand exactly what he was getting into when he decided he wanted to be with her, whether he would have been so keen to get this involved. Although to be fair he was here, sticking by her. She knew he genuinely cared about her.

The nurse was busy scribbling in her chart when the curtains suddenly parted and a tall man who looked like he was in his early thirties appeared. Olivia felt her heart sink. She had hoped it would be a female doctor, or at the very least someone older with more experience.

"Hi Miss Benson, I'm Doctor Salford… I understand you have been having some abdominal pain."

She nodded. She didn't bother to correct the doctor regarding her name. She just wanted this over with as fast as possible.

"May I feel your tummy?" he asked gently. Olivia cringed. No doubt he had been informed of her status as a rape victim. He looked like he was walking on egg shells, as awkward as could be. She hated being treated differently. All she needed was a bit of warning before he laid his hands on her, nothing else.

The nurse helped her lie down and lifted up her top gently, taking extra care not to expose her bra whilst the doctor put on some surgical gloves.

"I'm going to feel your tummy now Miss Benson," he said.

"She likes Olivia," said the nurse, seeing Olivia flinch slightly as he said her name.

"OK, Olivia. Sorry if my hands feel cold." Olivia stiffened as she waited for the doctor to complete his examination. He pressed and asked her if it hurt. Mostly it didn't. Only in one place, it made her cry out slightly. Elliot squeezed her hand immediately. He hadn't left her side.

"OK, Olivia. I'm going to order some blood tests and a urine test for now. We'll see if anything shows up and then decide if you need any more tests."

She pulled her top down and Elliot helped her sit back up.

The nurse then weighed her, took her blood and ushered her into a bathroom handing her a cup to pee in. After that she was sent back to wait in the cubicle.

...

"We have your blood and urine test results," announced the doctor almost as soon as he reappeared in her cubicle about half an hour later. "You were positive for ketones in your urine and your blood tests showed you are slightly anaemic with low levels of several vital minerals. I suspect your abdominal cramping is part of the same problem, which is that you aren't eating enough. Basically your body is in starvation mode."

Olivia looked down at her knees, picking at the seam in her pants.

"Doctor Salford, it's not that she doesn't want to eat," said Elliot. "It's that she can't. She has no appetite and eating makes her feel nauseous."

"It's no doubt directly related to the traumatic experience she's suffered. I would recommend a psych consult."

"No!" Olivia was adamant. "I'm already seeing a therapist. I will talk to her. I don't want to talk to anyone else."

"You need to make sure you get on top of this," the doctor looked at Elliot pointedly as he spoke. "Many rape victims end up suffering from eating disorders..."

"I don't have an eating disorder!" Olivia said indignantly, ignoring the 'victim' comment. "How is that even possible in just two weeks anyway?"

"You aren't eating. That is a problem," stated the doctor.

"It's not an eating disorder. I'm not deliberately starving myself. I'm not obsessing over my weight. I'm not trying to be stick thin."

"Olivia, no one is trying to accuse you of anything," Elliot said gently. "We just want you to be well."

"I'll eat. I'll eat…. for goodness sake!" She banged her hand down on the bed in frustration.

"I think you'd benefit from some IV fluids," said the doctor. I'll prescribe some iron too. I think we should do some follow up tests, just to rule out anything else, although as I said I suspect the abdominal pain is due to your not eating. I'm ordering an ultrasound and an X-ray of your abdomen. I think you should consider staying in the hospital for a few days so we can provide intravenous fluids and get your ketones back to normal."

"No! No way! I'm not staying in the hospital."

"Liv, you should think about it at least." Elliot was finding this all very difficult. He hadn't been expecting them to suggest her staying in and so it was a significant shock.

"No Elliot. I can't." Her brown eyes stared straight into his, pleading with him to agree with her.

"Well talk about it and let me know what you decide," said the doctor disappearing out of the cubicle, no doubt to see another patient.

The nurse turned to Olivia. "You really should consider staying in. It would just be for a couple of days. It would make you feel much better."

"I can't. No. I'm not staying here. Elliot. Please, I want to go home." _Please don't leave me here._

Elliot glanced apologetically at the nurse.

"OK Olivia," said the nurse. It's your choice.

"Thank you," she replied. She was starting to get agitated. What did that young doctor know anyway? He was barely out of med school. She was fine. She had been through bad cases at work before where she had barely eaten for days and nothing bad had ever come of it. She would go home and try and eat a little more. She was convinced everyone was just making this into something bigger than it really was because they couldn't get over the fact she had been raped. It was simply a case of 'let's save the poor rape victim' or something.

Olivia sank back on the bed. She did feel tired. The bed was nowhere near as comfortable as the one back in the cabin, especially with Elliot beside her, holding her safe in his arms. There was no way she could stay in the hospital, away from him. She needed to be near him. The thought briefly flashed through her head that maybe he would be glad of the break. It couldn't be fun for him to have her glued to his side twenty four hours a day.

"I'm kind of glad you're not staying, you know," said Elliot. "Even though I think you probably should."

"I'll be fine El," she said.

He took her hand and kissed it, hoping that was true, longing for the day when he could see her completely happy and healthy again, wondering how far away that realistically was.


	28. Chapter 28: Confession

28

Confession

Friday October 25

It was getting dark already when they finally left the hospital. They had spent the whole afternoon there. Her X-ray and ultrasound were thankfully clear and she had been given two bags of IV fluids and in addition an iron injection. The doctor had suggested it might be better than oral tablets given her adversity to food and complaint of nausea. She was adamant that she wouldn't stay in overnight, so they had been told to return on Monday for a repeat urine test. He hoped they had made the right decision. The doctor was hinting that if there was no improvement by Monday they might be more insistent about her staying in. The second the doctor was out of earshot, Olivia had told him there was no way she would be staying anywhere but the cabin. He was torn. He wondered if maybe he should have tried harder to convince her. He believed she would try and eat now though, especially given how much she was against going into the hospital and he wanted to give her the chance to avoid making this whole ordeal even more traumatic.

Once they were in the car Elliot knew he needed to tell her about the two phone calls he had made while he had slipped off to the bathroom at one point. Firstly he had rung Kathy. He was supposed to be arranging to meet Eli at some point over the weekend and as much as it broke his heart to disappoint his son, he didn't feel he could leave Olivia and he knew she wasn't up for a ten hour round trip back to the city. Kathy had offered to meet them half way and he had thanked her and suggested maybe the following weekend would be better. He had promised to Skype his son tomorrow to explain and apologise. Kathy understood, but his five year old may not be quite as understanding. He would have to make it up to him somehow.

Olivia had seemed upset when he had told her. She was worried about being the reason for him not seeing his son. He had told her that it wasn't a problem, that these were exceptional circumstances and that Kathy understood and so would Eli. She had seemed to accept it but he could tell she was still uncomfortable with it. What other option was there though? He couldn't leave her.

The other call was to Cragen. Firstly he had wanted to let him know how Olivia was. Given how his former captain had been keeping him informed about their hunt for Pat Miller, he felt he owed it to him to keep him abreast of Olivia's general condition. The Captain had been concerned when he heard about the latest trip to the hospital. Elliot had kept some of the details back, but the Captain was astute and he knew that Elliot was extremely worried. He had told him to make sure that if things got any worse that he wouldn't take no for an answer and he'd take her straight back to the hospital.

Secondly, since with one thing and another he hadn't called since Monday to find out how the case was going, he wanted an update before the weekend.

There had been an interesting development. The team had looked into Joe McLachlan's finances and garage business more thoroughly and their suspicions had been confirmed. He was definitely living beyond his means. Munch and Fin had returned to the garage and a minimal amount of snooping had led them to Toby Navarro, who had been working out the back on a stolen car. It was brazen, obviously a result of their belief that they were untouchable. Navarro had been arrested and taken to the precinct where he had broken down, distraught that he had let his family down. He explained that he had a wife and young son to support, money had been tight and so he had been sucked into McLachlan's illegal side business for the money and that it was something he now regretted whole-heartedly. Initially he had flat-out refused to say anything against his boss, seemingly too afraid of retaliation, but the offer of a deal for his eventual testimony and police protection during the trial had convinced him to talk.

He had provided a statement saying that Pat Miller often used to come around the garage and had turned a blind eye on any illegal activities in exchange for payment. He also kept the authorities off McLachlan's back. Their worst fears proved true. Pat Miller had been as corrupt as they come and according to Navarro, McLachlan wasn't the only one he was involved with. In fact the more significant revelation was that Navarro had mentioned off the record that Pat Miller seemed to be in thick with a local known face, Nigel Dockerty and that tensions had been high between them over the last couple of months or so.

They had discovered that Nigel Dockerty was well known to the local police. He owned several legal clubs but was suspected of numerous illegal activities but so far no one had been able to pin anything on him. He had friends everywhere, inside and out and was heavily protected. Now it seemed that Pat Miller had been one of his allies. It was a sure fact that there were more on the inside. Someone like Dockerty wouldn't have been able to last this long without a collar without several friends in high places. It explained why Navarro was refusing to say anything against him officially. Potential witnesses against Dockerty had a mysterious habit of turning up dead or sometimes just disappearing altogether.

The team planned to find out more about Dockerty and Miller's connection and see if there was a link between this and his disappearance. If Dockerty and Miller had fallen out, then it could be that Miller's supposedly fatal accident had been staged for Dockerty's benefit. They were now desperately waiting for the CSU's final report on exactly how the accident had occurred.

As they drove back Elliot explained all of this to Olivia, who listened quietly. She didn't seem as responsive as he had expected her to be. In fact she seemed to be finding it hard to concentrate. He guessed she was likely exhausted after the long afternoon in the hospital.

"Are you OK?" he asked.

"I'm tired," she admitted.

"I'm sorry. I should have left it. We can talk about it later or tomorrow if you like."

"Thanks El." She leaned her head on the seat head rest, turning slightly towards him and closing her eyes.

Elliot fell silent, allowing her to rest. She looked as though she might fall asleep. It was another small indication that she wasn't herself. She wasn't a dozer in the car usually. On all their journeys and stake outs in the car together during their years as partners they had always talked, sometimes for hours, often about the cases but also about everything else under the sun. It was one of the things he loved about her. She was so easy to talk to and she took a genuine interest in things and what was happening in the world. Their conversations had never been boring.

He wondered if it would disturb her if he put a CD on. He decided to risk it, but put the volume down low. She didn't even flinch. He looked at the clock on the dashboard. He guessed it would take another twenty minutes or so to get back to the cabin, although he wanted to swing by the local supermarket on the way back. He pondered whether he should wake her or just leave her in the car while he quickly rushed in to get the things they needed. What if she woke while he was gone?

In the end she stirred when he pulled into the supermarket car park. He told her where he was going and she stayed in the car. He promised he would be quick and locked the doors behind him.

By the time he returned she was wide awake and seemed nervous. It was one of the things he hated most about rape, aside from the horror of the actual ordeal itself. It was the constant fear that remained well after the actual event which was so devastating and the fact that formerly independent women were left thoroughly terrified and scared to be alone, even scared in their own home. Rape was a crime which had repercussions that went beyond anything else. In his mind it was one of the worst acts of violence that existed.

The thought of his brave and confident ex-partner potentially spending the rest of her life terrified was agonizing. He hated Pat Miller with an intensity he had never felt before. He had been truly repulsed by some of the monsters he had faced during his years as a police officer, but this was different. This was personal. An attack against the woman he loved was as though it was an attack directly against him. He still couldn't forgive himself for somehow not preventing it, even though he knew that there had been absolutely nothing he could have done. It didn't stop him imagining all kinds of scenarios where he had 'rescued' her though. His biggest wish was that he had stayed around that night in the pub and seen her home safely himself. Maybe if he had looked out for her properly then, that creep wouldn't have got near her and never would have become fixated on her like he had?

He was just glad she wanted him with her now, for he would have understood if she had never wanted another man anywhere near her again for as long as she lived. He vowed again to himself that he would never let any man touch her again or even get near enough to threaten her. She deserved to feel safe and loved and he would try and ensure that she did. His love for her was unequivocal.

He unlocked the car, placed the shopping bags on the back seat and then got in, released her seatbelt and took her into his arms, holding her firmly, not saying a word, but letting her know with his actions exactly how he felt. She leaned against him, her head against his chest, resting just below his left shoulder.

"Sorry it took so long," he said, stroking the hair on the back of her head.

She revelled in his touch. It felt so good when he held her. How many times had there been during their partnership where she had longed to reach out for him, have him take her in her arms, stroke her hair like this, tell her everything was OK, that the depravity they dealt with on a daily basis was the exception, not the rule? They went through the same traumatic experiences day in day out. They understood how each other felt. They knew how every new victim chipped another tiny piece away from their hearts. Every once in a while there would be that case where it felt like finally her heart had been completely and irreparably broken and she doubted she could carry on. All it took was a slight brush against his hand or arm, a knowing smile, a phone chat in the early hours whilst the rest of the world slept, or a silent coffee, where they would sit side by side, saying nothing but communicating everything and she would take strength from that and know she could in fact go on. She had always wished for more, but in some ways she already had so much.

Now he was here, holding her in his arms and it helped, it truly did and she was so grateful that he was here. The emotion overwhelmed her. She could feel her tears building. Then they came relentlessly. She was shocked at how hard she started crying. It was a mixture of regret, loss, sadness, agony, love and gratitude. She hid her face in his shoulder, clutched at his arms and her body heaved as she cried. He held her tightly, rubbing her back, stroking her hair and his touch, although welcome, just made her cry even harder.

"Liv, talk to me," she heard him say desperately, but she couldn't. She was too overwhelmed to speak. She just continued clutching him, as though she never wanted to let him go.

Eventually her tears subsided and she gradually started to feel calmer.

"Liv," he whispered again. "Talk to me."

She turned her head slightly and looked at him as she spoke, her gaze sincere and unfaltering.

"I love you."

Three heartfelt words. They meant the world to him. He kissed her forehead feeling his own tears now forming as he whispered them back to her.

"I love you too."


	29. Chapter 29: Friday night

29

Friday night

October 25

As soon as they arrived back at the cabin, Elliot went straight to work preparing the vegetables for the salad while Olivia went to take a shower. The thought had flashed through his mind that it would be great to join her, but he guessed that might be a little too much. He longed for the day when he could hopefully relax more around her and not have to worry about inadvertently triggering a flashback and upsetting her. He completely understood that this was going to take time, but he didn't have to like it. He was glad he could be there for her though. She deserved his unwavering support and he hoped she knew just how much he loved her.

He thought back to their conversation yesterday and how they had planned on having a meal together and him officially asking her to 'date' him. They seemed to have skipped straight to the living together part and their status of being in a relationship had been mostly implied rather than explicitly spoken about, although they had of course said they loved each other. It was more complicated than the words implied though. Love was possibly a legitimate emotion for them both, purely as a result of their long partnership and friendship. It was also impossible to forget that part of the reason they had told each other their feelings was due to her attack and his desire to show her how much he cared and her need for that right now. He thought it was a good idea to have the official conversation and get a clear idea of exactly where they stood. He didn't want her to think that he had only told her he loved her because of her attack when the truth was that he'd adored her for a while and had just been trying to build up his confidence enough to tell her.

There was also a small part of him that couldn't help worrying if her assault was influencing her feelings towards him right now. He would support her and be by her side regardless, but it might be possible that her distress had led her to believe she felt something more for him than she actually did. He didn't think that was the case, but it was still a doubt that niggled at him all the same. This was why, even though she had asked him to, he was still nervous to come out and actually ask her to be his 'girlfriend'. It surprised him how nervous he felt, when really the answer was more than likely going to be yes. He still imagined a scenario where his question would make her think and realise that she wasn't as in love with him as she thought.

Once he had finished preparing the salad, he placed a pizza in the oven. They were just having a light dinner. He didn't want to overwhelm her with a heavy meal. He wanted to encourage her to eat slowly without too much pressure and hopefully she would build her appetite back up and they'd get over this hurdle and be ready to face the next whatever that may be.

He heard the sound of the shower door opening. She must have finished. He went towards the bathroom and called out to her to ask if he could get her a hot drink or anything. She asked for some tea and he went back to the kitchen to make her some.

She appeared a few minutes later, her hair damp and wearing her pyjamas, which in fact consisted of some leggings and a vest top.

"I didn't think there was much point putting clothes on," she said looking slightly self-conscious.

"Definitely," he agreed. He was glad she was comfortable enough around him to where whatever she liked and besides she looked amazing. Although that said, he thought she looked amazing in anything. She slid up to him and put her arms around him shyly. He took her in his and hugged her warmly. "It won't be long now," he said, nodding towards the oven. He released his grip and reached for her tea to hand to her.

"Thanks," she said gratefully, taking it and warming her hands with the cup.

"Are you feeling chilly?" he asked.

"Not really. The evenings and mornings are definitely getting cooler though, aren't they?"

"You should put a cardigan on," he said.

"Yeah maybe I will," she said, shuffling off towards the bedroom to find one.

When she returned she helped him set the table.

"Do you want some wine?" he asked her.

"A little would be nice," she said. He produced a bottle of rosé from the fridge and uncorked it expertly and handed it to her to pour.

By the time she had finished the pizza was ready and after slicing it and placing it on a serving plate they both sat down at the table.

Thanks El," she said. "This looks great." She reached for a slice of pizza and helped herself to a little salad. He was glad she was making the effort. Aside from the obvious concern he had for her health, he wasn't too keen on the thought of her staying in the hospital for another reason; he didn't want to be apart from her either. He liked holding her in his arms at night. He remembered that this was supposed to be a date and he put his fork down and raised his wine glass towards her.

"To the most beautiful woman I know," he said watching her as her cheeks flushed slightly red with embarrassment at the compliment.

"Erm to you too…the most amazing man I know," she said, struggling a little with how cheesy she thought that must sound." He grinned at her and they clunked glasses. She took a large mouthful, glad of the distraction.

"Olivia," he said, placing his glass back on the table and reaching forward and taking her hand.

"I want to tell you something." He stared into her eyes intensely. She stared back ignoring the initial instinct to look away and instead searching inside his eyes, reading the intensity and love there. She felt a ripple of nerves jolt through her stomach and she felt the blood rush to her lower body, leaving her in no doubt of her feelings towards him. It was astonishing to her that one look from him had the ability to affect her like this. She hadn't felt this feeling for years. In fact she wondered if she ever had before. Elliot moved her in ways she couldn't put words to.

Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded and he began running his fingers over her hand. She took a deep breath, trying to disguise the fact she was doing so by making it long and slow.

"I really like being with you, Olivia," he said. "You get me like no one else does. You're beautiful, kind, passionate, intelligent and I adore everything about you. I want to ask you to officially be my girlfriend. I love you and I want to be with you."

Olivia tried to take in his words. It was almost too good to be true. She had never imagined this moment with him quite like this. It was perfect. The amazing thing was that for once she was hearing a man tell her he wanted to be with her and running was the last thing on her mind.

"El, I…" she stopped as she felt the tears forming and threatening to overwhelm her. She cursed herself for them. She was so happy he had just said this to her, so why was she crying? She blinked furiously, trying to force them away.

"El, I really like being with you too," she managed to say. It gave her the confidence to continue. "You get me too. You're here for me like no one ever has been and you make me feel so…." She looked at him. She wasn't any good at this. "So… special," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm no good at this. I just… I want to be with you too, El."

Still holding her hand, he slid his chair around the table so he could come up close. "May I kiss you?" he asked. She nodded and he leaned in.

After they pulled apart, he slid back round to his place to finish eating.

"I'm taking you out on a date tomorrow!" he announced.

"You are?" she said with a smile.

"Yes, I am," he said.

"I'm looking forward to it," she said.

After they had finished eating, they snuggled up on the sofa together. She lay with her head in his lap and her feet hanging off the end of the sofa. He was stroking her hair gently and she loved the feel of his hands running over her head. He had put a CD on low. It was Jeff Buckley. They had been chatting a little about their plans for the following day, but when Hallelujah started playing, they both fell silent, listening to the music. Elliot leaned down and started kissing her again and she kissed him back. She loved the feel of his mouth on hers. His hands didn't wander and she was glad. She wanted him to touch her everywhere, but she was nervous after what had happened the last time they had almost had sex and she didn't want a repeat experience. She wanted to take things slow and make sure that she didn't ruin it. The flashbacks were unpredictable and had a way of turning up when she least expected them. She hated that she could be happy in his arms one minute and then going through the whole terrifying ordeal again the next. They were horrifying. It was as though she was really reliving it and they would leave her shaken for a good while afterwards.

Elliot had got used to the way they would suddenly consume her. He would talk to her, gently bringing her back to the present and he'd hold her while the memories lingered, until she felt calm again. Having him there made things more bearable. The thought of going through this alone terrified her. She had no idea what she would have done without him.

"Liv?" Elliot had sensed her mind growing distant and noticed the faraway expression on her face.

"I'm OK," she said.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

She debated how to answer. She hated that their intimate moments were constantly being ruined by her inability to not think about what had happened to her.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "I hate that my mind keeps going there. I don't want to remember."

"You should talk about it. You need to."

"It feels like I have no choice. He's constantly here." She pointed to her head. "It's like he's intruding on everything. I mean this moment, here with you now, it should be just about us, but…I'm sorry. I'm ruining the evening."

"It's OK Liv," he soothed, feeling her frustration. "You can talk to me. You're not ruining anything. I want you to trust me and tell me."

"I do trust you. It's just I can't help thinking how hard it must be for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Having to listen to me talking about it, picturing it in your head, worrying about what to say and do, worrying about me."

"Liv, I won't lie. None of this is easy. I hate what that bastard did to you. But I want you to accept that I am here for you and that I don't want you to hold back and try to protect me or anything. I want you to share it with me and let me support you as much as I can. We're in this together. It's you and me."

"OK," she whispered. She looked straight into his eyes. "I can't get this one part out of my head," she said slowly.

"What part?" he asked gently.

"It was just before he…before he…well he put on a condom."

"You said that," Elliot said patiently.

"No, I didn't explain it properly," she said miserably. "In order to put it on, he loosened his grip on me. He took the knife away from my neck briefly so he could use his hands. That's when I should have done something. I should have fought, but I was frozen. I couldn't move. It was my chance and I did nothing."

"No Liv, don't do this to yourself. He had a knife. If you'd have fought he could have killed you."

"But I'm supposed to be a cop. I am supposed to be able to defend myself."

"There's only so much you can do. He took you by surprise and he had a weapon."

"But so did I. My gun was at my side. Why didn't I grab the gun when he loosened his grip? I should have done something Elliot. I should have."

"No. Sweetheart, there was nothing you could have done. If you had gone for your gun, he would have seen and stopped you. He could have killed you Liv."

"I know what you're saying, but I still can't stop going over and over it all and I know that I should have done something then. It was my chance and I missed it."

"This wasn't your fault, Liv. This was all him. There was nothing you could have done, do you hear me? Nothing!"

Olivia closed her eyes. She wondered if he was right. Maybe he would have killed her. She should have tried though. Even if she had been stabbed she would have known that she had tried her best, not just stood there and acquiesced and basically allowed him to do it. She felt powerless and it was a horrible feeling.

"Elliot, I'm so tired," she said softly.

"I'm a little tired myself," he said. "Let's go to bed Liv. We can talk more there and then get an early night."

"OK," she said. She didn't really want to talk about that horrible night any more. She had had enough for today. She just wanted to be in his arms and fall asleep there.

They stood and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for the night. Then they lay down in the bed, wrapped in each other's arms and talked quietly for a short while before she felt her eyelids growing heavy. Her last thought before she fell asleep was that she had got through another day. He fell asleep not long after.


	30. Chapter 30: The Saranac Lakes

30

The Saranac Lakes

October 26

They woke fairly early and left the cabin just before 9am. They had decided to head towards the Saranac Lakes, which was about an hour and a half's drive according to Google. The weather had turned a little cooler and it was cloudy, but even so Elliot was looking forward to getting out and walking around the lakes with Olivia. There was definitely something cathartic about being outdoors. Elliot always felt like it gave him perspective. He knew Olivia also enjoyed the sound of running water and the abundant streams and lakes in the area would likely be relaxing for her too.

He was strangely happy yet pensive at the same time. He was glad that he had said those things to her last night and he was ecstatic that they were embarking on a new journey together. He knew it would take time and patience, but he would do anything for her and he staunchly believed that she would recover in time. She was strong. Probably stronger than him, in fact. Deep down though he was absolutely heart-broken about what she had been through and there were images he couldn't get out of his head.

That night the nightmare had rattled him considerably. He had dreamed of her rape, exactly how she had described it, except for some inexplicable reason he was there, watching, yet he could do nothing to stop it. He couldn't remember exactly why, just that he had been unable to move. The worst part had been the look in her eyes, begging him, pleading him to help her. He had woken shortly after, shaking and sweating. He had immediately looked down and seen her sleeping beside him and unable to resist he had wrapped his body around her tightly. She had stirred only slightly, but had immediately snuggled into him. He remained awake for a good while afterwards.

He knew the nightmare was obviously related to the fact that he had been unable to prevent her from getting so badly hurt. He knew logically that there was nothing he could have done. However, the feeling of powerless and his fear at something happening to her again one day remained like a heavy blanket and he couldn't shake those lingering effects of the nightmare, even now hours later.

He had promised her he would never let anything happen to her again and he meant it with all his heart. He worried though. Was that even a promise he could realistically keep? Right now they were together constantly, but it had only been two weeks since her attack. As she healed, she would gradually reassert her independence and he knew she was fiercely independent. He wasn't sure if she would want to go back to the SVU again, but even if she went to a different police department, there were inherent dangers in the job. He wondered if he could cope with saying goodbye every morning, with that chance, however slight, that something could go badly wrong and she wouldn't return in the evening. Now that he had her in his life so completely, the thought of losing her was too much to bear.

He supposed her attack must have had a profound effect on his own sense of security. He had to face the fact that loving someone wasn't always enough to protect them and that he had no control over certain events. It was a horrible feeling. He was suddenly strongly aware of just how precious life was and how everything could change so completely at any time.

He stole a quick glance at her sitting beside him. She was staring out of the side window, so didn't notice his stare. He wondered what she was thinking about and hoped it wasn't what he knew it probably was. Her hair was longer than she had kept it when he first met her and he liked it. He had always thought she was beautiful, but her current hairstyle softened her hard image and made her that little bit more feminine to him, less all cop and more woman. She was wearing a light pink top with a lacy edge. He thought it was cute. Usually at work she had stuck to plainer, less fancy clothes, although there had been the odd occasion when Elliot had cringed at her attire. They were dealing with rapists, murderers and paedophiles and yet she would occasionally show just a little bit too much cleavage or wear something which hugged her shape just that little bit too tightly and it irked him. Of course he liked her outfits, but that was the problem. If he did, then he could bet every other male in the vicinity did too. He knew it wasn't deliberate on her behalf though. She seemed amazingly unaware of just how beautiful and attractive she was.

He felt a tinge of excitement run through him at the thought that she was with him now, officially his 'girlfriend'. It kind of felt weird to use that term at his age, especially after being married for so long. He reached out and placed his right hand on her knee. It was bewildering how he felt the need to be touching her constantly. It was almost as though if he wasn't touching her it wasn't real. A small part of him still thought that this was all going to come undone at some point. She would heal, regain her independence and then not need him any longer…

He had missed her so much when he had left the force. He hadn't quite realised how much he had come to rely on her. She knew his every mood. A hand on his arm would calm his anger and a knowing glance would convey sympathy and understanding. If he was upset, she had this habit of engaging in light-hearted chit chat, which while seemingly avoiding the issue directly, would serve to let him know that she understood and that she was there to talk to if he needed to. Often he had taken her up on that offer and it hadn't been unusual for them to call each other to chat in the early hours, especially after some of the particularly harrowing cases. Elliot hadn't wanted to bring all the horror home to his wife and family and besides Olivia was going through the same thing, so she understood. Often words were unnecessary,

He had thought it was just the job creating their bond. When he had left he had wanted to cut all ties to the job and so had thought that meant her too. It had been unsettling when he had been forced to admit to himself that his feelings towards her went way beyond that. He felt like he was missing an integral part of himself when he was apart from her and it had been a struggle to finally face it. He had been terrified that she wouldn't have forgiven him for disappearing from her life like he had. It was something he would regret evermore.

Thankfully she had welcomed him back into her arms. He just couldn't escape the sinking feeling that he had been too late though. He should have told her how he felt before. She deserved to be loved. She didn't deserve to be discarded by her partner of more than a decade with barely a phone call and then expected to come running back the second he had changed his mind. She certainly didn't deserve what had happened to her two weeks ago.

He felt his eyes growing damp. She was still facing the other way, looking out of the window. He blinked hard, trying to force the dampness away. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to tell her again how sorry he was for abandoning her like he had. He needed her to know that he would never ever do that again, that he was here for her now and always. He was terrified that she was secretly thinking he might leave her again.

"Liv," he said. He was surprised at the catch in his voice. He doubted it would go unnoticed.

She turned her head and looked at him. He took in her features, once again wondering how he could possibly deserve someone like her.

"Are you OK, El?" she asked, with her concern apparent in her voice.

"I'm so sorry Liv," he said, his grip on her leg tightening.

"Why are you apologising?" she asked, confused.

"For leaving like that," he explained. "I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I promise you I am here now. I'm here for good."

She looked down briefly, closing her eyes as the memory enveloped her. That feeling when Cragen had told her he wasn't coming back. It was a memory that would stay with her always. The fact that he hadn't even been able to face telling her himself hurt.

"Liv," he said desperately. "Please tell me you can forgive me."

She opened her eyes and looked straight at him. He was concentrating on the road, but he turned slightly and met her gaze briefly before averting his eyes back ahead.

"I forgave you Elliot. I told you I did."

"I know, but…"

"I won't lie. It hurt so much when you just left without talking to me. I missed you so much. But I understand."

Elliot felt like a complete shit. He didn't deserve her. He was feeling too emotional to form words. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself.

"I'm going to pull over," he said. He couldn't drive like this. He pulled over into a lay-by and parked the car. She took his hands in hers and held them against her chest.

"Elliot, it's OK. Really, please don't get upset about it. I understand. I do."

"Liv, if we could go back…"

"Please," she said. "Please forget about it Elliot. You're here now and that's what matters."

Se took him fully into her arms then, holding him tightly. She stroked his head. This time she was comforting him.

Ten minutes later they were back on the road, heading towards the lakes.

"We're going to have a good day, Liv," he said. "I'm sorry I got all heavy back there."

"I want you to talk to me," she said. "This is hard for both of us."

"I will. I promise."

...

They had reached the lakes, parked the car and were now walking arm in arm alongside the lake, enjoying the view. Despite the cloudy weather, the area still looked beautiful. A little way along, they sat down on some steps which led down to the water and Elliot put his arm around her and she leaned into him. He absentmindedly stroked her arm as they sat looking out at the lake. There were a few ducks nearby and they watched them as they bobbed around.

"We should have brought some bread," she said.

He smiled. His children enjoyed feeding the ducks and he enjoyed the memories of time spent with them. He missed them.

"Liv, I want to see Eli next weekend," he said.

"Of course," she said, immediately feeling bad once again that she was keeping him away from his children.

"Kathy said she's willing to drive up to Albany."

"Right," she said. She felt nervous. Staying on her own wasn't really something she was ready to face yet, but he had to see his child, she knew that and would never stand in his way.

"Liv, I want you to come."

"I don't know…" she began.

"I mean it. You're virtually family. Kathy won't mind, I promise. I will call her and explain. She knows what happened to you. She understands Liv."

"But I don't want to intrude on your time with Eli."

"You won't. He loves you Liv. All my children do." Olivia felt doubtful. Sure she had always got on well with his kids, but that was back when they were partners. She somehow had the feeling that they wouldn't be quite as keen on her once they understood that her and their father's relationship had changed. She remembered the accusatory comment from Dickie in the interview room that time, asking her if she was sleeping with his Father. It had been a shock, even though she had handled it well.

"El, I'll be fine, I promise. You can't stay by my side forever. I need to start getting my life back together."

"Liv, please, I want you with me when I go and see him."

"Maybe we should talk about this later on in the week," she said.

"Well sure, but it won't change anything. I want you to come, Liv."

She didn't reply. She didn't want to stay behind alone, but at the same time she felt extremely awkward about tagging along. It was the thought of facing Kathy too. His ex-wife! She must hate her. She balked at the thought. It would be the most awkward meeting ever.

"Olivia, it'll be fine. Kathy won't mind. She doesn't hate you."

Once again he seemed to have read her mind.

"Eli adores you and I adore you. I want you with me."

She looked up at him. He was so sincere. It obviously meant a lot to him.

"OK," she said hesitantly.

"Great," he said grinning at her. She smiled back. It was impossible not to with him looking at her like that. She still felt nervous though. The thought of facing Kathy terrified her.

He leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. As she kissed him back, all thoughts of Kathy left her mind. Right now it was just him and her, sitting on the steps overlooking the lake. The kiss took everything away. For a few minutes she was just blissfully in that moment with him. She was happy.


	31. Chapter 31: Trip to Albany

31

Trip to Albany

November 2

Elliot was excited. He couldn't wait to see his son. It had been over three weeks, although they had chatted on Skype several times. It wasn't the same as being able to interact with him in person, take him in his arms, lift him over his head, tickle him and chase him around outside. Skype was great though. It would have been much harder to be away from his son without it.

Olivia was seated beside him. He knew she was nervous about 'intruding' on his family time and about seeing Kathy, but the way he saw it, they all needed to get used to this new situation and so the sooner the better. He had rung Kathy and explained that he and Olivia had now officially become an item, so to speak. Kathy had seemed a little surprised, despite saying she had suspected as much. He understood why she felt awkward. He felt the same whenever she mentioned her new partner. It was hard to get used to your ex being with some one else. He knew it was even harder for Kathy given it was Olivia he was now with. He had assured her once again that nothing had ever happened between them while he was still married. It was important to him that Kathy knew and believed that.

That morning Cragen had rung to let them know how the investigation was going. The unit had been busy all week and so they hadn't had a chance to speak, so Cragen had rung this morning, which Elliot appreciated enormously given it was a Saturday. The team had spoken to the local street police and found out more about Nigel Dockerty. It was well known that he ran a fairly large protection racket, but there was no evidence to charge him with. Fin and Munch had visited a couple of his nightclubs and spoken to some of the girls. Most had been extremely reluctant to speak with the police but a couple of the younger less experienced girls had mentioned some interesting gossip that was circling round.

Pat Miller had been a regular at this particular club the girls worked in and they both knew him. Apparently he had slept with Nigel Dockerty's seventeen year old niece and Dockerty had been furious. Miller had claimed he thought the girl was older and had no idea she was related to Dockerty, but her Uncle had apparently been baying for blood. It was interesting gossip, for if true, it would possibly be a good reason for Miller's disappearance. Dockerty was not famed for his forgiving nature. If Dockerty was after Miller, the last thing he would likely do would be to hang around New York. The likelihood was high that he had left the state.

Olivia had listened to the developments carefully. She was already getting tired of the whole investigation. They seemed to be getting nowhere finding out where Miller actually was, despite all the information they were gathering. She still had that fear at the back of her mind that he was out there and could possibly come after her again. She wasn't entirely sure why she felt like this for she knew that it wasn't often that a rapist attacked the same victim again. Thinking about the attack though, it scared her. She wasn't a random victim. She had been singled out deliberately. Chances were he'd been watching her for a while. He had waited two whole months between her knocking him back and his attack, which proved he held a grudge and was willing to wait for the right moment to get what he wanted. He was cold and calculating and it terrified her. It was possible that the attack had ended his obsession with her, or it was possible it had only heightened it. Not knowing was the worst thing. It left her imagination free to imagine anything.

The journey to Albany took around two and a half hours. Olivia enjoyed riding in the car. She felt nervous about seeing Kathy but it had been better than the alternative, staying behind alone. She felt angry with herself about being afraid to be alone and she had almost made the decision to battle through and insist she stay, but Elliot had asked her to come for him and it had given her the excuse to go without blaming it on her fear. So she had agreed. She still felt uncomfortable though.

They arrived in Albany in good time and made their way to Washington Park where they had agreed to meet. Around five minutes after they arrived, Elliot's cell phone rang. It was Kathy letting him know they had arrived and asking where they were. He explained they were by the Lake House and five minutes later Elliot saw the familiar figures of his ex-wife and son walking towards them.

"Daddy!" screeched his son, releasing his mother's hand and starting to run towards his Father. Elliot scooped him up in his arms and kissed him lovingly.

"It's so great to see you!" he said. He looked towards Kathy. "Thanks so much for driving all this way Kathy," he said smiling at her. He reached back for Olivia's hand. She had stepped back a little.

"No problem," said Kathy. "Hey, Olivia…"

"Hi Kathy," Olivia said shyly. She felt extremely self-conscious that Elliot was holding her hand in front of his ex-wife and she pulled it free. It was one thing that Kathy knew about their relationship, but there was no need to rub it in her face.

"How are you doing?" Kathy asked gently. Olivia cringed. She hated that people were walking on egg shells around her now, trying to find the right words to say to her.

"I'm doing pretty well," she said. "How are you?"

"I've been busy at work lately," Kathy replied. She could sense Olivia's extreme discomfort and wanted to help her relax. She had nothing against this woman. Yes, it was awkward knowing she was with her ex-husband, but she couldn't hate her. It was even harder to hold any animosity towards her knowing the horror she had been through. "How's Lake Champlain?" she asked conversationally, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"It's nice," replied Olivia.

"Mummy, Daddy, I want to go and see the ducks!" Eli was jumping around excitedly pulling at his parents arms. "Come on, come on."

"OK, OK," laughed Kathy.

They all walked over towards the water and watched as Eli delightedly shouted at the ducks, trying to scare them to swim away.

"Hey!" warned his Father. "Stop terrorising the poor ducks!" Everyone laughed and Eli cheekily poked his tongue out at his father.

"Eli!" warned his mother. "Sorry, he's so excited," she explained to Olivia. "He's not normally like this." Olivia smiled. There was something refreshing about spending time with a young child. His obvious joy at something as simple as watching the ducks swim away was amusing to watch.

"What do you fancy for lunch Eli?" asked Elliot.

"McDonalds!" he replied immediately. Elliot ignored Kathy's disapproving expression. She was trying hard to keep her youngest son on a healthy diet but advertising and friends had already led him to the hamburger chain and it was a battle to keep him away.

"Fine, but just today," agreed Kathy.

It took nearly half an hour to walk up to Central Avenue and to the nearest McDonalds restaurant. Eli was picking up leaves and sticks along the way which slowed them down considerably, although no one really minded. Elliot chatted to Kathy and his son. Olivia walked beside them, mostly silent. At one point Kathy stopped to look at something Eli was about to pick up and glad to catch Olivia on her own for a second, Elliot took her hand and asked her if she was alright. She nodded. Kathy was engrossed in whatever it was Eli had found and not looking in their direction, so Elliot leaned in quickly and kissed her. She smiled at him.

"Sorry," he said. "I know this is hard."

"I'm fine El," she said. "You need to see your son."

...

The rest of the afternoon went quickly and before long Kathy said she had better be leaving for she didn't want Eli to be too tired as he had a play date the next day. They said their goodbyes and Elliot promised he would call the next day at Eli's insistence.

While Elliot was busy saying goodbye to Eli, Kathy reached out and touched Olivia's hand.

"Take care, Olivia," she said.

"Thanks Kathy," Olivia replied.

"Look Olivia," Kathy said awkwardly. "I don't have any hard feelings towards you. Me and Elliot, well it just didn't work out. I'm happy he's found someone who makes him happy, you know."

"Kathy, I…I don't want you to think there was anything ever going on. I mean I always cared about him, but it was only after he left the job and your divorce that we got close. I promise."

"I know. I know." Kathy had tears in her eyes now. "I mean it Olivia. I'm happy for you both."

"Thanks Kathy. That means a lot."

Kathy smiled at the woman before her. She didn't think it was likely they could ever become real friends, but she hoped they would have some kind of rapport. She recognised that Olivia was in Elliot's life to stay and it was much easier for everyone, including Eli, if they all got along.

"Right, well we'd better be going," Kathy said. "Come on Eli." He hugged his Father one more time and then they headed off.

Once they were out of sight, Olivia slipped her arm around Elliot's waist.

"You OK?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, putting his arm around her too. "It was good to see him. I miss him."

Olivia looked down, once again feeling guilty that she had pulled him away from his son.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"No, it's fine Liv. He's busy back home. Even if I was there I'd probably only see him at weekends anyway." He squeezed her a little. "What were you two talking about anyway?" he asked curiously.

"She gave me her blessing," replied Olivia. "She said she's glad you're happy. She's a good person Elliot. I would completely understand if she hated me."

"Don't be silly!" he scolded her. "No one could hate you." He snuggled into her side making her laugh.

"I'm being serious, El," she said.

"So am I!"

Olivia smiled. She wasn't used to having someone doting on her and complimenting her so freely. It was nice.

"Shall we head back too?" he asked.

She agreed and they started walking towards where they had parked the car.

"We should stop somewhere and get you something to eat," he said as they neared the car. I'm sorry about lunch. I know it's not really your scene."

"It's OK. I'm not hungry."

He sighed. On Monday they had returned to the hospital and her ketone level had been much better, but it was still not down to zero. She had refused to stay in, so they had instructed her to eat more again and to return in a week's time for another test. He knew she was trying, but she still wasn't eating as much as he thought she should be. He was still worried about her. It was a difficult situation though. He knew she didn't take well to being pressured.

The good news was that her STD tests had all come back clear during the week. It had been a huge relief. In addition her injuries from the rape had all healed and so physically she was doing great. She had attended therapy twice this week and had told him she had mentioned her appetite loss and that they were working on it. He was satisfied that she was seemingly on the road to working through her trauma. She did generally seem less emotionally all over the place than she had a couple of weeks ago. She still had nightmares and flashbacks but it seemed the frequency had decreased a little which had to be a positive step forward.

Just before they left to head back up north, he took her in his arms and they kissed. He loved the feel of her lips against his. He opened his eyes and gazed at her as he kissed her. She was so beautiful. Every day they spent together he felt like he was falling in love with her a little bit more and he was mesmerised. He was so completely taken by her that he knew he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes again as he continued the kiss. He knew he was completely and hopelessly in love.


	32. Chapter 32: CSU report

32

CSU report

Nov 5

Elliot placed his phone down on the dining table and wandered towards the bedroom to talk to Olivia. She had woken with a headache that morning and had gone to lie down again straight after breakfast. The room was dark since the curtains were drawn and he noticed it felt decidedly chilly without the sunlight shining in. Winter was fast approaching. He neared the bed and saw that she was fast asleep. He tentatively got in next to her and pulled the covers up over himself before snuggling into her, gently so as not to wake her. He decided he would lie with her for a while and wait for her to wake up. He loved the feel of her warm body against his. Breathing in her scent, he hoped the extra sleep would get rid of her headache.

He lay next to her for nearly an hour, just thinking, before she finally woke.

"How's your head?" he asked as soon as she opened her eyes.

"Better I think," she said groggily, surprised but pleased to see him there. "How long have you been here?"

"Around an hour." He placed an arm over and around her.

"Were you watching me sleep?" she asked, a little embarrassed.

"No," he said. "I just wanted to be near you."

"Did you speak to the Captain?"

"Yes, I did. Can I get you anything first though? Do you want some tea?"

"No, just tell me Elliot." She guessed there was some news from his serious expression and tone.

"They got the official report back from CSU about the car accident."

"And?"

"Well it appears that the excess flow valve on the fuel tank on Pat Miller's car had been tampered with, rendering it ineffective and making the likelihood of a fire in the event of a crash significantly higher. In addition they found evidence of some accelerant in the engine. They think engine grease was deliberately smeared around to further increase the chance of a fire when the engine got hot. They believe that the crash itself hadn't been fatal thanks to the airbag deploying correctly. However, the impact ruptured the fuel tank and then the car caught fire. With the airbag deployed, the occupant was unable to escape the wreck before it was completely engulfed in flames."

Olivia shuddered as for a brief moment she imagined the terror of being trapped inside a burning car like that. It was beyond anyone's worst nightmare. She felt her arm tighten around Elliot as he continued.

"Warner's autopsy report also confirms that the cause of death was severe burns and smoke inhalation. It appears he only sustained minor injuries in the initial impact."

"Poor guy," sympathised Olivia. "What a horrible way to die."

"Amazingly they managed to find a fingerprint on the damaged excess flow valve, despite the fire and it was a match to Joseph McLachlan. He apparently had his prints on file after a conviction in his early twenties for a DUI offence."

"So Joseph McLachlan tampered with the car? Did they arrest him?"

"Yes. They pulled him in and interviewed him yesterday and faced with a murder charge and not wanting to be involved in any extra rape charges he talked. He claimed he had believed Miller when he had denied any involvement in the rape of Myfanwy Evans. He thought he was just helping him out by providing him with an alibi, because Miller had been alone that night and couldn't prove that he wasn't involved. Mclachlan says he admits to tampering with the car but that he had no idea Miller was planning on having anyone in the car at the time of the crash. He thought the plan was just to stage a crash and abandon the car."

"Of course being a police officer, Miller knew they would need to find an actual body."

"Yes, in normal circumstances, there would have been no need to run a DNA test on the victim. If it wasn't for Warner's diligence then it would automatically have been assumed the victim was Pat Miller and Humberto Murillo's disappearance would have just been dismissed as yet another unsolved missing person's case."

"So did McLachlan give them anything on his current whereabouts?

"He insists he's told them everything he knows. He made an official statement and claimed Miller was on Dockerty's payroll and that after being transferred out of narcotics and to SVU he was no longer as useful to him. So in order to stay on the payroll he had introduced Dockerty to McLachlan and they had started receiving stolen cars, fixing them up, repainting them and everything, then handing them on to be resold. It had kept him in favour for a short while, but Miller was growing increasingly worried that he was seen as being expendable. He knew that Dockerty had a tendency to get rid of people he no longer had any need for and he knew he was in danger of a particularly nasty end due to Dockerty's general hatred of the police. So Miller came up with the plan to fake his own death to get Dockerty off his back. The plan was for him to move to a new state and start afresh with a fake ID. He thought he had a little more time, but then there was that incident with Dockerty's niece. By all accounts the sex was consensual, for once, but even so word on the street was that Dockerty was so furious that Miller decided to move his plans forward to that Saturday night.

"The night after he raped me," Olivia said slowly. "He knew he was going to disappear. He thought he wouldn't get caught and punished for my rape if everyone thought he was dead. It was opportunistic." In some ways it made it worse. An opportunistic attack implied that prevention had been possible. She wasn't sure though. Maybe if he hadn't had the chance to grab her in the crib he would have followed her home, or broken into her apartment. Maybe away from the precinct he would have killed her? If he had been planning on disappearing the next day, a murder charge surely wouldn't have been a worry. She felt a wave of fear as she thought about what could have happened.

Elliot didn't say anything. The truth was there was a little more to it. McLachlan had given the police a key to a garage that Miller had used to hide out in for the first few days right after the accident. The plan had been to lie low and then after a few days leave the area. McLachlan believed he had gone to Oregon to see his daughter and then claimed not to know his plans after that. The police had gone to the garage and found a disturbing scene. Plastered on one wall there were a significant number of pictures of Olivia, taken over the three months before the attack, but worse, there had seemed to be some taken after the attack. All the photos were time stamped and there were some of her entering and leaving the precinct with Elliot on the day that she had gone there to tell Cragen about her rape. It looked like Miller had been staking out the precinct waiting to see if she would turn up. Knowing that everyone believed him dead he had obviously felt no qualms about getting so close. He had probably wanted to know if she had reported it or not. Or maybe he just wanted to see her again?

The only thing they didn't understand was why he had left the photos there in the garage. He had obviously not counted on his former colleagues discovering that it wasn't him who had died in the crash. Maybe he was planning on coming back to the city at some point and so had left the photos knowing they would be there for him when he got back? The concern was that if he was still consumed with his obsession for Olivia, he could be intending to return and it was possible he would try to find her again.

Elliot was torn. He really didn't want to upset Olivia by telling her this extra detail. He wasn't sure it was really necessary. Miller had apparently gone to Oregon and there was no way he would know that Olivia was now five hours north of the city. However, he knew that if she ever found out that he had kept something like this back from her, she would never forgive him. He knew he had to tell her but he just couldn't bring himself to do it right now.

"Elliot," she said with fear in her voice. "What if they don't find him?"

"They will Liv," he said trying to sound convincing.

"He could be anywhere!"

"They have good reason to believe that he'll try and come back to the city at some point. When he does, they'll be waiting."

"Why would he come back to the city?" she asked.

Elliot didn't reply.

"Elliot, what aren't you telling me?" She could see he was obviously holding something back. She could tell by the worried expression on his face and the frown furrowed into his brow.

"Liv, please don't worry about it. They will get him. I'm sure of it."

"Tell me Elliot!" She took her arm away from him and sat up, gazing straight at him, her expression determined. He knew that look. He knew he couldn't avoid telling her the truth. So he told her about the photos of her that had been found in the garage.

She sank back against the head board as she realised what this meant. If he was stalking her, obsessing over her, then they must believe he would come back for her. In other words she wasn't safe.

Elliot could read the fear in her expression easily. "He won't find you Liv. The only people who know we are here are the team and Kathy. You're safe. I promise."

Olivia took a deep breath, trying to control her growing feeling of panic. She gratefully accepted Elliot's arms as he wrapped them around her, offering her the support she needed so desperately.

"Everything's going to be OK," he murmured comfortingly. "They'll get him Liv."

"He's a detective Elliot. He'll find me if he puts his mind to it."

"No. Listen to me Liv. Thinking about it, I don't believe he'll try to come back to the city for a while at least. By then they'll probably get him. They're going to check out his family in Oregon. They'll likely be able to tell us something. It's also possible that McLachlan has spoken to him and warned him that we know he's still alive, in which case he probably won't try and come back at all."

"You're right," Olivia forced herself to say. She refused to spend the rest of her life scared about what might happen. There was no guarantee he would come after her. Besides, he had left the photos. Maybe his obsession with her had ended with the rape? _Maybe he had started staking out his next victim? _

"I just want this to be over," she said miserably.

"I know honey. Me too." He kissed her softly on the side of her face. She turned towards him and held him tightly. She didn't cry. She wondered whether perhaps she had no tears left to fall. She was living a nightmare. She wished she could wake up.

"My headache is back," she said sadly.

"Do you want to go out for a walk? Maybe the fresh air would help?"

"No," she replied. "I think I'll stay in bed. I'm still tired." She snuggled back down into the bed and Elliot looked at her worriedly. She looked defeated. He stroked her face.

"You don't have to stay," she said.

"I want to," he replied.

"Please El. I just want to be on my own for a bit."

"Sure, if that's what you want," he said sadly. He stood to leave.

"I'm sorry," she said. She hated to push him away, but she just needed to be on her own for a while.

"I'll come and check on you in a bit," he said and he left the room.


	33. Chapter 33: Closer

33

Closer

November 10

She lay next to him, wondering when he would wake. She'd been awake for a while now. She wasn't sure what had got into her, but the longer she lay there watching him, the more she wanted to feel his hands on her. She didn't want to wait any longer. It had been a month since her assault and even though she knew she had a way to go she did feel much better than she had even a couple of weeks ago. She knew that a small part of the reason she wanted to try having sex again was because she was terrified she wouldn't be able to and so she desperately wanted to find out if she could actually go through with it. In some respects she wanted to get the 'first time' over and done with so that she could really move on. She was nervous to tell him though, just in case they had to stop half way through again. She felt bad for potentially raising his expectations if there was a huge chance she'd end up disappointing him. She felt she had to do this though. She wanted a real relationship with him. Hugging and kissing was great, but she wanted more. She had fantasised and dreamed about him for years and this was not how she had imagined it.

She placed her arm over him and started stroking his chest gently. He stirred and opened his eyes.

"Morning," she said rolling on to him. Surprised, he grinned at her awkwardly. She wasn't usually quite this 'friendly' in the mornings. Not that he was complaining.

"Hey," he said. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," she replied, slightly put out that his first reaction to her advances had been to assume there was something wrong. She leaned in and kissed him, deciding to make it categorically clear that she was absolutely fine. He kissed her back eagerly and she felt herself relaxing. He started running his hands down her shoulders and arms and each time his hands brushed against the sensitive skin around her elbows, she felt a shiver travel through her body.

She pulled away so that she could speak.

"El. I want to try again. I think I'm ready."

Elliot felt his body reacting to her words immediately and he looked at her intently. He needed to be absolutely sure. He wanted no repeat of the last time they had tried it, just over three weeks ago now. He hated the thought of causing her more distress.

"Are you sure?" he said, leaning back in, brushing his lips along the side of her face and towards her ear.

"Yes," she said breathily, placing her own lips to his neck and kissing him softly. She loved the rough sensation of his morning stubble against her face. She placed her hand up and under his t-shirt and felt his chest. He closed his eyes momentarily, as he kissed her, avoiding her neck as he knew that had caused the flashback the last time.

"Liv," he whispered, "Tell me at any time if you need to stop."

"I will," she said.

"I love you," he said, bringing his head up slightly so that he could look straight at her and show her he meant it.

"I love you too," she replied, staring straight back at him. "Kiss me, Elliot."

He obliged.

Suddenly she sat up and started removing her pyjama vest top. He sat up too to watch as she revealed herself to him. She wasn't wearing a bra. He took a deep breath as he took her in. She smiled at him nervously and he reached for her face and started kissing her again. Laying her down, he moved lower and buried his face into her chest, breathing in her scent. He started kissing her but she pulled him away.

"You too," she instructed. He removed his own top and then returned to her. He wanted to take this slow, make sure that she was comfortable at every stage. So he took his time, caressing her, kissing her and touching her everywhere. He took her fingers into his mouth and sucked on them gently.

At this point she once again sat up and this time pulled off her pyjama bottoms and underwear. She was now completely naked. He was somewhat surprised but pleased at how comfortable she was about being nude in front of him. He quickly followed suit. She was beautiful. He loved every part of her and he wanted to show her just how much. He knew he was losing himself in this moment.

He kept his gaze transfixed on her face as he took her in his arms and pressed her to him, feeling her body warm against his own. She gazed right back. It was as though they had a silent link, a way of communicating that everything was OK and that he wasn't pushing her too far. He knew she was nervous. He was too.

"Liv, may I touch you?" he asked. It wasn't something he normally would have asked in this situation, given they were already naked, but he was desperate for this to go right and not to do anything she wasn't completely comfortable with. She nodded.

He reached down and placed his hand between her legs, pleased to feel she had been anticipating him. She then placed her hands on him and he felt a surge of excitement as her fingers circled his tip before her hand clamped down on him. He had imagined this moment for so long. He could hardly believe she was here and this was really happening.

He started to move his head down her body, kissing her as he went, but she pulled him back before he could reach his intended destination.

"Elliot, I need to see your eyes," she said. She knew she needed the connection this first time. She needed to be constantly aware that it was him here with her, no one else. He understood. He kissed her on the lips and they both kept their eyes open as they kissed and explored each other.

They took their time, but after a while their kisses became deeper and more frantic. She straddled him. He moved his hands back to her face, his gaze still unfaltering.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

"Yes," she said.

He reached towards the bedside cabinet, where he had stashed his condoms for just in case, ignoring her amused grin as she realised he had hidden them in there. This was usually the slightly disappointing part of the whole process, she thought. The interruption usually was such a turn off to her, but as she watched Elliot, all she felt this time was anticipation for what was to come. As soon as he had placed it on, she started guiding him into her. She controlled his slow entry, raising herself up and down as she opened up and began to accommodate him. After a few tries he finally pushed right into her and she sank down on top of him pulling him in as deep as he could go. Neither moved for a few moments as they both took in the impact of their actions. There was no going back now.

Then they both slowly started rocking. He rolled her onto her side and reached his hand towards her, touching her too as they gently moved together in perfect unison, still gazing into each other's eyes. This has to be what is meant by bliss, Elliot thought as he gently moved inside her. He was barely able to control himself from completely letting go and allowing his feelings to overpower him, but he knew it was important that they ease into this gently. She needed tenderness and gentleness this first time. The passion could only grow as they got used to this new way of caring and loving one another.

She seemed at ease. He kept stroking her. Then she rolled him on top of her. He shifted his weight and increased his pace. He was getting to the point of no return. He realised he was likely going to be first. She seemed to recognise this. She put her hand on his and pulled it away from her, allowing him to place both his hands on the bed to get more leverage to thrust. He kissed her deep and hard as he released and she kissed him back. Breathless, he rolled off her and snuggled into her.

"I love you, Liv," he repeated. He moved his hand down and started stroking her again. She murmured. He patiently circled, kneaded, stroked and teased until eventually she too felt her body arch with pleasure. Once her heart beat had slowed back down, she kissed him again.

"I'm so happy, El," she said. She was thrilled she hadn't had any flashbacks or unwanted memories ruining it this time.

"Me too, Liv," he said stroking her face. "You're so beautiful. I love you so much."

Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so glad we..."

"I know Liv." He was glad too. This first time seemed like such a huge hurdle. In any new relationship it was slightly nerve-wracking embarking on the unknown, but given what she had been through this was much more so. Neither had been sure what would happen.

He snuggled into her. "I could stay here all day," he said. "I want to do that again and again."

"Fine with me," she said, smiling at him. He kissed her again. She placed her head on his chest and kissed him there. Then she rested her head on him, stroking his arms as he stroked her face.

"We should have done this long ago," he said, a hint of sadness in his voice as he thought about all the time they had lost as they had both refused to face their feelings.

"I know," she said, "but we're here now and that's what's important."

He agreed.

...

Exhilarated by the development in their relationship, Olivia felt like celebrating and suggested they go out for dinner that evening. Elliot was thrilled. Things were just getting better and better. He knew there was light at the end of the tunnel and that she was truly on the way to recovery. He suggested they walk to the place nearby which they had tried back when they first came here. He was thinking that if they ate somewhere that was within walking distance they could both share a glass of wine. She agreed and they headed out, arm in arm, wrapped up warm against the chilly wintery air.

This time Olivia was much more relaxed as they enjoyed their meal while chatting easily. They shared a bottle of wine and it appeared to have affected Olivia more than either of them had expected. At one point as they walked home, Olivia stumbled as her foot hit a rock and she fell against Elliot knocking them both to the ground. She started laughing and he joined her, taking her hands in his to pull her up to her feet again.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I never used to be this much of a lightweight," she exclaimed, leaning against him, definitely unsteady on her feet.

"Well you lost a fair bit of weight, Liv," he said. "Maybe that's why."

"Maybe," she said solemnly. The mention of her weight loss dampened her mood instantly. She hated being nagged. It wasn't as though she was doing it deliberately.

"Liv, are you alright?" she heard him asking her again.

"Yeah," she said.

"Good, because I have plans for you when we get back!" he said, squeezing her waist gently.

"Oh yeah?" she said, smiling, feeling her mood immediately lift again.

"Yeah!" he said, tickling her a little.

"Stop it!" she screeched, laughing. "You know I'm tired…. I think I might head to bed when I get back," she said.

"Exactly what I was thinking," he said, ignoring her attempt to tease him and instead taking her in his arms and planting a huge kiss on her lips.


	34. Chapter 34: Disheartened

34

Disheartened

Nov 23

It was getting on for three weeks since the CSU report and there had been no more developments on the case. Pat Miller seemed to have completely disappeared without a trace. The disappointment and frustration was starting to get to her. She couldn't help wondering if maybe they would never find him? Maybe it was something she was going to have to learn to live with for the rest of her life? Pat Miller had been a police officer. He wasn't stupid and he knew how these investigations worked. There was no reason to believe he wouldn't be able to stay hidden indefinitely. He could be absolutely anywhere now. The country was huge and there were no guarantees he hadn't fled abroad. The proverbial needle in a haystack sprung to mind. He had probably found himself an entirely new identity and was living a new life, unconcerned about those which he had torn apart back in New York. Another child was now growing up without a Father and who knew how many other women he had raped who hadn't come forward. She had always supposed it was very possible there were others besides her and Myfanwy Evans.

She was also starting to become a little restless here. She loved being with Elliot and she loved going on the daily walks and runs and driving around exploring the nearby countryside. However, she missed the bustle of the city. She missed the sounds, the smells and the fact that you could get anything you wanted twenty four seven, including take-out. She missed her apartment and she even missed her job to some extent. She still wasn't sure she ever wanted to go back to the SVU, but she was starting to wonder if perhaps she might be interested in transferring to a different department, one that was a little less emotionally involved.

She hadn't mentioned this yet to Elliot. She knew he would support her, whatever she decided, but she wasn't sure herself yet what she really wanted and felt like she needed to get things straight in her own head first before telling him. The one thing she was sure of was that she wanted to be with him. She wondered how presumptuous it would be to bring up the topic of where they should live once they returned to the city. She was pretty certain that he would want to be with her, but they still needed to have the actual conversation. In some ways being here felt a little bit like a holiday and so she wasn't sure if she should assume they would continue to live together when they returned to the city. Not at first anyway. They had only technically been in a relationship for a few weeks. In normal circumstances the thought at moving in this soon would have had her running a mile.

Things had been going well between them since that first time they had been truly intimate. They were having regular sex now. It wasn't always mind-blowing in the stereotypical sense, but it always felt like a true act of love. There were times when she craved the intimacy of the act more than the passion. She sometimes felt bad that she wasn't ready to completely let herself go in the bedroom yet, but she knew he understood that it would take her some time before she could completely relax.

Small things would remind her of the rape and she would force the images away. Mostly she wasn't bothered by flashbacks during their intimate moments. There had been a couple of times when she had paused as an unwanted image involuntarily came into her head, but he would hold her and remind her that she was with him, not back in the crib. She trusted him implicitly and no longer needed to maintain eye contact throughout. She had allowed him to taste her and she had tasted him. They had experimented with different positions and she had even allowed him to enter her from behind, the position that Pat Miller had forced on her. The difference was that in their case they lay side by side and she had kept her head turned, so that she could keep her eyes on him throughout. She was even more tolerant of him touching her neck. She felt as though she was slowly overcoming the fear.

Last weekend they had driven to Albany again to meet Kathy and Eli. This time Kathy had brought her boyfriend and after the awkwardness of the introductions, the two of them had gone off alone and left her and Elliot to spend time together with Eli alone. She had enjoyed the day. Eli was a delightful child and she seemed to be building a good rapport with him. Kathy's boyfriend had seemed a little uncomfortable and she wondered whether it was down to Kathy having told him about her rape or whether it was just the fact he was facing her ex husband.

She could hear Elliot outside the cabin. He was bringing in wood for the fire. The weather had turned decidedly wintry now. She wondered if it was cold enough for it to snow soon. She smiled at the notion of being curled up beside the fire with Elliot as it snowed outside, icicles hanging from the windows. She wondered when she had suddenly turned all 'romantic' like this. Maybe she always had been. She had just suppressed it for so long out of necessity.

She heard him nearing the front door, so she went over and opened it for him, shivering as she felt the gust of cold air immediately hit her.

"You should stay in the warm," he instructed her. She ignored him and reached for a couple of the logs he was holding and she carried them over to the container they were kept in beside the fire.

"It's really bitter out there," he said. "It wouldn't surprise me if it snowed soon!"

They went to the bathroom to wash their hands. When they had finished he wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling into her neck, a sure sign of what he was in the mood for. She accepted his advances contentedly, but led him quickly to the bedroom. She much preferred the comfort of the bed, not to mention the fact that being pinned up against a wall was hardly on her list of favourite activities given her past experiences.

She kissed him eagerly. She honestly did feel that every time they made love, she could feel herself letting go that little bit more. She loved him so much and each time seemed to reinforce that. She also appreciated how caring and understanding he was being with her. He never pushed. He always made sure that she was comfortable at every step and he spent a great deal of time caressing her and kissing her all over.

Succumbing to a sudden wave of passion, she started kissing him harder and deeper and as he matched her actions she felt her body reacting strongly. The pull she felt for him was overwhelming. It was as though the only thing that existed was their two bodies and they belonged, needed to be together. His touch was electrifying. He ran his hands down her body lingering over the areas he knew she was especially sensitive and she felt goose bumps running down her arms and back.

He started to remove her clothes and she his. They laughed as he almost lost his temper with her bra clasp which refused to unhook for him. She helped him out and went to work on the button of his pants, sliding them down his legs, at the same time running her fingers down his skin. He slipped his hand inside her underwear and expertly removed her panties, tossing them aside to join the rest of their clothes which were now strewn haphazardly across the bedroom floor. They kissed again, their arms wrapped around each other, pulling their naked bodies into a desperate embrace.

"Love you so much," he whispered as his head disappeared downwards and he started seeking her with his tongue. She threw her head back against the pillow as the sensations hit her and she started squirming. Her hands fisted his hair as he relentlessly continued teasing her with his mouth and tongue. She couldn't wait any longer. She pulled at his head and he looked at her, a brief flash of concern on his face, but then he realised what she wanted. He further parted her legs with his hand and nuzzled in between, finding her immediately and sliding in effortlessly. Her hands raked down his back as she felt him fill her and they began moving even more fervently.

She felt his hands touching her exactly where she wanted them to and knew that the movement and sensation was too much. This would be over any minute. She squeezed his shoulders as she felt herself getting close to the point of no return and then she moved them down to his buttocks, squeezing and pulling him deeply into her as she let herself go. He too released literally seconds after she did and they both sank down, pressing their bodies hard into each other as they rode out the waves.

A few moments later he rolled off her, worried about his weight on her but he continued to hold her in his arms, their warm naked bodies entwined as they lay side by side.

"You're amazing," he whispered.

"You too," she replied, unable to shake the slight feeling of self-consciousness at his open compliment.

"Liv, I can't imagine ever living apart from you now."

Her heart rate quickened. Did he mean what she thought he meant?

"When we go back to the city, I want us to live together, permanently."

"That's fine by me," she said, looking into his eyes happily, although she was aware of a slight twinge of nervousness.

"Great," he said, kissing her again.

"El, I was wondering. When should we go back? I mean, I love it here, being with you and everything, but I miss the city."

"I don't know," he said. "I mean I thought at least until they caught him, but it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon."

"I know," she said, a hint of hopelessness in her voice.

"They will though, Liv," he said quickly. "However long it takes, they will get him eventually."

"Maybe," she replied unconvinced. She wondered if he really believed that or if he was just trying to comfort her.

"When do you want to go back?" he asked her.

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe we should go back by Christmas. You should be close to your family then and it wouldn't be the same away from the city."

"OK," he said. "Then that's what we'll do then. We could stay a few more weeks and go back the weekend of the 14th and 15th December, giving us plenty of time to get ready for Christmas."

"OK," Olivia nodded slowly, pulling up the covers over them both. Now that they were no longer moving, it felt chilly.

He snuggled into her. "I love being in bed with you," he said. He reached for her hand and took it in his, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it gently.

"Do you really think they'll get him?" she asked thoughtfully.

He paused for a minute. He had been about to say, yes of course they would, but it was a promise he knew he couldn't really make.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I think they will, but you know the score. There are never any guarantees."

"I don't know if I can cope with the thought of him always being out there," she said sadly.

"I'm so sorry Liv. I wish there was something I could do. All I can promise you is that I will be by your side throughout." He kissed her hand again.

She placed her head on his chest, kissing him lightly, trying to force all thoughts of Pat Miller out of her mind. Right now she only wanted to think of the present.

If only it were that easy.


	35. Chapter 35: Reappearance

**A/N I am so sorry about the delay with this chapter. My children were ill over the weekend and then I have been ridiculously busy with work this last week, and so have had no time at all to write. I finally managed to sit down and write this chapter now.**

35

Reappearance

November 28

Elliot glanced at her as she folded the laundry, a little nervous about the conversation ahead. She was wearing her favourite tight jeans and each time she leaned over to pick some clothes out of the laundry basket, they would ride down ever so slightly, revealing her lacy black underwear, which also happened to be his favourite. He was smugly aware that after telling her that a week or so ago, she seemed to be washing and wearing them a lot more frequently. He stepped towards her, ignoring his initial instinct to playfully grab her backside, aware that she was understandably nervous about being approached from this angle without warning. Instead he cleared his throat to let her know he was there and as she turned round to smile at him he gently placed his hand on her arm briefly.

"I'm nearly done here," she said. "Did you speak to him?"

"Yes, I did," he replied, reaching down to help her fold the remaining clothes. The information he had was positive, it was just that bringing up the subject in general made him slightly nervous. He was never completely sure how she would react. One day she would take things in her stride, another day just mentioning it could send her spiralling into a depression. He knew it was totally normal for her to be up and down, but he hated to play any part in influencing her mood negatively and as the bearer of news, he sometimes ran that risk.

"Any developments?" she asked. He looked at her carefully, trying to predict her frame of mind. He decided to just get it over with.

"Yes in fact. They've finally got a lead," he said, trying to sound upbeat as he spoke. She wasn't stupid, she would know that while it was true it was a lead, it was still no guarantee it would actually lead to Miller's arrest.

"Really?" She stopped mid-fold of the last item of clothing and looked at him questioningly. Her stomach knotted with anticipation. Was it possible they could finally be getting close to him?

Elliot explained to her what Cragen had told him. "It appears Miller turned up at his daughter's school out of the blue yesterday. She told her mother who then informed the police. It appears that, unlike Miller himself had described, their separation wasn't entirely amicable and when the police went to talk to her about the warrant for his arrest back in October, she had said that she would turn him in if he ever showed up. So the local police will be sitting on the school for the next few days and if he turns up again, they'll arrest him and start the extradition process."

He was watching Olivia carefully as he spoke. He could see how much she wanted to believe that this was really it, the final step in apprehending her attacker, but at the same time he recognised a kind of defeated look in her expression, which came from her worry that maybe this was just too good to be true. He understood. She was trying not to get her hopes too high just in case they ended up being dashed. She was trying to protect herself.

"They're going to get him Liv," he said encouragingly.

She looked straight back at him without answering. He reached towards her and took her into his arms. She briefly closed her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder.

After a minute, she pulled away and announced she wanted to go for a run.

"If you wait five minutes, I'll join you," he offered.

"Elliot, if you don't mind, I really would like to go alone. It's nothing personal. I just need to clear my head."

"OK, I understand," he said. He was a little disappointed that she didn't want him with her, but lately she had been going off on her own to run in the mornings. He knew it was her way of building her confidence back up venturing out alone like this. It had to be a wonderful sign that she was truly on the road to recovery.

"I won't be long," she said. "I'll just run down to the bridge and back."

"OK," he said. The bridge was only about a ten minute run away, so she should only be gone around twenty minutes. He thought he could check his emails while she was gone. In some ways a bit of time alone would be nice, he thought. He watched her put on her running shoes and kissed her goodbye just before she disappeared out of the door. He secretly stood at the window, hiding a little behind the curtain, just in case she looked back, which she didn't. He watched her until she ran out of sight. Not even two months had passed since her attack and she was out running alone already. It hit him again him just how strong a person she really was.

December 6

(A week later)

They lay in each other's arms naked, him stroking her hair and her, his chest. It was late morning and they still hadn't got up.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

She smiled. It was obviously his way of telling her that he was.

"A little," she said.

"I'll make us some brunch," he offered.

"Do you have to go?" she complained snuggling into him a little more.

"Well, I do if you want to eat," he replied, wriggling free from her grasp. He stood and started hunting around for some clean underpants. "Come on, get up! I can put you back to bed after we've eaten if you like."

"Put me back to bed?" she said indignantly.

"Yes!" he replied teasingly, leaning over and tickling her suddenly.

She laughed and rolled away and got to her feet.

"Fine, you win. I'm up," she said. "I'm heading to the shower. See you in five."

He pulled on a T-shirt and some jeans and then headed towards the kitchen to start on brunch. He was pleased. They had been having a great couple of days. She seemed in good spirits and he hoped she would stay this positive and happy for a while. They had talked a little about what she might do once they went back to the city the following week. She had again stated that she thought maybe she wouldn't go back to the special victims unit after everything that had happened, but she still wasn't sure yet whether she wanted to leave the force altogether or whether she wanted a transfer. He had suggested maybe she could get involved in the training side of things. She had seemed interested in considering the possibility. He knew he would sleep better knowing she wasn't out on the streets endangering her life. He hated to imagine anything ever happening to her. For the first time he had a real taste of what Kathy must have been feeling all those years and he suddenly felt bad for her.

So far there hadn't been any more news about the case since Miller had shown up at his daughter's school the previous week and she hadn't mentioned it at all. He assumed she preferred to put it out of her mind and so he didn't mention it either. There was something reassuring about the fact that Miller had been spotted on the opposite coast, miles away.

After their meal, she announced she was going on her morning run, although it was closer to a midday run now. He had been hoping he would be able to 'put her back to bed' but he guessed they had all afternoon for that. She said she'd go down to the boat jetty, which was about a half hour away, so he knew she'd be gone for an hour. It was actually the longest run she had undertaken alone yet.

About fifteen minutes after she left the phone rang. He answered it, somewhat surprised to discover it was Cragen. He didn't usually call at this time of the day. He wondered if there had been a development.

"What's up?" he asked apprehensively.

"Elliot, we found out that Pat Miller contacted Joe McLachlan last night. He says he called obsessing over some female police officer and said he was coming back to see her. McLachlan realised it must be the woman he's accused of raping and he informed us, saying he wanted no part in any rape allegations. He still swears adamantly that he knew nothing any rapes until the police questioned him and told him then that Miller was under suspicion. "

Elliot felt the adrenalin coursing through his body at the thought of Miller threatening to come after Olivia, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. Miller would be assuming they were in the city. He wouldn't know where they were. He felt himself calming down considerably as he told himself this.

"There's more Elliot," Cragen continued. He seemed agitated, Elliot thought. His own anxiety immediately returned and he braced himself for whatever it was.

"We had a call from one of Olivia's neighbours and she said that a man calling himself Samuel Florence and fitting Pat Miller's description was knocking on people's doors asking her whereabouts."

"Did anyone say anything? Does he know we're here?" Elliot could barely get the words out, he was speaking so quickly.

"Unfortunately her landlord mentioned it. Elliot, we've also had a hit on his credit card. It was used this morning to pay for a hotel up there, not far from you guys."

"He _wants_ us to know he's coming!" Elliot said incredulously. That was the only explanation. Why else would he have used a credit card that he must have known they'd immediately be able to trace?

"Elliot, you and Olivia need to leave and come straight back to the city. I'm sending a patrol over to you, but don't waste any time. You need to get out of there, now."

"Olivia's not here!" Elliot said slowly, suddenly realising the significance of his words.

"What do you mean?" Cragen barked back.

"She… she's gone out on a run. Shit, Captain. What if he's got her? I gotta go!"

"Elliot! Stay calm! It's unlikely. Just go and find her and get yourselves on the road as soon as you can. Don't even bother to pack. Just get out of there! We can get someone to pack up for you and send your things down to the city."

"Understood. I'll call you when I find her."

"Thanks Elliot." The captain hung up, knowing that Elliot needed to go now.

Elliot felt the panic threaten to envelop him. This was bad. If Miller had been in the area a few days, it was likely he'd found them and been watching them. There was therefore a reasonable chance that he could be waiting for her on the jogging trail. He could already have her now! If he'd been watching them, he would have known that she went out on her own for a run every morning. What had he been thinking? He never should have let her go off on her own. Not while Pat Miller was still out there. They had been lulled into a false sense of security, assuming he wouldn't come back to the city and risk getting caught. The fact that Miller seemed unconcerned by this scared Elliot. What did he want anyway? Was he planning to rape her again? … Kill her?

His hands were shaking as he quickly pulled on his shoes. The one good thing was that she had left much later this morning than she usually did. If Miller had been waiting on the jogging path, then surely he would have assumed she wasn't going to run today and given up by now? He set off at a brisk pace. He debated for a moment about calling out to her, as he didn't want to potentially tip Miller off about where she was, but he decided that it was far better to do everything he could to find her as quickly as possible. He suddenly felt weighed under at the thought that he wasn't armed. How could he possibly protect her? If Miller had a weapon he would be able to overpower them both immediately. This was really not good at all.

Elliot ran, his mind racing. It had only been twenty minutes since she had left. In another ten minutes she would reach the jetty, then turn and start heading back in his direction, which meant that he should find her within twenty minutes. Unless she had decided to take a rest at the jetty, in which case it would be a little longer. All he could do was keep going and hope that she was alright.

This was going to be the longest run of his life.


	36. Chapter 36: Jeopardy

36

Jeopardy

December 6

He was running as fast as he could, certain that it was purely adrenaline now carrying him forward at this pace. He liked to think he was fairly fit, for he still worked out and exercised fairly regularly. He knew he had probably slipped a little since leaving the force, but since he wouldn't be running after perps any longer, he hadn't been too concerned. He regretted not doing more. He couldn't help but feel that every second counted. He had to get to her. He had to find her. He couldn't bear the thought of her suffering any more and especially at the hands of Pat Miller, again. The way he was feeling right now, he wasn't sure that he would be able to stop himself from wrapping his hands around his throat if he ever ran into him.

His foot hit a rock and he almost stumbled as he tried to maintain his balance. He knew he couldn't carry on like this. He would have to slow down his pace a little. It was frustrating, acknowledging the limitations of his body. Where on earth was she? Surely he should be close now? Couldn't she hear him thundering down the path? All he could hear was the sound of his shoes smashing against the ground, the noise of his breath and the pounding of his heart in his ears. He had been hoping there might be someone. Someone who could say, oh yeah, she's just five minutes down the path. She's fine. But there was no one. Why hadn't she taken her phone with her? He knew the answer to that really: it was a hindrance having it weigh down your pocket as you ran. Neither of them had thought she would need it.

Once again his heart filled with dread at the thought of the impact it could have on her should Pat Miller actually get to her. He couldn't even imagine the fear and desperation she would feel, her nightmares becoming reality once again. What if he really did kill her this time? Surely he wouldn't straight away though? This guy was supposedly obsessed with her. Surely he would have other plans, at least at first. It was horrible to think about, but at least that would give him time to find her and rescue her. His biggest concern was her life. He needed her alive. He needed her in his life. Why had he let her out of his sight? He should have gone with her.

He wanted to yell for her, but he hardly had enough breath to run, let alone shout. He decided to concentrate on running. The sooner he reached her the better. Time was standing still. How long had he been running? He glanced quickly at his watch. Twenty minutes had past. Surely she must be close and he'd spot her at any moment? Every bend he turned, he hoped and hoped that she would appear before him. Every time she didn't he told himself it would be the next bend. Not finding her was not an option. It just wasn't.

He rounded the corner and saw it; the jetty. Shit, he had arrived. Where the hell was she? He couldn't see any sign of her. His stomach clenched. Had Miller got to her already? Had he killed her and thrown her into the lake? He stopped running and painfully stepped onto the jetty. He had to stay calm. He would look for signs of a struggle, blood, torn clothes, anything at all to suggest something had happened. A quick five minute sweep and he found absolutely nothing. It was as though no one had ever been here. The lake was calm, barely a ripple on its surface.

He felt completely demoralized. His mind had been racing with a plethora of horrible scenes he could possibly run into, but it hadn't occurred to him that he might find absolutely nothing. This was torture. He couldn't stand it. He knew he was starting to lose it. He needed to pull himself together and quickly.

He heard the sound of someone approaching and immediately he wondered if it was her, feeling the hope revitalise him. He looked towards the sound and his heart sank. It was a complete stranger. Then he realised the stranger was walking in the opposite direction from which he had come and once again he felt encouraged as he realised that this person could very well have seen her.

"Excuse me!" he said breathlessly. "Have you seen a woman running? She's wearing a grey and pink jogging suit with white sneakers. He took in the suspicious expression on the stranger's face and realised that he probably looked a complete mess. He was out of breath, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, which were hardly standard jogging attire and he was certain that his desperate pleas were probably coming across badly.

"It's OK," he said, forcing himself to speak a little more slowly, with hopefully less sheer emotion in his voice. "She's my girlfriend. Something important came up back home and I need to speak to her immediately. Look, here's a picture of us." Never had he been more appreciative of the convenience of modern technology. He quickly showed the man a picture of them together on his cell phone. It seemed to do the trick for the stranger's expression softened and he spoke.

"Ah, yes. I saw her about five minutes ago, running up the track." He pointed back in the direction he had come from. Elliot wondered if there had been some mistake. She had explicitly said she would go as far as the jetty then return. Had she changed her mind and decided to go on a little? How far was she planning to go?

"Thanks!" he said quickly, deciding that since she had a five minute head start on him, it would be best to get going as quick as possible.

"Liv!" he suddenly yelled. Maybe at just five minutes away she would hear him? He willed her to somehow sense him. _Come on Liv, turn back. _

He ran for another ten minutes before he came to a clearing on the side of the track with some tree stumps placed for joggers or walkers to use as a resting point. There was also a public toilet. As he neared the place he noticed the man standing just outside the ladies. Then he knew. It was him. Even with the cap and the coat collar pulled up, he still recognised him. His figure was etched into his memory. His heart sank. She must have slipped into the toilets and he was waiting outside for her. The bastard was within metres of her.

He remembered all of his promises to her. _I'll never let him get near you again. You're safe now. _He was overcome with fury at seeing that prick standing there in broad daylight. There was no way he would allow him to touch her. He would do anything to prevent that. He glanced around quickly for anything he could use as a weapon. There was nothing, not even a usable branch.

Quietly he approached the guy. It took all of his willpower not to scream out to her to lock herself in the toilets and not to come out until the police arrived.Where were they anyway? Cragen had said that they were supposed to be on their way. He couldn't give away his approach just yet though. He needed to be closer. The one thing he did have on his side was the surprise. It might just be enough to give him the edge. It had to be. Losing this fight was not an option.

He was so close. Almost there, then Miller suddenly spun around. He must have heard him. Damn.

"Liv!" he yelled. ""Lock yourself in. Don't come out. He's here!" Miller stared in surprise but he only paused for a matter of seconds before he pulled himself together and reacted. He suddenly lunged at Elliot. Elliot dodged him easily and managed to throw the first punch. Then the two men were embroiled in a true fistfight, with both throwing and receiving punches which bruised knuckles and drew blood. At one point Miller wrestled Elliot almost to the ground, but Elliot managed to kick him hard on the shin, causing Miller to temporarily lose his balance. Elliot used it to his advantage and kicked him again, this time aimed to the back of his legs. Miller fell to his knees and Elliot continued to pummel his upper body. During the course of the fight they had moved away from the toilet block slightly and just as Elliot was about to throw another large punch straight to the side of Miller's head, a figure appeared in the doorway. It was her. He looked straight at her and saw the look of absolute terror and horror in her eyes as she took in the sight of him fighting the man who had raped her and never ceased to torment her since.

He saw the tears streaming down her face. He saw the way her body had frozen. He knew she couldn't move. It was just the way she had described when talking to him about the rape. The reality before her was overwhelming. He could see she couldn't take it in, couldn't comprehend that Pat Miller was here, that he had come back for her and that the only thing between him and her was Elliot. He had to protect her. He had to prevent this bastard from ever getting near her again.

Seeing her appear before him, was too much of a distraction and Miller was ready. He reached down into his boot and withdrew the blade. Before he realised what was happening, Miller thrust the blade into Elliot's abdomen hard. Elliot gasped with shock as at first all he felt was the strange sensation of the blade penetrating him, followed by an excruciating agony, such that he had never experienced ever before in his life. He fell to the ground, still in disbelief that he had been stabbed. The knife had come from nowhere. It was still inside him. Miller had thrust so deep that it was buried up to the handle.

He was aware of the sound of screaming and he realised it was Olivia, but he wasn't really sure if it was real or whether it was just a horrible nightmare. He felt like he was in his own bubble. Things were happening around him, but all he could focus on was the pain and the awful sensation of having that knife inside him. He had placed his hands to his belly as soon as he had been hit. He withdrew them now, shocked at how much blood there was on them already. Somewhere inside his mind he recognised that this was not good. He was losing too much blood and too fast. He looked up towards her and he knew that the image of her standing there, sheer horror on her face would haunt him for as long as he lived... and given the amount of blood loss, he was certain that it wouldn't be long.

He watched as Miller turned towards Olivia and his mind screamed out. _No. Leave her alone. _But he was unable to speak. The pain was too overwhelming. He had to do something. He had promised to protect her. He couldn't let her down.

He watched as Miller stumbled towards her, realising he must have hurt him more than he had thought during their fight. Then his eyes returned to Olivia and for the first time he noticed that one of her hands was behind her back. He watched, fascinated and horrified as he saw her rooted to the spot as Miller approached her, reached out and touched her face. He saw her eyes wide with fear and he saw the one hand he was able to see visibly shaking. _No, Olivia. I love you, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. _

Miller seemed to be moving in for a kiss. All Elliot could do was watch, crumpled on the ground as her rapist moved in once again, brushing his lips against hers. He was devastated. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't supposed to be like this. This was so wrong. He barely felt the tear as it rolled down his cheek. He had failed her. The realisation was a pain almost worse than the physical pain he felt stabbing through his gut. The thought at her being raped again ripped at his heart. The thought of her having to endure it again while he watched as he lay dying beside her was too much to bear. He couldn't let this happen. He tried to crawl. He knew it was a futile attempt. He only managed to edge a tiny way forward. Then he saw her raise her arm. Suddenly there was the distinctive sound of something hard smashing into Miller's skull and he dropped to the ground. Elliot stared and realised that Olivia had been holding a brick behind her back and as Miller had kissed her and lost his concentration she had used it to her advantage and smashed the brick down on his head as hard as she could. Where she had found it, he had no idea.

Elliot felt a huge rush of pride and love as he realised that she had fought back. She had been petrified, yet she had still had the presence of mind to find something she could use as a weapon and then had waited for the most opportune moment. Miller had fallen to the ground seemingly unconscious. Elliot hoped he was dead and didn't feel a single shred of guilt for that thought. This sorry excuse for a human being was the epitome of what he considered truly evil.

He was starting to feel dizzy with the pain. This was overwhelming. It was worse than that time he had been shot while working undercover. He felt like he was losing the ability to focus. The only thing he could concentrate on was her and he was aware that she was moving towards him. If only he could hold her one more time. He needed to tell her how much he loved her. He hoped he could get the words out.

He felt her arms wrapping around him as she held him to her and he closed his eyes contentedly. If he had to die, then he was glad it would be in her arms at least.

"Elliot," she said shakily. He could hear the desperation in her voice. "Can you hear me? Stay with me Elliot."

He opened his eyes again. He saw the tears streaming down her face unabated and he felt a small twinge of guilt at what this was doing to her.

Then he felt the pain and pressure as she pressed down on his tummy, attempting to try and stop the bleeding. It was obviously difficult with the knife still lodged inside him. He groaned.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I have to do this though. I have to try and stop the bleeding."

_I know. _

"Elliot, how did you know Pat was here?"

He made as if to speak, but she saw him struggling and placed her hand to his mouth.

"Don't worry. You can tell me later. Just concentrate on staying awake, El! You can do this. You're going to be fine!"

He shook his head. This was bad. He couldn't deny it. He strongly doubted he was going to come through this one. He needed to tell her. He needed to know that she wouldn't give up.

"Liv," he managed to whisper.

"What is it?" she whispered back.

"I love you so much."

"I know, I know. I love you too."

"Liv, promise me. Promise me you won't give up."

"What?" She was terrified. What was he saying?

"You have to go on Liv. You have to live your life. Don't let what's happened here ruin it."

"No Elliot," she said realising what he was saying. "Don't you dare start saying goodbye! I won't let you leave me. You have to fight. You can't die. Please."

"I'm trying… it's just, it hurts so much. Liv, please promise me. Never give up."

"I won't, I promise. But you have to hold on. I'll get help. We'll get you to a hospital. You're going to be OK."

"Love…you," he managed to mouth one more time.

She realised he had lost consciousness. She held on to him tightly, telling him again and again that she loved him too. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't die. He couldn't. How could she possibly be expected to carry on living her life without him? He was everything to her. She needed him. He had to get through this. He couldn't die.


	37. Chapter 37: Devastated

37

Devastated

December 6

What should she do? He was unconscious, bleeding in her arms. She was trying to stop the flow as best she could without dislodging the knife and potentially causing more damage, but she knew that really he needed medical care and soon or else he wouldn't make it. Given the amount of blood she could see, part of her had already accepted that it was unlikely he would pull through this. She tried to keep calm, for she knew that often an injury like this could look worse than it was. Who was she kidding though? He had a knife buried in his gut. Who knew what damage it had done inside his body? From the little she knew about anatomy, she took comfort from the fact that it was thrust more into his left side than his right. She hoped that meant it had missed his liver.

She needed to get help. She glanced over to where Pat Miller was still lying on the ground. She was terrified he could regain consciousness at any moment, but she couldn't focus on that. She had to keep her attention on Elliot. Maybe he had his phone on him? Why hadn't she thought of that before? She realised her sense of time was completely off. It felt like hours since he had been stabbed, but it must have been literally a matter of minutes. She slipped her hand into the pocket on the side of his jeans and immediately felt the hard metal of his phone. She brought it out quickly, feeling grateful that finally something seemed to be going her way. She felt Elliot move slightly as she pulled her hand away. She immediately placed her hand on his face, but he didn't open his eyes.

"I'm going to get help, El," she whispered, kissing him on the cheek.

She pressed the numbers and dialled. The response was immediate.

"I need a bus," she stammered. "My partner has been stabbed." She had said it before thinking, but decided to leave it. He was her partner… in every sense of the word. More tears welled as once again the thought of carrying on without him started to overwhelm her. She forced them back. She couldn't get distracted. The guy on the phone was asking her where she was. Oh God, they were in the middle of nowhere! He could bleed out by then. This was completely futile. No. She had to stay positive. He had never given up on her. He had stayed with her through all those sleepless nights, those days and weeks of her rising and falling moods. He had constantly told her that she would be OK, that she would get through it. She owed him the same patience and faith.

She managed to explain where she was. Come to think of it there was a dirt track leading away from this clearing. Of course, if there were toilets then someone would be maintaining them. The local emergency services would know all the access routes. It wasn't as though they'd have to jog an hour up the path like they had. Maybe they wouldn't take that long to get here after all? He just needed to hang on a little bit longer.

"How long will it take?" she asked, even daring to hope she would hear an answer along the lines of five or ten minutes.

"It'll take about twenty minutes to get a bus to you," the reply came and her heart sank. _Twenty minutes?_ It felt like a life time.

She had no choice. She had to believe that he would make it. She wouldn't give up.

About ten minutes into the wait, he stirred and seemed to be regaining consciousness. He was groggy and confused and she cradled his head gently whispering softly to him. He wasn't making much sense at all. She wasn't even certain he was aware exactly where he was, but she didn't care. The fact that his eyes were open proved to her that he was still alive, still in with a chance, still fighting. She could catch most of his mumbled ramblings and knew he was replaying events in his head, although they were mixed up with other random thoughts.

"Hard… must get a new mattress…. Blue… no, get off her…. Aaagggh, it hurts…. So cold…. Gotta get back to the city….. Miller out there…. Olivia! No…. lock yourself in! Don't come out! _I love you_. Stone… where is she? Car…gotta get in the car. Liv!"

It was heartbreaking. Was he even aware she was there, with him, holding him? The thought of him believing he was going through this alone was devastating.

"Elliot!" she said sternly. "Elliot. It's me Liv. I'm here. I'm here with you. You're going to be OK. I promise."

"Olivia?" he fully opened his eyes now and looked straight into hers. She stroked his hand.

"Yes, it's me. I've got you. I won't let you go."

He smiled. "Liv," he whispered almost contentedly. He grimaced. She knew he was in considerable pain. No wonder he was rambling, not to mention the affect of the blood loss.

"The ambulance is on its way," she told him. "Just rest, Elliot! No, don't try and sit up. I've got you. I love you. You're going to be OK."

It was curious how actually saying the words out loud helped her dare to believe them.

He seemed to sink back a little more against her lap and started mumbling again, but this time she could barely pick out the words. Then he fell silent, his eyes closed and she realised he had slipped unconscious again. Even though it terrified her, part of her was glad for it meant that at least he could escape the pain that she knew must be excruciating.

...

The sound of the sirens was one of the most welcome sounds she thought she had ever heard in her life up until that point. Her tears fell freely with the relief. She knew getting him to a hospital as soon as possible was his only chance.

A police car and a couple of ambulances pulled into the clearing and the occupants of one of the ambulances immediately got out and quickly headed towards her.

"Help him!" she stammered through her tears. "He's been in and out of consciousness. That man over there stabbed him."

"What's your name, Miss?" the lead medic asked her as he knelt to the ground to assess Elliot's condition.

"Olivia…" she replied. "Olivia Benson."

One of the police officers joined them. "You're the pair from New York!" he exclaimed. "We've been looking everywhere for you two, ever since your Captain called us to let us know the situation."

"He called you?" she said confused.

"They found out that Miller was up here and called to warn us. We went straight over to your cabin but it was deserted."

"He must have spoken to Elliot. That's why he came after me! He… he saved my life!"

"I assume this is Elliot Stabler?" the police officer said. The medic was in the process of starting an IV line in his arm.

"Yes. He… he can't die. You have to save him."

"We'll do our best," replied the medic sympathetically. "He's lost a lot of blood though."

"What happened here?" the police officer asked.

"Can't it wait?" Olivia begged exasperated. Her only concern was with Elliot. She knew that this man had to ask her about what had happened though. Pat Miller was lying unconscious a few metres away. Suddenly it hit her, what if she had killed him? Would they be looking at her for murder? The thought of being taken away for questioning, being forcibly separated from Elliot at a time like this, when he needed her more than he ever had before, suddenly filled her with horror. She knew she had acted in self-defence and given the situation she was confident she would be believed, but she also knew there were procedures and she would need to be interviewed and there would be an investigation into her actions. It terrified her.

"I need to stay with him," she begged. "I will answer all your questions, I promise, but please let me stay by his side. I can't leave him."

"Your Captain has already explained everything," said the officer. "He'll be taken into custody," he nodded over towards where Miller was being tended to by another medic.

"Is he…?" she asked nervously. She certainly wouldn't be sorry if he didn't survive, especially given what he had done to Elliot, but at the same time she didn't want to be the one responsible for his death.

"He's unconscious, but he's alive," replied the officer.

"He stabbed him," she said again. She was still in disbelief and the words were all the more shocking said out loud. "He came over to me. I… I had grabbed a brick. It was being used for a door stop in the toilets. I had to protect myself. I couldn't let him do it again! I just wasn't expecting him to stab Elliot. I mean, I knew he carried a knife before, but… it was just so sudden."

"It's OK," soothed the officer. "It sounds like self-defence to me."

"We need to get him to the hospital fast," said the medic. He had finished stabilising Elliot enough for transport.

"I'm coming with you," Olivia said firmly. The officer nodded. He sympathised with everything she had been through. He knew about her rape and he recognised that she must have been petrified coming face to face with her attacker again. He watched her cradling Elliot's head. He could feel her desperation. If this guy didn't survive, she would be a mess, of that he was certain. That she was madly in love with him, fully dependent on him, was plain for anyone to see. He felt the apprehension grip his stomach. This guy looked bad. He'd seen plenty of others far less injured who hadn't made it. He was surprised at how much the plight of these complete strangers was affecting him. Maybe it was because he knew they were fellow police officers and felt an affinity with them? Or maybe it was just simply because the idea of a man dying to protect the woman he loved was something which would pull on anyone's heart strings.

When the medics lifted Elliot onto the gurney and his head was moved from her lap, she took his hand without the IV instead, gripping him tightly, hoping that even unconscious he would be able to sense her presence and take comfort from that. There was no way she was leaving his side. His words resounded in her head. _Never give up. _"I won't give up on you," she whispered squeezing his hand even more tightly.

...

The ride to the hospital was a blur. It took twenty five minutes which in some ways felt like hours and in others like barely seconds. He didn't regain consciousness during that time. He skin was pallid and clammy and he looked extremely ill. The fear which was knotting her stomach was like a new state of being. It didn't even slightly diminish over time. She tried to take each minute as it came. Every one that passed was one closer to reaching the hospital, one more minute that he had survived. She tried not to imagine ahead and what she would do if he didn't survive this. It was too unbearable. It was constantly there in the back of her mind though.

At the hospital, the staff rushed around him, taking his vitals, assessing his condition, ordering tests. There was a stream of medical vocabulary, half of which she barely recognised. She had been told she could stay but she had to stand back and not get in the way of them working on him. She hated to let his hand go. She wanted to talk to him, tell him she was there, but she didn't want to distract the people working on him. She watched with tears pouring silently down her face. Why wasn't he responding? She willed him to wake, just for a few seconds, just to let her know he was going to be OK. They had placed an oxygen mask over his face and she could barely see him.

She was suddenly aware of a nurse taking her arm, trying to lead her away.

"No," she begged. "I can't leave him."

"He'll need surgery," she explained. "Why don't you come and get a drink with me and I'll get the doctor to come and talk to you as soon as I can."

"No!" she said more firmly. "I'm not leaving."

The nurse sighed. The situation didn't look good and this woman would need all her strength to face what she was probably going to have to face soon. She really doubted he would make it through the surgery. He had lost so much blood.

The attending doctor barked out the orders to get him up to theatre straight away and there was a huge rush as everyone hurried to move him as fast as they could. Olivia followed close behind, until they prevented her from going any further. A theatre nurse pulled her into a waiting room and a few minutes later the doctor who had been attending to him downstairs appeared.

"Is he going to be OK?" Olivia asked immediately, getting to her feet as she saw him come in.

"I don't know," replied the doctor honestly. "We suspect he's bleeding from his spleen and will probably need to have it removed in surgery, along with the knife of course."

"But, he'll be OK? They'll be able to stop the bleeding, right?"

"I have to be honest with you. His condition is extremely serious. There are no guarantees. If he survives the surgery he'll still have a long recovery."

_If he survives the surgery? _

She stepped back and sank down onto a chair. She felt dizzy. She leaned forward, placing her head on her knees.

_If he survives? _

What if he died in theatre? What if he really did leave her? She thought she was going to be sick. She felt the nurse's arm on her back.

"Are you OK?" she was asked. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," replied Olivia weakly.

_Just don't let him die. That's all I want._


	38. Chapter 38: Relief

38

Relief

December 6, 16:12

She couldn't keep her eyes off the wall clock. It had been almost two hours now and there was still no news. She was perched on an armchair, with her knees drawn up to her chest, holding her legs tightly with her arms wrapped around them. She was vaguely aware that she hadn't eaten or even drunken much in hours, but there was no way she was moving from the room until she heard whether he had come through the surgery alright. There was a vending machine in there and she had bought a bottle of water, but nothing else. Occasionally a nurse would pop her head round the door and ask her if she needed anything and she would say no and then looking a little unsure she would leave again. She had never felt so alone in her life, but at the same time she didn't want anybody around her. The only person she wanted was fighting for his life and she was terrified he wouldn't make it.

If only she hadn't insisted on going out on her own for those runs. Why had she been so persistent about it? It wasn't as though she enjoyed them all that much really and she was definitely nervous to go out alone, but it had been as though she had needed to challenge herself, to prove to herself and more importantly_ to him_ that she could get her independence back. She hated the thought of being a burden on him, of being a victim for the rest of her life and making him feel he had to protect her and continually tread on eggshells around her. She didn't want him to feel trapped into being with her, thinking that if he left she would fall apart. She wanted him to want to be with her, not feel he had to be. He wanted him to enjoy being with her. Ultimately she was terrified of inadvertently pushing him away.

This was all her fault. He had been stabbed because of her. It was heart-breaking. He had always had her back when they had been partners and he had been her rock ever since the attack, but yet now she had failed him. She should have hit Miller with that brick earlier, before he could reach for his knife, but instead she had once again been frozen to the spot and it could cost Elliot his life. He had to pull through. He just had to.

She wondered briefly if Miller had survived. She knew the police were waiting close by, assured that she wasn't going anywhere while Elliot was in the hospital. She knew she should call Cragen and let him know what was happening directly, but she couldn't face talking to anyone, not until she knew that Elliot was going to be ok. It was the only thing she cared about right now. She knew that the police up here had contacted her Captain and told him everything that had happened, at her request and so she didn't have to worry about keeping him informed. The first thing was to make sure Elliot was alright and then she could worry about the aftermath.

The hands on the clock were moving so slowly. How much longer would this torture last? The only good thing she could think of was that no one had come to tell her any bad news at least. She knew he must be fighting in there. He wouldn't want to leave her. She believed that with all her heart. Oh God, what would she do if he died? The mere thought made her want to cry again.

16:34

The door opened and the surgeon and a nurse entered the room. She felt her heart rate quicken and she stared at them, trying to read their faces. She was petrified to hear what they had to say, but she needed to know. The nurse came to her side and sat down beside her. The surgeon also approached and crouched down in front of her. She panicked, thinking it looked like they were settling in to give her bad news.

"He's dead, isn't he?" she asked, her own words almost tearing her to pieces as she uttered them.

"No," replied the surgeon gently. "He's alive. I had to remove his spleen and he lost a lot of blood. He's been given a blood transfusion…"

"He's alive?" It was the only thing she was able to focus on. "He's really alive?"

"Yes, he is," replied the nurse, reaching for Olivia and laying her hand sympathetically on her forearm.

"He's alive!" Olivia said. Then she lost it. The tears of relief fell hard and as the nurse put her arms around her and held her, she found herself clinging to this stranger and taking some comfort from being held by another human being. A couple of minutes later she pulled away apologetically.

"Can I see him?" she asked nervously. "Is he awake?"

"He's still in recovery at the moment, but he'll be moved to the high dependency unit very shortly. You will be able to visit him there." The surgeon smiled at her.

Olivia suddenly got to her feet and the surgeon stood with her. "Thank you so much doctor," she said. "You will never know how grateful I am to you for everything you've done."

"It's my pleasure," he replied humbly. "I'm afraid I have to rush off – another patient, but the nurse will answer any questions you have."

"Thank you," Olivia replied. She watched the surgeon leave and then she turned to the nurse.

"Did he say he removed his spleen?" she asked.

"Yes, but he will be fine without it. He should make a full recovery. There is a risk of infection after any kind of surgery like this, but he should be fine."

The relief that enveloped her at the nurse's words was like a wave washing over her body and she sank back down onto the armchair, suddenly realising that she was completely and thoroughly exhausted. He had survived the surgery. He was going to be ok! She almost didn't dare to believe it. She was desperate to see him with her own eyes and confirm it for herself.

"How long until I can see him?" she begged.

"I would think within about half an hour or so," replied the nurse. "I have to warn you though, he will be dosed up on pain medications and may be groggy and out of it for a while."

"I don't care. I just need to see him," she replied.

17:15

She stepped forward towards the bed and saw him. It was always disconcerting to see a patient covered in all the tubes and monitoring equipment and even more so because it was him, but the important thing was he was breathing, he was alive and that's what she tried to focus on. She stared at his face. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. He had an oxygen mask covering his face, a nasal tube and a few bruises from the fight, but otherwise he looked like him, albeit a little paler than usual. She came up close and took his right hand in hers. She took in the wires of the two IV lines, the heart rate monitors, the pulse oximeter on one finger of his left hand, the drainage tube coming from the site of his surgery, the urine collection bag and the bandages covering his abdomen. It was all heartbreaking, but he was alive. It was the only thing that really mattered.

She stretched her hand out and gingerly touched his face.

"Elliot," she whispered. "I'm here. I love you so much. I thought I'd lost you." She was again overcome with emotion and her tears fell, dripping on to her arm and on to him too. She realised what was happening and wiped her eyes furiously. As she did, she felt him stirring.

"Elliot?" she said, reaching for his hand and grasping it tightly. "Can you hear me?"

She watched in a kind of stunned state of excitement as he slowly opened his eyes and looked straight at her.

"Elliot!" she said ecstatically.

"Liv? Where… am…I..?" he said.

"You're in the hospital sweetheart. You were stabbed. Don't you remember?"

"Miller!" he exclaimed weakly.

She nodded. "El, don't try to speak. You need to rest. The police have Miller. I don't know what's happening with him. I've been here the whole time, waiting for you to come out of surgery." She felt him squeezing her hand back slightly as she spoke.

"I thought I'd lost you, El," she said again.

"No way," he whispered. "I could never leave you. I love you."

She leaned forward, nuzzling her face gently into his neck. "I love you too," she repeated. "I was so scared El…"

"Sorry," he mouthed.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." She saw him suddenly grimace. "What's wrong?" she asked anxiously.

"Are you in pain?" asked a nurse who had been watching their exchange at a slight distance but now stepped over as she noticed Elliot's obvious discomfort. "I'll up your morphine." Elliot nodded in agreement and then he closed his eyes again.

"The meds will make him drowsy for a while," explained the nurse. "Here, why don't you sit down?" She pulled a chair over and Olivia gratefully sat down, still holding his hand. She was not ready to let him go yet and wondered if she ever would be after this.

18:43

He was still asleep, not having woken since that time earlier. She had stayed by his side ever since, but she had to admit that she was starting to feel the need to stretch her legs. She wondered if she should pop out into the corridor for a brief stroll and take the opportunity to call Cragen. She was starting to wonder what had happened to Miller, whether he had been alright after she had knocked him out. She assumed that if he had died the police would have been much more desperate to talk to her, but so far she had been left alone. She suspected Cragen may have had something to do with that though.

As much as she was loath to leave his side, she needed to find out what was going on. So she gently slipped her hand free of his, stood and leaned over him, kissed him gently on the forehead and told him she would be back really soon. He didn't even stir. She quietly slipped out of the room, breathing deeply as she stepped out into the corridor. She would make the call as quickly as she could, for she wanted to be back by his side as fast as possible. She knew that visiting hours were only until around 20:30 and she wanted to make the most of the time she had. Once he got moved to a regular ward, she could request a private room for him and there would be fewer restrictions. The thought of spending the night away from him pained her immensely. She had no idea where she would go. She wondered if the staff would object or even notice if she hung around the hospital, maybe in the waiting room outside the unit. She couldn't imagine leaving the premises.

She dialled Cragen's number nervously. It would be the first time she had directly spoken with him in a while as Elliot had always taken all the calls, providing her a buffer, protecting her. She stopped short though, as a familiar figure suddenly appeared in the corridor.

"Fin!" she exclaimed, surprised how good it was to see his familiar face.

"Oh baby!" he said sadly, coming straight up to her and wrapping his arms around her tightly.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't get here earlier. Cragen sent me as soon as he heard what had happened. We couldn't leave you alone to deal with this. He wanted to be here himself, but he just can't leave the city right now."

"I can't believe you're here!" she murmured.

"How is he Liv?"

"I thought I was going to lose him!" she said heavily. "I really did."

"He's ok? He pulled through the surgery?"

"Yes, he's in the high dependency unit now, but he got through it. He woke up and spoke to me briefly but he's sleeping again now."

"Thank God!" Fin said with relief.

"I don't know what I would have done, Fin," she said desperately.

"I know, I know," he soothed. "It's ok, Liv. He made it. He's going to be ok."

Once again her tears fell. It didn't feel as embarrassing as she thought it would though. Fin was her colleague, but he was also her friend. She knew he adored her and a few tears would never change his opinion about her or take away his respect. He held her and she was genuinely glad he had come.

"What happened to Miller?" she asked nervously.

"Severe concussion," Fin said. "I heard you gave him a good whack!" He grinned at her as he said it. She looked a little embarrassed. In normal circumstances she would be appalled at the thought of what she had done, but she felt no regrets where Miller was concerned. He deserved everything he got and more. "He's under arrest and will be taken into police custody the second he is released from the hospital. The case against him is looking good. I highly doubt he'll see the light of day again, with murder, rape and corruption charges amongst others.

"It's really over!" she exclaimed.

"Yes. He won't hurt anyone ever again." He held her for a few seconds more, before she started to pull away.

"Fin, I'm really sorry, I've got to get back to Elliot. There's not long left of visiting hours this evening."

"I understand. Look, I'll wait here OK? When they kick you out, I'm taking you out for something to eat and we'll crash in a hotel and then I'll bring you back first thing in the morning."

"I don't know…"

"Captain's instructions, Liv! Elliot will be fine. They will call if anything happens. We'll stay close by the hospital."

"Fine," she agreed. She really didn't want to be alone and it was good to see Fin again.

"OK. You get back to him. I'll be out here, kay?"

"Thanks Fin," she said already walking away.

"No problem, baby. See you in a while," he called after her. He wandered into the waiting room and sank into a chair. He was beyond relieved that Elliot looked like he was going to pull through. He daren't imagine what impact his death would have had on Olivia. He knew Elliot wasn't completely out of the woods yet, but he had overcome the biggest hurdle and he believed that he would be OK. For Olivia's sake, he had to be.


	39. Chapter 39: Uncertainty

39

Uncertainty

December 8

08:30

It was now the second morning since Elliot had been brought to the hospital and she hoped that he would show some improvement today. He had been moved to a regular ward the previous afternoon, but the drugs meant he was still fairly out of it and he had barely acknowledged her presence. She missed him terribly. She was perfectly happy to just sit beside him, knowing that he was getting better and that she just needed to be patient, but she couldn't wait for him to be more alert and with her properly again, talking to her, smiling at her, laughing with her.

Fin had been a rock. He had brought her to and fro to the hospital, made her eat a proper meal in the evenings and sat in the hotel bar with her to keep her company once she had been kicked out of the hospital in the evenings. She hadn't wanted to talk much but he had understood that and had just stayed to keep her company and it had helped keep her from purely fretting about Elliot. Just knowing she had a friend who cared was a huge comfort, not to mention the fact that she really didn't want to be on her own yet, even though she knew Pat Miller was in custody and unlikely to be released on bail given the multitude of charges he was facing.

As she hurried down the corridor towards his room she felt hopeful that he might even be awake when she went in. It was half past eight. She timed her arrival for the exact time that visiting hours began. As she neared his room she noticed there seemed to be people in there and it looked like he was undergoing an examination of some sort by the doctor. She saw a young nurse standing by just outside his room and approached her.

"Is he ok?" she asked, worried, but still expecting the reply to be just that it was a routine round or something.

"He took a turn for the worse in the night," the nurse replied soberly.

Her legs suddenly grew shaky as a horrible feeling started burning in the pit of her stomach. What had happened last night? She immediately regretted leaving him. She should have insisted she stayed. He was no longer in the high dependency unit but in a private room, so perhaps she could have been more insistent?

She stepped towards the room, but the nurse reached out and held her arm.

"Wait a minute," she advised. "The doctors are in with him now. It won't take a moment. They'll explain everything."

"I need to see him," she replied pulling free and going to the door. Simultaneously the door opened and she saw his bed being wheeled out.

"Where are you taking him?" she asked desperately, trying to get close, but not succeeding due to the sheer number of people surrounding his bed.

Another nurse stepped towards her.

"We're taking him up to the ICU," she said. "You can follow us up and wait there until the doctor can talk to you"

ICU? He hadn't even been taken there straight after the surgery. How could things have changed so much overnight? Petrified she followed the trolley as they wheeled him towards the elevators. Her mind was racing with all the possibilities. Why was this happening? They had said he would be ok. She had believed he would be ok. This must be some kind of minor setback, surely? They were probably just being overly cautious. Even so, she could barely breathe.

At the ICU she had been ushered into yet another waiting area, left alone with her fears, to wonder what was happening. She hated being separated from him. She should be by his side. Who cared about rules? He needed her. He needed to know she was there. What if he thought she had left him and he gave up? He had been by her side almost every single second ever since he had come over to her place after her rape and now she owed him the same. She considered calling Fin. He had dropped her off outside the hospital, but he wouldn't have gone far. She decided to wait though. She wanted to be by Elliot's side and she doubted that two visitors would be allowed in and it seemed unfair to call him only to make him wait in the waiting area. She would call him a little later and let him know what had happened then.

She stood and headed towards the main area of the ICU. She saw several people surrounding his bed, rushing around, calling out medical terms of which she had limited understanding. He was covered in even more tubes than he had been when he had first returned from the surgery. There was also something about him. He just looked extremely sick, like he was teetering on the edge of life and death. How could he have deteriorated so rapidly? Why hadn't they called her in the night?

A doctor stepped towards her. She gazed at him, trying to determine how serious this was purely from his expression, but she was unable to decide.

"Tell me he's going to be ok," she said, in a near whisper.

"I'm afraid it looks like he has a serious infection," said the doctor.

Her heart sank. This was bad. Why did this have to happen to him? He was fit and healthy before he had been stabbed.

"We have moved him here to monitor him more carefully. He's being put on strong intravenous antibiotics, but I have to warn you, this is an extremely serious infection and there is a significant chance that he won't recover."

"Noooo," she moaned, her knees suddenly feeling wobbly. "I thought he was going to be OK. You said he was going to be OK!"

"Here," the doctor said, putting his arm around her and leading her to a chair.

"He'll be alright, won't he? The antibiotics will work."

"It's too early to tell. We can only wait and see."

"What are his chances?" she asked.

"I really can't say. Everyone is different."

Now she knew it was bad. He wasn't even giving her a reasonable percentage.

"How…. how long until we know?" she asked.

"We should know if the antibiotics are working within twenty four to forty eight hours."

She felt numb. Not again. Not another agonisingly long wait without any guarantee of a happy outcome at the end. How much could one person be expected to endure?

"Thank you doctor," she said. She just wanted to be by his side now, alone with him. She wanted to talk to him, tell him to fight, tell him she loved him and tell him she would be there for him through it all.

A nurse led her over to his bed and brought her a stool to sit beside him. She took his hand and could feel how warm he was from the fever. His skin felt clammy and his breathing was fast and slightly laboured. Once again she was struck at how quickly his condition had changed from the previous evening, just twelve hours ago. She was heart-broken. She knew she once again faced the serious possibility of losing him and she knew that she couldn't handle it if anything happened to him.

10:13

"Are you sure you don't want me to come?" Fin asked. The news of Elliot's serious turn for the worse had shocked him. He had truly believed he would be OK and now this? His heart ached for Olivia. He knew how worried she must be and he hated this for her. His instinct was to rush to her side, but she had explicitly asked him not to come to the hospital yet, explaining that there was no point as she had no intention of leaving his bed side and he wouldn't be allowed two visitors at a time. In fact visitors to ICU patients were usually restricted to next of kin, but they had made an exception in her case.

"I'm sure, Fin," she replied. "And…. Thanks. I appreciate everything you're doing."

"You're welcome. I just wish I could do more."

"I'll speak to you later," she said, now obviously keen to get back to Elliot.

Fin hung up and immediately dialled his boss' number. He was extremely worried. If something should happen to Elliot, he knew that Olivia would take it extremely hard and he wasn't sure he was capable of dealing with the aftermath alone. Added to the trauma of her attack, losing Elliot might be enough to completely push her over the edge. What if she found herself thinking she no longer had a reason to live? He had always thought of her as being strong, the least likely person in the world to consider taking their own life, but she had been through so much. He knew that there had been serious concerns about her state of mind straight after the attack, understandably of course, and he knew how much she had leaned on Elliot to get through it. He knew how proud she was and how she valued being seen as independent and tough by her co-workers. The rape had forced her to accept that she wasn't infallible and to acknowledge her own limitations, forced onto her purely by her gender. However much she trained or worked out, there would always be an inequality. At the end of the day the chances of one of the guys being attacked and raped, although possible, was considerably lower than that of a female colleague. It was a hard truth. It was unbelievably unfair.

He brought the Captain up to speed on the latest events and was glad when he informed him that he would be driving up there that night, to be damned with what his superiors would say. Munch could handle things while he was gone and Olivia needed him. They had a good relationship and Fin knew that the Captain was the nearest thing to a Father she had ever had. He just hoped it would be enough.

12:43

Olivia stared expressionlessly as the ICU staff swarmed around his bed. She kept her eyes focused on his face, transfixed on his lips which now had a slightly bluish tint to them. He also seemed to breathing even more quickly than before. Much of what she was hearing was going right over her head.

"Resps thirty!"

"What are his latest blood gases?"

"They showed low oxygen tension and increasing respiratory acidosis."

"OK, let's ventilate."

This got her attention.

"You're putting him on a ventilator?" she asked.

"Yes," replied the senior nurse. "He's not getting enough oxygen to his vital organs. The ventilator will help him until the antibiotics start to work and his lungs start to improve."

"OK," she said, taking a deep breath. "He just needed some help. That didn't sound so bad. He could still get through this. He could still be OK."

"I think you should come and wait in the waiting room," the nurse said. "We'll have to sedate him to place the breathing tube. I will come and get you as soon as the procedure is completed."

"No, I want to stay."

"It's hospital policy. Come on, I'll get you a cup of tea or coffee. It won't take long and then you can come back."

"OK," she gave in. She was too drained to fight. She followed the nurse and accepted some tea and sipped at it unenthusiastically as she waited to hear that the procedure had been completed.

13:05

She was led back into the room and immediately hit with the sight of him lying there, now with a breathing tube.

"Can he hear me?" she asked, her eyes filling with tears as she was suddenly hit once again by just how vulnerable he was right now.

"He's under sedation, but it's possible he can sense your presence," said the nurse. "Talk to him. It's OK."

Once again she stepped over to his bed and sank into the stool beside him. She grasped his hand tightly and leaned forward so that her mouth was virtually against his ear when she spoke.

"It's me, El," she said. "It's Olivia. I'm here with you. You're going to be OK. I love you so much."

There was no response, not even a flutter of his eyelashes or a twinge in his hand. She wondered if he could hear her, if he knew she was there. She wondered if she would ever again hear him say that he loved her back.


	40. Chapter 40: Despair

40

Despair

December 8

17:23

"There's someone outside to see you."

Olivia reluctantly turned her head away from Elliot and met the nurse's gaze. She knew she was emotionally drained and it was showing in her expression and her stance. She had a vague awareness that she looked terrible, but she didn't really care. The couple of times she had forced herself away from his side to visit the rest room, she had briefly seen her reflection in the mirror and under normal circumstances would probably have been horrified at her appearance. Now, however, she was just numb. What did it matter? If Elliot didn't pull through this, nothing would matter.

She assumed it was Fin. He was probably worrying about her and had come to try and convince her to leave Elliot's bed side to take a rest or grab a bite to eat. She appreciated his concern, but she couldn't help feeling irritated that he thought dragging her away from Elliot would be in her best interest. She could manage without eating or sleeping for the day or two it would take for them to know whether he was going to pull through this or not. How could anyone expect her to leave his side now? The only slight comfort she could take from the situation was that she was at least with him and if he shouldn't survive this, at least he would be in her arms when it happened. She would never leave him to go through this alone.

"I can't leave him," she said firmly.

"I promise I will call you in the second anything changes," the nurse tried, but Olivia shook her head. Fin would have to wait.

"Are you sure?" The nurse was nothing if not persistent.

"I'm not leaving," Olivia said determinedly, her gaze now fully back on Elliot. As far as she was concerned the matter was over. She didn't even register the nurse leaving the room.

"El, you have to fight," she begged him. "You can beat this. You can."

She stroked his hand gently. There was still no response. She knew it was the drugs, but even so it was so disappointing not to get any indication at all that he could hear her, that he knew she was there.

She hadn't cried since he had been moved to the ICU. It was as though she were in some kind of surreal trance. There was a deep fear burning in the pit of her stomach, but aside from that she felt nothing but numbness. She was just waiting and it was as though everything else in the world was on hold. She couldn't bring herself to imagine beyond this moment. He would survive this. He had to. She didn't want to even consider the alternative.

She heard the door of the ICU open and then his voice softly calling her name in an attempt to get her attention.

"Olivia."

It was gentle and caring but strong and confident. It was so familiar and strangely smoothing.

"Captain!" she exclaimed, genuinely surprised he had come. The nurse must have made an exception allowing him in here. It suddenly hit her that he had driven all this way and feeling incredibly moved by his presence, she suddenly found her eyes filling with tears. Perhaps she wasn't as numb as she had thought!

He stepped forward and she quickly rose to her feet. There was an awkward moment where it looked like he was going to take her into his arms, but he hesitated as he wondered if it was the right thing to do. Olivia made the decision for him as she leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her gently, holding her for a few seconds, before releasing her. He saw she was quietly crying now and his heart almost broke.

"How is he?" her boss asked gently.

"Bad," she replied miserably. "He might not make it Captain." Her voice cracked and with concern Cragen realised how close she was to losing control. Her eyes looked listless and she had a broken expression on her face. He took her back into his arms and held her tightly against his chest, as she cried the tears that she had been holding back for hours now.

He hated seeing his tough and tenacious detective break down in his arms like this. It ripped at him. There was nothing he could do but hold her and hopefully let her know that she wasn't alone, that people cared about her. He knew it would never be comparable to what she had with Elliot, but he hoped it would go some way to helping her.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually, pulling away and wiping her eyes roughly. She sat back down and took Elliot's hand in hers again.

"He saved my life," she said soberly.

"He's a fighter, Liv," Cragen said, implying there was hope, yet at the same time given how sick he looked, not convinced there really was much

"He is," she said proudly. "But look at him Captain."

Cragen stared at the still form on the bed, covered with tubes and monitors. He looked barely alive. In fact it was painfully obvious that it was only the machines keeping him alive at the moment. It was so unfair.

"Liv, you can't give up! Give him a chance," he said.

"I'm not giving up, Captain!" she snapped, angry at the implication. "I am just trying to be realistic. Even the doctor wouldn't give me an answer when I asked what his chances are."

"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean it like that. I just wish there was something I could do, something I could say."

"There isn't," she said curtly.

She suddenly felt bad. She shouldn't be taking out her anger on him. She should be directing her anger towards Pat Miller, no one else.

"I'm sorry Captain. It's just so hard."

"I know. You don't need to apologise. Listen, I think I will leave for now. I'll come back later and see how he is and how you are."

"Thanks Captain." She turned towards him, watching him walk away. "I'm glad you're here. Thanks for coming," she said. He nodded and slipped out of the room.

18:52

Olivia listened to the doctor's update on Elliot's condition glumly. So far there was no indication that the antibiotics were working, but the doctor insisted that it was still much too early to give up. Unfortunately it looked like he had started going into early renal failure and they had needed to give him drugs for that, plus some drugs to keep his heart stable. The doctor explained that if the antibiotics didn't start to fight off the infection soon, his systems would start to shut down one by one and they were already seeing the early signs of this. To Olivia it felt like this was the proof that he was slowly slipping away from her. In some ways she had started to accept now that she really would lose him. She still held hope, but as she sat beside him, his warm hand in hers, she started to talk to him and tell him everything she could think of that she had ever wanted to, but not dared.

She told him about some of the major events of her childhood which had shaped her life, events that she had never told a single soul before. She told him about her previous boyfriends and one in particular who had hurt her pretty badly at the time. She had buried it deeply and it felt strange to be telling him, but she wanted to share everything with him. She felt like it was her last chance to really open up to him. She talked about how she had fallen in love with him and about how she had finally realised and accepted it. She told him how much she appreciated his support and love after what had happened back in October. Most importantly she told him how much she loved him and how sorry she was that she hadn't been able to do anything to help him. She told him how much she regretted freezing as she had and not hitting Pat Miller with the brick earlier, before he could reach for the knife. Finally she leant over to him and whispered into his ear.

"El, I know I promised you… but I really don't think I can do this alone. I know this sounds pathetic, like a cliché from a bad romance novel or something, but I can't live without you. I really can't. I'm so sorry I'm not the person you thought I was. You thought I was strong, but now I know I'm not. I can't do it. Please don't hate me sweetheart. I love you so much."

She leaned forward and rested her head against the side of his, feeling the tube of the ventilator brush against her skin as she cried silent tears.

She suddenly felt a very slight squeeze of her hand and sat up surprised. Had he moved? Had he really moved? He was so still. Surely it must have been her imagination? He was completely under the effects of the medication. It was probably wishful thinking on her behalf. Or maybe it was an involuntary twitch? She leaned back down. She knew that what she had just told him wasn't fair at all. Say if he could by some miracle hear her, she knew it would break his heart, but she was convinced he was incapable of understanding her now. She couldn't lie to him anyway. He deserved to know the truth, however hard it was to face.

She leaned back against his face and closed her eyes, imagining that she was back in the cabin, lying in bed with him and that everything was fine. She hadn't gone out on that run. Instead they had returned to the bedroom after their meal and were lying naked wrapped in each other's arms after just having made love once again. He was stroking her and she him. Nothing existed in the world but the two of them and their love. She had never been raped. In this alternate reality Pat Miller didn't even exist. They had gone out on the date that Elliot had told her about and slowly they had begun a relationship. They had become lovers naturally and innocently. He had invited her away to the Lake and she had gone happily. They had made love for the first time up there, with no dark shadows looming over them, no nightmares, and no flashbacks. It was perfect.

She didn't want to open her eyes ever again. She stayed like that snuggled up against his face and eventually she felt herself drifting off to sleep. She didn't fight it. Her last thought as she succumbed was that perhaps it really wouldn't be so bad if she never woke up again.


	41. Chapter 41: Outcome

41

Outcome

December 12

Four long days had passed. She had barely left his side. Both Fin and her Captain would pop in from time to time, trying to convince her to leave and get some food or some rest, but she had refused. They sneaked her in drinks and sandwiches and other snacks and the nurses had kindly turned a blind eye. Everyone was moved by how determined she was to stay by Elliot's side, but she knew they were extremely worried about how she would cope should Elliot not pull through. Elliot had remained fairly stable thanks to the drugs he had been given, but it was still touch and go. The doctors were starting to indicate that if he didn't begin to show some improvement very soon now, it wouldn't be a good outlook.

Olivia was exhausted, mentally and physically. It was as though a huge shadow was hanging over her. Her life was on hold. Any sleep she did manage to get in the chair by Elliot's side was fitful and the nightmares would still haunt her long after she woke. She was aware enough to recognise just how depressed and desperate she was and she was terrified that someone would notice and force her away from his side. So she kept up the pretence that she was coping better than she was. She smiled at the nurses, nibbled on the food she was given, forced herself to drink.

She had been fine before, used to being on her own but then her relationship with Elliot had changed from that of friends to lovers, soul mates even. What cruel fate was it that could show her what was possible, only to threaten to take it all away again? She didn't want to go back to being purely a tough and resilient detective, someone who was ultimate lonely outside of her job. She was more than that. She wanted more than that. Didn't she deserve it? This was the question that grated away at her. She wondered again if perhaps she didn't. The child of rape who was later raped herself; unloved and alone. Love had been dangled in front of her only to be ripped away again.

A tear involuntarily rolled down her cheek, followed by another. She immediately chastised herself. What was the point in crying? Fat lot of good that would do her! She stared at Elliot. Why wasn't he getting better? Maybe he felt like he had fallen into a trap. He had thought he loved her, opened his heart to her and she had accepted his love, pulling him into her dark world of nightmares and flashbacks, pain and depression. She had effectively trapped him. He was a good man. There was no way he would leave her while she was so down. Maybe this was his only way to escape her clutches. Maybe that was why he had given up?

She knew it was her own insecurities making her think like this. Deep down she truly believed he did actually love her. At the same time though, the thought of even part of him feeling like he was stuck with her devastated her. She leaned over to him and laid her head on his chest and she cried silently, willing him to survive and wishing she could be stronger.

She suddenly realised she felt something. She had been so consumed by her own abject misery that she realised she hadn't noticed him move, but it was unmistakeable. His arm was now definitely around her and he was very gently squeezing her. She sat up and immediately saw that his eyes were open. He looked confused and she could see the fear in his eyes, no doubt brought on by the strange sensation of having a tube down his throat, not to mention all the other machines he was currently hooked up to. She knew that he recognised her.

"Elliot!" she whispered. "Oh my God, Elliot…" She reached for the buzzer and pressed it frantically. "Nurse!" she cried, almost yelling. A nurse rushed over and realising her patient was conscious, hurriedly buzzed for the doctor.

"Mr Stabler, do you know where you are?" she asked, coming right in close to his ear. Olivia stepped away slightly to allow the nurse better access.

He nodded slightly, his eyes desperately searching for Olivia's. She saw his distress and stepped back directly into his line of vision, reaching for his hand and clasping it tightly.

"I'm not leaving," she said. "I'm right here." He seemed to relax slightly.

"I know it probably feels strange," said the nurse. "You have a tube down your throat helping you breathe, so you can't talk right now. Do you remember what happened?"

Once again Elliot nodded.

"The doctor will be here in a minute to do an exam. Are you in any pain or discomfort?"

Elliot didn't respond. Instead he just stared at Olivia. He looked like he wanted to say something.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked him gently, leaning in slightly.

He shook his head and tried to raise his hand. Olivia helped him and brought it to her face, kissing his fingers. He reached over to her cheek and lightly brushed under her eyes, removing some of the dampness from her tears. Then Olivia understood. She had been sobbing on his chest just a few moments ago and her face was damp with tears. He was obviously upset to see her so distressed.

"I'm OK, El," she said smiling. "These are happy tears now."

December 13

Olivia watched nervously as the doctor prepared to remove the tube. They were finally taking him off the ventilator after he had passed the spontaneous breathing trial a little earlier that day and he had just successfully tolerated the ventilator being turned onto CPAP settings for the past thirty minutes. Unable to get close enough to hold his hand during the procedure, she settled for keeping a hand on his foot. She watched entranced as they removed the tube. Elliot coughed and gagged as it came up and they immediately placed an oxygen mask on him. He was off the breathing machine. It was a huge step forward. The doctor had spoken to her in depth about the fact that recovery from something like this could have its ups and downs, but despite that she still felt positive. He was breathing alone and conscious. These were huge positive milestones in her book.

The doctor moved over to the other side of the room to look at something or other and Olivia took the opportunity to move up towards his head.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. He looked at her nervously.

"Can you speak?" she asked, sensing his apprehension.

"O...livi…a," he said. His voice sounded hoarse. She guessed that was only to be expected after having a tube stuffed down your throat for the best part of a week.

"Yes," she said, coming in closer and nuzzling into his neck."

"You look terrible!" he croaked.

"Why thank you," she said, her tone light, although part of her was a little hurt at the bluntness.

"No, I don't mean it like that," he said immediately realising his error. "I mean, you're as beautiful as ever. Just… you look so tired."

"Oh I see," she said, smiling weakly.

"How long have you been here?"

"Five days or so," she replied.

"You've been by my side this whole time?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Liv," he said shocked. "You need to rest sweetheart."

"I've been able to sleep here a little," she said.

"Oh Liv…I…" He felt terrible. He suddenly realised just how worried she must have been while his life hung in the balance. Almost a whole week had passed!

"Liv, I want you to go to a hotel, get a good night's sleep tonight. I'll be fine. You can come back in the morning."

"I'm really fine El."

"I know, but please, for me. I hate to see you looking so tired."

"OK," she agreed. "Fin and the Captain have been nagging me for days, so they will be happy at least."

"Fin and Cragen are here?"

"Yeah."

"Wow! Although I'm glad you've had people here." He thought the real reason he was glad was that had he not pulled through this she would need someone.

"I thought I'd lost you for a while…" she said sadly.

He looked at her and once again his heart lurched. For five days she had been glued to his bedside, not knowing if he would live or die. She had barely slept and barely eaten and he could only imagine the worry and distress she had gone through. He knew her well enough to know that she had probably been blaming herself too.

"Come here," he said, reaching his arms out to her. The gruffness of his voice was only in part due to the breathing tube: he was suddenly extremely emotional. He hated being stuck in the bed and wished he could take her in his arms more insistently, with more strength. The bed was raised so he was half sitting up. He felt quite weak after being in bed so long. She came in close to him and he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She snuggled into him and he knew she was crying, but he didn't say anything. She needed to let it out. He wished he could promise her nothing bad would ever happen again, but he knew he couldn't do that. What he could promise her though was that whatever happened he would always love her.

"Liv," he whispered. "You know I love you so much?"

"I love you too," she replied, sniffing slightly. He kissed her head.

"Thank you Liv," he said, suddenly taking on an extremely serious tone.

"For what?" she asked puzzled.

"For being here," he replied.

"Where else would I be?" she smiled.

"I know it hasn't been easy. I hate that you have been so worried."

"I don't care," she said vehemently, pulling her head up and looking straight at him. "All that matters is that you are getting better," she continued earnestly. "Please don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll get some sleep and I'll be fine. I promise. Just you worry about getting better. I want you home with me as soon as possible!"

"OK," he said. "I'll do my best." He pulled her head back down to his chest and held her tightly. It felt so good to have her in his arms. He knew in that moment that he truly did love her more than ever. He couldn't imagine life without her now.

December 13

The following morning she woke and glanced at the clock, shocked to see it was after ten in the morning and she had slept over twelve hours. She leapt out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to take a quick shower. She had intended to wake early and go along to the hospital as soon as visiting hours began, but it appeared she had slept through her alarm. Elliot was probably wondering where on earth she had got to.

After the world's speediest shower, she dressed quickly and hurried out of the door. The hotel was just across the street from the hospital, so she would be there in no time. She wondered if he had made further improvements overnight. The evening before the doctor had sounded extremely positive. Elliot's blood test results had come back better than expected and he had expressed surprise at how well Elliot was doing. She knew he was a fighter though. Now that he had got through the worst hurdle, she felt confident he would recover in leaps and bounds.

She made her way to the ICU, excited to see him, but feeling a little guilty that she was so late. As she entered the room she immediately saw his bed was empty. She stopped in her tracks. Was it possible he had died over night and they hadn't called her? How could that be? Had she slept through the call? The blood drained from her face and she reached out for the wall to steady herself. No…. he had seemed so much better the night before. This couldn't be right. She reached into her handbag for her phone and panicked as she realised it wasn't there. She must have left it in the hotel room. Maybe they had been calling her and she had been sleeping? Where was the damn nurse? She looked around and spotted someone at the end of the room.

The nurse saw her and headed over cheerfully. Olivia glared back. How could she be smiling at a time like this? She braced herself for the inevitable news.

"Morning Olivia, he's been moved to the regular ward." The words barely registered.

"Wh..what?" she muttered, confused.

"He's been making great strides, so the doctor agreed he could go to the ward."

"Seriously?" She suddenly took it in. He wasn't dead. He had just been moved out of ICU. The relief and joy enveloped her and a huge grin broke out on her face.

"Yes," replied the nurse, reaching for her hands. "He's in room 502. Go!"

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Olivia said, already heading to the door.

She hurried through the corridors and tapped the call button for the elevator impatiently. He had been moved to a regular ward! He was going to be all right. She couldn't stop grinning as she headed towards his room.

She knocked on the door and slid the door open, seeing him immediately.

"Morning beautiful!" he called to her as she stepped inside the room. He was sitting up, admittedly leaning heavily against the bed, but he was already looking so much better than he had even just the day before. She quickly traversed the distance to his bedside and he took her in his arms and kissed her.

"I'm so sorry I overslept…" she apologised.

"Don't be silly," he scolded her. "I'm glad you got some real rest. He kissed her again. "Happy birthday," he said. "As soon as I get out of here we'll celebrate properly."

"Your getting better is the only thing I want for my birthday," she replied.

"All the same… we'll celebrate it properly later."

"Fine," she said grinning at him.

"So anyway you found me!" he said.

"I went to the ICU and when I saw your empty bed, I thought…" She fell silent as she remembered how she had felt.

He looked at her sharply, realising what had been going through her mind. "Oh Liv!" he said heart-broken that she had been in that position, even if it was just for a short time.

"The nurse told me straight away," she said.

"I'm sorry. I thought they would have called you."

"They probably did. I left my phone in my room."

"I'm going to be OK Liv," he said. "I'm getting better. I'll be out of here soon."

"I can't wait," she replied happily as she settled into the chair beside his bed.


	42. Chapter 42: Home again

42

Home again

December 20

Olivia couldn't stop smiling as she snuggled up against him in the taxi, careful not to lean too heavily against his side and abdomen which was still quite painful. He had finally been released from the hospital after days of begging, with instructions to take it extremely easy. They were now headed to her apartment where she intended to pamper him like he'd never been pampered before as he returned to full health. The gift of him surviving and coming back to her had lifted much of her depression and although she found her thoughts still returning to and dwelling on the rape several times throughout the day, she really felt like she had turned a corner and the only way was up from here on. Those days during which she had thought she would lose him were the darkest of her life and she knew she had understood the true definition of rock bottom during that time. It was a place she hoped never to visit again.

Elliot was clutching her hand and his touch, his presence was all that mattered. She couldn't wait for them to be alone again. She missed the intimacy and she wanted him all to herself. No more doctors, nurses, or any other visitors. They planned a quiet low-key Christmas together, with their only plan a short visit to Kathy's on Christmas Day so that he could see his children.

She had been a little surprised at the invitation and that she too was apparently welcome. At first she had been extremely hesitant but there was no way she could refuse Elliot. He had pleaded with her to come and insisted she was as good as part of the family. He maintained that his children had all accepted their relationship and although it would obviously be a little awkward as everyone got used to the new status quo, they were generally positive about Olivia being in their father's life. For this she was grateful. She had no disillusions or even the desire to become a substitute mother, but she hoped that she could maintain a good relationship with them all and that they would come to see her as an extra person they could go to if they ever needed to talk.

While he had been in the hospital Kathy had come by to visit and afterwards she and Olivia had drunk a coffee together, talked and cleared the air considerably. There had been much to say. Despite feeling awkward to be sitting face to face with his ex-wife, Olivia had understood how necessary it was for them to talk. Kathy had then repeated the invitation and Olivia had graciously accepted, knowing that for Elliot it would mean the world to have both Olivia and his children there on such an important occasion. She briefly thought back to the lonely Christmas she had spent the previous year and marvelled at how much things could change in just a year.

The taxi pulled up in front of her apartment and she paid the driver, then she jumped out and hurried round to Elliot's side of the cab to put her arm round him in support as he climbed out and they made their way upstairs. His hand brushed her hip as he held her and she felt a tingle of excitement through her body. She smiled wistfully, a little disappointed knowing that the last thing Elliot would be able to contemplate, for a while anyway, was sex, seeming as he had just been released for a near fatal stab wound followed by a serious and life-threatening infection. Once again she thanked no one in particular that he was here with her as she remembered just how close he had come. She squeezed him a little tighter.

Once they reached her place, she led him to the sofa and helped him to sit before offering to make him a hot drink. Once it had seemed likely he would be released shortly from the hospital, she had returned home to dust and vacuum and had bought some groceries to last them for a few days. She had also arranged for the utilities to be switched back on and had set the timer on the central heating so that she wouldn't be bringing him back to the near arctic conditions she had encountered when she had first walked in. She quickly brought him some tea and handed it to him, but he indicated for her to place it on the coffee table and then invited her into his arms. She leaned in contentedly and he reached a hand out to her face, brushing aside a strand of hair which had fallen over her cheek resting against the side of her mouth. Then with the obstacle removed, he pulled her in to him and kissed her deeply, his tongue roaming and exploring her mouth. She closed her eyes as she gave in to the sensation of him, murmuring very slightly.

"I couldn't wait to do this," he said, pulling himself away just long enough to get the words out.

She didn't reply and instead pulled him back towards her. As they kissed, they rolled slightly, shifting so that they were both lying on the sofa, him below, her on top. She caught his intake of breath and wince as they moved into the new position. She immediately rose, lifting her weight away from his injured body.

"I'm so sorry," she said, alarmed that she had hurt him.

"It's OK," he replied stoically. "But, why don't we move to the bed?"

"You should be resting!" she said sternly. "You know what the doctor said."

"I just want to lie with you," he replied, his tone indicating that he obviously wasn't going to give in easily.

"Well I guess that wouldn't hurt," she agreed and they relocated.

They lay entwined in each other arms, kissing tenderly as though they had all the time in the world. She knew right then that there was no place she would rather be.

"Maybe we could do it, if we're really gentle?" he suggested hopefully.

"You are incorrigible," she said, laughing, kissing his neck.

"You are beautiful," he retorted, "beautiful and amazing!"

"Stop it," she grinned embarrassed.

"I want you," he whispered, nuzzling into her ear. "I want you now."

She felt her body immediately reacting to his words. Her stomach was in knots. The way this was going there was no way she would be able to stop herself, but at the back of her mind she was worried he wasn't ready for this. The last thing she wanted was any medical setbacks.

"I want you too," she whispered, ignoring her better sense and tracing a path across his chest with her fingers, her arm now reaching under his t-shirt. She felt his nipples and stroked them, enticing them out. Then her mouth was once again on his. She felt his hands roaming, breaking under her clothes, caressing her breasts and then moving lower, over her stomach and lower, finally reaching the place she wanted them most. She squirmed, shocked at how close she felt already.

"Elliot," she breathed. "I…"

"Shh," he said, placing a finger to her lips. Then he kissed her again as he started pulling at her clothes to remove them. She helped him and once both were completely unclothed he raised his hands and placed them on her shoulders as he started to move downward with his mouth, stopping briefly at her breasts before he continued on, his hands gradually descending too. She clenched her fists deep into the sheets and mattress as his mouth finally enveloped her, closing her eyes at the sensations. His tongue relentlessly teased her bringing her to the edge more quickly than almost anything she had ever experienced before. Her body arched as she peaked but he continued until the waves completely ended before he brought his head back up to hers.

"Elliot," she whispered. "Thank you."

"You _never_ have to thank me, Liv," he replied, ignoring the tears forming in her eyes. "I love you."

"Let me do the same for you," she whispered. "Don't move. I won't hurt you."

"OK," he whispered back. Maybe this would be OK? There would be no excessive pressure on his wounds. Full sex should probably wait a few more days at least, but surely this would be OK? He leaned back against the pillows, closing his eyes and giving in to the sensation of her mouth on him until he too shortly found his release. As they snuggled together afterwards, silently taking in each other's presence, both considering the significance of what they had nearly lost, he was convinced he had found a completely new definition of happiness.

...

A while later they were seated at the dining table digging into a simple salad that Olivia had quickly produced.

"Liv, have you thought any more about what you're going to do regarding work?" he asked suddenly.

"I was planning on putting it off until after Christmas," she sighed. "But I need to talk to Cragen don't I?"

"Are you sure you want to leave?" He looked at her carefully. The Olivia he had known had lived for her job. He was worried this was just a temporary reaction to her traumatic experience and that deep down she really didn't want to leave the SVU or the force.

"Yes, I am," she replied firmly enough to convince him she was truly sincere. "You know, I realise now that I'd really had enough before all of this. I think even if this hadn't happened I was close to giving it up."

"If you're sure," he said.

"I am," she said seriously. So much had happened. She couldn't really imagine setting foot in the precinct again, let alone working there. Although she knew she would need to go one more time to talk to Cragen. She had to tell him face to face. He would be upset, disappointed even, but she knew he would ultimately understand.

"I wonder how long it will be until Miller's trial," she said thoughtfully.

"Hopefully only a few months," replied Elliot. "I think they have some rock solid evidence against him, even if he does attempt to deny any of it. There's no way he won't get life after everything he's done!"

"I hope so," she said, pausing before she continued sadly. "I really don't want to testify."

He stopped himself from acting on his initial reaction to insist that she should and that she was strong enough to do it. Instead he shuffled his chair closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders.

"I know," was all he whispered sympathetically. There was no way he was going to tell her what to do. He knew she would testify anyway. It went against everything she believed in not to. She needed his support in this, not an attempt at persuading her to "do the right thing". He would stand by her whatever she did anyway.

"I really don't want to see him again. I don't want to remember it. I don't want to remember how he almost took you away from me."

"I know, I know. But it's OK. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

She laid her head against him, still half in disbelief that he really was here. She wanted to tell him again just how much she loved him, but she didn't, for she knew that right now he knew. No words needed to be said.

...

Later on they lay snuggled up under a blanket watching a movie on TV. He stroked her hair gently and she ran her hand over and around his knee. She knew she was the happiest she had been since the assault and it filled her with hope that her recovery was really possible. She knew that realistically she still had much to work through, but having Elliot in her life was a huge positive that she knew would help her. Just knowing that someone felt this way about her, especially when for much of her life she had believed true love to be something she'd never get to experience for herself, was all she needed to give her the strength to want to get over it. Yes, the worst thing she could have imagined had happened to her, but at the same time those memories were tempered by the fact that at around the same time, the best thing had also occurred. She was in love and Elliot was in love with her. This was what she wanted to focus on. Not pain, but love.

The End


	43. Epilogue

Epilogue

_The following August_

He woke with a start, feeling her move beside him. He quickly realised she was having a nightmare. Lately they were much less frequent, but unfortunately they did still sometimes continue to disturb her. He leaned over and placed his arm gently on her shoulder hoping to rouse her without startling her too much. He found it wasn't enough, so next he shook her gently. She started and opened her eyes, the fear in her eyes apparent as she struggled to let go of the nightmare. As soon as she made eye contact with him and he knew for sure she recognised it was him, he wrapped his arms around her holding her close. She snuggled into his embrace, resting her head heavily on his chest. He kissed her gently, murmuring soothingly. He was glad he could be here for her, but even now, every time she had another one of her nightmares he was filled with renewed anger towards Pat Miller, the man who in less than half an hour had permanently changed her life forever.

She had come a long way since those first few weeks after it had happened. Her confidence had gradually returned. Pat Miller had been tried and sentenced a month ago and now the official proceedings were over, they were both finding it a relief.

A couple of months back she had gone through a particularly bad rough patch. It was not long before the trial had started and it had coincided with the sad news of the death of one of her old school friends. It had affected her deeply and for a while Elliot had worried that this time she needed more help than she was getting from an outpatient counselling service. After a couple of weeks watching her slowly withdraw into herself and stop sleeping and eating, he had decided enough was enough and as a last ditch effort to help her, he had insisted they go away for a couple of weeks. He had taken her to Hawaii, thinking a complete change in scene and climate would be the impetus she needed to get back on track. Both were aware that her recovery was very much a 'two steps forward one step back' kind of a situation, but the trip to Hawaii had really made a huge difference. Since then things had generally been quite good.

She lifted her head, pulling away slightly and he saw the dampness around her eyes.

"I love you," he said. He had stopped asking if she was OK a while back. It seemed redundant. He preferred just to remind her that he was here for her no matter what.

"Sometimes I wonder why…" she said wistfully.

"Don't say that!"

"You deserve someone less damaged," she continued sadly. This was a topic they had touched on a few times before. Every time she told him she thought she didn't deserve his love it saddened him immensely. Even after nearly a year of them being together, she still had these moments when she seemed to refuse to accept she could be loved. He sometimes wished he could meet her mother, just to tell her exactly what he thought of the way she had treated her only daughter. He understood that the whole situation surrounding Olivia's conception must have been hugely traumatic for the woman, but it wasn't Olivia's fault. She hadn't asked to be born. She was just an innocent child.

"Liv, when are you going to accept that I am with you and I love you… so much… more than you could ever know?"

Fresh tears glistened in her eyes and no longer able to stand it, he drew her back close to him.

"You know I don't care if you cry every day until the day we die… I'm not going anywhere."

She sniffed but didn't reply.

"Liv? Are you hearing me?"

"Yes," she muttered.

"Do you believe me?"

She nodded.

He placed his mouth to hers and kissed her. He could taste the salt of her tears as he wiped her cheeks gently with his hand and removed the moisture. Their kiss deepened and they continued slowly. As their tongues explored each other's mouths and later as their bodies became one, Olivia knew without a doubt that she loved this man more deeply than she had ever thought was possible.

…

After a lazy morning in bed, followed by showers they finally got up and headed towards the kitchen for something to eat.

"I have something for you," Elliot said when she joined him.

"You do?" she asked curiously. He sometimes bought her little gifts to surprise her. Once she had come home to a note on the table which had been the start of a trail which had ended up in a beautiful new necklace. It had been their six month anniversary of telling each other they loved one another for the first time. She had been incredibly touched, not so much for the gift itself, but for the fact he had remembered the date like that. She had never really taken him for a romantic, but he was constantly doing little things like this for her.

"I was going to take you out to dinner tonight and give it to you then, but now just seems the right time. It's in that envelope." He nodded towards a brown envelope he had placed on the table at some point – perhaps when she had been in the shower she thought.

Wondering what the surprise could possibly she reached for the envelope and carefully opened it. Inside were some brochures and some airline tickets. She gasped as she saw the pictures on the brochures and realised what it all meant.

"You bought tickets to Iceland?" she stammered.

"Yes," he replied. "I remember on that drive to Kingstown way back, you said you really wanted to visit northern Europe. I didn't understand the appeal but I did some research online and immediately understood. Iceland looks so beautiful. So I'm taking you.

A huge smile broke out on her face as she leafed through the pamphlets.

"That's not all Liv," he said, suddenly a little shyly.

She looked up and met his gaze. What else could possibly top this?

"I don't want you to go as my girlfriend…" he said, breaking eye contact with her and now looking extremely uncomfortable.

Her stomach suddenly felt like it had been ripped out of her. What was he saying? Was he breaking up with her? Was this trip to Iceland a way to assuage his guilt for telling her he no longer wanted to be with her? How could he have just slept with her that morning and then literally minutes later told her something like this? She couldn't even put words to how she felt. She was completely heart-broken. If this was what it felt like to lose the one thing she had never thought she would ever have, then she wished she had never been given a taste.

"Liv?" He said, taking in her devastated expression, his heart sinking as he realised maybe they weren't on the same page. Perhaps this was a bad idea. He knew how terrified she was of commitment. Maybe he was pushing her too hard. Maybe she needed more time before they took such a big step.

"El," she said, the raw pain in her voice ripping through him and nearly reducing him to tears then and there. "Why?"

The word resounded in his head. Why was he pushing for more? Why wasn't what they already had enough for him?

"Liv, I love you so much," he said weakly.

"El, I don't understand. How can you say that if you don't want to be with me?"

"What?" he said. "Wait, what are you thinking?

"You said you don't want me to be your girlfriend anymore."

Then he understood. He immediately reached for her and took her hand in his.

"Liv, what are you thinking?" he repeated. I told you I love you. I don't want to split up with you! I want to marry you!" He watched her face, amused to see her genuine shock, but then he saw the smile break out, lighting up her eyes, immediately making him want to kiss her.

"You do?" she breathed incredulously.

"I do." Then he impulsively got down, kneeling at her feet emulating the stereotypical movie or TV proposal and clasping her hands he asked her again.

Olivia Benson. I love you with every fibre of my being. You make me happier than I have ever been. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

Nervously he gazed at her face trying to gage her reaction. Maybe this really was all too soon? Maybe he'd scare her off? Maybe things were good just as they were?

Then she nodded and he almost couldn't take it in.

"Yes," she confirmed, her voice shaking with emotion. "Yes, I'll marry you."

He immediately leapt from the floor, reached up, took her face in his hands and excitedly kissed her long and hard. _She had really said yes?_

When they finally separated, both had tears streaking down their cheeks, the moment overwhelming the pair of them.

"So what I was saying was…I don't want you coming to Iceland as my girlfriend… but as my fiancé!" He grinned at her.

"I see," she said, smiling too, but feeling a little embarrassed that she had leapt to such a negative conclusion so quickly.

"El, I can't wait," she said, suddenly extremely serious. "I can't wait for it all: Iceland, marrying you, our lives together. I love you so much."

"Me too sweetheart… and one day you will truly believe it."

"I already do, El," she said sincerely, meeting his gaze firmly just before their lips met once again.


End file.
